How do you fight your insecurities?

[chilerellanos]

I am smart. I have a good job that I’m good at. I’m a good mom and have close relationships with all of my children. I feel pretty comfortable in my relationships. I am pretty comfortable with my appearance.

Most of the time I cruise along and do really well, but then I just slip into a cycle where I become a people pleaser and get kind of needy.

I do think it’s when my anxiety starts to escalate, and I did start meds in November that made a really big difference. The last few weeks, I feel like I’ve started to just feel more insecure lately. And I don’t really know why. I’m quite happy with things. Maybe it was just the holidays and not really celebrating this year due to my work schedules?

I have done therapy in the past and haven’t really clicked with anybody. Last year I tried my employers EAP for my sessions and it was absolutely a joke. We got a new EAP option this year I can try.

Maybe I just need to bump my dosage a little. Or just get past the holidays and back into a routine. The weather has been super cold also. Idk.

[waverly]

chilerellanos , do you notice any triggers? I am not really a jealous person, so when I hit a trigger and from no where get jealous or mad I can instantly say OK hey that is the reason. It can be a super dumb reason like oh they are seeing this theater show, and I solve it by getting tickets. Or it can be something more long term that I am working towards like peace in my friendships.

I can't tell what your insecurity is from your post. You say get kind of needy, so do you mean that you feel like you aren't getting what you want from your relationship/ family/ friends? I've been reading something about being grateful for what people are giving you and then learning how to ask in a positive way for what you need. I thought that was a nicer approach then just secretly getting upset with the people and not saying anything. Now, I still might not say anything to friends (I always do with my spouse), but if I do decide to go there it just gives you that wording.

I pretty much never have an issue with people pleasing, so not a ton of advice there. I would say good healthy boundaries might help with that.  I sometimes feel out of balance in regards to reciprocity, so I need to take a step back and rebalance before I initiate an invitation (for example).  

[sonrisa]

Honestly, self esteem isn't something in my wheelhouse. Insecurity (if we want to call it that - sometimes it just feels like the ambient air) doesn't really matter, though. Whether I feel good or bad about myself life is still going to happen with all it's responsibilities. I need to put one foot in front of the other, deal with it, and try to do better each minute of the day. What's the alternative? Do even worse? So I guess I don't really fight it. lol.

[rosiebear]

Aw, hugs! It does sound like a mid winter, post holiday slump, but I’m glad you’re already looking into ways to lift yourself up. I can’t really recommend anything other than what you’re doing, and I hope it helps soon.

[sproctopus]

I suppose it's a combination of medicine, therapy and the idea that practice makes progress-- my practice is repeating a mantra that replaces a negative inner dialogue.

The idea for me is not to solve it or fix it, but rather be kinder to myself about the person I am and the worth I assign to myself.

[twinmomma]

My therapist recommended that I schedule myself "worry time" when I'm feeling particularly anxious and letting my thoughts get away from me. So I take 20 minutes in the evening (not right before bed, that would derail relaxation) and journal all my worries out. Let myself spiral to get it out of my system. Then when the time limit is up, I'm done and have to force myself to move on. Sometimes it really does help to just get it all out and physically write it down to clear my head.

[chilerellanos]

waverly

I think maybe December was just a difficult month. When I was in it, I think i just was like, well, this is what it is.
But I found out in November I was going to have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas, and the days leading up to it. That was disappointing.

I kinda thought I made peace with it, but maybe I didn’t and maybe seeing everybody’s celebrations got to me more than I thought. Idk.

Re: being needy. I think I just start having anxiety spirals and just like, reaching out to my friends, and family, and bf, and if I don’t get the reaction I’m seeking It makes my anxiety worse. I’m not normally like this. But when I’m anxious, I’m quite annoying.I try really hard to feel it in, but sometimes I just react insecurely.

I’ve had to set all kinds of boundaries at work this year, and the last minute holiday switch was something I didn’t have control over, and maybe that’s what did it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[goldengirlz]

What kind of therapy have you done? Have you tried CBT at all?

CBT is great for challenging unhelpful/distorted thoughts. Example: I may know I’m smart, but if someone says anything negative at work, I have a tendency to spiral and think things like, I’m so bad at this. Or My coworkers dislike me. With CBT, you’re pushed to ask yourself, Well, how do you know they dislike you? What’s the evidence for that? Are you “bad” at this or did you just have a bad week? Etc. etc.

Most people complete CBT in about 12 weeks, so while it’s good to click with someone, it’s not as essential as talk therapy, IMO.

[chilerellanos]

goldengirlz

Honestly, idk, I live in a pretty rural area where mental health is hard to get into and limited. Which is why I often end up utilization my EAP options with 🥴 results.

[gretchenindisguise]

Jan 5, 2023 13:51:45 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

waverly

I think maybe December was just a difficult month. When I was in it, I think i just was like, well, this is what it is.
But I found out in November I was going to have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas, and the days leading up to it. That was disappointing.

I kinda thought I made peace with it, but maybe I didn’t and maybe seeing everybody’s celebrations got to me more than I thought. Idk.

Re: being needy. I think I just start having anxiety spirals and just like, reaching out to my friends, and family, and bf, and if I don’t get the reaction I’m seeking It makes my anxiety worse. I’m not normally like this. But when I’m anxious, I’m quite annoying.I try really hard to feel it in, but sometimes I just react insecurely.

I’ve had to set all kinds of boundaries at work this year, and the last minute holiday switch was something I didn’t have control over, and maybe that’s what did it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

How honest are you when you reach out to your friends?

On the occasions I get wonky, I’ve started being completely open and it helps. Last year I was feeling weird about a friendship, so I wrote “hey friend. I’m having an anxious moment about our friendship. Probably just my brain playing tricks on me as it does sometimes, but are we good? Want to grab lunch?”

[tacokick]

CBT therapy might be a good idea in this case. My husband has done it twice for two different situations and it made all the difference in the world. He really was able to snap out of some of the thought loops he was in.

[waverly]

chilerellanos, I've noticed that holidays on social media are more difficult mostly because there are SO MANY holiday posts. Much more than during the regular calendar. I noticed them, but needed to move on or get off social media because, for me, it almost becomes like they are bombarding me. I'm not one that can see a ton of social media posts of one subject or by one person before it becomes "too much". And working the holidays does suck. I often work, so my co-workers can be off and there is some resentment there. I did set better boundaries this year, but last year during the Omicron surge, I covered for people every day for 6 weeks during the holidays or else we would have to close due to lack of staffing.

In terms of the neediness, I can see DH in that. He reached out to everyone he knew, and it became sort of obsessive for him. I would suggest a therapist for this, and I know you have trouble clicking with one, but keep trying.

[chilerellanos]

Jan 5, 2023 13:57:30 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

Jan 5, 2023 13:51:45 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

waverly

I think maybe December was just a difficult month. When I was in it, I think i just was like, well, this is what it is.
But I found out in November I was going to have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas, and the days leading up to it. That was disappointing.

I kinda thought I made peace with it, but maybe I didn’t and maybe seeing everybody’s celebrations got to me more than I thought. Idk.

Re: being needy. I think I just start having anxiety spirals and just like, reaching out to my friends, and family, and bf, and if I don’t get the reaction I’m seeking It makes my anxiety worse. I’m not normally like this. But when I’m anxious, I’m quite annoying.I try really hard to feel it in, but sometimes I just react insecurely.

I’ve had to set all kinds of boundaries at work this year, and the last minute holiday switch was something I didn’t have control over, and maybe that’s what did it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

How honest are you when you reach out to your friends?

On the occasions I get wonky, I’ve started being completely open and it helps. Last year I was feeling weird about a friendship, so I wrote “hey friend. I’m having an anxious moment about our friendship. Probably just my brain playing tricks on me as it does sometimes, but are we good? Want to grab lunch?”

This is probably a good point. I did open up to some of my good friends about my anxiety (and some pretty major depression a few years ago) and they were really shocked because they said I just seem like I always have it together and am always so happy.

And I’m a single mom, so just kind of try really hard to always have it together, and not seem like I need help, because I don’t really have any other option.

[chilerellanos]

Thank you all for helping me kind of think through this and your insights and suggestions.

[Saudade]

Jan 5, 2023 14:03:47 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

Thank you all for helping me kind of think through this and your insights and suggestions.

I struggled HARD when I switched to NP. I was so good as an icu nurse. I loved my job. I was good at my job. I knew how to do it and my docs trusted me. As a new NP at a different facility I didn’t know people. No one trusted me. I was learning as I went. I didn’t like my job. I had many docs who definitely didn’t like NPs just because. I strongly considered going back to bedside. So far I haven’t but I think about it daily.

Therapy has been so helpful. Both in helping me realize that it’s ok, it’s temporary, and I can always change. Nothing has to be permanent.

[chilerellanos]

Jan 5, 2023 14:12:54 GMT -5 Saudade said:

Jan 5, 2023 14:03:47 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

Thank you all for helping me kind of think through this and your insights and suggestions.

I struggled HARD when I switched to NP. I was so good as an icu nurse. I loved my job. I was good at my job. I knew how to do it and my docs trusted me. As a new NP at a different facility I didn’t know people. No one trusted me. I was learning as I went. I didn’t like my job. I had many docs who definitely didn’t like NPs just because. I strongly considered going back to bedside. So far I haven’t but I think about it daily.

Therapy has been so helpful. Both in helping me realize that it’s ok, it’s temporary, and I can always change. Nothing has to be permanent.

Good to know.

My bf really does not like my job, thinks they don’t treat me well, thinks I’ll be happier somewhere else.

I’m kinda like, well….. that’s healthcare. I’m pretty specialized. Like, I really don’t think I could do anything besides labor and delivery.

He keeps encouraging me to go back to school for my masters. But why? I cannot think of any job that requires a masters that would increase my happiness at work. I don’t want to do any more leadership that what I’m currently doing. Definitely not education.

I don’t think NP. I sometimes think midwife but the call….. oof.

And then yes, I worry about becoming so good at my bedside job and leaving for a job that I feel like an inexperienced idiot (I’m not saying you are, but that’s how I’d feel as an NP I think).

[bears]

My insecurities are driven by anxiety and I do a lot of things to help reduce the insecurity.

When I'm really struggling, I make a list every day of 3 things I did well. These accomplishments can be minor--"I didn't lose my shit on my tantruming toddler today" or "I wrote an email to my boss summing up a challenge and it was received well." It helped me build confidence with parenting and when I took on new roles at work.

I got off Facebook and Instagram. Seeing the best version of everyone's life was really destructive to my psyche. I miss some of the functions of it, but it's better for my mental health to be off of it.

My family and I take a few minutes during dinner each night to say one thing that we are thankful for. I read that doing these sort of exercises can adjust mindsets so you focus more on what you have rather than what you don't have. We've been doing this for about 2 months and I know it helps me and I like to think it's helped the kids also.

Biggest one is meds. All of my insecurities and worries are a lot less intrusive. You said you started meds in November--you may want to consider speaking with your doctor about how you've been feeling and maybe adjusting the dose or trying something new.

[Saudade]

Jan 5, 2023 14:19:47 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

Jan 5, 2023 14:12:54 GMT -5 Saudade said:

I struggled HARD when I switched to NP. I was so good as an icu nurse. I loved my job. I was good at my job. I knew how to do it and my docs trusted me. As a new NP at a different facility I didn’t know people. No one trusted me. I was learning as I went. I didn’t like my job. I had many docs who definitely didn’t like NPs just because. I strongly considered going back to bedside. So far I haven’t but I think about it daily.

Therapy has been so helpful. Both in helping me realize that it’s ok, it’s temporary, and I can always change. Nothing has to be permanent.

Good to know.

My bf really does not like my job, thinks they don’t treat me well, thinks I’ll be happier somewhere else.

I’m kinda like, well….. that’s healthcare. I’m pretty specialized. Like, I really don’t think I could do anything besides labor and delivery.

He keeps encouraging me to go back to school for my masters. But why? I cannot think of any job that requires a masters that would increase my happiness at work. I don’t want to do any more leadership that what I’m currently doing. Definitely not education.

I don’t think NP. I sometimes think midwife but the call….. oof.

And then yes, I worry about becoming so good at my bedside job and leaving for a job that I feel like an inexperienced idiot (I’m not saying you are, but that’s how I’d feel as an NP I think).

I 100% believe no one can truly understand what it is like to work in healthcare unless you work in healthcare. The way we love and hate our jobs simultaneously. How we experience something no one else does and then go about our normal lives.

You can do CNM and not have call! Don’t let that deter you. If you want to talk more about it, let me know!

[chilerellanos]

Jan 5, 2023 15:20:01 GMT -5 Saudade said:

Jan 5, 2023 14:19:47 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

Good to know.

My bf really does not like my job, thinks they don’t treat me well, thinks I’ll be happier somewhere else.

I’m kinda like, well….. that’s healthcare. I’m pretty specialized. Like, I really don’t think I could do anything besides labor and delivery.

He keeps encouraging me to go back to school for my masters. But why? I cannot think of any job that requires a masters that would increase my happiness at work. I don’t want to do any more leadership that what I’m currently doing. Definitely not education.

I don’t think NP. I sometimes think midwife but the call….. oof.

And then yes, I worry about becoming so good at my bedside job and leaving for a job that I feel like an inexperienced idiot (I’m not saying you are, but that’s how I’d feel as an NP I think).

I 100% believe no one can truly understand what it is like to work in healthcare unless you work in healthcare. The way we love and hate our jobs simultaneously. How we experience something no one else does and then go about our normal lives.

You can do CNM and not have call! Don’t let that deter you. If you want to talk more about it, let me know!

The problem is where I live, one clinic won’t hire CNM at all.

A new clinic owned by my hospital system had just recently (like since December) using CNM, but they definitely have call.

And idk really what the job opportunities look like by the time I Would graduate since the new clinic just hired two CNM. Possibly the other clinic would be super into hiring at that point if they see a sizable portion of their patients seeking midwife care but unless it affects them, they’ve been staunchly against it. And it’s a rough group to work with..:

Moving isn’t really an option.

[Saudade]

Jan 5, 2023 15:31:19 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

Jan 5, 2023 15:20:01 GMT -5 Saudade said:

I 100% believe no one can truly understand what it is like to work in healthcare unless you work in healthcare. The way we love and hate our jobs simultaneously. How we experience something no one else does and then go about our normal lives.

You can do CNM and not have call! Don’t let that deter you. If you want to talk more about it, let me know!

The problem is where I live, one clinic won’t hire CNM at all.

A new clinic owned by my hospital system had just recently (like since December) using CNM, but they definitely have call.

And idk really what the job opportunities look like by the time I Would graduate since the new clinic just hired two CNM. Possibly the other clinic would be super into hiring at that point if they see a sizable portion of their patients seeking midwife care but unless it affects them, they’ve been staunchly against it. And it’s a rough group to work with..:

Moving isn’t really an option.

Do you have a local planned parenthood? they pay so poorly but it’s amazing experience and wide scope.

Don’t let the current job opportunities deter you. When I first started there was nothing and now that I’m done the one of the local hospitals increased their CNMs and the other hospital started a midwife service because of the demand. I didn’t stay with CNM, I switched to NP. But it’s certainly growing.

[chilerellanos]

Jan 5, 2023 16:20:23 GMT -5 Saudade said:

Jan 5, 2023 15:31:19 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

The problem is where I live, one clinic won’t hire CNM at all.

A new clinic owned by my hospital system had just recently (like since December) using CNM, but they definitely have call.

And idk really what the job opportunities look like by the time I Would graduate since the new clinic just hired two CNM. Possibly the other clinic would be super into hiring at that point if they see a sizable portion of their patients seeking midwife care but unless it affects them, they’ve been staunchly against it. And it’s a rough group to work with..:

Moving isn’t really an option.

Do you have a local planned parenthood? they pay so poorly but it’s amazing experience and wide scope.

Don’t let the current job opportunities deter you. When I first started there was nothing and now that I’m done the one of the local hospitals increased their CNMs and the other hospital started a midwife service because of the demand. I didn’t stay with CNM, I switched to NP. But it’s certainly growing.

No. It’s quite limited here.

I really do enjoy the role I’m in.
Im really not sure if moving away from the bedside is what I want. I really do enjoy working alongside the patients, and I also really love mentoring the new nurses and managing the chaos day to day.

I don’t enjoy the leadership or the fact that I get moved from days to nights to days to nights and all the forced OT and I got moved to Xmas eve and Xmas a month before the holiday. Like, I know working holidays is part of the gig, but it wasn’t my holiday, and it always seems to be me by default.

[fryjack2]

chilerellanos sounds like you might like being a clinical instructor? I have a lot of nurses that lead a clinical group one day a week. Its good money, fun for them because they like teaching, and mixes it up a bit. Not everywhere requires a MA to be a clinical instructor, so you may not need a MA depending on the school.