s/o physical and emotional attraction

[achase123]

pdx's date story got me thinking about this. I was also having a conversation with my friend at work this morning about how difficult it is to find a physical AND emotional connection with someone.

Case in point; my date last night. He was so good looking and there was definitely physical chemistry, but as I rehash the night I really feel like there was not enough of an emotional connection to go out again.

I think about one of my guy friends who I have a great emotional connection with. We went to lunch today and I just laughed my ass off the whole time. But I've never been physically attracted to him.

It just feels like it's hard to find both. Usually one or the other (or both) is lacking. I guess when you finally do meet that right person there will be both and it will seem like everything falls into place. Just something I was thinking about. Anyone else want to chime in here?

[wrathofkuus]

I don't recall this combo being especially hard to find - I think I've actually met fewer people in my life that I wanted to fuck but wasn't emotionally attracted to - but then, I haven't been on the lookout for this since college. I've often wondered if anyone would meet my standards emotionally, if I were single now. Probably not. I swear, youthful hormones and the low standards of inexperience are probably responsible for most couples, even the happy ones.

[lookingup]

I understand what you're saying, achase. I know both types of guys that you're talking about. The guy I went out with last night seems to be a good mix of both (and it's mutual), so we are just seeing where it goes.

[achase123]

Sept 25, 2012 16:00:19 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I don't recall this combo being especially hard to find - I think I've actually met fewer people in my life that I wanted to fuck but wasn't emotionally attracted to - but then, I haven't been on the lookout for this since college. I've often wondered if anyone would meet my standards emotionally, if I were single now. Probably not. I swear, youthful hormones and the low standards of inexperience are probably responsible for most couples, even the happy ones.

I so agree with you there. Sometimes I think about my criteria when I was dating in college: I be attracted to them, they have a penis and...well, yah, that was pretty much it.

I do often wonder about couples who got married young or have been for a long time. I wonder how many of them would have picked that same person, had they met ten years later. It's interesting to ponder.

[Deleted]

I think it IS really hard. I also think once you've been through a divorce or long-term relationship you realize often times that one of them was lacking, but the intensity of the other jaded you for a while. Having been through that I'm hyper aware of finding someone I'm sexually attracted too. That being said I have found two men who I felt an awesome physical and emotional connection with since I started dating.

[doriswe]

Sometimes I think Hollywood has jaded us all....you know, you meet, there are instant sparks and kablam-o, everyone lives happily ever after. I do think there will be people who are attractive to you in both ways, but maybe it starts off as one and you later find yourself attractive in the other, if that makes sense.

[wrathofkuus]

I am happily married, and am glad that I chose my husband, but I too wonder what I'd think of him if I just met him now, as a single woman. Would he be a guy I wanted to have sex with but didn't meet my standards? Would I think of his personality traits as dealbreaker flaws if I didn't already know him, rather than endearing and amusing personality quirks? I have no idea.

[udscoobychick]

I agree that they can feed into each other, too. I've known a few guys who I would initally have been "meh" about on a physical level, but I connected with them so well on other levels that they became more attractive to me. And vice versa--good-looking guys who are jerks rapidly lose their appeal to me.

[emma245]

Im convinced its impossible to find both but thats what Im working on in therapy. EXH I was very physically attracted to and emotionally connected (even albeit in a bad way). I didnt feel strongly on both physical and emotional attraction with EXBF.

Now Im looking for both which my therapist claims exists............Im trying to stay optimistic ala Charlotte York style

[wrathofkuus]

Well hell, emma, there are two billion men in the world. At least have fun sampling them all before deciding that what you want doesn't exist.

[heavenly]

Well the guy that I have a crush on... I can see myself being both physically and emotionally attracted to him. While I don't know if we can work out together in the future, this gives me hope that there will be others out there.

But as a side note, I am re-learning emotional intimacy with my therapist right now and this is bringing me more hope.

[usedtobebear]

I see this issue in my future for sure, I also think after being married for so long I will be very picky and for the most part I'll be shocked if I find someone that is a good match for me. I admit that I care too much about looks and body types and I need to get over this. My stbx was very attractive but lacked so many things that I needed, I think being married to a 'hot guy' helped my self esteem in unhealthy ways. I recognize this is not good and I'm definitely discussing this in my weekly therapy sessions.

I could go on but I'll stop now, lol.

[achase123]

Sept 25, 2012 18:19:27 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

I see this issue in my future for sure, I also think after being married for so long I will be very picky and for the most part I'll be shocked if I find someone that is a good match for me. I admit that I care too much about looks and body types and I need to get over this. My stbx was very attractive but lacked so many things that I needed, I think being married to a 'hot guy' helped my self esteem in unhealthy ways. I recognize this is not good and I'm definitely discussing this in my weekly therapy sessions.

I could go on but I'll stop now, lol.

Ugh, I agree with that. XH is/was VERY good looking. But boy did he know it. I'd rather have someone who was more average looking but I had a better emotional connection with. I was always paranoid women were checking him out, stupid low self esteem issues. Reality was he was probably scheming on them!

[Deleted]

Sept 25, 2012 18:20:48 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Sept 25, 2012 18:19:27 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

I see this issue in my future for sure, I also think after being married for so long I will be very picky and for the most part I'll be shocked if I find someone that is a good match for me. I admit that I care too much about looks and body types and I need to get over this. My stbx was very attractive but lacked so many things that I needed, I think being married to a 'hot guy' helped my self esteem in unhealthy ways. I recognize this is not good and I'm definitely discussing this in my weekly therapy sessions.

I could go on but I'll stop now, lol.

Ugh, I agree with that. XH is/was VERY good looking. But boy did he know it. I'd rather have someone who was more average looking but I had a better emotional connection with. I was always paranoid women were checking him out, stupid low self esteem issues. Reality was he was probably scheming on them![/quote]
I'm in the same exact boat.

[aerochyck]

Sept 25, 2012 16:46:59 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

My guy friend joked with me yesterday that he's an awesome conversationalist because it's never been the hottest guy in the bar. Good looking guys, as he claims, never had to try to get girls, whereas he did. I laughed and although he has a bit of a point, I know it's not so cut and dry.

This is exactly what I hear from a lot of the guys I work with and I agree. However, I have been pleasantly surprised on occasion.

[sparkles17]

I do agree that it can be hard to find both in one person. I've dated plenty of good looking men and most of them lacked that "substance" that I was looking for. When I met SO, I was kind of expecting the same. The first time I saw him (we met online) I thought, "damn, he's hot, may as well enjoy this while it lasts". Turns out, I couldn't have been more wrong about him, and the emotional connection that I have with him just makes the physical connection that much stronger. I think it helps, that unlike good looking guys that I have met in the past, SO has no idea that he's good looking LOL

[Deleted]

I think emotional connections can/should be built as you get to know someone.

[starburst604]

Of course it's hard to find both in one person, otherwise people would simply move from one relationship one day into another the next day and never be single. Well, some people do but I always side eye them because I don't buy for a second that they are fulfilled in these relationships, they just can't be alone.

It was so frustrating to me when I was single for 3 years and people would say things like "But you're so pretty! smart! fun! etc etc, how are you still single?". Being these things doesn't guarantee that I'm going to meet my match any easier than anyone else. Others would suggest that I was too picky, but I knew it wasn't that. I just hadn't met anyone that was the total package for me. I knew what I needed and when I found it, I knew it without question from pretty much the get go. Really, I just wanted a male version of myself!

Although, I do think after one date if you are physically attracted, a deeper emotional/intellectual connection could grow later. It's hard to scratch much more than the surface of someone after just one date. For me, it's physical attraction that I can't force no matter how hard I try. But I know this guy isn't really geographically realistic for you Achase so I get why you won't go out of your way to see him again.

[wrathofkuus]

I wonder how handsome the guys I've dated are. I know what I thought of their looks, but personal taste isn't the same as average universal appeal.

[starburst604]

Sept 26, 2012 9:05:36 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I wonder how handsome the guys I've dated are. I know what I thought of their looks, but personal taste isn't the same as average universal appeal.

I've been told I "date down" as far as looks go. I don't give a flying fig what anyone else thinks though.