This is something that I really struggle with along with body image issues. Plus, my daughter is in recovery from an Eating Disorder and suffers from this as well. The difference is, I'm currently like 85lbs overweight, and she's a very healthy weight with an athletic build. I don't know how to help myself, and I certainly don't know how to help her. She does attend therapy and I recommended that she talk to her therapist about it this week. But how do I help myself? I was doing therapy for myself earlier this year, but it kind of fell to the wayside with everything else I have going on, which funnily enough, is probably why I should be in therapy. But I digress.....I've lost nearly 50lbs and everyone keeps telling me how great I look, but I just don't see it. When I look in the mirror I'm still disgusted by myself, I just can't see past the negative. I know I've made improvements, my measurements have gone down, my weight has gone down, some of my physical ailments are no longer an issue, but still, all I can see is the overweight girl standing in front of me. Does anyone else deal with this? How do you change the narrative? Not that I'm anywhere close to being ready to date, but I can't imagine any man every finding me attractive the way that I look right now. Ugh.
My negative self talk isn't focused on my body, mine is around traditional female norms like keeping a perfect house and being a perfect hostess. What helps a lot is trying to treat myself like I'd treat a friend. Would I tell a friend they suck because they served an easy curry at a dinner party instead of some multi-course thing made from scratch? No. Would I be grossed out by a couple cobwebs on her ceiling? No. So maybe it's fine to have my friends over for a party I spent only an hour getting ready for.
In your case, your health is improving, who cares what you look like? Would you think it was disgusting if you had a scar from an old injury? For dating, let the men decide who they want to date. Put full body pictures in your profile and people who aren't interested will never message you, you don't have to think about them.
For your kid, I hate to say this but so many of our negative self image things come from parental or family (aunts/uncles) expectations. My female friends all have major guilt over different things their family put on them, and it's all different expectations. One feels like she shouldn't be too tall so she's always slouching or sitting in photos. One is around being photographed without make-up on, or really leaving the house without her "face". One is also weight, one is that her boobs are too big, etc., etc. Not vocalizing this concerns around your kid and militantly not engaging on discussions of other people's bodies when friends or larger family bring it up could help.
I had to get to the point of admitting that I am constantly hit, every day, several times a day with negative shit thrown at me. There are many reasons … most of them destructive and designed to get us to buy something so someone else gets my money, time, etc. And nothing to do with actually helping me or being honest. At all.
It took a lot to really admit this shit is going on.
So, I did a deep dive into affirmations to counteract all of the really negative messaging. I’ll be damned to add to the useless and wasteful negative messaging already thrown at me. At first, it felt very unnatural. But like anything, I got better with practice and repetition. I also got fired up ! Info all the things … write them, copy them, post them, share them, read them, say them out loud.
My favorite for my body : “Right now, you are at someone else’s goal weight.”
I don’t know why I find this one so meaningful (I have some insight but don’t want to go on a huge tangent) but it really gives me pause and permission to love my body at any weight or size. Including on my way down to my personal goal weight or on my way up during a period of weight gain.
And you know what? Hating myself never actually **worked** to achieve any of my goals. Not ever.
This may be completely unhelpful advice, because as you know, the negative thoughts aren't rational - but is it possible to focus less on your appearance/weight by doing other things that make you feel good? Like trying to consciously focus on other areas of you/your life that you're happy with (hobbies, being a good parent/friend/good at your job, etc). Anyone worth dating should be focusing on you as a total package and how you make them feel, not exclusively on your appearance/weight.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Jul 24, 2023 13:33:18 GMT -5
The thing about self-talk is that it's rehearsed and practiced. You've got a lot of years of rehearsal saying not nice things about yourself - so it's going to take a lot of conscious effort to stop and reverse it.
When I get into ruts, I take time to really think about what I'm thinking and challenge it. Is what I'm saying actually true and why not? I also do the trick someone said above - what would I tell a friend/daughter/loved one if they told me what they were thinking about themselves - I tell myself the same thing.
I’m right there with you. I’ve done a few things that have helped:
1. I don’t participate in discussion about weight or diet culture unless I know I’m in a safe place (like some discussion on here)
2. I remove diet/exercise content from my SM feeds, and like videos that are helpful to my body image
3. I don’t weigh myself. I have asked doctors not to weigh me unless medically necessary and then I face the other direction
My body image is still not great, but I’m in a much better place than I was a few months ago. It’s a huge struggle for me, and I still have occasional very dark thoughts sometimes, but they don’t last long and I can talk myself through them.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Jul 24, 2023 13:42:07 GMT -5
I will also say that I'm also a firm believer in sometimes you need medication to make your brain do what a "normal" brain does. I've always thought this, but since going through the therapy and medication rigmarole with L - I more firmly believe it. There is no amount of skills/therapy that would have gotten her brain to where it is today.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Jul 24, 2023 13:56:22 GMT -5
I also do not compare myself to others. I think that’s where a lot of negatives come from for me. I’m not as thin as her. I’m not as beautiful as her. Im so stupid compared to her. I’m not blah blah blah.
I was reading through some older books last night trying to decide if their content was appropriate for the kids I want to give them to. Some of the content was aimed at body image. I was shocked that a book published in 1963 had such a grounded view of self-worth. It said, “The real secret of loveliness is being lovely. What does that mean? … It is a combination of a great many things, some of them are visible, most of them are not. It is the total of all your qualities, your inner self, as well as those that show. It is the kind of person you are. That is why this chapter is about so many things that make up the picture of you, those things that are on the surface and those shining through.“
I think it’s easy to see ourselves in parts and not as a whole. It’s easier to attack ourselves when we dehumanize ourselves and focus on only 1 piece of who we are.
I try to really focus on the idea that there are a lot of things far more interesting and important about myself than the way I look or the weight that I am at. I don't think this needs to mean that I completely give up on buying flattering clothes or doing my makeup for whatever, but I'm trying to take the pressure off feeling like I have to do those things or that they matter one way or another to my happiness or how much someone wants to be around me. I don't think I'll ever be truly body positive or "love my body" but I really like the idea of body neutrality. It is what it is and beating myself up over it isn't going to change it or make my life better.
As far as being attractive to others - I am sure I'd feel the same way if I was dating, but I would also remind myself (and you) that most people our ages aren't going to have perfect bodies or faces and that I probably wouldn't want to date anyone who felt that was what's important. Sure you have to be attracted to a person you're sleeping with, but if a man in his 40's or 50's hasn't adjusted his definition of attraction to include things other than "thin", he's not worth your time.
My MIL, who is in great health both physically and mentally (a true blessing! and so enviable) was on a phone conversation with her sister who is also physically and mentally active. They are both in their 80s and come from a generation, family, and time where youth and beauty were valued and set to strict standards of thin-ness.
So, 2 women, both in their 80s discussed with each other (no one else was on the call) how fat and ugly they were. In detail. And in all seriousness. They had nothing else to talk about.
Good lord, please let me do the work NOW so I don’t have to keep saying this shit to myself for the rest of my life and into my 80s.
I really have better things to think of myself now and for the rest of my life.
I also got to a place where I was just exhausted by the thoughts and the obsession I was having with all things related to my body and decided I couldn’t devote any more energy to the feelings.
I wear clothing that is comfortable and don’t pay attention to what size they are.
I take an antidepressant and that has made a HUGE difference.
Post by goldengirlz on Jul 24, 2023 15:02:10 GMT -5
At the end of the day, it’s something that just takes practice. When I think negative thoughts, I try to replace them with three positive ones. I’ve heard people say to look at your body in the mirror (naked, eventually) and slowly get used to what you see until you feel neutral about it.
Also, get angry. I read a lot of anti-diet books and get pissed about all the negative (often misogynistic) messages I’ve absorbed about my body over the years. I don’t owe beauty to anyone, not even my husband.
Finally, I follow a lot of body positive influencers on social media so my feed is filled with beautiful women and non-binary folks with a similar body size/type.
I grew up with a mom who was very vocal about her body image issues. A lot of "I look fat" comments, always on a diet, etc. I make a huge effort to not do this in front of my kids, but in reality I focus on my weight a lot and is directly tied to my feelings of self-worth. I am probably at my highest weight right now and super unhappy about it, and how I look is always at the forefront of my mind. When I was my lowest before kids I was amazed that the biggest change was just not thinking about my body at all.
I do notice that when I am consistent with self care I feel better about myself in general - keeping up with skincare, makeup, styling my hair, nails, etc. My body isn't going to change overnight but at least I can do small things that will make a difference right away (lol I need a shower right now so clearly should follow my own advice).
Also i wear a lot of black leggings and tunic tops. I have big boobs so those go on display if I feel like it. Gotta take the wins where you can
Post by chilerellanos on Jul 24, 2023 18:16:52 GMT -5
I don’t feel bad about my body or my appearance or anything.
Mine is more like…. Feeling inadequate. Just in general. Like, I’m not good enough for anything.
I’m working through it. It’s hard. I do a lot of journaling trying to figure out why and where my thoughts come from (my parents are wonderful grandparents, but not great parents).
Post by wanderlustmom on Jul 24, 2023 18:51:49 GMT -5
I have struggled with this my whole life. Not sure why, my mom never did nor does my sister. I have been hard on myself about my weight since I was in middle school. I started therapy about seven years ago (still go), took antidepressants for a year and now I see a licensed dietitian who specializes in intuitive eating, gentle nutrition and health at every size. I had to get professional help to help with mine. I am slowly deprogramming myself from diet culture. And what’s odd for me is that I actually rarely diet I just have a lot of negative internal messages about my weight.
I try to focus on no food rules, finding things beside food to cope with negative feelings (very hard), telling myself I love myself, no scale, focusing on things that make my body feel strong. What’s worked the best for me and I know it’s maybe strange and a little self aggrandizing. But I am nice most of the time, I get a lot of compliments for being kind so I tell myself pretty is as pretty does. And when I reach out to people, I feel pretty
Post by lovelovelove on Jul 24, 2023 21:29:36 GMT -5
I listened to a podcast for awhild (it was focused on weight loss so i'm not going to post it) but they also covered body image thought work- I'm sure there are others out there that can work on just that, i needed it regularly, like more regularly than therapy lol, almost daily for awhile to help retrain some of my thoughts. For me it was the focus on the general work into even losing weight we're still going to have body image baggage and we need to unpack that and appreciate ourselves for everything wonderful we have and are. Like it doesn't go away just bc you hit a number on the scale, the issues are still there so we need to figure that stuff out. And our bodies aren't going to look a certain way just bc of a number on a scale so let's figure that out.
I try to set goals for my body now that have nothing to do with my weight or look. So a certain number of work out classes, lifting heavier weights, trying a different type of class, running different distances, etc. And when I do those things I try to talk to myself about how strong I am now (mind and body). "My stomach might never be flat but I have been adding more and more sit ups so my core is obviously getting super strong and my back looks fabulous." Hopefully one day I'll drop the first part of that sentence entirely. I try to look at myself in the mirror while I'm lifting weights to check my form, not be ashamed, and tell myself I look good. Look what my body is doing and I'm helping myself have a healthier future.
This is silly but I love fun, fashionable, trendy clothes sometimes when I'm feeling down, so I'll look up outfits on pintrest or Google with bodies that look like mine and buy a piece or two (even at the thrift store) to put a trendy outfit together. It gives me confidence both outward and inward. I know it shouldn't matter, but as others have said there's a lot to unpack and unwind here so these are things that help me think positive instead of negative.
I haven't fixed it. The other day i caught myself like "oh you've been pretty pumped up and really look at you compared to her, you'll never be like that" and it was like a total slap. But things like that aren't constant like they used to be. And I'm trying to overpower and outweight the negative with the positive.
And I'll ditto previous poster about keeping it away from kids if possible. My dd, 10 now, but has been saying for a couple of years, mom why are you so mean to yourself? I didn't even realize I was saying things in front of her.
It's a hard hard hard shift and we are constantly getting hit with take downs. But it's fake AF- those standards are made up. Try to recognize them and dont add to them yourself if possible. Feel good for you. As Christina Aguilera says "you are beautiful in every single way, words can't bring you down" lol but really!
I'm like chilerellanos . it's not that I like my appearance or body, it's just that I don't have any energy to think about it after all the general self loathing is done. Who really cares what I look like?
I have a running negative monologue about myself that I basically ignore and try to focus on getting shit done instead. Perhaps the world *would* be a better place if I never existed. But I do. Thinking about that isn't going to help anyone who actually is in my life. For example - I'm the mom my kids are stuck with, so I'd better be the best version of that I can be. That's the only option.
Post by mrsukyankee on Jul 25, 2023 2:41:03 GMT -5
Our brains have around 50-60,000 thoughts a day. We notice very few of them. What I teach my clients (and myself) to do is to accept that our brain will send us thoughts that are unhelpful - the brain is trying to be helpful and at one point, perhaps, a version of these thoughts were helpful, but not now. So here's what I do: 1. I say to myself - I'm noticing my brain sending me an unhelpful thought of, "I look ugly". That gives me some distance from it. I then have a variety of thoughts that I came up with that focus more on things that I like about me or focus on what I'm doing instead. -or- 2. My favourite exercise: I imagine Trump sending me that thought while standing on my shoulder(because my brain is an asshat at times, just like him). I sweep him off my shoulder and imagine him going splat. Then I remind myself that I'm more than my looks. -or- 3. I say to myself, "So what?". So what if I'm ugly? Why does it matter to anyone or me? Do I think people who are ugly are less than? If so, I have some work to do on myself!
Post by chilerellanos on Jul 25, 2023 6:17:28 GMT -5
My parents out a lot of focus on my looks. It’s a good thing you’re pretty because you’re not very smart. Hope you find a good husband to take care of you. Etc.
Well, I didn’t find a good husband. So I’ve struggled a bit now that I’m 45 and my insecurity is that I do think I’m pretty and and I’m pretty happy with my body. But like, I struggle with wondering if I’m worth anything beyond that.
And I know I am, it just takes a lot to overcome the stuff you heard and learned growing up (and honestly, my parents still say stuff to me).
I try to set goals for my body now that have nothing to do with my weight or look. So a certain number of work out classes, lifting heavier weights, trying a different type of class, running different distances, etc. And when I do those things I try to talk to myself about how strong I am now (mind and body). "My stomach might never be flat but I have been adding more and more sit ups so my core is obviously getting super strong and my back looks fabulous." Hopefully one day I'll drop the first part of that sentence entirely. I try to look at myself in the mirror while I'm lifting weights to check my form, not be ashamed, and tell myself I look good. Look what my body is doing and I'm helping myself have a healthier future.
This is silly but I love fun, fashionable, trendy clothes sometimes when I'm feeling down, so I'll look up outfits on pintrest or Google with bodies that look like mine and buy a piece or two (even at the thrift store) to put a trendy outfit together. It gives me confidence both outward and inward. I know it shouldn't matter, but as others have said there's a lot to unpack and unwind here so these are things that help me think positive instead of negative.