Do I move my ailing parents to be closer to me?Cross country

[sxia]

So... looks like not many people come here anymore? I haven't been here for ages.

But it's a semi private place to talk and ask for help.

My dad had a heart attack and now the dominoes are falling. He had parkinsons, but hadn't done anything about it. Then a heart attack. Heart failure + medication = kidney problems. And he's finally getting a checkup, so of course, probably polyps in his colon, or maybe cancer. The colonoscopy is coming soon. My parents live on the east coast, and have for the past 40 years (or close to it.) They have their church and their friends, but many have passed, and with Covid, they aren't seeing their friends except for on zoom anyway.

So... we've always thought about them moving to be closer to us. Honestly, they wanted to be "the grandma who the kids came home to" when they were little. But moving was hard and downsizing was something they didn't want to do, so they just kept where they were. Pre-covid, it made sense. They have their friends, who they vacationed with. They had 40 years of life in a house and a place where they would drive up to Vermont lakes in the summer, drive down to the Shenendoahs in the fall. They didn't want to have to change, and they would fly out to see us once or twice a year, and we facetimed a lot. 

But the health issues are a lot for mom to deal with, and given her ADHD (she's not diagnosed, but she's disorganized, and my son has been, and my brother and I DEFINITELY have a lot of the signs) she's doing really well doing a new diet routine and a new exercise routine. She used to take 9 months to pick new wallpaper. And the house has not been fixed up since the 90s. And a lot of it is still stuck in the 70s.

SO... do we move them to the west coast? They could sell their place maybe as-is, but really they need to get rid of A LOT of stuff before they think of moving, and I think repainting and recarpeting would be a good start. My mom has always done things cheaply, even though they have enough money. Either I spend my free time going out to their place and clearing stuff out and downsizing, which I'm already upset I spent a week and a half of vacation time last year when my dad was sick. We just went to their house for Christmas, and although I wanted to start throwing stuff out, I sensed that Christmas was not the time to do so. 

With my dad's symptoms getting worse, I think I would prefer to have him closer in what I think will be the last 3-5 years of his life. But it will take a LOT of work, and he won't be able to do a lot of it. And all their wills and trust stuff is through a Virginia location, not California. And my east coast mom is NOT a fan of California, but does want to be close to the grandkids and wants to have me help out.

What do I do?

[magdala]

I am sorry you are dealing with these hard challenges from across the country. It sounds like you are at the stage to have a long talk with both parents about what they want and what they need. This won't be an easy conversation because they may not wish to recognize that they are getting older or they may be vested in that house with all its memories. I am dealing with the latter with my Dad. Also, you may have to add your brother to the conversation which adds another layer of complications.

[sxia]

My brother has been an issue in that they don't want his help. He has been consistently asking them for money, arguing over political issues, is unemployed and tends to make things difficult. When dad was in the hospital, I kept asking them if they wanted to update him on anything, and they said no, but if I wanted to call him, I could. It was a little odd how they didn't want him involved at all or to even talk to him. I asked since he's unemployed if they wanted him to move back home to help them out, they said no, and they'd prefer me to help. But they stated it much more forcefully than that.

[flex]

Do they want to move to the West Coast?