At what point should I consider a therapist for dd?

[Bernadine]

She’s 5, will be 6 in June, and she has pretty bad separation anxiety from me. She never wants to go to school, never wants to be left with anyone but me. She cried last night when I left her with h so I could get G from softball.

I just don’t know what to do. She threw a crying fit this morning that she didn’t want to leave me. We missed the bus, so I had to drive her, and then she was still crying and clinging at drop off. A teacher had to come get her.

She has friends at school, seems to like her teacher ok. She just always says she misses me.

[Leeham Rimes]

I think sooner rather than later is always the best option regarding therapy. It's affecting her ability to do day to day tasks, which is what my 'measurement' is. How is she once she gets to school?

www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=separation-anxiety-disorder-90-P02582

[starburst604]

Are there other situations where she's particularly anxious or is it just with separation anxiety? If there are other things it wouldn't hurt to get her started with someone now. My DD had terrible separation anxiety that seemed to disappear right around age 5, interestingly it was when the pandemic started and we weren't around other people much so maybe she just got sick of us! I'm thinking of a friend who had a terrible time throughout the kindergarten year with her DD and separation anxiety. She's over that now, but she does still have a lot of anxiety around other things so she has her working with a therapist now.

[Bernadine]

Mar 22, 2022 8:42:14 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

I think sooner rather than later is always the best option regarding therapy. It's affecting her ability to do day to day tasks, which is what my 'measurement' is. How is she once she gets to school?

www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=separation-anxiety-disorder-90-P02582

I know she sometimes goes to the calm down area when she misses me, but not sure how often, that’s a good question.

[mrsukyankee]

I'd talk to the teacher about it and see if there is a school counsellor who can work with her and you.

[mustardseed2007]

I have a friend whose daughter was doing that kind of thing and she took her to therapy. She is in 1st but is on the younger side and was loosing her mind at drop off but also loosing her mind when her mom went to the store or had to work (she works some weekends). It's had a good impact on both mom and daughter actually because the therapist also gave her tools on where to let go.

eta: she did talk to the counselor first before going to therapy. The therapy involves her leaving early one day a week from school. 

[macmars45]

If you seek out a counselor outside of school at this age the counseling is more for parents. The counselor will teach the parent(s) strategies on to help their kids. IME through putting my DS (6 next month) in counseling last summer.

Definitely reach out to your DD's school counselor. My DS' school counselor has been great at helping him through his fear of dogs with her therapy dog. He's come so far with her and it's worked out really well.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I'd say do it now. The sooner she (and you) can learn strategies for coping, the less time she'll have to spend in therapy. My 8 year old saw someone briefly at the start of this school year because she started making comments about how she hated her body and thought she was fat. I was amazed at how quickly our psychologist was able to help her. At 5, I'd find a certified play therapist. Traditional talk therapy won't do her much good at that age.

Fair warning, lots of kids are in need of therapy right now (since Covid disrupted everyone's lives), so you may have a long wait to get in to see someone. My recommendation would be to get on a waiting list for the best therapist/psychologist you can find. It's better to wait a bit to see someone good than waste your time getting in asap to someone who isn't a good fit or isn't good with kids.

[shauni27]

that is so hard. My son does not have separation anxiety but just has a very (VERY) strong preference for me at almost all times. Won't let dad do his teeth, his bed time, etc. We work through it and that is hard enough; I imagine how tough it is for you.

I would for sure contact the school councilor right away because they can really help a lot. If they suggest outside therapy then you can go that route. But start with the easiest and most accessible solution first.

Good luck!

[devonpow]

I have a bit of experience with this. DS2 (now in 4th) has pretty bad social and general anxiety. We first started getting him help in kindergarten. He cried (HARD) at drop off every day through maybe May of that year? Plus other issues (tantrums mainly - which can be a sign of anxiety. What he was doing with tantrums wasn’t age appropriate at that point). He had a lot of general separation anxiety (I couldn’t leave him for play dates, he would panic if we were on the playground and he lost sight of me, he was overly attached to me/wouldn’t let DH do anything like put him to bed - he would have a huge tantrum, etc)

We started with the school guidance department and the counselor met with him weekly, they set up an ICAP (an individual classroom action plan - different from an IEP or 504 in that anyone can get it but it’s not a legal document etc. basically gives tips and guidance to teachers on how to manage his behavior). He started with a therapist in 1st grade, and group/social skills therapy in 3rd grade. He’s still in both. He just had a full neuro psych eval done that we are waiting on results from so we can get an official diagnosis, plus he is on the waitlist for an anxiety program where he will her cognitive behavioral therapy.

Earlier is always better. Starting with the school is easiest, but a lot of times outside help is needed in addition. It’s hard at this age because sometimes they truly “grow out of it” and sometimes it turns out there is a bigger issue. But worst case getting help that isn’t fully needed is better than waiting and having a true issue get worse.

[sonrisa]

As others have mentioned, I'd look into someone who will work with both of you.

[fivechickens]

I don’t think you ever need to wait to seek help with mental health. D1 has had more anxiety over the last two years so I asked of the school social worker could work with her. She meets with her every Tuesday at lunch and it has helped a lot.

[gretchenindisguise]

Now sounds good.

My L was/is the same. Our 2nd is not. It’s not our parenting, it’s the way they are wired. Medicine and therapy were needed.

[VeryViolet]

Like others have said now is totally appropriate. DD is four and she is attached to me at all times (even at night ugh). Daycare drop off can go okay if they immediately give her a “job” but even at daycare she spends a lot of time next to her main teacher just not going far. She is turning five soon and I am going to bring it up with her pediatrician.

I do think covid has magnified the issue with her. It is hard to say because it has been now half her life but she was my independent, outgoing kind of typical second child and then we were just together all the time and even when she went back to daycare (summer 2020) it was very limited in who she was with (teachers and kids not moving around like before) and she wasn’t doing any activities so her world was still really small. Add to that the hit to my anxiety/mental health which sucks to say but I know affects the kids to some extent as hard as I try and it is a perfect storm of making it really bad. She just cries sometimes and tells me she just needs to be with me and she misses me. It melts even my cold black heart.

Fun story, it is so bad that the other day it was dusk and I was sitting in the family room and hadn’t turned the lights on. The kids were playing outside but we were starting to wrangle them in because it was getting dark. I was reading an article on my phone and DH comes in and asks where DD is. I say out back with DS and don’t think much of it. He comes back a minute later and I realize he is worried and then gets a WTF look. He went looking for her and she wasn’t with her brother and when he came in he realized she was next to me (touching me) playing a game on her iPad and I hadn’t even realized. We are just touching so much I guess it didn’t register. 🤦🏻‍♀️

ETA I feel like it sounds like I am saying it is covid caused. I don’t think that is the case I think it just exacerbated the issue for her specifically. Funnily enough it kind of did the opposite for DS with virtual school , lack of camps/care options he has really learned to step up and entertain, take care of himself in a way that idk if he would have otherwise.

[Birdie]

I agree with others about seeing one now.

My oldest has separation anxiety as well as general anxiety about this, that, and the other. One major theme in the past two years has been getting scared when someone gets sick. Thanks Covid. We took him to a therapist when Covid started, but have slacked off this year. I had to make another appointment for him this month due to ongoing issues, as well as his anxiety getting worse about his health (and ours). Sometimes it's just really really hard because I know he can't help it, but oof. It's really taxing on me when he goes into a spiral. A therapist will help you navigate these waters together.

[Deleted]

My youngest has some anxiety and anger issues (she's 9) and is in therapy now. We'd talked about it for a while and I honestly wish we would have gotten in front of it sooner because working through it now is proving harder on her and us than it may have been if we'd given her better tools earlier on.

[loira]

I agree with PPS and commiserate. My DD also has extreme separation anxiety. Will sometimes have a full on meltdown if I go to the grocery store without her etc. Her anxiety seems to ebb and flow based on other stressors in her life (her COVID shot for example).

She also has developed some selective mutism, and we are going to see a counselor about that because it's getting in the way of her experience at school - she will participate in group discussions/activities but refuses to talk to her teacher one on one (or other adults like her grandparents).

[pinkdutchtulips]

When it starts effecting day to day and spills out from place home to school, it’s time to look at therapy.

[mommin]

My niece (just turned 7) has started therapy recently and it has been great for their family. They move a lot due to BIL being in the military and it had started to impact niece’s emotions quite a lot. The biggest thing that SIL found has been that it not only helped my niece but is giving BIL and SIL coping mechanisms and guidance on how they can help her. IMO, it’s just as important that the parents learn as it is for the child.