Guests in your kitchen question

[dglvrk2]

Happy 2023! I posted this on another thread, but it may have gotten buried.
Question: is it weird that I don't like other people - besides my husband and children - cooking in my kitchen? I finally admitted this to myself last week while my mom, who was visiting from out of town, was making -delicious- cinnamon rolls in my kitchen. She asked to make them. She always asks to help with cooking at my house. I find it easier to just do things myself in the kitchen. I hate declining offers to help or participate in cooking in my kitchen, but I find I'm on edge when others are "helping." Messes and them asking for things I don't have (in my one butt kitchen) are two of the biggest triggers here. if you don't like others using your kitchen, how do you work with moms and other well meaning guests who are eager to help?

[waverly]

My issues was comments like “oh you throw wet clothes down the laundry chute? I dry them on the floor.” Which I hate things on my floor. We’ve also gotten comments like “oh my velvet cake did not rise it must be your fault because you had old baking soda.” Um, maybe? But if they wanted newer baking soda then they should have provided it. Or my mom cleans my stove while telling us how dirty we are the whole time. The repetitiveness of the comments bothers me more than her cleaning. I don’t mind if she cleans and keeps her thoughts to herself.

You can tell them you prefer them not to make anything. Or you could ask for a list of ingredients/ utensils ahead of time. If you don’t want to provide them you can ask them to bring their own specialty utensil because you don’t stock it, (and they can wash and take home). Honestly we’ve found it easier to just have DH do the cooking because he’s very particular so my family has learned to stay out of his way.

I think I mentioned my mom gifted me a body scrub. Then she went through my bathroom looking for it and complained about not finding it and my usage. I thought it was invasive follow up of a present. I forgot about it and found it again and put it out and then she commented I hadn’t used it. It was extremely judgmental of my usage of body scrub. (Yes it sounds absurd). So then come to find out the reason was she wanted to use it while visiting my house. Facepalm. But she never specified to me that the body scrub needed to be available at all times. If she had I would have put it in her guest room (and how is it a gift for me?).

Kind of assuming that things are devolving equally weird for you in regards to comments about what you have in your kitchen.

Messes don’t bother me because DH is way messier than “guest cooks”. But maybe you can ask them to clean up while they bake.

[livinitup]

I agree that it’s the annoying attitude rather than the use of my kitchen. My MIL doesn’t cook with me but flutters around saying “you’re doing too much. I gave up doing that much yeeeeaaars ago”. Not helpful. My own mother is pretty ridged, so if I give her the rare task to cook something, like the gravy, there is a lot of hand ringing and pointed questions like “WHERE is your Gravy Master” (not - “do you have any Gravy Master?” (And I DO buy it and have it because she will expect it).

Funny thing, among my parent’s friends, my dad is the only guest allowed to help friends/hosts/wives in the kitchen. He’s quite proud of that. So, I think your experience is pretty universal.

[sandandsea]

I don’t mind. My mom will help cook or whatever and is honestly a great kitchen guest. I think her mom reorganized her Tupperware cabinet enough times for her to realize it’s annoying to have comments made or things done and not do those things. So she is genuinely helpful at my house.

I stopped caring what ILs say at/about our house years ago because they are just too much and don’t have filters. And honestly, I have sooo many better things to do with my time. If they ask, I simply answer with a yep or nope and go about my day. If it baffles them that I don’t have xyz let them be baffled. Thankfully MIL has realized in the past 5 years that it’s easier to go out to eat with the ten of us (BILs +ILS + us) than it is to cook and clean.

[k3am]

It depends on the person. My sister? Heck yes, woman, get your butt in here? MIL or my mom? Sit your ass on the couch.

[dglvrk2]

Jan 8, 2023 17:50:50 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I agree that it’s the annoying attitude rather than the use of my kitchen. My MIL doesn’t cook with me but flutters around saying “you’re doing too much. I gave up doing that much yeeeeaaars ago”. Not helpful. My own mother is pretty ridged, so if I give her the rare task to cook something, like the gravy, there is a lot of hand ringing and pointed questions like “WHERE is your Gravy Master” (not - “do you have any Gravy Master?” (And I DO buy it and have it because she will expect it).

Funny thing, among my parent’s friends, my dad is the only guest allowed to help friends/hosts/wives in the kitchen. He’s quite proud of that. So, I think your experience is pretty universal.

What is a Gravy Master???

Much of my anxiety stems from comments my mom made when visiting the apartment I lived in right out of college and then my and H's home of 13+ years in a big city with a HCOL. Both were built in the 1930's. Fixtures were old and, no matter how much I cleaned, things never looked spotless. These places were small enough I could barely fit necessities, let alone extra gadgets, in most rooms. I was broke throughout my 20's too and I've never been prone to buying extras because of this experience.

Throughput my 20's and early 30's these circumstances generated a lot of comments from my mom. (How can you live in such a small place? It's dumpy. Is it safe? I can clean it! Do you know how to slice potatoes? You're not adding XYZ to that dish?) She was also going through a mid-life crises of her own during these years. Not seeing me live a life in Barbie's Dream House didn't sit well, I think.

So now, I have boundaries about cooking and cleaning in my house.

She's also become more conscientious and respectful over the years. H and I have a decent size home with a recently remodeled (and nice!!) living room and kitchen, leaving little room for comments about dinginess. She knows I'm a minimalist and now doesn't seem surprised that I'm doing just fine without rice cookers, spice grinders or anything from Sky Mall. Furthermore, I married a good cook and he's taught me well. Hence, everyone be eats well here.
I think I instinctually set my cooking and cleaning boundaries to avoid the hurtful and frustrating comments from the past more than restricting her or anyone else's use of my things.

May be if I frequently remind myself she's changed for the better I can loosen up. And perhaps if I had a bigger kitchen, sharing would be easier in general!

[livinitup]

Jan 9, 2023 1:46:28 GMT -5 dglvrk2 said:

Jan 8, 2023 17:50:50 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I agree that it’s the annoying attitude rather than the use of my kitchen. My MIL doesn’t cook with me but flutters around saying “you’re doing too much. I gave up doing that much yeeeeaaars ago”. Not helpful. My own mother is pretty ridged, so if I give her the rare task to cook something, like the gravy, there is a lot of hand ringing and pointed questions like “WHERE is your Gravy Master” (not - “do you have any Gravy Master?” (And I DO buy it and have it because she will expect it).

Funny thing, among my parent’s friends, my dad is the only guest allowed to help friends/hosts/wives in the kitchen. He’s quite proud of that. So, I think your experience is pretty universal.

What is a Gravy Master???

![/quote

Oh, don’t even ask, you don’t need to know! I think it’s Carmel coloring?? It was actually recalled in the ‘80s (because harmful? Poison?) and my mother freaked out without it and now hoards it JIC.My mother makes lovely gravies from scratch/pan juices and loves it because it adds color to light or blond gravies (like poultry). Because all gravies should be a deep brown???

As for the rest, yes, I agree. As my confidence in the kitchen (and home) has grown, so has my attitude about other people’s opinions. Those snarky comments are a YOU problem, not a defect of mine to improve or solve. Go sit down and read the newspaper, I’ve got this TYVM.

[rere]

Neither set of our parents can be bothered to participate enough in our lives that they would ever have occasion to cook in my kitchen. If my mom stops by and I am cooking, she will always raste to to ensure her way is better.

[dglvrk2]

Jan 9, 2023 9:07:36 GMT -5 rere said:

Neither set of our parents can be bothered to participate enough in our lives that they would ever have occasion to cook in my kitchen. If my mom stops by and I am cooking, she will always raste to to ensure her way is better.

Oh fun times!
I really hope I don't put my own kids our their spouses on edge. Someone please slap me if I do this.....

[ECB]

I don't have this problem! But.... if I think about it, unless the person KNOWS my kitchen and what I have and where things are, yes, I can see how it would be annoying. SOmeone else cooking, to me, means I get a break. But if it's in my kitchen and they dont' know where things are, then I'm not getting a break.

[waverly]

Jan 9, 2023 9:38:04 GMT -5 ECB said:

I don't have this problem! But.... if I think about it, unless the person KNOWS my kitchen and what I have and where things are, yes, I can see how it would be annoying. SOmeone else cooking, to me, means I get a break. But if it's in my kitchen and they dont' know where things are, then I'm not getting a break.

If my sister and my mom help then in addition to comments, I get the what should I do?, where is this?, what are we doing?, endless questions.  Not a break. 

I need you to figure out some things on your own people or get out.  

[dglvrk2]

Jan 9, 2023 10:52:38 GMT -5 waverly said:

Jan 9, 2023 9:38:04 GMT -5 ECB said:

I don't have this problem! But.... if I think about it, unless the person KNOWS my kitchen and what I have and where things are, yes, I can see how it would be annoying. SOmeone else cooking, to me, means I get a break. But if it's in my kitchen and they dont' know where things are, then I'm not getting a break.

If my sister and my mom help then in addition to comments, I get the what should I do?, where is this?, what are we doing?, endless questions.  Not a break. 

I need you to figure out some things on your own people or get out.  

Yes!

[erbear]

Literally could not care less as long as they clean up 😂. My kids cook. My husband cooks. My sister wife sometimes even cooks at my house. I do not care.

Only my mom asks where stuff is so I tell her to ask the kids

[sdlaura]

I have the opposite problem where I somehow gave MIL the impression that she couldn’t touch anything in my kitchen, even to clean up after herself. Maybe I was funny about my kitchen pre-4 kids, but I would be happy to have any help I can get now but don’t want to call her out on it. She’s not inherently unhelpful so I think it must be a misunderstanding. She only comes to visit once every couple years, or I would have brought it up by now.

[katiecj6]

I don't care at all about guests cooking.

I actually prefer to clean the kitchen myself. It's faster, more efficient and I know where things go.

Both my mother and MIL just get in there

[mommyatty]

I’m a little prissy about people cooking in my kitchen. And I don’t know why. I love cooking with my BFF. She can be in there, digging around, as much as she wants. Everyone else? Stay the heck out. It feels like someone digging through my dresser drawers. Just don’t do it.

[twinmomma]

I don't cook. So if someone else is in my kitchen, have at it! I don't even care if you clean up after yourself, I'll handle that as long as someone else deals with actually making the food.

Of course, now beau is the king of our kitchen and he doesn't allow anyone in there with him except his sisters. When the three of them are in action, it's impressive because they revert back to their restaurant/food truck days. I'm basically banished forever from my own kitchen and I'm fine with it.

[polecat8]

Everyone loves cooking in my kitchen because there is so much room and counter space. I will happily let DH, my family or FIL cook in there because it means that I don't have to. My mom's grandmother always insisted on a clean kitchen in a particular way and my mom will scrub my kitchen when she is done with it. (My mom's love language is deep cleaning everything - she did it for me when my kids were babies). If my family is cooking, they know to clean up after themselves the right way. DH and his family are not so great and will leave crumbs and spilled messes on the counters. So to calm my irritation, I do the dishes and clean the counters and stovetop when they cook.

[librarychica]

I don’t mind people in my kitchen at all. We have an older house and our kitchen is fairly large and is its own room so if no one came in there while I was cooking I wouldn’t see anyone for the first half of the evening when we entertain. People wander in and out, my mom or best friend (who doesn’t cook) and/or her husband (who does) will pop in, stay and visit. Over Christmas my dad hung out in there sharing some whisky because the rest of the family was being extra loud.

Now they don’t generally cook in there with me. If someone is bringing a dish they usually bring it ready made. A few times I’ve stuck someone on chopping duty, usually my younger brother. Or H but it’s also his kitchen.

If my guests were going on about what I stocked said kitchen with or how I keep the cupboards or whatever I wouldn’t want them in my house, let alone my favorite room. That’s just rude.

[186momx]

I very seldom have people over to my house (thanks DH) so I don't have this problem. My kitchen is also very small (think long and narrow) so it makes it hard to have a lot of people in it. DD and I cook together a lot but we also know where everything is.

I take over my girlfriends kitchen when we visit. I think it started when DD was small and I would start dinner or whatever because DD was hungry and needed to eat. Her and her H always like it because the magic dishwasher fairy comes, and we normally bake brownies or something so the baking fairy comes to visit. I probably know her kitchen as well as my own.

My mom keeps wanting me to help cook at holiday and family dinners but then gets upset because I don't do things exactly like how she does. I put seasonings on the turkey at Christmas and put the stuffing in the bird with my hands and not a spoon. I get very annoyed and wish I could be like my non cooking sibs and disappear during dinner prep.

[mommyatty]

librarychica- I love people to be in the kitchen with me. I just don’t want them cooking with me. Lol!