Social Life kids

[waverly]

Ideas for moving from outdoor spontaneous get togethers for the boys to inside get togethers?  Also, there is a group of 5-6 boys at his lunch table.  I'm wondering what I could host for them in Nov or Dec.  

I struggle also with the fact that I am the only one hosting.  In the spring/ summer the boys kind of disappeared, and I know he wanted to hang with them.  I hosted a sports get together, summer BBQ, and a sleepover and they never invited DS or DD to anything all summer/ fall.  The one mom did arrange for a BB camp which DD enjoyed.  The boys camp was canceled.  The boys do arrange themselves to hang out after school on some nights but it's usually at the park or my house.  It is never at the other neighbors house.  I am excited to be the neighborhood hangout, but I also struggle with things being equal, and I probably shouldn't.  He did get an invite for a Halloween party from one of the lunch table boys.  They usually never play at the other kids houses, and there is usually no invites to their houses.  The one family, I don't think invites anyone over.  But its hard when the other family does, and we never get invited.  

Should I be concerned that DS never seems to want to hang out with friends?   He has 1 preferred friend but otherwise has no inclination to make any effort with anyone else, and the preferred friend is often busy.  He does hang with neighbors currently maybe 1-2 times a week outside only, but usually only when the weather is nice and usually not on the weekends.  

For DD, she does get far more invites than DS but lately they have been soccer parties, Girl Scout parties, friends from GS parties, and that kind of thing.  No individual hang out invites.  She does play with one neighbor a lot in the other neighbor's yard, so I will need to figure out indoor activities for that neighbor in winter.  She is also not getting the invites for sleepovers etc.  She is going to have her first birthday party sleepover and struggling with who to invite.  Any way to help her?  I suggested a baking party (sort of sarcastically since I suck at baking and would mostly be drinking wine, and she was like ugh no parties too much work, and she said she also hates baking).  

I know the answer is that if I want the social life to be a certain way that I have to invite/ host.  It's just hard sometimes seeing that everyone else is invited to the town hoedown, or to a playdate at the zoo (where the other mom takes them) or to sleepovers and my kids aren't.  But also, my kids don't necessarily want to do all that either because it makes it very busy with no downtime.  Not sure exactly what I am looking for here.  Maybe that its OK to be an introvert.  But it's something I struggle with my whole life because I like my introverted activities and get tired with others, but I still want others to invite me and not me do all the heavy lifting socially.  But also, do I just think that, are they really doing more than I think?  Or am I justified in being annoyed that I am doing all the events and planning with no reciprocity.  

[mae0111]

waverly, I think I hear what you're saying. I think it's hard when the kids are left out. I just saw a mom from school posted that 3 out of the 5 girls in DD1's class got together at a music festival recently. We couldn't have gone, but it would have been nice to have been invited. DD1 has kind of accepted that she's not in with those kids and has tried to cultivate friendships elsewhere.

DD2 seems to have a lot of friends, but I still wind up hosting a lot of the time. Most of the time the kids are excited to come, the parents are more than willing to get the kids here, but they don't necessarily think of her to invite over. School friends live 20-30 mins away so that makes it tough. The invitations seem to come in waves. We've had a super busy fall, so she hasn't seen a ton of friends lately.

But you're right - I think that you kind of have to host to keep it going, and then maybe things will be reciprocated. Would they do a movie night? Or a gaming night? Unless it's frigid, I send the kids out to play. They could bundle up and do nerf/laser tag? I'll keep thinking...

[186momx]

waverly, I hear you. DD has invited people to join her and no one has shown up and it hurt. Especially when friend O does the same shout out a couple weeks later and we go and a ton of other friends join in. I don't know why when we do the shout out no one attends. DD is an introvert and I think her friends have realized that she has a hard time going as long as they do. She would never be able to hit a late rec swim after a 3-hour practice.

That said we've started inviting 1 friend to join us on activities and rotate friends. Mostly it is last minute or inviting the night before, but we get a better reception than a whole group invite. We invited O to go to the beach for a picnic dinner and sunset beach walk. It worked out great and both girls had fun.

Could he invite someone from lunch group over to play video games on a Saturday or join you guys at the movies if you are already going.

[mommyatty]

My DD has been left off two party invitation lists recently. One is a new girl from Germany who invited every other girl in her grade. I’m willing to chalk that up to a language issue since DD goes by a nickname and her real name could be a girl or boy and in England is a boy name. The other infuriates me because it’s a family we know damn well. The parents are constantly asking us to encourage my DD to be friends with their DD because their DD is a social climber who desperately wants to be friends with two very popular girls who treat her like crap. They’ve done everything to be clear they don’t want to be friends with her. So this girl had a party, invited the girls who don’t like her and DD’s bff but not DD. So frankly f them and their social climbing little reject. They won’t get invited to anything else again. Which brings me to…

We host a lot. Part of it is we have a really great pool, in Texas, so it’s usable more than half the year. Part is I like hosting or at least don’t mind it. I think a lot of people are stressed about their houses or whatnot. I don’t. My motto is “if you’re judging how clean my house isn’t, you aren’t my kind of people anyway.” Plus it gives me a better read on how things are going with my kids. Which is helpful. And I want my kids’ friends to think of us as adults they can approach.

[waverly]

mae0111, good ideas, thanks. Yeah, I think because we were in the pandemic bubble together and the mom would text me daily. Now, she is back to socializing with her old friends, and I am left out again. We were close enough to be in the bubble so why not now? But I think really our friendship is more to facilitate the kids' friendships and that's OK because I want them to have friends. They also needed parental supervision at the park, and now they don't. But with everything picking back up, lacrosse, baseball, fall sports, and travel we just all see everyone less often because people aren't as available as they were before. And I know that is true of myself also. My other friend was the same thing, super close because she trusted me the most during the pandemic, but now her daughter is in softball and wants to hang with softball friends, we don't get invited anymore. I get this is the natural progression of friendship, and I need to be open to the ebbs and flows. I just am not so great at knowing what to do during the ebb times. Do I keep trying or move on type overthinking. Where, I'm sure the other person is literally not thinking about it at all.

When we host its the same thing. They mostly come, they are excited and then.... It falls off.

[waverly]

mommyatty , this is what I keep telling myself that I get to know the kids better. I have a small yard though- no pool to entertain. But, I think the reason that the other parents in the neighborhood let me host is because my driveway is the best for basketball and 4 square. I have nerf guns. And I am in the middle between 2 houses and the park. So I try to gear myself up for it. But as an introvert, it does not come naturally. They are actually much better than they were. The neighbors used to send their kids up for better sidewalks to scooter on, and they were 7-9 or 8-10 age range and there was a lot more injuries and crying at those ages. Now, they need a lot less supervision, and it is actually way easier. We have the biggest house, and both neighbors were having patios installed. But once you get your patio installed invite me over on it- ha ha.

[waverly]

Oct 24, 2022 15:39:58 GMT -5 186momx said:

waverly , I hear you. DD has invited people to join her and no one has shown up and it hurt. Especially when friend O does the same shout out a couple weeks later and we go and a ton of other friends join in. I don't know why when we do the shout out no one attends. DD is an introvert and I think her friends have realized that she has a hard time going as long as they do. She would never be able to hit a late rec swim after a 3-hour practice.

That said we've started inviting 1 friend to join us on activities and rotate friends. Mostly it is last minute or inviting the night before, but we get a better reception than a whole group invite. We invited O to go to the beach for a picnic dinner and sunset beach walk. It worked out great and both girls had fun.

Could he invite someone from lunch group over to play video games on a Saturday or join you guys at the movies if you are already going.

This too.  None of us seem to be able to go so long, and that's OK I'd rather be home than sweating my butt off this summer, but it does limit us.  For example, we went downtown for the concert.  The other people bring chairs and stay all night.  They were already sitting in the shade so maybe that was why they were OK.  We walked in the sun and left after 30 minutes.  It was in the 90's.  We are close enough to walk down town but I wasn't going to bring chairs up and down the hill.  We are the only hilly town.  

We skipped the hoedown because we had the party to attend.  4 other parents did both the hoedown and the party, and stayed the whole time/ day drinked etc.  We only went to the party, left half way, DH took a nap, and then came back to pick up DD.  We have the introvert staying power which is about 1/3 the extrovert staying power.  

[livinitup]

DD is 14 and invites a friend over most weekends and more so throughout the summer. They love it, everyone has a great time, parents are kind and warm. There is little to no reciprocity. She has one friend with one mom who makes an effort to host. And that is just a little bit - and only for DD (not her other friends - because that kid does so much with us).

It kinda made sense with one kid when DD’s best friend had a single dad and he LOVED sending his DD over and we didn’t want it to be reciprocated (he had weird working hours and roommates - NBD we just always always hosted). Then he was busy with getting married and having a new baby. Then they moved away.

I don’t get the sense that families host their children’s friends much. We do.

I think families just rely on siblings and cousins a lot. Or the parents are friends and the kids get thrown together because of that. Or there are lots of sports or structured activities like Girl Scouts. And then when there is a small group meet-up, people just don’t want to invite a bigger group, so DD does not get invited.

It’s been 10 years and I still don’t get it. We put exactly as much effort into hosting that we want, invite who we want, and DD enjoys the company that says yes. She is not in a bigger friends group, and that’s a-okay with us.

I figured if it isn’t broken, no need to fix it. When I was her age, my parents never paid attention to hosting friends and I just ended up reading a lot of books in my own company. Nothing wrong with that either!

[waverly]

livinitup , One of my problems is that I compare it to my growing up. I always had a friend over every weekend for a sleepover and then went to their house for a sleepover the other night. I have to remind myself that it was TOO MANY sleepovers. And that also, I am probably remembering it being more often than it actually was. Then in middle high school, that friend became a bit problematic. Nothing major, but it became more of her inviting her other friends and me having to just do whatever they wanted to do without a way for me to leave the situation. Again, nothing inappropriate but I guess they were bad at communicating that others were coming or giving me control in the plans, for example watching horror movies when I disliked them. So I try to tell myself that this is a better model.

You are right though, I get the impression that some families never have people over. One of the friends for DS's sleepover birthday party said it was also his first sleepover. I get it was delayed because of the pandemic, but obviously they don't host sleepovers and he doesn't get invited much either. He spends most of his time at his cousins when his parents are working in the summer, for example.  It was also DS's first sleepover, so that made me feel better.  Also, I think boys do sleepovers less or this generation does sleepovers less.  

I keep telling myself that if DS is happy to not say anything, and I try. But I will ask him hey do you want to... and most of the time he says no he just wants to hang out by himself.  Same with DD, when I say do you want to invite so and so over, or play with X a lot of times she says no.  I just remember when I was kid, I wouldn't usually think to say no.  Maybe they are more evolved then I was.

I also agree with the its been 10 years, and I still don't get it.  Lets be clear I don't reciprocate everything, and I am sure there have been times people may have wanted me to or been irritated with me.  But I do have perhaps too much of a reciprocal personality/ expectation.  

[186momx]

Since this is social related. I'm teaching DD to RSVP to party invites. She had 2 party invites given last week. The school kid she sent a text saying "Hi H I sorry I can't come to your party on 10/28. I have practice that night. DD" She got the weirdest response from his mom but I made her RSVP because it is polite. The other party was for a fellow gym mate, and she just told her mom at the gym in person.

Gym friend was last night and DD was so stressed about going. She was very worried about running into kids from school and how to act. I really didn't understand why the anxiety and why if she saw someone from school it would be a bad thing.

[edwardo123]

My oldest is 13 and has anxiety. I strongly encourage her to do at least one or two social things a month. Most of the time, it’s inviting a friend over to hang out, go shopping, or a local amusement park that most kids have passes. The only time she’s invited somewhere is for whole team events, like a pasta dinner. She’s left out a lot. It’s hard to watch because I consider some of the mom’s my friends. After a recent cross country race, nearly all the girls and their mom’s met up at a local brunch place. We were excluded, even though my daughter typically eats at their lunch table and has had most of them over at some point. Middle school is rough.

[vasc]

I would take the child’s lead. Is your son distressed about any of this? Aware there are discrepancies? Expressing sadness and unhappiness that friendships seem to be one-sided?

Maybe I’m heartless or just feel my kid is in a good place socially, but I’m too damn busy to stress about my elementary kid friendships. Kids seem happy? Okay, seems like we are good.

[twinmomma]

I'm kind of with vasc here. I don't stress about setting up a ton of playdates and stuff for my kids. They hang out with friends all day at school, then go to the Boys and Girls Club after school and hang out with some of the same friends and some other club friends. Then they just want to come home and chill with our family.

On weekends we don't actually make a ton of plans with other kids. Probably in part because we only have the kids every other weekend, so we are fitting in family stuff. But also, the kids don't really ask for it. They might go out in the neighborhood and ride bikes and run into a couple kids to hang out with. Or they might just want to hang at home.

The girls have 2 really good, BFF level friends that we make a point to hang out with. But it's usually whole family hang outs because we're friends with the parents too. Beau's son has a couple good friends at school that he'll hang out with maybe once a month or so. But if the kids aren't asking for playdates, I'm not booking them.

[mommyatty]

I don’t stress about play dates for DD. Mostly when we host it’s because we think it’ll be fun. And there are certain things we do every year, like we have a really good small neighborhood for Trick or Treating so we have friends join us. And a Christmas cookie decorating party. But it’s not a monthly thing except in the summer, when we do it every few weeks.

DS struggles so hard with friendships and being an introvert that I do make an effort there. He gets very sad about not having many friends.

[waverly]

For DS, I do think he has some anxiety. I think that as he gets older he needs more social experiences and experience reaching out and setting things up. He seems to choose the easy route. That's fine if he is happy, but I also need to balance it with teaching him these skills for high school and moreso college/ as an adult. In college and as an adult, he won't have built in friendships, so he will need to navigate the changing friend landscape.

For DD, I am actually not sure what is up with her. I think she sees these kids a lot on the bus and in band. And with soccer and girl scouts she has 2 great groups of girls, so I think she is just tired of being social on the weekends.  Oh and I kind of know the answer is to follow their lead and if they are happy, I am happy.  And I do that, but sometimes I wonder if I should be doing more or stepping back.  If DS makes basketball at school, we will probably have him walk home and get him a phone so he can start texting friends.  Otherwise, he doesn't really need a phone yet. 

[traveltheworld]

We don't typically have friends over to play, and definitely no sleepovers. DS is 10 and I don't think sleepovers are common in his social circle. The kids have so many activities that when they have free time, they want to play with each other or we want to hang out as a family. They get invited to birthday parties, but seldom do they get invited to just hang-outs at other kids' homes.

DS is super social, but DH and I always joke that he's an "acquired taste". He can be a lot. He has a few really good friends, but gets excluded a lot from the bigger group. It makes me a little sad sometimes, but he doesn't seem to notice so I don't mention it. DD is outwardly social, but she doesn't seem to actually like spending time with other people. She prefers being by herself. If I arrange a playdate, she'll do it, but she never asks for one.

I used to stress more about this, but have decided as long as they each have one or two good friends (and they do), and seem generally happy, then I'm not going to worry.

[waverly]

traveltheworld , yeah its a little strange to me that DD never asks for a playdate. When she is bored and the weather is nice, I will say go play with neighbor and often she will balk at it a little.

I think the different also is that I grew up in the country with not as much to do so people hung out at people's houses. In the area where we live now, there is a somewhat unrealistic expectation that everything will be this unique, fun, free, out of the house event. And then yes, kids are busier with structured activities than when I was a kid.  But it adds a little more pressure since everyone is maximizers of their free time.  

[sandandsea]

I think there are a few layers here. First really accept your kids how they are, they are who they are and have their preferences and don’t need to perform or pretend to be something else. let them lead socially and if they express a concern or reply to your inquiry that there is a problem then step in but don’t assume there is a problem just because it’s different than you may have imagined or desired for you or them. If they like quiet and downtime let them have it, if they have a very small but deep friend group vs tons of friends that’s great and healthy too. I think one seems outwardly more fulfilling and glitzy but in reality as long as they are connecting with someone and making friends it’s fine! And kids gravitate to other kids naturally, if you force it it feels uncomfortable. Also you may find that there is a good reason they don’t want to be besties with xyz.

If they express a sadness or desire to have more friends or more time with friends then step in and offer to host, take a buddy places or plan a get together. Have more one on one time with some of the group leaders to build strong relationships. Ask another mom to swap play dates. You could go to the zoo, indoor golf or trampoline or arcade, bowling, parks, etc. and then they could reciprocate.

Also try not to compare to others lives and friendships as it will only cause you and your kids sadness. If you want to do something like that reach out and let them know you’re game and offer to set something up. Organizing those things takes a lot of time and coordination and realistically often aren’t as fun and easy as they seem on social media.

I have one of each (mr popular and mr plays alone at recess a lot because he wants to master the monkey bars and doesn’t want to olay what others are playing) and I do worry about the one that is less social but truthfully he makes good choices and has good reasons why he doesn’t want to play with some and he chose his bestie very well and is very close to him, though he goes to a different school. I want him to be confident in his friendships and self worth to know that I applaud his decision to not hang out with xyz if xyz, though seemingly popular and cool, makes a lot of bad decisions and isnt a good friend. He doesn’t need to have lots of friends if they aren’t good friends. I am proud of his self confidence to not care.

[waverly]

sandandsea , I agree and thank you. I know I need to stop comparing because life is different from where I grew up both in that the generations and what they like to do are different and in the things to do in rural versus suburb.

You are so right that it seems better than it is. I don't actually want to do the trick or treating (all the moms were sweating at the party from it), and I've been to the zoo so many times, that I don't actually want to take someone's kid there.

I saw some kids at basketball last night and the mom mentioned them walking over for open gym. I thought wow such a great idea, and maybe she will organize this. Or maybe it will fizzle. I mention it to DS and he's like can I invite best friend? I'm like we love your best friend, but you can do things with other friends. He isn't interested, so oh well. Now, if we do get invited I will encourage him to go (and maybe invite best friend or not), but I will still encourage it because he would have a blast playing basketball at the gym with no parents around.  I keep trying to tell him to diversify.  

[mae0111]

waverly, if the kids can walk over to the open gym, why does any mom have to coordinate it? Why can't the kids just get together and walk over? No way would I put myself in the middle of something like that. Or if it's close to your house, maybe offer pizza after if the kids want to walk back to your house? But just tell your DS - I wouldn't be tearing my hair out trying to coordinate that.

[cjcouple]

IME there is not much you can do when they are left out of parties or get togethers. You are correct that you may need to be the one to initiate get togethers. My condo is pretty small and my boys share a bedroom so it's difficult to have others here. When they do have a friend over, I have to give up the living room because where else can they hang out? but I do it because I do need to be the host from time to time. It's possible other people are in the same position. I feel bad because my son goes to others houses a lot but they have better set ups. It definitely unbalanced and I realize that. I do contribute though by sending along drinks and snacks to help the parents out and hopefully take of the pressures off them in case they may be feeling like you. Unfortunately, you need to decide how much you're willing to "host".

One other thing I do is look for things in the area that I can invite them to. Roller rink for example has a family night on fridays and saturday. Its $35 up to 6 people and includes skate rentals, a large pizza and pitcher of soda. I have taken a friend or 2 with them and they did reciprocate sometimes after they realized it was a good idea. However, it is still you fronting the cash usually.

Free Community events, school events are nice and I try to arrange carpools. This helps encourage more 1 on 1s or small group outings and no one needs to host. And the kids like to enter and leave together

Lastly, just understand their social lives may be different from your picture but that doesn't mean they are lacking. For the record I aim for 1 get together every 6 weeks or so. Cold weather is tough but even asking someone to go sledding (if you get snow) can be fun.

[waverly]

Oct 26, 2022 11:12:27 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

waverly , if the kids can walk over to the open gym, why does any mom have to coordinate it? Why can't the kids just get together and walk over? No way would I put myself in the middle of something like that. Or if it's close to your house, maybe offer pizza after if the kids want to walk back to your house? But just tell your DS - I wouldn't be tearing my hair out trying to coordinate that.

It's close to the school but not any of our houses, so the parents would at least need to know that they need to pick up the kid and send the kid with money for the gym or purchase a gym membership.

But you are right, if I am in the middle of it then it becomes a thing that DS probably doesn't want.  So I guess he can steal the idea and float it with his friends.  I don't see him initiating with the kids that the other mom was indicating.  Could be a good cold weather activity if they don't make the basketball team.  

[dglvrk2]

Oct 25, 2022 22:07:57 GMT -5 sandandsea said:

I think there are a few layers here. First really accept your kids how they are, they are who they are and have their preferences and don’t need to perform or pretend to be something else. let them lead socially and if they express a concern or reply to your inquiry that there is a problem then step in but don’t assume there is a problem just because it’s different than you may have imagined or desired for you or them. If they like quiet and downtime let them have it, if they have a very small but deep friend group vs tons of friends that’s great and healthy too. I think one seems outwardly more fulfilling and glitzy but in reality as long as they are connecting with someone and making friends it’s fine! And kids gravitate to other kids naturally, if you force it it feels uncomfortable. Also you may find that there is a good reason they don’t want to be besties with xyz.

If they express a sadness or desire to have more friends or more time with friends then step in and offer to host, take a buddy places or plan a get together. Have more one on one time with some of the group leaders to build strong relationships. Ask another mom to swap play dates. You could go to the zoo, indoor golf or trampoline or arcade, bowling, parks, etc. and then they could reciprocate.

Also try not to compare to others lives and friendships as it will only cause you and your kids sadness. If you want to do something like that reach out and let them know you’re game and offer to set something up. Organizing those things takes a lot of time and coordination and realistically often aren’t as fun and easy as they seem on social media.

I have one of each (mr popular and mr plays alone at recess a lot because he wants to master the monkey bars and doesn’t want to olay what others are playing) and I do worry about the one that is less social but truthfully he makes good choices and has good reasons why he doesn’t want to play with some and he chose his bestie very well and is very close to him, though he goes to a different school. I want him to be confident in his friendships and self worth to know that I applaud his decision to not hang out with xyz if xyz, though seemingly popular and cool, makes a lot of bad decisions and isnt a good friend. He doesn’t need to have lots of friends if they aren’t good friends. I am proud of his self confidence to not care.

This is great advice!

I posted a couple of days ago regarding a similar situation with my DD. Like many of you have suggested, I need to resist the urge to "fix" or improve her social life when the "problem" seems to be that it's is different than *I* envisioned as desirable. She's not saying it's an issue, so I should let it be.

In efforts to be brief in my post, I didn't elaborate on knowing there are get togethers to wich she's not invited. This is especially hard to digest when she and I have reached out to several of the girls/families, doing the inviting on many other occasions. (Sometimes they accept; others they decline.)

I've encouraged her to branch out...When she wants to plan get togethers, she's not inclined to do this. However, I've seen her totally click with other kids she knows, but not part of her school friend group, when we randomly see them at events etc.

With that in mind, I know what kids go through socially is not permanent. She also has her reasons for making the choices she makes, or perhaps just gut feelings. It's my job to be there for her and trust her through this.

[ECB]

Oct 24, 2022 19:21:35 GMT -5 vasc said:

I would take the child’s lead. Is your son distressed about any of this? Aware there are discrepancies? Expressing sadness and unhappiness that friendships seem to be one-sided?

Maybe I’m heartless or just feel my kid is in a good place socially, but I’m too damn busy to stress about my elementary kid friendships. Kids seem happy? Okay, seems like we are good.

I'm SO late to this thread.

But this.  I deal with it too with DS.  I just want HIM to be happy - and he seems to be!  He's a homebody, so much like I was as a kid!  And I need to remember that.

I also think that we - the general adult we - have been impacted by social media.  I'm more aware of stuff going on around me, and even with texting, kids are more aware of other events going on than we (or our parents) were ever aware of as kids.  And I think it creates a bit of angst!   We live in an extrovert world and there is this constant pressure to be "out and about" and doing stuff, and being social, and and and and....

When kids can recognize for themselves that they DON'T want to go out, they don't care about not being invited to a party.... let's relish that for a moment and not add OUR angst to their social lives.