Possibly morbid question?

[verycontrary247]

In the past week, 2 of my former co-workers have had their husbands die unexpectedly in their sleep. They were both around our age, which has really set me on edge (especially considering my husband has existing heart issues).

My anxiety is best managed by planning for the worst. How does one prepare for the possibility of losing your spouse unexpectedly?

My husband handles the majority of our finances- he added my fingerprint to his phone and password manager app so I can access all of our account information if needed. I'm already the beneficiary of life insurance/investments/bank accounts.

What else can we do proactively?

[devonpow]

My brother in law died unexpectedly and the biggest issues were that he didn’t have a will and thst he had a new phone and my SIL didn’t know the password. She was never able to get into it. Make sure wills/trusts/power of attorneys/etc are all up to date is the biggest thing.

[fumbalina]

Life insurance is a good start. Pre-planning and even paying for a funeral will make it easier if he does pass away. Maybe assign someone to call others if needed or set up some communication for those who need to know.

[MixedBerryJam]

Mostly, get life insurance
And the rest, what worked for us is BOTH of you should know where all the money is, the login IDs and passwords.
Automate all bill paying (now so you don't miss payments in a time off chairs)
Make sure your accounts have the proper CURRENT beneficiaries.
We owned everything jointly,
Make sure you know who you call for electrical, plumbing, and handyman type problems
Have service contacts for major appliances. (These last two were actually my biggest challenge bc my h loved doing all that stuff himself, so we literally didn't have an electrician or a handyman. My neighbor was a plumber and connected with all the rest over time.

But really, get sufficient life insurance *to maintain you're current lifestyle. My kids were little, and we just roughly calculated how much it would cost to get them through college and pay off the mortgage-- nanny, tuition, food and board, extracurriculars, vacations, lost salary, what he'd be saving for retirement, etc., times years until the kids are through school, and got that much.

[krystee]

Something like this might be helpful so all the things are captured for either spouse:

www.emergencybinders.com/products/family-emergency-binder

[flex]

This is not a morbid question--it's a very reasonable question.

My husband died unexpectedly. Thankfully he had insisted we get life insurance when we bought our house. Unfortunately he didn't have a will so I had to go through probate court. That was a nightmare because I was already reeling from the grief, and then I had to go through court. It's better to pay the funds upfront for a will while a partner is living than file after he has gone.

I was also very glad he had given me the password to his desktop so I was able to access his emails and accounts so I could close everything.

[heygrey]

I'm the same with thinking things through to ease my anxiety. I've been thinking about this more lately because my grandpa passed in August and I realized my family has a very standard way of operating after a death. Within hours the immediate family gathers, next day they call the funeral home, the church provides a meal after the funeral, a meal train is established if needed, etc. Everyone lives nearby, it's a familiar routine they can navigate in the face of grief.

We live far from family, a minimum 4 hour plane ride, so if something happened to H unexpectedly I'd be on my own for probably a day before anyone would arrive. And even then, they don't know my town, I'd be playing host in the wake of grief. There is no SOP here for me. I've thought through what I'd do in the first hour/day/week and who I would ask for help. Having a point person in H's large family so I'm not supporting all of them with travel and accommodations. Asking my best friend to spend the first night with me until family arrived. Another friend has lived here forever and knows the funeral homes, etc.

I don't feel the need to have everything figured out in detail for what is an unlikely scenario, but just having a rough idea of who I would turn to for support right away is comforting. Our families are amazing, but they won't really be helpful with all those first week details.

[starburst604]

It’s not morbid to want to be prepared. It’s why I hassled H to get our will done. We have that and our life insurance so I feel prepared on that end. I manage all our money and bills, so he would actually be the one who would be clueless if something happens to me.

I actually have been thinking about this lately because a woman I know has a partner and 2 young children with him but they aren’t married. She hasn’t worked since having their first child. He recently had a terrible car accident and it looks like he may not make it. I keep wondering what happens to her since they aren’t married. I know they built an expensive house recently and she likes the finer things in life, has all designer clothes and bags etc as do her girls. I hope that he has a will that provides for her since nothing will automatically go to her legally. I’m not even sure she has access to anything, from what I know he gave her a hefty monthly “allowance” for her shopping and whatnot and handled the rest of the bills.

[VillainV]

Not morbid at all.

1. Life insurance. If you don’t have it, get it, and if you do have it, double-check that the beneficiaries are correct. Also, make sure you have the right AMOUNT of insurance. You’ll want enough to cover funeral expenses at a minimum, but likely enough for the surviving spouse to pay off any existing mortgage and other debt plus living expenses for several months.

2. Will. If you don’t have them, get them. If you do, make sure they’re correct. This includes living will and durable healthcare POA.

3. You really need access to all the financials. If it’s a joint account, make sure you get your own login and password, and have the apps on YOUR phone. Use and check regularly.

4. Make sure that all beneficiaries on NON-JOINT accounts are correct. You don’t want to wait for probate to be able to access this $$z

5. Take a month where you pay all the bills, or at least sit down with your H while he does it.

[mcmel]

I will also add that on top of these things mentioned, I’ve started recording my H more. My dad died after a very quick illness earlier this year and I had to rush to record things, his voice, his stories, etc. I’ve now begun that with my H, just in case. I just hit the voice record button on my phone and then go tell him I love him. He tells me he loves me and I stop recording. He never knows it. But I want to be able to listen to him. I’m also going to take more videos. I know I’d want to be able to see him move, laugh, breathe.

Parents, please please please record things to your kids. Singing happy birthday, just saying I love you, a fun memory.

There are books online that give you prompts and help you write your life’s story. Do that for your kids. Today, not “I should do that” but today. Press the record button today. Then send them to an email or somewhere to back them up. Buy the book or start writing your story today. Do not put it off.

Everyone already has a recording app on their phone, either video or just audio. Please do this for them.

[egeiger]

These are not mine, but someone else on the board shared them and I found them helpful.


Swear Version:
drive.google.com/file/d/12LuGzCeU2PKPTjXjrXG63CGHK-bUB6XV/view

Black Humor but no Swear Version:
drive.google.com/file/d/15cz22OMDqXAfSCXNx4fLn11IMPoxUhoS/view

[sdlaura]

Beyond life insurance (term), we saw an estate planner and set up a trust and all kinds of other things. I don’t know if you have kids, but I’m much more concerned with setting up our kids in case something were to happen to both DH and me, so I was willing to pay an expert.

[Susie]

Make sure you are a joint owner of all credit card accounts, and/or have some of your own, and you are not just an authorized user on cards primarily held in his name.

When my mom died, my dad found out the hard way that if you are just the authorized user, and the bank is notified that the primary account holder has died, they close the account.  Once my dad figured that out, he held off on notifying his last credit card holder that my mom had died until he secured a credit card in his own name.  But it's a complication that nobody needs in that moment when they just need some damn gas for the car to get to an from the funeral home/making arrangements. 

[laterz]

All good advice.

We use a 1Password. I have a vault, he has a vault, and we have a family vault (that stores passwords that both of us need.) We could get into each other's vault if needed, but the family vault makes it super easy day-to-day.

[MixedBerryJam]

Sept 25, 2022 6:31:57 GMT -5 mcmel said:

I will also add that on top of these things mentioned, I’ve started recording my H more. …Everyone already has a recording app on their phone, either video or just audio. Please do this for them.

This is such an interesting thought and timely for me bc my husbands been gone for 12 years and last winter my son asked for copies of our videotapes bc he doesn’t remember his dads voice. I don’t even know how much I have of his dad tho, since he haaaated being in the videos And most of them are just me and the kids anyway. So that’s the project for this week.

[pierogigirl]

If you have separate bank accounts, be sure you are each other's beneficiaries on those accounts.

Get rid of clutter in your house. My brother died very unexpectedly in May. I am trying to clear out his house to put it on the market. It is a lot since I live 130 miles away.

[pinkplasticdoll]

I died for a few minutes 2 years ago so it was a wakeup call for us. We got life insurance outside of work, made a will, set up beneficiaries for our kids , all passwords are in a location we can both access them, we have our final wishes established and documented , all important documents are in a location known and accessible to both of us. Honestly final wishes were a big concern for us, my husband was like I suddenly forgot what you would have wanted me to do with you if you didn't survive.

[Aquatica]

Everyone has a lot of great advice. Mine to add is an emergency fund for at least 6 months so the grieving party can have time and to figure out the next step.

I'm working with my parents on this and we found if my dad passes first, my mom could not afford the house abd would have to sell it. Having at least 6 months of expenses covered could give her a plan while us kids help.

[bex1973]

Thank you for starting this thread! We opted in to legal coverage this year so we could get a will done and I still haven't done what is needed to get that started. I'm putting it on my to do list for this Thursday since I took the day off!

[simpsongal]

I'll just add, in terms of the shock and what happens in the moment - I think you find strength and friends you probably didn't realize you had. Y'all know this happened to my mom ~2 years ago. She has no family nearby, we 3 kids arrived Thursday night, my father passed in the middle of the night early Wed. morning. Her neighbor saw the ambulance, stayed w/my mom through the whole thing until they carried my dad out. They were like friend acquaintances before, now she and my mom hang out together 1-2 times/week. That neighbor slept/laid on the couch w/my mom in those wee hours of the morning. Another close friend went with her to the funeral home later that morning. She's had so much help and support along the way.

A lot of the above is all the formalities of making sure you're financially/legally cared for. But I can't stress the importance of building friendships, bonds with neighbors and your community.

We also felt fortunate that my folks had renovated their bedroom a couple years ago, so they had cleaned out and saved things that were special. I went right to the top of my dad's closet to pull out some of his cherished items. Made funeral planning easier too.

And if you haven't had conversations about your spouse's wishes, or religion/spirituality w/your spouse kids, etc. - it's a good time to lay that groundwork, whatever your beliefs.

[Bernadine]

There’s a book on Amazon called “I’m Dead, Now What?” that I’ve been wanting to get.