Post by Jalapeñomel on Apr 13, 2023 12:40:12 GMT -5
Do most partners have similar disciplining styles? Do you ever discipline your child and then not clue in the other parent?
My son was playing games on his Kindle last night, and when I asked him about it, he lied. Well I did catch him, told him that the lying was worse then the actual game playing, and that he would lose his electronics for a week. Anyway, he said not to tell dad, because dad gets big mad and I only get little mad. My husband was out with friends, so I didn’t tell him last night.
So, in general, I am much more calm and probably a pushover, moreso than my husband. I ended up telling my husband this morning about what happened, instead of last night, and that was that...he just supported my punishment and we all moved on.
But that did get me to thinking...do you ever punish your child and then not tell the other parent (for whatever reason)? Do you both work together to lay down the law or is it ok for one of you to do the punishment? Does one of you punish more severely than the other?
H and I differ but we always fill the other in on what is going on and stand by what the other has done. H is more of a pushover than I am & he admits it, he views more things as "Not a big deal" than I do.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Apr 13, 2023 12:51:16 GMT -5
Somewhat blended family here ...
J punishes his kid, I punish mine. The kids are night and day so what works for one punishment wise will NOT work for the other.
That said, we are on the same page with what works for each kid. I give him a heads up with certain things regarding expectations so when I do something, he knows its coming. We went up to Tahoe last July and before we even left, he and I had a quick convo regarding the expectations for Miss R. I told him we have include her with everything but if she doesn't want to participate that's on her and we go w/ or w/o her. She's old enough (13) to be left alone in the condo. Was he thrilled w/ that? No. Did it prevent alot of the attitude that plagued our Hawaii trip? Yes. The Tahoe trip ended up being more enjoyable than Hawaii bc from the onset he, her, and I were all on the same page when it came to expectations.
My daughter is now 20, but I was definitely the disciplinarian. My husband was “fun dad.” He never undermined me, but he also didn’t initiate discipline unless it was something really egregious. If there was something serious I would talk about it with him ahead of time and ask him to actively back me up (which he would), but really, it was just hard for him to actively correct anything or enforce all but the most serious rules. He’s always been a much more hands-off parent that I am in general (which can be both good and bad).
ETA In the case of something serious, like lying, I would have definitely talked to him about it and made sure we were completely united on consequences.
I do normally tell DH. We do have differing views a lot of times, but work towards getting them more aligned. For the Kindle I would have told him so he could watch out for that behavior.
Now, if it were something really minor and we already took care of it, maybe I wouldn't think it even raised to the level of discipline or needing to share. Like if they were sassy, I wouldn't always mention a one off sassy comment because I was picking my battles/ let it slide one time or something like that.
I imagine there might be some teen situations where the teen asks me not to share, and I make a decision either way. But I haven't encountered that yet, and my MO is basically to tell DH most everything because that's just who I am in our relationship.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Apr 13, 2023 12:55:26 GMT -5
Hmmm, I don’t know that I’ve ever been in a situation where a kid was long-term punished and the other parent wasn’t around.
I will say, my H and I are similar in style, but I have a hotter temper issue, and he has a “just won’t drop it” lecture issue. So, we both agree to step in on the other when those issues surface.
I am probably the one who would be more likely to punish more severely than the other.
I never disciplined SDs because the dynamic was a mess and eventually when DS was born I said I was kinda done arguing about the girls and I'm just going to make sure their needs are met and completely stay out of parenting decisions. DS was a handful from the beginning and I just didn't have the space to argue about the girls anymore.
It's annoying because he was SO easy on the girls but he gets on DS about stuff constantly so I prefer to handle DS on my own. I often tell him what happened and that I dealt with it so please leave it alone so DS doesn't get lectured twice about the same thing. I'm more likely to yell, but for some reason DS associates H with yelling which makes no sense, he rarely yells.
I would tell H in your circumstance, yes. I would be fine punishing on my own, then fill H in later. I know H would be like...."cool, yeah he can't be doing that." I mean, we're pretty aligned. We agree no spanking/hitting, no yelling (I mean..ya know), approach situations calmly, etc. David runs anxious and puts an immense amount of pressure on himself, so I feel like we need to really watch our behavior in these situations because he is so hard on himself.
I feel I'm more emotionally attuned to David. He and H have their own special relationship, but me and David go deeper on issues regarding love life, relationships, school pressure, etc. Probably because I spend more time with him so, no, I don't run every single thing by him, but he gets the highlights. This is not a brag, I swear, but I can't remember the last time David was punished. He is a rule follower and extremely well behaved, almost to a fault. He literally just sent me a text telling me he wanted to let me know he couldn't eat his apple at lunch because it was mushy..... so.. Yes, he's in therapy.
You took away electronics for a week... I'm assuming YH needs to be part of the enforcement? So he would need to know, right?
For important stuff, especially if the punishment is severe enough, I let DH know. If it's a smaller issue and resolved before I see DH, I may not always bring it up. If it's a smaller issue that's part of a bigger problem, I generally will bring it up, since I think DH deserves to know about it and get an equal say in how we handle it.
And generally if a kid suggests not telling DH, I'm telling DH. But in general, the person present for the disciplining is the one who decides what it is.. One of us wouldn't come in after the fact and tell them the other parent wasn't strict enough, we support what the parent did, and occasionally will question it behind closed doors. Occasionally I'm so mad that they know their punishment will be determined after DH and I have talked. Which may or may not work out in their favor.
I generally don't report on every little thing that happens with the kids, including discipline. If something concerning happens, or if I see a pattern of behavior we want to address, I might raise that. But generally DH doesn't know the details of how I spend time with the kids. It's not a strategy as much as a reality.
I would tell H in your circumstance, yes. I would be fine punishing on my own, then fill H in later. I know H would be like...."cool, yeah he can't be doing that." I mean, we're pretty aligned. We agree no spanking/hitting, no yelling (I mean..ya know), approach situations calmly, etc. David runs anxious and puts an immense amount of pressure on himself, so I feel like we need to really watch our behavior in these situations because he is so hard on himself.
I feel I'm more emotionally attuned to David. He and H have their own special relationship, but me and David go deeper on issues regarding love life, relationships, school pressure, etc. Probably because I spend more time with him so, no, I don't run every single thing by him, but he gets the highlights. This is not a brag, I swear, but I can't remember the last time David was punished. He is a rule follower and extremely well behaved, almost to a fault. He literally just sent me a text telling me he wanted to let me know he couldn't eat his apple at lunch because it was mushy..... so.. Yes, he's in therapy.
This is how i think of my relationship with my son as well, and i think that’s why i’m viewed more as the pushover.
But i think of myself just as someone who calmly thinks about things and works to find a resolution, and i think that has to do with the fact that i deal with teenage behavior all.day.long, and i know yelling and/or anger gets no where.
But it could also be that i’m just tired by the end of the day!
also, in case it wasn’t clear, i did tell my husband this morning.
(also i don’t know why my phone won’t capitalize things!)
Interesting question! I confess to holding info back from my H for a couple of reasons. First, I handled all discipline. More importantly, and sadly, H didn’t develop the greatest relationship with my children and to be honest I didn’t want to give him more “negative” information about them.
Neither child really got “in trouble”, anyway. Their issues had to do with arguments with each other, obnoxious attitude (developmentally appropriate in retrospect but super irritating at the time), and underperformance at school.
I think we have similar styles. We're very lucky that attitude seems to be the biggest issue we face every day.
Most recently, my kid tattled on herself. We told her that we appreciated her tattling and that there would be some consequences, but not like if we found out w/o her telling.
If either of us has an issue, we'll tell the other. I want to present a united front because growing up my sister would play parents against each other based on who she knew would let her do stuff.
Well, I’m home with the kids 75% of the time, so I’m disciplining them all day long and definitely not telling my husband every little thing. But something big like that, he would need to know to help enforce so I’d definitely mention it. My kids are little still, though, so longer term punishments like that are rare.
My husband does tend to lose his patience and he can come down more harshly than I do. We talk through these things a lot.
I would tell H in your circumstance, yes. I would be fine punishing on my own, then fill H in later. I know H would be like...."cool, yeah he can't be doing that." I mean, we're pretty aligned. We agree no spanking/hitting, no yelling (I mean..ya know), approach situations calmly, etc. David runs anxious and puts an immense amount of pressure on himself, so I feel like we need to really watch our behavior in these situations because he is so hard on himself.
I feel I'm more emotionally attuned to David. He and H have their own special relationship, but me and David go deeper on issues regarding love life, relationships, school pressure, etc. Probably because I spend more time with him so, no, I don't run every single thing by him, but he gets the highlights. This is not a brag, I swear, but I can't remember the last time David was punished. He is a rule follower and extremely well behaved, almost to a fault. He literally just sent me a text telling me he wanted to let me know he couldn't eat his apple at lunch because it was mushy..... so.. Yes, he's in therapy.
This is how i think of my relationship with my son as well, and i think that’s why i’m viewed more as the pushover.
But i think of myself just as someone who calmly thinks about things and works to find a resolution, and i think that has to do with the fact that i deal with teenage behavior all.day.long, and i know yelling and/or anger gets no where.
Yeah, some would call me a pushover for sure. I don't see it like that. I think listening and respecting your kids thoughts/feelings/opinions makes some think you're "soft". Which, okay? I am soft. I'm the adult and he's a teenager navigating this crazy world with all of these hormones and emotions everywhere that he doesn't understand or know what to do with. And I'd say we're going to probably have better relationships with our kids when they're out of the house compared to the parents raising their kids as hard asses.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Apr 13, 2023 14:54:04 GMT -5
There’s a huge difference between being a pushover and approaching parenting in a respectful, calm manner. I admire people who can do that, because I am always heated.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Apr 13, 2023 14:56:49 GMT -5
Um, is it bad that my 1st thought was, my dh or I only tell each other that we've disciplined the kids if the discipline is so on-going that the other parent will have to partake in enforcing it (so need to know about it to do so) because our kids need disciplined SO MUCH that by this point we are on the same page and it'd be tedious to tell each other every single time we have to discipline them when the other isn't around?
If one kid does something way beyond their normal misbehavior then yeah we'd let each other know, but for the normal every day stuff, if one of us isn't around to witness it, we don't feel the need to go out of our way to tell each other about it at this point.
Also, I think it's fine for major stuff to pick your time for when to share it. If it's a time that someone is going to get upset and it would ruin something that is supposed to be a fun family time, I might wait to share about it, but yeah, for the big stuff, we do share it.
We're fairly even on logical consequences. We always fill each other in on if one of the kids is punished for something, always. The not-present parent will usually not bring it up again, though, except in terms of enforcing the punishments. So if she gets in trouble with me for something she's not going to get a lecture from H, but he'll know about it in case she does it again or he needs to enforce the consequence. With him gone for work so much, it's very common for me to be the disciplinarian wihtout him home. Big Kid is very much a rule follower so if she's in trouble it's usually really minor and not repeated. Little Kid will be a troublemaker as she grows. So far we both do a really good job of not loosing our tempers, but I have a feeling that's going to be challenged as Little Kid grows up. I DO try very hard to not lay down a consequence/punishment before I'm calm and have thought about it. Big Kid and I also have a code word that she can use if she wants to talk/confess without judgement, though she also knows it's not a blank check to get out of a punishment. The promise is that I'll think before reacting, and she'll only be in trouble if it's something that I feel strongly about.
There’s a huge difference between being a pushover and approaching parenting in a respectful, calm manner..
i totally agree.
my son is a really good kid, and he normally makes really good decisions. but like any child, sometimes crap ones. i’m always taken off guard, because it’s really out of character for him.
We don't always agree. More often, H is the strict one, but for some things it is flipped.
We do try to keep each other aware, though, and for recurring or big issues, try to get on the same page so we can present a united front even if we don't both totally agree. And yes, if my kids asked me not to tell H about something, I would probably be MORE likely to mention it.
There’s a huge difference between being a pushover and approaching parenting in a respectful, calm manner. I admire people who can do that, because I am always heated.
This! My DD is in MS and so many moms talk about being “gentle” when really they are being pushovers. Pre-teens need a lot of guidance. We respectfully provide boundaries. We leave room for discussion. But I’m not letting my 12 year old tell us what our technology policy is going to be because “everyone else can use technology whenever they want” (for example).
I occasionally discipline and don’t tell H but it’s for the minor in the moment things. We haven’t had too many moments in which we need to actually dole out punishment.