Anyone have an elderly, single parent that is thirsty AF?

[BlondeSpiders]

My mom. Good lord, my old mama.

She's 73. It's 10 years since my stepdad died and she's been dealing with a string of health issues ever since. Had no interest in dating until she reconnected with an old high school friend "J" on Classmates.com. HS crush is more accurate; she could not stop talking about how cute he was in 1968.

She's never "online dated" before so I made sure to give her all the appropriate warnings (don't send money, get him on the phone, video call is best, that kind of thing.) She doesn't consider him a stranger because she knew him once.

Here's the part where I mention she's not been treated well by most of the men in her life, my father included. Nobody has outright abused her, but she's always been starved for affection. Here's where I also mention that she has terrible boundaries and no close girlfriends. That means she wants to tell me all the dirty details and I am not.here.for.it.

He's love-bombing the hell out of her and they are making plans to meet in the middle (they are 600 miles apart) presumably for a steamy weekend tryst. Then out of the blue, he ends things. Something about how different they are (politically and ideologically) and how he couldn't listen to her talk about Rachel Maddow so much. She's devastated, keeps calling, eventually they start talking again and everything is perfect when she promises to never bring up politics again.

A week later, he ends it again. They're moving too fast, he needs to work on himself, etc etc. She's devastated again, but like before, they start talking again and finally make plans to meet up 3 hours away from her home. This is a woman with the worst back problems, and any drive more than 30 minutes makes her miserable. But she is thirsty and determined, so she makes it work. I make her give me his phone number and home address just in case and wish her well. She checks in throughout the weekend so I know she's safe (once by sending me a picture of an empty Cook's champagne bottle on the nightstand.  )

She makes it home and is over the moon for a few days. Then he ends it again. Says that she's too nice and he's taking advantage of her kindness, and he really needs to properly mourn his wife who died in JANUARY. He told her from the start about this, but apparently now it's a problem. She keeps calling him, eventually he cuts her off. Blocks her number, tells her he does not want to see or talk to her. She makes a new email address to contact him. I tell her that's a stalker move and she should cool it. She tells me she's planning to drive the 11 hours to his house to confront him and ask him why he ended things. I remind her that he has guns. Lots of guns. So many guns that a routine traffic stop (and search of his trunk) landed him in jail for the night because he had so many that weren't licensed. (I say BS on that reasoning, but that's what he told her.) This happened in between one of the breakups, but before they met. "Mom, please don't go confront a man with many guns who has told you he doesn't want to see you. What if the genders were switched?" She manages to talk with him one last time and he tells her that he'll call the police if she comes to his house, so she decides not to go.

I'm trying to be kind through this whole thing. She's never been dumped this badly before and I get that it hurts. I have been dumped several times, so I completely understand how soul-crushing it feels. Of course I want her to be happy, but I feel like she's lost all of her senses. All she can think about is how to connect with him again. I'm gently suggesting she move on, that he's made his choice but she refuses to accept that. When I ask why she wants to be with a man who dumped her 3 times, she says that she's old and doesn't have much time left. In the past I'd told her I would rather be alone then be with a partner who treated me badly, and she said "I'm not as strong as you." She really feels like this is her one last chance for happiness and she keeps clinging to it. She did sign up for a seniors dating app and matched with a nice (albeit bland) man who's only 1.5 hours away. He drove over here to see her twice and is very kind but there's no spark. Not like J. Dumpy McThreeTimes.

It's so hard watching her be this thirsty and make such awful decisions. She's watched me make my share. When I was 17 my boyfriend's mom kicked him out so he came to stay with us for a while. When my mom found out he was hitting me, she kicked him out. I'm now glad she did, but at the time she was Public Enemy #1 for such an action. I've made a lot of terrible decisions because of a bad man; what het woman hasn't? But keeping my self respect intact was always part of my decision making, and I see zero on display here. Sometimes I can't believe this woman raised me (mostly by herself.)

Here we are now, about 5 weeks later. Her house needs to be treated for mold and she needs to leave it for 1-2 weeks. I'm concerned that she doesn't have the money to stay in a motel for up to 2 weeks, or board her dog for that long. She tells me she's thinking of taking a drive to see some remote coastal town in Oregon, to "clear her head." I ask if she's really going to Oregon, or if she's going to J's town. She assures me she's going to this Oregon town to look into buying a small house. I ask who she's knows in this town, as we have no family or friends there.

"Nobody. But J is helping me look."

I try to be respectful when speaking to my mother, but all I could say was WTF. "NO judgments! I have to live my life! Not much time left to grab that brass ring." More like a circle-shaped turd, but whatever. How many more times does he need to break her heart before she gives up for good? I know it's coming again, but when? 

I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this, but please share your stories of thirsty, single elders.



some background: I'm an only child and we have no family in our state. She has a brother, SIL and some nephews in SoCal but that's it. My dad wasn't around much when I was growing up, so it's kind of always just been the two of us.

[jinkies]

OMG. I do not, but didn't want to read all that and not comment.

It must be incredibly hard to watch her continue to chase someone who is both unhealthy for her, and uninterested.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. can you help steer her toward healthier outlets to make friends?

[wise_rita]

Hold up, J is back in the picture and he's helping her look for a house to buy? Does that mean buy together?

I wouldn't use the term thirsty here. Id say lonely and desperate for companionship.

[Patsy Baloney]

😬😬😬 that is a lot! Do you feel like your mom is relying on you too much as a confidant? I would probably be happier in your shoes if I knew a little less.

My dad is 85, widowed once and divorced once. He doesn’t want to live his life alone, but doesn’t want to be married again. So, since he and my mom got divorced, he’s had a lot of friends. He always has 1 or 2 who he goes on dates with more frequently than the others. They check on each other and have fun together. Honestly, it gives me peace of mind that he’s so connected to so many as his age goes up and health declines.

Listing his friends is kind of like the song Mambo no. 5.

[BlondeSpiders]

Aug 1, 2023 16:26:53 GMT -5 jinkies said:

 can you help steer her toward healthier outlets to make friends?

I have tried. You ever suggested going to the senior center to an elderly relative, and they say, "I don't want to hang out with old people!" That's my mom. lol

I am trying to steer her toward female friends so she can gush about her men with them and not me. 

[7costanza]

Oh yikes. I’m sorry! My mom is remarried but has definite thirsty energy too. Her husband is not great but she’s so afraid of being alone she sticks around. He also dumped her a bunch of times before eventually proposing (I think to have somewhere to live that wasn’t his friends basement.)I also still remember her all over my dad after he had an affair, even 20+ years later it makes me nauseous to think about.

[Patsy Baloney]

Aug 1, 2023 16:30:38 GMT -5 BlondeSpiders said:

Aug 1, 2023 16:26:53 GMT -5 jinkies said:

 can you help steer her toward healthier outlets to make friends?

I have tried. You ever suggested going to the senior center to an elderly relative, and they say, "I don't want to hang out with old people!" That's my mom. lol

I am trying to steer her toward female friends so she can gush about her men with them and not me. 

What is she into? Can she join a book club, league of women voters, garden club, art class, etc.?

My dad met most of his squad at church, square dancing, and his local political group. I wonder if she’s got some anxiety about meeting folks in-person and not online?

[BlondeSpiders]

Aug 1, 2023 16:34:21 GMT -5 Patsy Baloney said:

Aug 1, 2023 16:30:38 GMT -5 BlondeSpiders said:

I have tried. You ever suggested going to the senior center to an elderly relative, and they say, "I don't want to hang out with old people!" That's my mom. lol

I am trying to steer her toward female friends so she can gush about her men with them and not me. 

What is she into? Can she join a book club, league of women voters, garden club, art class, etc.?

My dad met most of his squad at church, square dancing, and his local political group. I wonder if she’s got some anxiety about meeting folks in-person and not online?

She is semi-active in a local service club where she met my stepdad, so that's good. But her health issues keep her from committing to anything that requires being someplace on time. She has a hard time getting going in the morning. I wish I could find her a progressive voters group in her red town, it would be good for her to be around like-mind folks.

[BlondeSpiders]

Aug 1, 2023 16:31:31 GMT -5 7costanza said:

Oh yikes. I’m sorry! My mom is remarried but has definite thirsty energy too. Her husband is not great but she’s so afraid of being alone she sticks around. He also dumped her a bunch of times before eventually proposing (I think to have somewhere to live that wasn’t his friends basement.)I also still remember her all over my dad after he had an affair, even 20+ years later it makes me nauseous to think about.

Is it just a generational thing? My mom grew up in a time where being a housewife and other was a woman's greatest accomplishment, and everything else was secondary.  It's like deep down she doesn't believe she deserves any better?

[heyyounotyouyou]

Not that you can’t continue to grow throughout your life but I laughed at a 71 year old man couldn’t be in a relationship because “he had to work on himself”. Apparently that excuse (especially for someone that got into a relationship to begin with) has no age limit!

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I get frustrated with the 10 calls a week around IT support. I’d go insane with these conversations.

[eddy]

Slightly different but my dad started online dating 6 months after my mom died. He was grief stricken, lost and a total disaster. I also became his confidante and it was awful. He dated a string of extremely toxic women and I was very worried he would just up and marry one of them. My sister and I called him our teenage dadd. It added to the trauma of dealing with my mom’s death. 

fast forward, I went to therapy to learn to put up some very strong boundaries. He started dating my mom’s best friend who was also newly widowed. It was best case scenario as we love her very much. And he stopped online dating, thank god.

Therapy is my only advice. My life became much better when I learned some tools. 

[7costanza]

Aug 1, 2023 16:42:39 GMT -5 BlondeSpiders said:

Aug 1, 2023 16:31:31 GMT -5 7costanza said:

Oh yikes. I’m sorry! My mom is remarried but has definite thirsty energy too. Her husband is not great but she’s so afraid of being alone she sticks around. He also dumped her a bunch of times before eventually proposing (I think to have somewhere to live that wasn’t his friends basement.)I also still remember her all over my dad after he had an affair, even 20+ years later it makes me nauseous to think about.

Is it just a generational thing? My mom grew up in a time where being a housewife and other was a woman's greatest accomplishment, and everything else was secondary.  It's like deep down she doesn't believe she deserves any better?

I think that’s a big part of it. My aunts all stick with or heavily pursue trash guys too.

My mom recently told me the only reason she married my dad was because she was afraid no one would ever love her, and he said he did (he definitely did not show it in any way I could see growing up.) That made me really sad because she’s pretty great!

[felicity]

Wow that sounds like a lot. I really think you need to try and disentangle yourself from being her confidant and also from being so invested in fixing this for her. It's an unhealthy situation for her for sure, but it's also not healthy for you to be so involved. Sorry she's making these bad choices and it's upsetting for you too.

[bee20]

Yes, there seems to be something about high school crushes in your golden years. Not my mother but separately an aunt and an uncle have gone gaga over former flames and it's rough to watch. Down to the political differences, on again off again, etc.

With the aunt it fizzled out after 3 years of hot and cold. The uncle married a different woman he met online. I think it's fair to set some boundaries around what you're willing to hear, but I'd be nervous to fully cut her off since there are so many romance scams.

[waverly]

My dad was for a good 20 years until he got dementia. It was VERY dramatic. Lots of breakups with different women and he had a lot of feelings about that. He also lived in South America for a while and kept dating younger and younger. Unless he has romance in the assisted living place that stage is over thankfully. And all the drama did not help his alcoholism either. Luckily he didn’t share too many details.

[underwaterrhymes]

Oooof, this resonates.

Until my stepdad died, my mom had really never been single. My dad cheated on her and she immediately jumped into a relationship with a man that lasted a few years before she started dating and married my stepdad. He died in 2018. Although I love my dad and stepdad, neither treated her the way she deserves to be treated. (My dad for obvious reasons and my stepdad because he really didn’t share the same interests as she did and would spend most evenings watching Star Trek, golf, or Fox News. He loved her. He just didn’t know how to show it in the way she needed him to.)

She started dating about a year after he died and whewwwww she was like fucking Bambi on the iced over pond. She has always valued herself for what she can give a man more than for who she is and is easily swayed by attention. My sister and I warned her so many times and she was getting sucked into the compliments that sketchy men and scammers were feeding her. (One guy was a DJ who was like half her age and his FB page was full of half naked women. My sister and I were like WTFfffffffff. MOM!!!!)

She is finally dating someone wonderful now who shares her hatred for Trump (hard to find in Florida) and also treats her really well. (Also, to the thirsty comment, they are compatible sexually too, as she likes to share with me and my sis on many occasions. She once butt dialed my sister as she was about to get it on with him and my sister had to bleach her ears. 😂)

ANYway, I hope your mom figures out quickly this guy is NOT the one. Keep giving her advice, but know that she’s going to do what she wants. A lot of women in that generation were not raised to recognize their own worthiness outside of a relationship and it’s such a fucking uphill battle. ❤️

[underwaterrhymes]

Also, I definitely think there is something to the reminiscing about HS thing. I don’t get it because I HATED HS, but my mom was a model and a cheerleader and she’s always posting old pics from 55 years ago and basking in the nice comments she gets.

She was beautiful then but she’s also beautiful now and I wish she had confidence in herself without needing all of the exterior build up of her teenaged self.

[goldengirlz]

Aug 1, 2023 20:01:10 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

Also, I definitely think there is something to the reminiscing about HS thing. I don’t get it because I HATED HS, but my mom was a model and a cheerleader and she’s always posting old pics from 55 years ago and basking in the nice comments she gets.

She was beautiful then but she’s also beautiful now and I wish she had confidence in herself without needing all of the exterior build up of her teenaged self.

My mom is 70 and her theory about this is that it’s nice to be around people who remember you when you were young, vibrant and (let’s face it) much hotter.

Even at 40, I’m starting to feel this way! I’m like a different (sillier) person around my college friends than I am with people I’ve met as a full-fledged adult. It’s not about confidence per se. It’s just … different. They remember another version of you that doesn’t get to come out as much.

[googled]

Oof, that is tough. If I were in your shoes I’d start frantically setting her up with other men to distract 😅 Kidding, but it sounds like a new fling is the only thing that will get her off this path, which sucks. I wonder if reconnecting with a favorite hobby or picking up a new one would give her an appreciation for her own company?

I hope something changes, for both of y’all’s sake!

[krystee]

Is there a local senior singles group where she could meet both men and women? I feel like that would be best case scenario. Also, I vote for giving nice but bland man another chance. It sounds like she needs a stable and kind man more than a sexy but unavailable dude at this point in her life!

[HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan]

73 isn't elderly, Christ almighty.

And if my parent ever told me about their sex life I'd have to fake my own death and then leave town.

[Deleted]

I understand it hurts. But he has told her multiple times that he doesn't want to be with her. Why does she want to be with someone who doesn't want her? "Her last chance at happiness" is making me barf that her happiness is somehow tied up in a man. She needs to read "A mind at home with itself".

My mom is close to your moms age and she would slap me if I suggested a senior center... She dated on OurTime and found her fiance there. I said she didn't need to remarry before she even met this guy to be in a relationship and live together but here we are.

[Bad Dingo]

She sounds like she's obsessed with him and stalking him.

[somersault72]

Gosh this breaks my heart. He threatened to call the police on her if she came over but she's talking to him again? I don't even know her and it's hard to read how that has all unfolded, let alone when it's your own mom. I hope she can figure things out on her own and maybe even find a nice companion.

[egishere]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with that with her! I've been thru some of the same with my 73 yr old widower father. He has a girlfriend who he has been on and off with so many times it's nuts. I don't like her. She's one of those fake nice people. We all went to France together and I wanted to kill her the whole time. She sucks. They are off again right now but then I have to deal with him being depressed about it. ugh its a lot!

[7costanza]

Aug 2, 2023 6:51:41 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan said:

73 isn't elderly, Christ almighty.

And if my parent ever told me about their sex life I'd have to fake my own death and then leave town.

I agree 73 probably isn’t elderly, but I’m curious when do you think that starts? I think around 80? My mom and in laws both live in senior communities and the minimum age is 55 😳

Also, my dads gf once told me about his nightly porn watching habits and I wanted to die.

[starburst604]

Aug 2, 2023 11:13:19 GMT -5 7costanza said:

Aug 2, 2023 6:51:41 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan said:

73 isn't elderly, Christ almighty.

And if my parent ever told me about their sex life I'd have to fake my own death and then leave town.

I agree 73 probably isn’t elderly, but I’m curious when do you think that starts? I think around 80? My mom and in laws both live in senior communities and the minimum age is 55 😳

Also, my dads gf once told me about his nightly porn watching habits and I wanted to die.

MIL lives in a 55+ community and after visiting recently I said to H "In 7 years we would be eligible to live somewhere like that. Can you even imagine feeling remotely ready to be around that at 55?!" There's a lady who lives in a house by a stop sign and she writes down license plates of cars who don't stop to her satisfaction. When you drive by they all just stand and stare like you're an exotic animal just cruising by. MIL was yapping to us that she hoped we didn't drive too fast coming through there to her house. I cannot even with that place.

My mom is 73 but thankfully had her thirst phase after she divorced my dad. Not that it was great for my young teen self to see either. She swore off men and dating about 20 years ago and has been very happily single since. 

[MixedBerryJam]

Too bad pagas’ dad isn’t still around. Is he?

[BlondeSpiders]

Aug 2, 2023 11:13:19 GMT -5 7costanza said:

Aug 2, 2023 6:51:41 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan said:

73 isn't elderly, Christ almighty.

And if my parent ever told me about their sex life I'd have to fake my own death and then leave town.

I agree 73 probably isn’t elderly, but I’m curious when do you think that starts? I think around 80? My mom and in laws both live in senior communities and the minimum age is 55 😳

Also, my dads gf once told me about his nightly porn watching habits and I wanted to die.

Agreed, 73 doesn't have to be elderly. But she had 3 small strokes 9 years ago and her health has been steadily declining ever since. This was after a lifetime of being super healthy, so there's some grieving for a healthy body thrown in too. (Starting to feel that at 50 myself!) It's like she's aged 25 years in the last 9, for real.

I will also mention that I'm currently seeing a therapist and this comes up now and then. I feel pretty good about throwing up boundaries when they're needed, but she forgets. I just can't understand why anyone thinks it's normal to talk with your daughter about the great sex you just had? Or that some former fling is the "best lay you ever had?" I would sooner eat an entire wasps' nest before sharing that tidbit with my mother. Is this coming from the same part of the brain that makes old people talk about their ailments and illnesses constantly?

[yourmother]

OP - sorry if I missed it, but does she have any money to worry about?

That’s my biggest fear. That my divorced parents meet someone later in life and they get taken for their money.