Aside from the basics like he is fun, responsible, kind, and intelligent, one thing that I love about H is that’s he’s able to listen to what I have to say, not just get defensive and argue. It took him a long time to learn this. But over the years, he’s listened to some things that bothered me and he’s responded by making changes. It makes me feel seen and cared for.
He liked the same exacts things I did so he never put me down about it (like ex-h did). He made me laugh and was openly affectionate. He thought my love of shopping was endearing. He just accepted me the way I was and didn't try to change me. Plus he was an attentive lover and a good listener.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I think we have a good partnership largely because we really "get" each other and we are both very calm, rational people. We get along really well because we both feel the other is coming from a well intentioned place when we do or say something, so if something goes off the rails we can just discuss what happened without being hurt or defensive. We also share a lot of similarities in values, habits, and other lifestyle issues, so it takes very little for us to come to an agreement on things.
He is also very kind to me. If I put myself down (which I try not to do a lot), he always corrects me. He never says anything negative about me and always expresses support and gratitude for things I do or want to do. We share a silly sense of humor so we laugh and do silly things a lot. We have a lot of common interests so things like travel and going out and doing things is always easy and generally joyful. We are best friends and just like being around each other. And he has a strong sense of social justice and is an honest, genuine person and I really respect that and appreciate that he pushes me to be a better person. He makes me look at some things differently and I always feel like I benefit from his perspective.
I would not say we have an equal partnership in terms of mental or workload, but our life is pretty easy (no kids, just one cat, no real family responsibilities outside of each other) so it's not really a problem most of the time. I am a good partner because I do a lot for him/us and generally don't get bothered by it, lol. I do know that if I need him to step up and do things, he will without complaint. There are always things that we could both improve if they get to a point where it is needed, but I think we both trust that the other will do what is necessary to support each other. I can't imagine life without him or even wanting to imagine something different. I feel lucky to know him.
We "get" each other- our likes, dislikes, quirks, passions, ethics.
He is a very good empathizer and can translate complex situations.
He makes me laugh, every day.
Even when there are things that annoy the ever loving fuck out of me, he actually listens and improves, and lets me know when he adjusted things
He is calm presence for me when i need it, and a great hype man for me and for his friends/ family.
He is unabashedly expressive with his thankfulness with, and compliments of, other people. He is also really good at calling out shitty stuff when needed, and then moving on.
shauni27 , I can share some here for anyone else who may care. Gottman resources have been helpful. They have a free app called Card Decks that we've enjoyed pulling questions from.
He balances out my neurotic type A tendencies - which, to be fair, also is the root of some of our household chore issues. He will stay light hearted when I am upset, usually getting me to relax and crack a smile.
He is fiercely protective of our kids and our family. He is the most loyal person I know, both to us and all his friends.
Ultimately at the core of our relationship we are best friends. We can still spend time alone together and have fun.
We chose to work through the things we differ on because the good stuff we have makes it worth the effort.
lucybrown, that is SO helpful. Is there a reason you do not allow discussions of parenting, scheduling or household business? those seem like some of our biggest issues, especially parenting.
We’ve been married 20 years and I have never regretted marrying him. He treats me with respect, he supports me, he does more than his share of the housework, and is (usually) willing to listen when there’s something I wish he would change.
Shortly after we were married, my professor and mentor (we got married in grad school) asked me how the adjustment to married life was going. I told her, “it’s like coming home.”
We used as our wedding vows the Bible verses “love is patient, love is kind, etc.” Honestly, he fulfills his vows daily.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Jul 11, 2023 12:02:32 GMT -5
So many things ...
J is incredibly patient, generous, supportive with me knowing that I come w a special needs kiddo. He knows when to let me vent and when to offer solutions. He's criticized me but its been incredibly carefully worded and broached so it's not judgmental but constructive. He's very much a 'we' person and not a 'you' person. He doesn't less a chance to spoil me somehow get away from him.
We share the mundane silly things we come across during the day. We know the value of just chilling and doing nothing but watch old movies on tv. We're our biggest cheerleaders. He made it possible for me to be vulenerable with a guy again after the unholy disaster that was my xh who preyed on any vulenerability with me.
Even though we don't live together (and that kills both of us that we can't do that at this time) we make time for each other nightly (watching a show/movie/game together) and a minimum of 2x a week adult time just us. He appreciates what I do to make sure time is made for us (he has it easier as he shares custody w his ex).
Also he's good with R. Lord knows she's a difficult kiddo but he tries. He wants to make a connection with her and he tries, tries, tries. He doesn't have to include us in his vacay plans with his son but he does knowing full well that R may cause some frustrations for everyone. It's a risk he's willing to take and I love that about him.
lucybrown, that is SO helpful. Is there a reason you do not allow discussions of parenting, scheduling or household business? those seem like some of our biggest issues, especially parenting.
We discuss parenting as it relates to our relationship dynamics. Usually it’s specific situations where the other person’s behavior wasn’t helpful. Another example is not feeling backed up by the other partner at times. We try to hold the hour as our time first. We don’t always use the whole time and often end up going into the other stuff afterward.
I think the main reason for separation is that we both put so much effort into parenting/family/adulting that we don’t prioritize us. My attitude at this point is that if we’re not solid, nothing else really matters. We’re really good business/parenting/life partners and on the same page much of the time. It’s the intimate/romantic areas where we need to gain some skills.
ETA: We both have ADHD and H thinks he may be autistic. The very clear expectations keep us both on the topic at hand instead of bringing up random things.
I agree with a good deal that has already been posted. I think it’s valuable to add that what makes H and I good partners are are similar financial spending/saving goals. I know it’s a bit boring but it’s so important, too. At least to my peace of mind.
Partly because we met and married in our 30’s, I was already independent with my own financial style. Plus, I was educated and working as a social worker (still am), so I had conservative salary expectations. Through my 20’s, I had lot of friends who expected big salaries in the future and ran themselves into debt knowing/thinking it would be okay. Some were, some were not. Being a partner with someone who spends and saves the same way spills into so many things in life. I don’t feel cheap and I don’t feel speedy. It’s just right.
Pre-covid I did a lot of solo traveling and personal hobbies/interests. I love traveling with him but keeping my self identity and independence is very important to me and he lets that happen without being controlling or jealous. The same is true now that we have a child, he still helps me foster my independence and sense of self.
The same is true for how I treat him.
I think that’s why we’re great partners for each other and have a great relationship and understanding and love for each other.
And even though I love having my independence I could also probably spend every single day with him. My 5 months of maternity leave were wonderful, I loved every day together and we didn’t argue. He’s caring, funny, loving and interesting.
This exactly. Although the letting me be me way of saying things always makes me pause but I know that's the essence of the sentiment and I've used it to describe our relationship many times before. Really, he doesn't "let" me. More like he doesn't try to change me or make me feel bad for being who I am or care that other people think its odd that I travel alone twice a year, or don't ask if I can do something- we give each other a head's up ("Hey, I'm going to dinner with X on Friday, is that cool or should I book a sitter?) , but don't ask ("Can I go to dinner with X on Friday?") or that I have no problem making an ass of myself and can laugh it off.
He gives me space when I need it. Knows when I'm in my head. Supports me. Is proud of me. Loves that I am the opposite of him-I'm outgoing and spontaneous and talkative but also need my alone time. He is serious and quiet and not spontaneous at all.
We are very much opposites and a lot of the time its annoying as can be and doesn't always work perfectly, but I also know that if I married someone like myself, it would not work. I need the balance he brings to my life. He's my support and rock. I supply the fun
Post by hbomdiggity on Jul 11, 2023 16:59:01 GMT -5
As much as we are both extremely independent, he is my strength and we are each others best friends.
I chuckle at the kind and generous descriptions because, well, that is not what first comes to mind. Dare I say he is a bit of an ass… but you will never not know where you stand with him and I appreciate the authenticity. And behind it all is a good person and we have fun together.
We have both changed a lot in the 18 years we’ve been together but never in a way that has driven us apart.
The biggest thing for me is that my H is reliable AF. If he says he's going to do something, ex: insert misc. house repair, it gets done, correctly, and in a timely manner. If for some reason he can't get it done himself, he will make it happen some other way by getting someone to help him or by hiring it out. He will be on time to events. He remembers my birthday and our anniversary. He knows to take my lingerie bags out of the washing machine and not put them in the dryer.
This reliability extends towards the commitments he makes to friends, family, and work too, but he manages it well without overcommitting himself.
I'm an extremely anxious person, and the predictability of his actions makes me feel safe and respected.
My husband rises to meet me and I rise to meet him. I feel like over time we have stitched ourselves together in a way that respects each other and values what the other person has to say.
I actually lamented that they don’t write books about the mellowing and deepening of relationships between people. It’s always the “fall in love” moment that is viewed as dramatic but, looking back, the way we both checked our flaws and worked together to be better for each other is a far more beautiful story.
You are so eloquent.
That is a really interesting point about all of the books on the beginning phases but not on the process of staying together.
I did see one study that piqued my interest, that looked at couples that had longer-term success, and found that at least one strong attribute was how much each person remained interested over time in the little things in life the other one pointed out. That's a terrible summary, sorry, it was a while ago. I remember an example of how if you are at the window and called your partner over to look at something wonderful you were seeing out the window and that you wanted to share with them, did they jump up to see, or act indifferent?
My husband rises to meet me and I rise to meet him. I feel like over time we have stitched ourselves together in a way that respects each other and values what the other person has to say.
I actually lamented that they don’t write books about the mellowing and deepening of relationships between people. It’s always the “fall in love” moment that is viewed as dramatic but, looking back, the way we both checked our flaws and worked together to be better for each other is a far more beautiful story.
You are so eloquent.
That is a really interesting point about all of the books on the beginning phases but not on the process of staying together.
I did see one study that piqued my interest, that looked at couples that had longer-term success, and found that at least one strong attribute was how much each person remained interested over time in the little things in life the other one pointed out. That's a terrible summary, sorry, it was a while ago. I remember an example of how if you are at the window and called your partner over to look at something wonderful you were seeing out the window and that you wanted to share with them, did they jump up to see, or act indifferent?
I think the struggle of telling a story like this (relationship growth) in the context of a movie is difficult. You need inner dialogue. Big gestures translate well to film.
A book is a better place for this kind of story, but even then the story is not flashy. It’s slow, it simmers, it’s like making a great pot of soup - it takes time for the flavors to meld. Will such a story hold our attention? If written well, I would certainly hope so!
I think there’s this sense that “old married couples” are just there and have been at status quo since the day they married assuming no major life events (cheating, illness, etc). And it’s not true! There’s so much going on under the surface. Those stories are worth telling if we can find the right medium and voice. I’m not sure we have.
Post by picksthemusic on Jul 13, 2023 10:21:17 GMT -5
We laugh so much. Cackling, guffawing, tear-streaming laughter. We share lots of interests, and we like to challenge each other on things. He makes me happy.
I thought a lot about this after h’s infidelity. Why did I think he was worth staying with? He’s my friend, my partner, my home. He makes me laugh and I genuinely enjoy being with him. He’s kind and caring. I never feel like he wants me to be someone I’m not. He’s proud of the things I’ve accomplished.
As for me, I’m very loyal and forgiving (obviously). I also make him laugh. I love him for who he is, faults and all.
My husband rises to meet me and I rise to meet him. I feel like over time we have stitched ourselves together in a way that respects each other and values what the other person has to say.
I actually lamented that they don’t write books about the mellowing and deepening of relationships between people. It’s always the “fall in love” moment that is viewed as dramatic but, looking back, the way we both checked our flaws and worked together to be better for each other is a far more beautiful story.
You are so eloquent.
That is a really interesting point about all of the books on the beginning phases but not on the process of staying together.
I did see one study that piqued my interest, that looked at couples that had longer-term success, and found that at least one strong attribute was how much each person remained interested over time in the little things in life the other one pointed out. That's a terrible summary, sorry, it was a while ago. I remember an example of how if you are at the window and called your partner over to look at something wonderful you were seeing out the window and that you wanted to share with them, did they jump up to see, or act indifferent?
Pretty sure that's Gottman and how he can tell within 5 minutes whether a couple will stay together. By whether they respond to their partner's "bids" for interaction or they dismiss them.
This is a good read. For us, it's just easy, so easy. We had that couldn't keep our hands off of each other phase, then it developed into a deeper relationship, where we truly fell in love. It's been 17yrs together and 15 married and it's still so easy. I can honestly say it has never felt like work.
We have a few caveats, though: no kids, no financial stress, no family drama. So none of the things that naturally create stress, I have no idea how we would have done with any of those really? I'd like to think ok? But who knows, no relationship is perfect.
A funny thing, I remember seeing couples, like at dinner, eating in silence, and thinking wow! That sucks, they must be miserable! But now I get it, lol. We can be in total silence and having a great time.
Also, my H is the easiest person on the planet, I'm not too bad either!
Oh! We were also 30 when we got married, which I think was beneficial for us, a bit more mature and better sense of self.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
This is a good read. For us, it's just easy, so easy. We had that couldn't keep our hands off of each other phase, then it developed into a deeper relationship, where we truly fell in love. It's been 17yrs together and 15 married and it's still so easy. I can honestly say it has never felt like work.
We have a few caveats, though: no kids, no financial stress, no family drama. So none of the things that naturally create stress, I have no idea how we would have done with any of those really? I'd like to think ok? But who knows, no relationship is perfect.
A funny thing, I remember seeing couples, like at dinner, eating in silence, and thinking wow! That sucks, they must be miserable! But now I get it, lol. We can be in total silence and having a great time.
Also, my H is the easiest person on the planet, I'm not too bad either!
Oh! We were also 30 when we got married, which I think was beneficial for us, a bit more mature and better sense of self.
Yes! While I think being in a relationship is def different than being single it’s not always WORK. I think it does depend on the personalities of the people in the relationship, but I agree with your point about it being easy. And we do have a kid now and I know it’s still early on, but it has not strained our relationship, I actually think it’s brought us closer in some ways and brought out our strengths. So that’s why I say having to work at a relationship def depends on personalities.
With that being said I don’t believe in soul mates and I’m sure I could find a happy relationship with someone else if things changed and I wanted to be in a relationship. With the billions of people in the world I know there are other people I could be happy with even though it wouldn’t be the exact same person/relationship.
That is a really interesting point about all of the books on the beginning phases but not on the process of staying together.
I did see one study that piqued my interest, that looked at couples that had longer-term success, and found that at least one strong attribute was how much each person remained interested over time in the little things in life the other one pointed out. That's a terrible summary, sorry, it was a while ago. I remember an example of how if you are at the window and called your partner over to look at something wonderful you were seeing out the window and that you wanted to share with them, did they jump up to see, or act indifferent?
Pretty sure that's Gottman and how he can tell within 5 minutes whether a couple will stay together. By whether they respond to their partner's "bids" for interaction or they dismiss them.
Yes it’s Gottman and turning toward your partner. He and his wife can analyze quickly which couples stay married based on asking them neutral questions. So if the wife says oh look at that bird and the husband says—oh yes it’s a blue Jay. Even that is predictive of a healthy marriage