Cheating poll

[fryjack2]

Also brought to you by conversations that were had yesterday with people I don't know well.  I was super surprised that someone in the conversation admitted to cheating years ago and her husband has never found out.  I thought that was rare and most people find out, but maybe that's not the case?

Have you ever cheated on your spouse or long term partner?

1) Yes, and they found out
2) Yes, and they have never known
3) No
4) SS

[Bernadine]

I haven’t, but my h has and I found out. There was one clue that he explained away, and then I ended up seeing messages on his phone.

[mccallister84]

I’m a no. I also am kind of surprised that someone who cheated on their spouse years ago and they never found out is telling other people that. If it was me I’d take it to the grave - every new person who knows only increases the likelihood of my partner finding out.

[Deleted]

I have never cheated on either of my husbands. However, when I was 21 and in a LTR I cheated and he never found out.

Also, my exH cheated on me and I found out because the other woman contacted me. Turned out that there were actually many "other" women once I started digging in his phone and computer.

[circa1978]

Ummmmm, very early in our relationship. Like in the first few months of dating. I really didn't realize his feelings were as serious as they were and I did tell him eventually, so I don't know if you'd count it as cheating so much as a one-night-stand? He would not have known otherwise.

We have several friends in open relationships, and I can separate the concepts of sex and love. My H doesn't work like that, but he has told me that he'd be open to the idea of an open relationship, with just me pursuing it. (I'm significantly younger than he is.) I've never taken him up on it and I don't see myself ever doing so.

[ssmjlm]

Cheating is a dealbreaker for me, so I expect the same of myself. It's also why I refuse to be financially dependent on anyone. Like, nope, I can afford the house on my own, you can go.



Also in a somewhat joking manner, but dang, I already have to carve out time for myself. I 100% do not want anything else that requires more of my time/attention. No person is worth both the cheating and the time suck (IMO).

[amandakisser]

Oct 26, 2022 8:18:41 GMT -5 mccallister84 said:

I’m a no. I also am kind of surprised that someone who cheated on their spouse years ago and they never found out is telling other people that. If it was me I’d take it to the grave - every new person who knows only increases the likelihood of my partner finding out.

Yup. I wouldn't even tell my BFF if I cheated!

I voted NO. I am in a VERY unhappy marriage and working really, REALLY hard to fix that, but I've never cheated. I barely want to be with my own spouse, there's literally zero way I'd want to be with someone else right now, lol! And my H has his share of issues but cheating is literally the last thing he would ever do to me so I have no worries from him either.

[Deleted]

This actually reminds me. In my friend group of 5, 2 of them have been the "other" woman. My one friend had a relationship with her married neighbor. She's never been married herself, but still, she was in a LTR and he constantly cheated on her, I have no idea how she can justify what she did. The other friend is currently having an affair with her married ex-coworker. She has been married and her ex cheated on her as well. I just don't understand. I bring it up because they both told our friend group. Like, why would you tell anyone that?

[wanderingback]

Oct 26, 2022 8:18:41 GMT -5 mccallister84 said:

I’m a no. I also am kind of surprised that someone who cheated on their spouse years ago and they never found out is telling other people that. If it was me I’d take it to the grave - every new person who knows only increases the likelihood of my partner finding out.

Yeah yikes.
I’ve never cheated but it would be relatively easy to do and I’d def take it to the grave!

I do have one friend who messed around with another guy (a mutual friend) when she was with her very long term boyfriend and they’ve now been married for maybe 10 years. She told me before they were married and said she was never going to tell another person. Def good idea to keep your mouth shut!

[wildrice]

No, and I honestly don't see that ever changing. I've been cheated on by my XH, so I know how awful that feels and I just don't think I could do it to my H. Nor have I ever even wanted to - I tend to naturally be pretty monogamous with my feelings and have never really even had a crush on someone else when I'm in a relationship.

[Jalapeñomel]

No never

[kadams767]

No. But I am not that surprised that it happens and the other person never finds out about it. My husband and I both used to travel for work fairly extensively and spent a lot of time away from each other. I don't think it would have been difficult for one of us to hide something at that stage of our lives. Whether it would eventually come out, who knows, but in that specific timeframe, we were apart so much it would have been hard to even pinpoint some kind of "off" behavior or detail about the other person. I'm saying this tongue in cheek, of course, but just thinking about the receipts and credit card bills from that time, we each could have been having multiple affairs in different cities and it would have been impossible to tell from those things, which are usually big red flags for people to suspect cheating in the first place.

[tacokick]

I haven’t but if I did I wouldn’t be telling people I know!!

My husband and I were dating other people when we met but we realized we had a connection and immediately broke up with our partners so we could date. No cheating! No overlapping! That was 2004 so it’s been awhile lol

[fryjack2]

Oct 26, 2022 8:18:41 GMT -5 mccallister84 said:

I’m a no. I also am kind of surprised that someone who cheated on their spouse years ago and they never found out is telling other people that. If it was me I’d take it to the grave - every new person who knows only increases the likelihood of my partner finding out.

I was VERY surprised.  I also don't know the person very well so for all I know her H may actually know and just has ignored it? 

[mofongo]

No

What conversation did I miss yesterday?

Oh, I see these were not on the board!

[Pilsy]

Oct 26, 2022 9:57:55 GMT -5 mofongo said:

No

What conversation did I miss yesterday?

Oh, I see these were not on the board!

But still, I think we need more context and info, fryjack2. 


I'm a no. 

[midwestmama]

I have never cheated on DH and would not. However, when he and I met, I started having a relationship with him before I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. I knew when DH and I met that he was going to be my husband. Looking back, I should've just broken up with my boyfriend right away, but I waited a week or two so he could get through his best friend's wedding before I broke it off with him. (But then after that wedding, which I made an excuse that I had to work and couldn't go (which was plausible because it was a super busy time at work), boyfriend said he imagined us getting married. Oops. I really burst that bubble when I told him I was breaking up with him.)

[sproctopus]

We both did. I always thought cheating was a dealbreaker until faced with it.

Our child died, sex for 5+ years had been purposeful for reproduction, timed and I was depressed and infertile and uninterested. Neither of us had the life together we had imagined.

We both found out and both decided to start fresh with each other. It's not a comfortable story to tell, but sometimes I feel like I have to tell the ugly parts of things because so many people feel ashamed to say they stayed in a relationship after an affair has happened. Not that I am helping anyone (LOL), but sometimes it helps when you see your relationship/experiences reflected.

[mommin]

Oct 26, 2022 8:29:24 GMT -5 @sameoldstory said:

This actually reminds me. In my friend group of 5, 2 of them have been the "other" woman. My one friend had a relationship with her married neighbor. She's never been married herself, but still, she was in a LTR and he constantly cheated on her, I have no idea how she can justify what she did. The other friend is currently having an affair with her married ex-coworker. She has been married and her ex cheated on her as well. I just don't understand. I bring it up because they both told our friend group. Like, why would you tell anyone that?

Purely a guess on my part- I think sometimes people share things like this because they want someone else to commiserate or tell them it’s okay. They know it’s wrong but if a friend says they’ve cheated too or someone pats them on the head and says it’s okay they feel justified in their poor decision.

I’ve never cheated and I would be team “take it to my grave” but in a weird, twisted way I can see why they would share this info.

[jlt19]

I have not. He has, probably multiple times, but the one(s) I found out about were bad enough so really no point in upsetting myself further. I didn’t leave and I question a lot of that was the right decision. I know I still could but I changed a lot about our lives in the wake of it and just can’t do that to my kids or myself. Sometimes I wish he’d do it again so I could stop being so indecisive.

[Velar Fricative]

I have not. I would think there are certain situations that are much easier to take the grave than others. A double life sounds haaaaaaard to keep to the grave.

[agnes]

Cheating just seems like way too much work.

[purplinsky]

I haven't, but my XH did, a couple times that I found out about. He promised to change and our relationship improved so I stayed, but he in the long run he didn't change, he just got a lot better at hiding his cheating after being faithful for a decent amount of time. But he was pretty awful in other ways (abusive in every way) and that is ultimately why I finally left. Looking back I wish I had left when I found out about the cheating initially; I wasted years on a person who lied to me constantly and just became a better liar as time went by.

I know I can't say exactly what I would do if faced with a partner that cheats again, but I think I would leave. I lived through the cheating before and I have a much different outlook on how I feel about myself and how I'm willing to allow people to treat me.

[hermione]

Oct 26, 2022 8:21:40 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Cheating is a dealbreaker for me, so I expect the same of myself. It's also why I refuse to be financially dependent on anyone. Like, nope, I can afford the house on my own, you can go.



Also in a somewhat joking manner, but dang, I already have to carve out time for myself. I 100% do not want anything else that requires more of my time/attention. No person is worth both the cheating and the time suck (IMO).

This! Not only do I not want to cheat because I love my husband, I don't want to consider an extra person in any single decision I make, lol.

[yourmother]

I’ve never cheated on my DH, nor do I plan on it.

However, I see so much cheating in my line of work. There’s a lot of conventions and travel involved where lots of alcohol and wining/dining. It’s weird because it’s a small enough industry that you run into the same people over and over and see people go through so many scandals. Lots of gossip for inappropriate behavior. Men and women are equally egregious in these behaviors. I’ve been in this industry long enough that one of my old bosses is on his third marriage and I’m pretty sure the second and third wives started relationships prior to the end of his previous marriages.

[ohgillian]

No. I’d never do that to H. But also it sounds so exhausting. One relationship is plenty for me.

[Alex]

No, never. It has never even crossed my mind. It seems like a lot of work. Also, we are practically glued together, I would have to be highly creative.

[underwaterrhymes]

No. I honestly haven’t even been tempted.

[Patsy Baloney]

Judging by my late teens, early 20s, it is not hard to fuck people. The fucking was my “me time” 🤣 I guess if you wanted a full on relationship on the side, sure, that’s more complicated.

I haven’t cheated on my H, but he has on me. 🤷🏻‍♀️That sucked. I was shocked at how much it sucked. However, I feel like I could have easily chosen to step out, too. There are lots of babes on this planet and people who will make you feel special, people who don’t have the baggage, etc. I’ve had a few DM exchanges that I’ve deleted over the years, because I knew they weren’t on the level.

There is so much realness in sproctopus’ response. I totally appreciate the candor. Choosing to be with one another and step off together again really resonated with me - thanks for sharing.

Wild that this person just ponied up the goods about an affair that the partner doesn’t know about! Some folks have no filter - her partner absolutely knows if it’s just a nothingburger being shared to acquaintances.

[sweetchix]

I chose SS.

While going through my divorce, I hooked up with an ex a couple of times. I was still legally married, but the marriage was over, if that makes sense. So, technically cheating I suppose.

Other than that, no.