Let me first clarify that we have a lot to work on. We bicker too much, and we are both major introverts so we often go our own ways after the kids are in bed, meaning we don’t have enough 1:1 time.
BUT I appreciate that his more relaxed approach to life encourages me to be less anxious. I am often too practical with money, and the bigger trips he’s encouraged us to take have been the best things we’ve ever done, and he really respects me and is very complimentary, often telling me I have the biggest heart, am so thoughtful, and that he looks up to me to how a leader at work should be and how parents can excel at both the office and with their kids. He gave up a ton for us to work. We met online as friends as late teens/early 20s and met in person for fun when I was on a trip by him. We wanted to date, but I knew I had no interest in moving and told him that if it was going to move forward, it was all on him. Without hesitation, he applied to my area for law school and moved six months later. He doesn’t like it here much, but we’re still here because he knows it’s so important to me. He also went from being an independent to being a hardcore democrat after meeting me, so I appreciate his political views! He is generous (a good tipper is important to me!) and has dad jokes for days.
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Jul 10, 2023 20:39:29 GMT -5
This is a good exercise for me, because I was about to choke that bastard today. lol
He is kind, loyal, forgiving, and hilarious. He is happy with a simple life — he genuinely can’t believe we have it this good (I am always restless).
We’ve made changes for each other. He was the driving force in two major improvements in my life: my ADHD diagnosis and treatment, and leaving the Catholic church. He supported me through years of a very stressful job and now has begged me to prioritize taking care of myself and choosing a less stressful one, even if it means a pay cut. He’s also made significant changes in caring for himself so he can be better for me and for the kids: losing almost 40 lbs, quitting smoking, starting therapy, changing parts of his career to be home more, moving to the suburbs (lol).
The other night, he left the house to go grocery shopping and was annoyed at me. We squabbled at one thing or another; I can’t even remember it now. He was STILL annoyed at me when he got back, but he got my favorite beer and my favorite chocolate chip cookies anyway, and I hadn’t asked for either.
He drives me crazy. I mean, truly crazy. We’ll be in separate wings of the nursing home and I’m dead ass serious about that. But he is a fundamentally good person and I can’t imagine life without him.
Him: He is my main hype man and he’s very proud of me. His love language is acts of service and he does so many things, big and small, that keep our home humming along. He has very strong coffee waiting for me when I come down every morning. He feels terrible if he hurts my feelings and will go a long way to make it up. He forgives (except my ex husband - he fucking HATES that guy).
Me: I’m good for him in that I’m his biggest hype gal. I let him know how lucky I feel. My love languages are loving words and touch, and I let him know often how much I love him. I push him ever so slightly out of comfort zone and he’s experienced so many new things thanks yo my influence.
My husband rises to meet me and I rise to meet him. I feel like over time we have stitched ourselves together in a way that respects each other and values what the other person has to say.
I actually lamented that they don’t write books about the mellowing and deepening of relationships between people. It’s always the “fall in love” moment that is viewed as dramatic but, looking back, the way we both checked our flaws and worked together to be better for each other is a far more beautiful story.
Post by goldengirlz on Jul 10, 2023 21:58:08 GMT -5
In terms of attributes, I’d say he’s the biggest feminist I know. My husband is an actual partner. A lot of posters here talk about carrying the mental load — I don’t, or least not more than my fair share. If our kid is invited to a birthday party, or it’s Valentine’s Day at school, he just takes care of the gift or snacks without me needing to make a note of it or even be involved at all. He knows our kid’s activity schedule, when their assignments are due, what they’re working on in therapy. He’s just in it with me, without me having to ask or remind.
And he dotes on me. He cooks all my meals, remembers every birthday and anniversary and makes them special. He was my rock during my mental health crisis and went to therapy with me to learn how to deal with me (it wasn’t easy). He’s kind to his own family, and he dotes on my mom (especially since my dad died); like he helps her cook all the holiday meals (even when I’m hiding upstairs because she’s driving me crazy — he taps me out and taps himself in). He’s just good.
Honestly, sometimes I’m not sure what I bring to the table. I’m really funny? Actually, in all seriousness, we’ve had some dark days together, and he once told me, “These are the worst days of our lives — and we’re laughing.” We just … click.
I definitely feel like I married up with my H. He’s super hot, funny, smart, kind, loyal, generous, sees the best in everyone, and has a strong moral compass. I also just really love being with him, we’re best friends and a great match. We’ve been together for almost 20 years and I still look forward to him coming home everyday, often with butterflies. We have really great, pretty frequent sex and I think our sex drives are similar. I have always felt like his number one, he said he knew the moment we met that we would get married and he shows that same attitude/energy constantly. He is always on my team and has supported me through tough family stuff, and set boundaries with his own family when needed.
For me, in addition to all the things about us just being a good match, I try to do things to show I love him and am thinking of him (get his favorite treat at the store, randomly do “his” chores, send dirty texts, etc), cheer him on in his career and whatever his current hobby is. I am the driver of 95% of our travel and traditions, keep our household running smoothly, and try to balance my own desire for experiences with his desire for stuff, lol.
Everything ok? You’ve posted a few things that seem to lean toward some stuff not working well.
No, I'm really not. But I'm trying to think through things from multiple angles and some of this requires me to think about myself in the relationship too and what I bring. It's helpful to read the responses and connect with the things I do have vs. the ones I don't.
Post by sofamonkey on Jul 10, 2023 23:43:04 GMT -5
I’m sorry things aren’t good for you right now. I know having littler kids makes things tough too, pushing both halves to not always be their best selves as much as they’d like to be. I hope that you and your H can find your new good place. I say new because it really is an ever evolving thing. Which is good, IMHO, because I’m not the same person I was when we first met 17 years ago, and while I do miss some aspects, I’m really grateful that my relationship has evolved as well.
I find my husband interesting and smart and like hanging out with him. I’m glad I stuck around while he matured and grew into a better partner over time. We just traveled with our 4 kids 10 and under for 9 days and had a really fun time together. Some of those early littler kid years when he wasn’t as mature yet were really hard.
Post by midwestmama on Jul 11, 2023 1:47:59 GMT -5
He loves me for who I am. He is my best friend and the person I want to spend time with the most. (Going to mostly WFH was fantastic, because we got to spend more time together.) He tells me I'm pretty and sexy, and genuinely means it, even if I don't feel it myself. He shares the load of chores and taking kids to their activities without complaining. He helps balance me when I get stressed.
My partner and I drive each other equally insane, but he has been my rock these past few years. He is a doer, and is happiest when he’s useful. He is constantly fixing things, mowing things, cleaning things. He’s not great with words or romance, but he’s always doing little things to show me he cares, like making sure my phone is charged (I sure as shit don’t), bringing me snacks, etc.
He also lost a partner very suddenly about 20 years ago, and he worked with my husband, so he understands a lot of what I’ve gone through and am still working through. He’s patient with my emotions and is incredibly forgiving. He’s calm when things are crazy and is good at helping me chill.
He never imagined himself having children, but has really stepped up for my kid and truly loves him. If he sees me getting overstimulated or overwhelmed, he steps in. He understands the need for alone time but also the need to be together and is perfectly content sitting in the same room doing separate things.
And I guess for me, I’m super affectionate. I make sure he always know how much I love and appreciate him. When I fuck up, I do my best to think things through and apologize. He’s told me a few times that I’m the first partner he’s had that he feels truly himself around. We’re always joking and laughing with each other.
Post by mrsukyankee on Jul 11, 2023 5:26:08 GMT -5
Mine wants to communicate about hard topics. He's very supportive of my hopes and dreams, and works to make sure that I can follow them. He's happy with me going on girls' trips despite our slightly difficult dog (so he has to make sure to take more care and work from home more often). He cooks my favourite meals when I'm having a bad day. I love talking to him and hanging out with him - we make each other laugh and allow each other to be who we are. He knows more about me than any other human out there.
He is NOT perfect and drives me mental sometimes. We had to work at our relationship often. Still wouldn't give him up.
We've grown up together (got together when we were 21 and now we're 40) so trying to answer this question is like trying to answer what I like about myself. He's just...always been there.
Not in a bad way! It's not a relationship out of habit or anything. He's like a limb. I suppose I could relearn to live without it if I absolutely had to, but ideally it stays right where it is.
Post by maudefindlay on Jul 11, 2023 5:36:06 GMT -5
He is consistently pleasant to be around, very even tempered. A hard worker who does more than his share of the load and looks for ways to lighten my load when I need it without my asking. Very thoughtful and a great sounding board. I think he gives the best advice. I love traveling with him as well as just sitting on the couch with him. I'm still attracted to him after almost 18 years of marriage, he's very handsome. I feel so comfortable with him and that's due to my trust in him which has not waivered. He's so smart and the best problem solver I know.
I'm good a listener and I'm willing to try new things, be adventurous. We have plenty in common, but are good about doing things the other wants to do or giving each other time to do what we want on our own.
Well I’ll start by being honest and saying that this list of things doesn’t immediately jump to mind. Our marriage has always been work. It’s easier at the moment, but I imagine it will always be work.
So first off I think he’s super hot, and he’s my physical type so I never get tired of checking him out. He also smacks my butt whenever he walks by, and I like that.
I can’t seem to separate out the fact that he’s the best dad I know, with infinite patience with the kids. He’s very indulgent of them. He had kids when we met, so how he parented has always been part of the attraction.
He’s a sensitive, heartfelt person. He is very loyal. He doesn’t do a consistent job of showing it, but he loves me so much. He always brags on me to strangers and his friends, when I’m not there. People will meet me and be like “so HERE’s jobae! I’ve heard a LOT about you!”
He’s good at the thoughtful things big and small. He remembers what I like and gets it. He has always been willing to work on things within himself, for the good of our marriage. He loves to have a good time, and we have a lot of fun together particularly when we’re kid-free. We’re the same mix of work hard, play hard. Both very ambitious, and he’s supportive of my career. He supported me quitting my salaried job and starting my own business, and now he’s doing more around the house so I can work on my second business.
Regarding what I do for him. I push us to keep our sex life spicy. I make him be the best version of himself- avoid foods he’s intolerant of, moderate drinking, go back to therapy when needed, see the damn doctor, that kind of thing. Health watchdog. I also work hard to keep my looks and I try to look nice for him. I take things off his plate when he’s stressed, and listen and offer support when he’s had a hard day. I have sacrificed a lot for his career, and built my new career so he could do what he needed, and I could be the primary caretaker of our kid AND triple my income. That shit makes him super lucky. Not a lot of people make six figures only working while their kid is in school. I pump him up and support him however I can. And… I forgive a lot. Lol.
My husband rises to meet me and I rise to meet him. I feel like over time we have stitched ourselves together in a way that respects each other and values what the other person has to say.
I actually lamented that they don’t write books about the mellowing and deepening of relationships between people. It’s always the “fall in love” moment that is viewed as dramatic but, looking back, the way we both checked our flaws and worked together to be better for each other is a far more beautiful story.
He’s really just the best person. He’s sweet, supportive, loving, silly…he’s so freaking cute I can’t stand it sometimes. He does the cooking, he gives me leg massages almost every night, he almost always come home from an errand with a drink or candy or snack for me. He never raises his voice. He loves animals. He is so wonderful with our nephew. We rarely argue because he prefer to talk things out (which does drive me crazy sometimes, but still…). He is the most thoughtful, forgiving, patient, and understanding man I’ve ever met. I often wonder how I got so lucky (and why he puts up with my bullshit, lol). We are true equals in the relationship and he would never hesitate to pick up the slack if I needed help. He is the kind of person who would absolutely inconvenience himself if it meant that my life was easier as a result.
isabel I'm sorry things aren't good right now. I've said here before that my husband and I have had challenges. It sometimes can feel like we're supposed to have fireworks and romance and things like that, but sometimes love can be comfortable and boring and predictable (wise_rita put that absolutely perfectly).
In any case, you should have the love you want. It's ok to not want the boring and the comfortable if it's not what makes you happy. It's ok to work on it and it's ok to decide you don't want to work anymore. And it's also truly ok to decide you need something else even if you think the reasons arent big enough. You wanting it is enough. Kids make it harder to put our needs first (especially if the ending isn't because of a betrayal or some dealbreaker).
And, I should say, it's very easy for me to type these words despite knowing that I would stay in a relationship that didn't fulfill me for my son to have us together. Like, if it was fine but I knew there could be more out there for me? I know I wouldn't leave. Marriage is so hard sometimes. I really hope you can get to a place where your happy-- either right where you are or somewhere new. ❤️
No, I know that, LOL. I think it's just that in my circle, most of us are too annoyed with our partners to think of nice things to say.
Fair point. H and I were in a real low last year. Part of our reconnecting has included weekly gratitude lists, so these things were at the forefront of my brain.
There have been many weeks where it was a real struggle to stay positive. But overall, it’s been very good for our relationship.
I would really like to hear more about this; would you be willing to PM me about some of the work you guys did to improve your relationship?
Everything ok? You’ve posted a few things that seem to lean toward some stuff not working well.
No, I'm really not. But I'm trying to think through things from multiple angles and some of this requires me to think about myself in the relationship too and what I bring. It's helpful to read the responses and connect with the things I do have vs. the ones I don't.
isabel, I am really sorry and I can fully relate. I appreciate you asking the question because lately all I think about is the negatives both in terms of him and now me and what we bring to the relationship. I think this question is exactly what I need to spark the work of what is needed for both of us to be a bit happier in our partnership.
I feel like there is the real question and then the subtext of the question. For the second part I’m going to say life is too short to be unhappy in your home especially if it’s been going on a long time.
Did the first part, DH is an extremely hard worker and equal partner. We are in the same page mostly. We are always working through things but more life stuff than relationship issues. I guess I would say they thing that probably helps us the most is actually his individual therapy. He’s been it for over 5 years and it’s helped him control emotions, manage his depression, manage job related stress since his work is very stressful and much more.
isabel I'm sorry that things aren't in a good spot. It sounds like you want to put in the work, so whatever the decision is, know that we'll support you.
I am using this as a tool to remember that my husband is a good partner. He works so hard to try to provider for us, even if it is not always in a way that I find helpful (lol). He strives to be better every day and he would give his life to help a loved one. He is incredibly supportive of me and my goals. He is working hard to be the best dad and husband he can be.
He is funny and cute and silly and we enjoy each other's company when we sit down and put the work in.
But it has been WORK lately (for years) and while I see improvements I wish it were easier. However, I do not want to stop working and I think that is important--to remember that I want to put in the work.
You probably should have asked people to include the number of years married too. It will be 19 years next month and I have a very easy time seeing the negative in him and a harder time seeing the positives. He annoys me so much!!
I would also like to see more about the mellowing of love over time. It's also hard for me to separate him and our relationship from other negatives in life. I don't like where we live, I don't like most people where we live and we finding it impossible to find friends we click with. And I think I am somehow blaming him for that. Like, looking to blame what I see as the negatives in him for why we will likely never socialize. Which isn't fair.
I wouldn't advocate for someone to live in misery, but it's also OK to go through periods of unhappiness and feeling unfulfilled in a relationship. Especially when there are other factors during a period of life that can make you feel the same way. It isn't my husband's fault that I feel like all my time is spent picking up, dropping off, dealing with the dog and worrying about everyone else. It isn't his fault that I don't have much social outlet outside my house. But he is definitely, or our relationship is, bearing the brunt of that blame. I guess the best thing about him as a partner right now is that he is riding out this "lull" in our relationship because it might be starting to change a little bit for us now.
I would also like to see more about the mellowing of love over time.
I wouldn't advocate for someone to live in misery, but it's also OK to go through periods of unhappiness and feeling unfulfilled in a relationship. Especially when there are other factors during a period of life that can make you feel the same way.
This is what I think about too when I read these posts.
One thing to note is, I never doubt I want to grow old with him.
I definitely don't want to go back to being single and/or dating. lol
Seriously though, marriage/long term relationships are hard and they take work. We recently decided to start doing drinks and apps on Fridays. This gives us time alone and to connect from our hectic schedules.
My DH is a good person and so thoughtful of others. He's also very funny. He keeps things interesting for sure.
Post by wanderingback on Jul 11, 2023 9:15:37 GMT -5
I can relate to a lot of these <3 We also don’t really argue and he is so patient with me when I get a little extra lol.
Anyway, I also wanted to bring up, since it isn’t talked about enough, we haven’t had sex in awhile (I think over a year?), and that’s ok. Between pregnancy, postpartum and now his surgery/tumor removal (that has involved his reproductive and sexual parts!) sex just hasn’t happened.
But we still remain close and intimate in other ways. Hugging, cuddling, holding hands, back rubs, etc. Also some of my favorite moments now are when we just lay in bed in the mornings with our daughter and all cuddle together and act silly too. Definitely a change from the morning sex we used to have but just as special and intimate for our family.
So I’m glad to have a partner that understands that and is on the same intimacy level as me.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jul 11, 2023 9:18:52 GMT -5
I also think it’s important to understand that relationships fluctuate over time.
H and I have been together 18 years and married for 15 this upcoming February, but we met when I was 30 and he was 28. We didn’t get married for another nearly four years and it was an additional four years before we had kids. So we have had a lot of time to grow and evolve together before each next phase of our life.
Does he annoy me sometimes and vice versa? Absolutely. Do I still have butterflies? Not in the way I did when we first met, but we are very attracted to each other, have a great sex life that works for both of us, and enjoy each other’s company even if we are just sitting next to each other on the couch browsing the internet on our phones. But I think that kind of easing into compatibility and comfort instead of constant excitement is normal in all long term relationships.
Most importantly, both partners need to be considerate of how the other is feeling and to be willing to work through the hard stuff.
And, it should go without saying, that if someone is abusive or generally makes you feel crappy about yourself, that’s never okay.
I used to wonder if our relationship was boring. But, no, it's not. It's seasoned and tested - comfortable. My husband and daughter are home for me, regardless of where we are.
I know my husband is the guy for me because of the little things - when we both think the exact same thing at the exact same moment (and know it), when he brings up a 20 year old inside joke at the perfect moment and I laugh uncontrollably, when he goes to my parents' place to help with a tech issue for the millionth time. He's kind, he's loyal, he's always up for an adventure. He's smarter than anyone else I know. He's a family man. He's a true partner. I have never ever been the default parent and, honestly, he does more around the house than I do.
As for what I bring to the relationship? Sometimes I wonder! I'm lazier than him. I'm moody. I fight dirty and hold a grudge. He says I spread joy without knowing it - I am the gift giver, the one who suggests we call in sick and have a day date, the one who acknowledges a recipe has turned out terribly and we should order pizza. I am passionate about the causes I care about. I tell him I love him all the time. I make sure he takes time for himself.
Honestly, we just click. I want to grow old with him and, really, everything else is just details.
I can relate to a lot of these <3 We also don’t really argue and he is so patient with me when I get a little extra lol.
Anyway, I also wanted to bring up, since it isn’t talked about enough, we haven’t had sex in awhile (I think over a year?), and that’s ok. Between pregnancy, postpartum and now his surgery/tumor removal (that has involved his reproductive and sexual parts!) sex just hasn’t happened.
But we still remain close and intimate in other ways. Hugging, cuddling, holding hands, back rubs, etc. Also some of my favorite moments now are when we just lay in bed in the mornings with our daughter and all cuddle together and act silly too. Definitely a change from the morning sex we used to have but just as special and intimate for our family.
So I’m glad to have a partner that understands that and is on the same intimacy level as me.
Yes! My daughter is six and we still do this!
Also feel you on the sex thing. Life takes a toll on you in many ways. It has for us and it’s okay. Partnerships are showing up in many ways for each other and that means meeting each other where you are. Love isn’t expressed the same way at all times of life.
H is my biggest cheerleader. If I decide I want to achieve a new goal he is 100% behind me regardless of the time, money, or personal sacrifice by him required for my success. Romantically, he prioritizes time together especially when life gets really busy and his schedule has us living like ships passing in the night. We rarely leave the house for dates, but he'll find a time when we're both home in the evening, get our favourite drinks and snacks, and just reconnect. He is loyal and never speaks ill of me to friends or coworkers, even when he's really annoyed with me.