Step parent check in?

[Bernadine]

I need to vent.

My 40th birthday was the 23rd. I didn’t hear from dss (14). He came to our house the next day and immediately apologized and wished me happy birthday. He told me he got in trouble and his mom took his phone away (which of course, I support, if he was doing something wrong), but she wouldn’t let him use her phone to text or call me. ☹️

I offered to take him to the fireworks tonight, since I’m taking dd. His mom said no, he’s been spending too much time at our house. He has told us he’d like to spend more time with us, but his mom gets mad when he asks her.

So frustrating.

[icedcoffee]

😞 I’m sorry. That’s BS. Have you guys historically had a bumpy relationship?

[Bernadine]

Jul 4, 2022 12:10:37 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

😞 I’m sorry. That’s BS. Have you guys historically had a bumpy relationship?

Yeah. It gets better, then worse, rinse and repeat.

[Roc A Bee]

Ugh I’m sorry. Being a step-parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

And I stand by my post that one of the hardest parts is dealing with bio-mom.

What is your custody schedule like? Do you have 50:50 or would you like more? I know in my state (CA), kids’ wishes are taken into consideration at 14.

[Bernadine]

Jul 4, 2022 13:42:25 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

Ugh I’m sorry. Being a step-parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

And I stand by my post that one of the hardest parts is dealing with bio-mom.

What is your custody schedule like? Do you have 50:50 or would you like more? I know in my state (CA), kids’ wishes are taken into consideration at 14.

Oh yeah- dss is great, it’s definitely his mom that causes the issues.

We do not have 50:50, and yes, we’d like more time. Bio-mom told dss at one point that if he ever chose to live with us, he wasn’t welcome back to her house. So I think even if he talked to the courts, he’d be scared of her reaction if we got more time. At one point, h did tell bio-mom he was taking her to court (she was trying to keep dss from us during Covid), and mom told dss. He called h crying, begging him not to go to court. Ugh. It’s almost harder with him being older, because I can see how torn he is.

[Roc A Bee]

Jul 4, 2022 14:20:11 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Jul 4, 2022 13:42:25 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

Ugh I’m sorry. Being a step-parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

And I stand by my post that one of the hardest parts is dealing with bio-mom.

What is your custody schedule like? Do you have 50:50 or would you like more? I know in my state (CA), kids’ wishes are taken into consideration at 14.

Oh yeah- dss is great, it’s definitely his mom that causes the issues.

We do not have 50:50, and yes, we’d like more time. Bio-mom told dss at one point that if he ever chose to live with us, he wasn’t welcome back to her house. So I think even if he talked to the courts, he’d be scared of her reaction if we got more time. At one point, h did tell bio-mom he was taking her to court (she was trying to keep dss from us during Covid), and mom told dss. He called h crying, begging him not to go to court. Ugh. It’s almost harder with him being older, because I can see how torn he is.

Ugh I’m sorry. She sounds very manipulative.

Since he is older, I’d have a conversation with him about the courts think the best thing for kids is to spend equal time with each parent. And that it isn’t a scary thing- that they are there to make sure each parent gets what is fair. If he doesn’t want to talk to the court, I don’t think he would be forced. At least in my state, as long as the parent can state why what is proposed is best for the kid, then they don’t have to meet with the judge.

And I wouldn’t tell her that I was going back to court. I’d just do the paperwork and have her served. Honestly our issues improved when we went back to court and got everything in writing. Prior to that holiday time was what she wanted because she’s a control freak.

We still have issues. We wanted to pick up DSS 1.5 hours early as 4th of July is our holiday this year. Mind you, she picked the kids up 45 minutes early on Friday for no reason - it was just convenient for her. But today she doesn’t want to be flexible.

[bluestreet]

Jul 4, 2022 14:20:11 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Jul 4, 2022 13:42:25 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

Ugh I’m sorry. Being a step-parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

And I stand by my post that one of the hardest parts is dealing with bio-mom.

What is your custody schedule like? Do you have 50:50 or would you like more? I know in my state (CA), kids’ wishes are taken into consideration at 14.

Oh yeah- dss is great, it’s definitely his mom that causes the issues.

We do not have 50:50, and yes, we’d like more time. Bio-mom told dss at one point that if he ever chose to live with us, he wasn’t welcome back to her house. So I think even if he talked to the courts, he’d be scared of her reaction if we got more time. At one point, h did tell bio-mom he was taking her to court (she was trying to keep dss from us during Covid), and mom told dss. He called h crying, begging him not to go to court. Ugh. It’s almost harder with him being older, because I can see how torn he is.

What a horrid horrid person she is. That makes me mad just reading it. My ex is getting married to my former friend and likely the woman he had an affair with when I found out he was cheating and we split. Despite the unpleasant feelings I have about them, I do everything I can to maintain a good relationship with my ex and never say anything negative about ex and his fiancée to my three kids. And I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad and soon-to-be stepmom. Like, why cause unnecessary trauma for kiddos?! The goal needs to be creating as much stability and psychological safety for kids as possible.

That sucks and I’m really sorry. My step-dad was one of the most important people in the world to me. Best of luck navigating this stuff!

[katiecj6]

I'm sorry.

That's so hard. My stepson lives with us and is supposed to pay for all travel for visits. My husband has contacted her several times regarding his school break.

She responded yesterday and said she had no money for the plane tickets, my husband said he could not pay last minute but mentioned that I had a trip back to Canada with my son.

So of course my stepson's mom told him that he couldn't visit her because I was going to Canada. It's so hard.

[livinitup]

Jul 4, 2022 15:45:45 GMT -5 katiecj6 said:

I'm sorry.

That's so hard. My stepson lives with us and is supposed to pay for all travel for visits. My husband has contacted her several times regarding his school break.

She responded yesterday and said she had no money for the plane tickets, my husband said he could not pay last minute but mentioned that I had a trip back to Canada with my son.

So of course my stepson's mom told him that he couldn't visit her because I was going to Canada. It's so hard.

What happened? Bio mom didn’t pay for a ticket for her child to visit her. And that’s your fault (as the step mom) who paid for your own tickets (you and your child) to Canada?

Is that right? Is this line getting traction?

[themoneytree]

It’s been a difficult month for us. SD is with us 100% of the time and at 17 has a lot of stressors going on. SAT/ college applications/ dealing with bio mom even though she hardly ever sees her/ boyfriend, etc.
I think her birth control may have affected her anxiety meds too.
As a result she’s been a lot more difficult than usual and seems to be really taking a lot of it out on me. I can mostly handle it, but sometimes it just….. a lot.

We had a family therapy session last week which was actually helpful and her therapist called her out on a lot of things.
My patience is running on low which doesn’t help.

We’ve been away and she’s away camping with scouts right now so we’ll see how things look when she gets back. It’s been amazing having some time that’s just us. I really needed a vacation!

[ellipses84]

Being a stepmom is so hard. For my DSS we had to include a set a time and day (of the week and all holidays/bdays) in a court order to make them happen, which could be really inconvenient for everyone.

My DSS is now 22 and lives halfway across the country. He has always been an out of sight out of mind type of person and I know it’s normal for young adults to have their own life and not necessarily appreciate their parents yet, but he never reaches out to us, his little brothers or our extended family including cousins he was close to growing up. We always reach out and maybe get a response half the time.

[katiecj6]

Jul 4, 2022 19:04:21 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Jul 4, 2022 15:45:45 GMT -5 katiecj6 said:

I'm sorry.

That's so hard. My stepson lives with us and is supposed to pay for all travel for visits. My husband has contacted her several times regarding his school break.

She responded yesterday and said she had no money for the plane tickets, my husband said he could not pay last minute but mentioned that I had a trip back to Canada with my son.

So of course my stepson's mom told him that he couldn't visit her because I was going to Canada. It's so hard.

What happened? Bio mom didn’t pay for a ticket for her child to visit her. And that’s your fault (as the step mom) who paid for your own tickets (you and your child) to Canada?

Is that right? Is this line getting traction?

That's exactly right.

[twinmomma]

I'm an unofficial stepmom. My boyfriend and his son have lived with us for over 2 years now. We have my kids and bf's son on the same 50/50 schedule. And learning how to be a parent but not a parent is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Biomom is marrying someone who lives literally halfway across the country from us and is playing all kinds of games with custody, legal addresses, and schedule changes. It's a mess and only going to get worse once the wedding happens this fall. We're basically white knuckling through the summer to see what shakes out. It's exhausting.

[tarzanswife]

Jul 4, 2022 14:41:42 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

Jul 4, 2022 14:20:11 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Oh yeah- dss is great, it’s definitely his mom that causes the issues.

We do not have 50:50, and yes, we’d like more time. Bio-mom told dss at one point that if he ever chose to live with us, he wasn’t welcome back to her house. So I think even if he talked to the courts, he’d be scared of her reaction if we got more time. At one point, h did tell bio-mom he was taking her to court (she was trying to keep dss from us during Covid), and mom told dss. He called h crying, begging him not to go to court. Ugh. It’s almost harder with him being older, because I can see how torn he is.

Ugh I’m sorry. She sounds very manipulative.

Since he is older, I’d have a conversation with him about the courts think the best thing for kids is to spend equal time with each parent. And that it isn’t a scary thing- that they are there to make sure each parent gets what is fair. If he doesn’t want to talk to the court, I don’t think he would be forced. At least in my state, as long as the parent can state why what is proposed is best for the kid, then they don’t have to meet with the judge.

And I wouldn’t tell her that I was going back to court. I’d just do the paperwork and have her served. Honestly our issues improved when we went back to court and got everything in writing. Prior to that holiday time was what she wanted because she’s a control freak.

We still have issues. We wanted to pick up DSS 1.5 hours early as 4th of July is our holiday this year. Mind you, she picked the kids up 45 minutes early on Friday for no reason - it was just convenient for her. But today she doesn’t want to be flexible.

Ugh, what a horribly manipulative woman. I agree with Roc a Bee. I would take her back to court but keep the kids out of it. I would also put in your pleading that she uses going to court to manipulate the kids. My step sons have no idea of the amount of behind the scenes court filings there have been in regards to their custody. They are now happy adjusted adults 18 and 20 and still want to follow the schedule the court set up after we had our day in court. Do what is good for the kids in the long run. She can say all she wants but in the end the court is the final say and if she won't take DS back, fine. She can lose custody. 

[formerlyak]

Does their custody agreement talk at all about negative talk about the other parent? If so, I’d take her to court in those grounds and ask for more time. That would never fly in our divorce.

Also, as much as I know ex-h hates it, now that DS is almost 16, and ex lives 30 minutes away, he recognizes that he will end up giving up some parenting time because DS wants to do things in my city with his friends. He’s been pretty understanding of that lately. Sounds like bio-mom needs to recognize that as dss gets older, he needs to fork his own relationships and that may mean less time with her.