NCEPR: Buying a home with an anxious spouse

[redheadbaker]

Does anybody have any experience or advice with navigating buying a home with an anxious spouse? Like, diagnosed anxiety disorder, and I believe he's currently off his meds (I don't know what it is with him -- he'll take meds, start to feel better, decide he doesn't need them anymore, we have a blow-up argument, he realizes he needs to get back on meds, repeat ad nauseum). 

We've talked to a mortgage guy at our credit union. He laid out what we need financially (down payment, closing costs, debt-to-income ratio, credit scores). 

I found a house that meets what we're looking for, and he's still worried -- what if something is wrong with it that needs to be fixed as soon as we buy it (i told him that's what an inspection is for), can we afford utilities, will the payment be low enough that we can still put money into savings, etc. etc. 

I told him if he doesn't feel we're ready, we can wait. Then he gets annoyed with me for "shutting down." He wants me to convince him we're ready (we've already been through the math), and tell him everything will be ok, which, I can't predict the future, so I won't. Because if we go through with it, and something goes wrong that squeezes us financially, he WILL say I told you so. 

[gretchenindisguise]

Are we making the right decision?

"We are making the best decision with the information we have. We can afford this house."

What if we are missing something.

"We will cross that bridge when or if we get there. We are smart and well positioned to tackle any issues that may come up in the future."

But what if...

"We will tackle any future problems together using the best information we have available to us at that time."

I told you this was a bad idea!

"We made the best decision we could with the information we had at that time. We went into this with eyes wide open as partners and we will get through this as partners. We are well positioned and smart people, we will figure this out."



Eta: rinse repeat ad nauseam.

[Michelle]

I am that spouse. My anxiety can be crippling. 

Sounds like he could benefit from therapy. My therapist works with me on thinking errors. I'm horrible at catastrophizing. 

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201501/10-thinking-errors-will-crush-your-mental-strength

Sounds like he might have a bit of that. So working through what his worst case scenario is and whether you'll be able to cope with that together should help get him into a good mindframe, if the worst case is manageable.


That said, if i didn't already have equity in a house where I could sell it high and buy another high, I am not sure I would think buying a home in this market is the best move. Prices are inflated to the extreme, and that might be piling on his anxiety. The odds of your house depreciating in the next few years may be high, unless the materials shortages continue. If I didn't have the equity from selling our current home to pour into a new home, i don't think i'd buy right now, because the depreciation impact on my anxiety would be too much.

[winecat]

What about looking into a home warranty? Also, you can add riders to your insurance policy to cover some major systems for a minimal annual amount. I pay about $20/year for sewer line coverage.

You'll also be saving moving expenses after you move into your house vs having to come up with X dollars every couple of years.

[rubytue]

My only thought is not to put so much faith in the inspection. I get you need to give him ways to manage anxiety, but inspector do not see everything and there will be things they didn’t find, plus the current market is not very infection friendly. Perhaps an answer like “then we deal with that. Everything is fixable” might work? I just don’t want you to get in a situation where everything looks good at inspection, and then you find out later that, while the drywall looks great, the lumber holding it up is crumbling from old termite damage, and then he spirals at that (this was me last summer).

[msmerymac]

I'm the anxious spouse!

What about the "building equity" angle? Tell him that in a few years, the house will (ideally, but don't him that part) be worth more so you WILL have a cushion in case you need to sell or do a cash-out refi for something.

Concentrating on all the positives. Separate office space? Outdoor space? Anything he might like, like a garage or grill or media room?

[macmars45]

I am the anxious spouse. H ran numbers with me to show me what we could afford and how much we had set aside for those things that pop up. We had a small water leak two months after closing on our TH in spring 2015. Honestly for me, going through that and seeing we were fine even though the repair bill was stupidly high was helpful for me. (I mean it was probably on par with normal pricing for the Seattle area, but when you're expecting a bill at $800-$900ish and get $2500 it's a smack in the face.)

FWIW, therapy for my anxiety has been amazing. Amazing. I can see when I'm ruminating or catastrophizing and stop it before it gets bad thanks to my therapist.

[penguingrrl]

My husband was like that (minus a diagnosis of anxiety, but we suspect he is neurodivergent and was never diagnosed). He was borrowing things to worry about the entire process. I had to take over and remind him that he wants this, that long term this was a great decision, that the inspection report turned up nothing unexpected give the age of our house, etc.

We just passed our 5 year anniversary of owning and have no regrets. We’ve had some major expenses (roof, now we need a whole new HVAC system due to damaged steam pipes) but nothing we didn’t anticipate when buying a house from 1926. He is glad I took the lead and pushed him out of his comfort zone and now can’t see us living anywhere else.

[Deleted]

Home buying right now is terrifying even for people without anxiety!

I keep talking myself that we have a team of professionals (real estate agent, lenders, insurance brokers, home inspector, appraiser, etc) helping us to make the best decision we can. While we will never get the risk down to zero, we are reducing it as much as possible, and are well-positioned to handle any contingencies that come up.

[wesleycrusher]

Ditto therapy (and maybe meds), although I know that doesn't help your immediate needs.

It sounds like he is reassurance seeking, which is common in anxiety. Basically- he feels anxious, he seeks reassurance from you to alleviate the anxiety by telling him everything's okay. You tell him it's okay, it alleviates the anxiety but only works temporarily, so the anxiety comes back and he seeks reassurance again to feel better. It's a cycle.

I think it's exceptionally hard in the home buying process because obviously there are a lot of things that need to be addressed by both parties and you need to be on the same page. But if it's the same questions over and over then like previous posters suggested, you need to have short answers that shut it down.

[mrsukyankee]

"What is the worse case scenario you can think of here?" "How likely is the percentage that it will happen?" "What would we do if it did happen?" "What is more likely to happen?" "What would we do then?" "Do you think you have the skills to deal with whatever might come up?" Make sure you write it all down so you have it in a very specific place to review when feeling anxious.

[noodleoo]

Apr 12, 2022 10:50:51 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Does anybody have any experience or advice with navigating buying a home with an anxious spouse? Like, diagnosed anxiety disorder, and I believe he's currently off his meds (I don't know what it is with him -- he'll take meds, start to feel better, decide he doesn't need them anymore, we have a blow-up argument, he realizes he needs to get back on meds, repeat ad nauseum). 

We've talked to a mortgage guy at our credit union. He laid out what we need financially (down payment, closing costs, debt-to-income ratio, credit scores). 

I found a house that meets what we're looking for, and he's still worried -- what if something is wrong with it that needs to be fixed as soon as we buy it (i told him that's what an inspection is for), can we afford utilities, will the payment be low enough that we can still put money into savings, etc. etc. 

I told him if he doesn't feel we're ready, we can wait. Then he gets annoyed with me for "shutting down." He wants me to convince him we're ready (we've already been through the math), and tell him everything will be ok, which, I can't predict the future, so I won't. Because if we go through with it, and something goes wrong that squeezes us financially, he WILL say I told you so. 

I know he has anxiety, but this part is not fair to you.  It is not your responsibility to promise him it will be ok because neither of you can know that!  And it is really not fair for him to then throw that back at you if something goes wrong.

I realize that's not helpful and you probably know that already, but I just wanted to call it out in case *you* need reassurance that this isn't all on you!  Good luck. Home buying is so stressful right now, having to manage your partner's anxiety on top of it is a lot!

[tiki]

I was the anxious spouse. We found a place we agreed on together, and then H handled a lot of the back and forth with the bank so I wouldn't get cold feet.

[redheadbaker]

Apr 12, 2022 11:01:01 GMT -5 Michelle said:

That said, if i didn't already have equity in a house where I could sell it high and buy another high, I am not sure I would think buying a home in this market is the best move. Prices are inflated to the extreme, and that might be piling on his anxiety. The odds of your house depreciating in the next few years may be high, unless the materials shortages continue. If I didn't have the equity from selling our current home to pour into a new home, i don't think i'd buy right now, because the depreciation impact on my anxiety would be too much.

If we wait until the "right time" to buy a house, it'll never come. 

[sequins]

Apr 12, 2022 14:22:53 GMT -5 mrsukyankee said:

"What is the worse case scenario you can think of here?" "How likely is the percentage that it will happen?" "What would we do if it did happen?" "What is more likely to happen?" "What would we do then?" "Do you think you have the skills to deal with whatever might come up?" Make sure you write it all down so you have it in a very specific place to review when feeling anxious.

Seconding this. This has been my go to strategy to manage my anxiety around big life decisions.

[just]

Apr 12, 2022 10:50:51 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

I don't know what it is with him -- he'll take meds, start to feel better, decide he doesn't need them anymore, we have a blow-up argument, he realizes he needs to get back on meds, repeat ad nauseum). 

You’ve got great advice above but I definitely smiled sympathetically (for both of you) at this. I don’t know a single person who takes meds for anxiety or depression who hasn’t gone through this cycle - myself included.

[foundmylazybum]

The exercise that I do with people who catastrophize is to have them create three columns: in the first column write out their worst case fears.
"we buy the house and it's a terrible mistake.." and I ask them this question.
"And then what happens?" This allows them to spiral down--write down everything that happens in the column until they run out of thoughts.
Under the thoughts take a few moments to explore how you are feeling and thinking.

Next--Go over to the THIRD column and ask yourself what is the unlikely best case scenario. Not most likely, but best case. Things like
"We buy this house and two months later while digging the garden we find a bunch of money buried in the backyard--that isn't something we'd ever find if it wasn't for buying the house." A lot of people have a hard time with this, but have them look over and realize that most of the stuff at the bottom of their worst case is usually stuff like "We mess up and end up homeless, divorced, alone and dead" which is also very unlikely. You let your mind go to THAT dark place, let's just let ourselves go to this also unlikely good place--also the purpose of this column is literally to give yourself a small jolt of good energy to kick yourself out of catastrophizing b/c the problem with catastrophizing is the anxiety of it stops you from forward movement, so as soon as you come up with a couple "Best case scenarios" that make you feel good, make you laugh or smile, you are done here.


Next: go to the middle column: Here is where you both work on "Most likely" options and scenarios. This is going to be a mix of good and bad outcomes. It also might have some of the more realistic options from the worst case column.

One thing no one has brought up--but anxious people need is--make sure you both put down your realistic feelings--"I'm super nervous," I"m worried we will mess it up, "I'm excited for our future

Then--below this list--begin to make a plan to deal with THESE most likely scenarios.


Guess what? You and your husband have made the first steps in stopping catastrophizing--just by making these lists, and! you are addressing fears by looking at realistic most likely scenarios.

[lynn07]

I’m the anxious spouse who catastrophizes. You’ve gotten some great advice, but I do want to add, he might really just need you to tell him it will be ok sometimes (even if you can’t guarantee it). Sometimes when I’m spiraling and I recognize it but am having a hard time getting out of it, I just need DH to tell me it’ll be fine, and it gives me the confidence I need to get out of the spiral and start thinking more logically.

[wildrice]

I am the worrier in my house (and have anxiety, but I'm medicated!). For me, it was helpful to think about what my long term goals are. Do I want to own a house? Yes. Will I be less anxious about buying a house at any other time in my life? Probably not - I always feel kind of sick when I commit to a big purchase or big decision, but so far I've never done anything I can't fix. So if I'm going to feel anxious no matter when I do this, why not do it now when it makes sense for XYZ other reasons?

I also handled most of the logistics of getting the mortgage and coordinating things, which I think made me feel like I had a more thorough understanding of things and more control over what was happening. I think if my H had handled all of that I would have felt more anxious because all of my questions/wonders wouldn't have been settled (or at least as easily).

[slimpickins]

Apr 12, 2022 16:38:04 GMT -5 just said:

Apr 12, 2022 10:50:51 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

I don't know what it is with him -- he'll take meds, start to feel better, decide he doesn't need them anymore, we have a blow-up argument, he realizes he needs to get back on meds, repeat ad nauseum). 

You’ve got great advice above but I definitely smiled sympathetically (for both of you) at this. I don’t know a single person who takes meds for anxiety or depression who hasn’t gone through this cycle - myself included.

Thank you! I needed to know I'm not the only one.

[carmenere]

I'm definitely this spouse, minus the part about meds. Part of my struggle with home buying was anxiety, and part was that I just really value financial flexibility. I preferred to buy a house below our budget so we could afford to deal with issues that came up or buy other things we wanted. So, consider that your H may have a legitimately different approach to deciding what to spend on a house, and if that's the case you'll need to find compromise.

[ellipses84]

I’m an anxious person. I can also be a bit of a control freak because if I’m controlling the situation, it makes me feel less anxious and I’m very goal oriented (so the goal was the focus not the anxiety). I tend to overanalyze things and talk through pros and cons a lot. If this sounds like your DH, I encourage you to not shut down or change the plan, just talk through it and keep moving forward with it. It sounds like he may need some talk therapy so he’s not always relying on you for that, and should consider meds again.

I was ok with buying a house because there’s also what-ifs with not buying. Some thoughts that helped….

- Regardless of hard times, we’ve always managed to pay rent and keep a roof over our head. Worst case scenario, we could sell the house.

- We have $X in emergency savings and if you get laid off you’ll get unemployment

- Buying will have a set mortgage rate (which we could possibly refinance at a lower interest rate/ payment m in the future). We have less control over renting, which may have our rent raised yearly and we could be notified to move out with notice or when our lease ends. House and rent pricing could keep increasing.

- The house is located within commuting distance to lots of job opportunities, remote work is much more common and

-you can get a good inspection and possibly specialty inspections if he has a particular concern, like a foundation inspection by a structural engineer

- you can get homebuyers insurance for the first year and renew it yearly which could help cover major repairs like a/c or roof

-you’ll have regular homeowners insurance and can riders for things like earthquakes and floods so everything is covered

- yes, homes have issues but once you replace items, you’ll know they’ll be great for a set amount of years and can plan for those expenses

[Michelle]

Apr 12, 2022 14:50:20 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Apr 12, 2022 11:01:01 GMT -5 Michelle said:

That said, if i didn't already have equity in a house where I could sell it high and buy another high, I am not sure I would think buying a home in this market is the best move. Prices are inflated to the extreme, and that might be piling on his anxiety. The odds of your house depreciating in the next few years may be high, unless the materials shortages continue. If I didn't have the equity from selling our current home to pour into a new home, i don't think i'd buy right now, because the depreciation impact on my anxiety would be too much.

If we wait until the "right time" to buy a house, it'll never come. 

You're of course right about that, but you asked about the anxious spouse.

If your spouse has really high anxiety, and are risk averse, there are definitely better times to buy than others. Every market has its unique position in this bubble we are in, so only you and realty advisors in your area can know how much risk you will incur and then how much risk your partner can manage.

[Michelle]

Apr 12, 2022 18:28:32 GMT -5 foundmylazybum said:

The exercise that I do with people who catastrophize is to have them create three columns: in the first column write out their worst case fears.

Are you my therapist?
Kidding... but she uses this same technique and it is so helpful for me.

[expectantsteelerfan]

My dh isn't usually an anxious person, but when we bought our house this past summer, he was insanely anxious about it, mainly because of financial stuff (lots of backstory to play into why it came up all of a sudden for him). We increased our budget once the market went insane, and it got to the point where we found what was truly my dream house that was definitely over our agreed on budget, but we increased our pre-approval and decided to put a bid in on it (one of those situations where the showings were over the weekend and then best and final offers were due on Monday) and he had a panic attack on Sunday night that was so bad that we ended up pulling our offer. We did buy a house that was above our original budget but well below what that dream house was, and I honestly thought all was fine once we moved in and he could see that we could afford all the monthly costs, but it turns out he has actually still been stressing and anxious about the impending upkeep costs of the house the entire time and we got into a blowout fight about it just a few weeks ago. Our solution was to figure out what he needed to do to make him feel more comfortable at this point (and if he had told me that he didn't think he could be comfortable in this house, I would have been telling him he needed to seek therapy for sure at that point, and I did suggest it several times but I'm not going to push it if it doesn't continue to be an issue). He made a list of things he wanted to change in our budget that would make him feel more comfortable, and I went through our past few months of spending/savings with him in detail, and apparently now he does feel better. But the main problem was that I am the one in our relationship who handles the budget entirely, so he was really clueless about stuff even though he has access to all the info. So it took a lot of detailed info. and him thinking about what would really make him feel comfortable with spending/saving and seeing that it is possible with this house to feel ok. So now I'm just hoping it stays that way!

[foundmylazybum]

Apr 13, 2022 10:02:05 GMT -5 Michelle said:

Apr 12, 2022 18:28:32 GMT -5 foundmylazybum said:

The exercise that I do with people who catastrophize is to have them create three columns: in the first column write out their worst case fears.

Are you my therapist?
Kidding... but she uses this same technique and it is so helpful for me.

I'm so glad that it's helpful and I hope that having a reflection that the exercise does help gives hope the the OP, im sure your counselor is great!

Catastrophizing is an interesting thing bc some people really dive in. Like they LOVE to catastrophize! But if you don't do it as much or as intensely it can be pretty annoying or hard to understand that the feelings associated with it are very much real and as the op pointed out, they are stopping forward movement. 🥺

I feel like doing this exercise together can at least allow the person the space on paper to express their worst case fears, but also make a plan from realistic scenarios and it gives space that not every realistic is "sunshine and roses" there might be hard times..and how will you handle those! But don't plan from the bottom, unrealistic worst case!

It also lets the other person sit with the anxious person..and gain some insight, but in a forward way. ❤🌷

[imimahoney]

I am the super anxious spouse!

What helped me was looking at facts.

We have x available for fixes. We have y available for increased costs. We can always sell in z years if we hate it, etc, etc.