Accepting the status quo?

[noodleoo]

Do you ever feel like you are sick of your life being boring?  I'm happy enough with the way my life is right now.  But I'm surrounded by people getting exciting new jobs and buying big new houses.  I think those specifically sting because I don't love my job, but it works for me right now because it is part time and gives me the flexibility I love for my kids/family.  I love our house, but since H and I both WFH now, it is feeling cramped and I desperately want more space.  But it is not an option because housing prices are still insane in my area, so even though I've been looking the last few months, I know the smart financial move is to stay in our good enough house with only 10 years left on a mortgage at 2.1%.  

Usually doing the analysis and realizing we're making the smart choice makes me feel better, but it isn't right now.  I desperately *want* something new to improve my life.  I kind of feel like it's a midlife crisis.  My 20s and 30s were exciting with new jobs, buying a house, getting married, having kids.  Now I'm in my 40s and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and all the big, exciting things are behind me.  How do I get myself out of this funk of feeling dissatisfied with what I have and jealous of others?  I feel like the more things change for everyone else, the more they stay the same for me. 

[starburst604]

Are there goals of your own not related to your job or home that you've put on the back burner? Like you, I like to have things to look forward to/goals and it's how I came to run marathons. I became a mom and life felt kind of hum-drum and I was like ok here's something I've always wanted to do, why not now? Now I have the project of decorating our house and seeing the yard come together. Not suggesting you should run a marathon of course, but is there something you used to dream of achieving that you could work toward? Do you keep your eyes open for another flexible PT job that might spark your interest more? Could you update/redecorate a room in your home to make it feel more fresh? Join a women's club or take a class of some kind?

[sunshineluv]

Have you read the book , the subtle art of not giving a fuck? It can help with some of these feelings. I have gone through stages of this and usually find if I have something to look forward to I am better off. (A trip, a concert, etc).

[mcmel]

No, but that’s because I have a lot of hobbies. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy?

[Susie]

I have a pretty big job which soaks up a lot of my time and energy, but it isn't what fulfills me.  For that I have an endless list of projects at home, landscaping that I'm redoing, rooms I'm decorating or improving, I grow a veggie garden every summer, I like to bake and would try new recipes/skills if I had more time.  I'm also currently training for my first half marathon in 9 years (also first since having kids).

I also find that "making smart choices" in the abstract doesn't feel very rewarding.  Have you talked to a financial advisor or made other more concrete plans to give you a stronger sense of how your current choices are directly impacting your future?  Maybe if you realized, e.g., how many years sooner you can retire with your current house vs. if you upgraded, that might give you greater satisfaction with your choices.

[waverly]

I've deliberately chosen to keep things the same, marriage, house, job, mostly for stability while I am raising the kids. And I do like all those things, but it is very boring to never have any changes. I am doing it specifically for the kids because it was something that I really appreciated when I was a kid. My job is fine. Not exciting, but it offers a pension and my health insurance and all that boring adult stuff.

Also, we really don't have the money to do fancy vacations or other things that people brag about on social media. I am happy with my life and even my friendships. If I dwell on the friendships and social stuff and see other people out and about doing all these fun things then I get pangs of jealousy seeing people go to concerts, vacations, and girl's weekends away and everything is "great" in their world. Or the family that goes to Disney 6 times a year no joke. I don't understand how everyone can afford all of that. Of course social media compounds that angle by showing you 40 family vacations all at the same time and many in Europe etc.

If the house is an issue, I do like the idea of re-doing a room maybe if it is your office. And just generally trying to make the space you are in work better for you. I don't necessarily need big and exciting but just to do something different every month.

[meanie]

Yes, all the time. We deliberately bought a smaller house that was affordable and would allow one of us to be unemployed without risking losing our shirts. It has served us well through leaner times and allowed my H to teach for 9 years making way less money than he did before. 

I have done some smaller things that make me happy to stay put - like putting in a large garden. I hope that someday I will be able to retire at a good age and putter around in my big glorious garden while living in my tiny but mortgage free house!

[noodleoo]

Aug 3, 2023 13:41:22 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Are there goals of your own not related to your job or home that you've put on the back burner? Like you, I like to have things to look forward to/goals and it's how I came to run marathons. I became a mom and life felt kind of hum-drum and I was like ok here's something I've always wanted to do, why not now? Now I have the project of decorating our house and seeing the yard come together. Not suggesting you should run a marathon of course, but is there something you used to dream of achieving that you could work toward? Do you keep your eyes open for another flexible PT job that might spark your interest more? Could you update/redecorate a room in your home to make it feel more fresh? Join a women's club or take a class of some kind?

I probably do need to set some goals.  I don't really have any hobbies, since having kids my focus is on them and the family (cooking, grocery shopping, managing appts, HW, etc, etc).  It is mostly invisible labor.  Once I do all that, I don't have energy for much else. I'm not even that good at it, my house is full of clutter which I keep meaning to deal with but never get around to.  I feel terrible too because I only work part time. I have friends who work full time with little kids and they manage to do so much more than I do.  I don't have a lot of motivation these days to start new projects since I never have the time or energy to finish them.

[sadlebred]

Even though I have hobbies, a few friends, a house, a grown up job, and such....sometimes I feel like I am in a rut. I haven't traveled in a few years b/c of my heart problems. I don't really have the money to travel like my friends. I have to admit that I get jealous sometimes. I feel like I'm half way buried in a hole and not getting out anytime soon b/c of my health issues.

[onomatopoeia]

I get in ruts like this at times and I try to reframe it. For example, you're where a lot of people of any age would love to be. You're where many people strive to be. You live (presumably) in a nice area and can afford your house, and your mortgage pay-off is in sight. You have a job that allows for family time and flexibility. New jobs and new houses sound exciting, but are also very stressful and not always without risk. "Boring" can really mean stable, which I think is a good thing (personally).

I don't mean to minimize your feelings because I totally get it. Volunteering, a new hobby (even if I suck at it or give it up quickly), planning a trip for next year, etc. Things that don't affect our stability but shake things up a bit, that what helps me if I'm feeling like I'm in a rut.

ETA: how old are your kids?  Mine are 14 and 17 and I tell you, there's a while new world opening up now that they can survive on their own and one has his license.   The rut of child care and is a LOT and once that lifts a bit, and the demands of driving them everywhere decrease, you get a lot more time to work on yourself and do things that excite you.

[loira]

Yes, I'm in a rut. I need to change jobs because I've grown out of my current role. I feel like I'll never be able to upgrade out of this condo because housing prices are insane here. And the price of everything just keeps going up. Even though my salary has gone up nearly $20k since I bought my place, I feel like I'm not making any more than I did 3 years ago.

[wildrice]

FWIW, I think this is super common! It IS a weird point in our lives where most of the "big" stuff has passed but there isn't really a new stage to look forward to. Retirement, I guess, but that's a couple of decades away.

Honestly my 20's and 30's had too many life changes so for now I am loving being settled. For the first time in my adult life I have a husband I am happy with, I live in a house that I own in a place that I want to live, and I'm working a job that while I don't love, I feel like is about the best I'm ever going to feel about work (I don't think there IS a job I will love). I'm more or less just hoping nothing changes for years to come! But ask me again in 5 or 10 years and I might be bored too.

For you, I know your job fits your life but maybe there is a different job that also would? Have you tried searching? There may be something out there that would scratch this itch without sacrificing the positives that you need right now.

[wanderingback]

Hmm, I think it’s normal even if I’ve never felt that way.
I guess I’ve always had low expectations haha, and just went with the flow of things. Never was excited about owning a house for example.
But I personally think there are certainly things to look forward to in one’s 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond.
Have you thought of any non house related or work related goals, hobbies, things that you can work towards or look forward to?

I think it’s ok to go with the status quo but if you feel like you’re in a rut there are certainly ways to still have things to look forward to. Hope you find a way to get what you’re looking for!

[lust2hart]

This might sound like a trite response, but it is sincere -

If you're active on social media, I recommend you deactivate for a while. I don't mean to minimize your feelings, but they are no doubt amplified by comparing your experience to others', and I wonder if you'll start to feel more content once you don't have everyone else's highlight reels in your face.

[ellipses84]

I’ve definitely felt like this and my solution is to plan a vacation. Having something to plan and look forward to really helps me get out of a funk. I recently heard of a study that said something like looking forward to a vacation” can be as positive for someone’s mental health as actually being on the vacation. This could be a family trip, visiting someone you miss, a friends weekend, a quiet weekend away to read and relax, it could be a year from now, etc. It doesn’t need to be an expensive, time consuming thing.

[dontlook]

Every day I remind myself that I have things I thought would be life changing that just weren’t. We built a new big house and filled it with kids and toys and now it’s just a home. The newness has worn off. I’ve worked everything from FT, PT, in the office, from home. I’m happiest at home. Whenever I start feeling like I should go back to work I remember all the things I didn’t work in our lives when I worked.

It’s like a daily practice to remind myself to be grateful. There is always a trade-off when you get or do something new. When I weigh the options I opt to stay in the boring.

[noodleoo]

Aug 3, 2023 14:21:04 GMT -5 onomatopoeia said:

I get in ruts like this at times and I try to reframe it. For example, you're where a lot of people of any age would love to be. You're where many people strive to be. You live (presumably) in a nice area and can afford your house, and your mortgage pay-off is in sight. You have a job that allows for family time and flexibility. New jobs and new houses sound exciting, but are also very stressful and not always without risk. "Boring" can really mean stable, which I think is a good thing (personally).

I don't mean to minimize your feelings because I totally get it. Volunteering, a new hobby (even if I suck at it or give it up quickly), planning a trip for next year, etc. Things that don't affect our stability but shake things up a bit, that what helps me if I'm feeling like I'm in a rut.

ETA: how old are your kids?  Mine are 14 and 17 and I tell you, there's a while new world opening up now that they can survive on their own and one has his license.   The rut of child care and is a LOT and once that lifts a bit, and the demands of driving them everywhere decrease, you get a lot more time to work on yourself and do things that excite you.

Thx all! I’m reading all your comments and they are helpful.

This is really good way to look at it and I know it’s true. When we first bought this house (14 years ago!) we felt like we hit the jackpot. It’s really great in a lot of ways. Which is also why thinking about moving is so hard, we love our neighborhood and don’t want to leave it. Same with my job, I have looked and unfortunately my job is kind of a unicorn in terms of paying well, being part time and mostly remote. I’d have to give up one of those things and I don’t want to! But I don’t love it. This post was prompted by finding a job I was pretty excited about except it’s full time and when I started updating my resume to apply, I realized I don’t really want to work full time yet. I decided not to apply. DD2 has one more year before K and I really love the time I spend with her. I think that’s my problem, I want everything and I’m disappointed I can’t have it all at once!

Kids are 4.5 and 8 so while they are much easier now than a few years ago, we’re still in the thick of it. Perhaps just realizing things will change a lot in a few years will help.

I should probably take a break from social media too. I feel like I always get depressed in the summer, probably from comparing myself to everyone who is doing amazing trips, etc.

[sdlaura]

We bought our house over 12 years ago when it was just DH and me, and now we have four kids and are still living in the same house. I also have had the same job for 15 years (luckily with increasing responsibility/seniority.

House wise I would love more space but we have made a lot of things in this house work for our family - and I won’t give up the ease of the location for our kids’ schools. Building an ADU in the backyard was a nice improvement that gave us more space without moving.

But really the stuff that makes my life exciting isn’t the house or job. It’s travel and doing fun stuff with our family and friends. And we can do way more of that in our current low mortgage house then we could if we had a bigger/fancier house that required more maintenance. Also can do more of that stuff given that I’ve been in my job a long time and I’m not trying to prove myself/not take time off like I would be in a new job.

I do know that I always like to be on vacation during July 4th week though. Mainly because I can take 3-4 days off work and take a 9-day vacation including weekends. But also because otherwise I do get jealous of other people doing fun things that week when I’d rather be on vacation

[cville]

**whispers**

This is what a midlife crisis IS. Very common. Very normal. Therapy helps.

[emilyinchile]

I don't feel like my life is boring necessarily in the way you're talking about, but I can relate to choosing not to work a ton in order to have more time with my son and still feeling like I'm barely keeping it together sometimes. That has been super hard for me because I never in a million years imagined I'd essentially SAH for a year (thanks, pandemic) or that I'd do anything other than crush it professionally while also being a mom. I have mostly managed to reframe to feeling lucky that I have the choice and remembering that I don't actually *want* to work more/harder right now because I have a different priority for this one specific season of life, but in our society and having grown up as an overachiever it's often hard not to have that job-related success as a defining characteristic right now. It sounds like that's a factor for you too, so I thought I'd share that you're definitely not alone.

[MixedBerryJam]

Aug 3, 2023 15:21:22 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

This might sound like a trite response, but it is sincere -

If you're active on social media, I recommend you deactivate for a while. I don't mean to minimize your feelings, but they are no doubt amplified by comparing your experience to others', and I wonder if you'll start to feel more content once you don't have everyone else's highlight reels in your face.

I know I need to do this but I don’t know how. I’m also 67 so when we talk about the future  aka 40s, 50s 60s and beyond I start feeling … mortal.  Certainly all my major accomplishments that are going to be accomplished have been done! I’m also dealing with a minor-ish but nonetheless persistent and disruptive medical thing that I just can’t seem to get a handle on so my entire day is spent internally rating my discomfort on a 1-10 scale but it my head literally starts its calculations and what ifs before I’m even out of bed and it’s just demoralizing.  ETA I don’t mean to sound quite as pathetic as it does.  I have very few regrets about decisions I’ve made and I honestly can’t think of a person I’d want to change places with and that’s truly what I want to be able to say at the end of my life.  Also, my persistent problem is nausea and the only thing that helps is edibles so there’s that. 

[litebright]

Personally, I found that volunteering really helped me feel happier about almost everything else in my life. But IMO it has to be something you commit some consistent time & effort to, because the amount of time involved directly correlates to the relationships & satisfaction you build, IME. I was pretty unhappy with the status quo of my life in the sense of feeling disconnected/not part of a community coming out of covid, and none of the pre-pandemic efforts I'd made to form local connections had worked (neighbors, church, small gym, etc.) I WFH so I am pretty isolated and I was in a pretty dismal place mentally at times because of it.

So I volunteered for the PTO at my kids' middle school. Even that was meh at first, I didn't really connect with the existing board members. Then I took responsibility for pulling off their theater productions. I was a theater minor in college and I missed having theater in my life. Now? I would be totally happy to work behind the scenes on middle school theater for the rest of my life, lol (no joke, I told DH my dream retirement project would now be a production company to support K-12 public school theater). I met a whole group of parents who ARE my people and now I have a ton of new friends and social connections, I can hardly go anywhere locally without running into people I know. I developed great relationships at the school and with many of the kids; my own kids also participated and love it and take every opportunity (with or without me involved) to do more of it. We have actual family friends that we get together with that I met this way, where our kids are friends and we're friends with the parents.

Having a creative & social outlet that I truly enjoy and that makes a difference (the school would have no theater program if the PTO didn't fund & run it) has made a huge difference in my level of personal satisfaction. It's a time suck and stressful at times, but overall I feel like my life is way more balanced because I have something other than work & family that I look forward to and contribute to.

[sonrisa]

I feel you on the rut thing.

I find it useful to keep perspective. Most people compare up - to those who are like them but have a few things going ‘better’ instead of the many people who are like them but having a harder time. if you are in a rut, that means things are going okay. It means you aren’t dealing with one of the big set backs and devastations that happen in every life. Enjoy the dog that isn’t barking.

[mrspez07]

I go through this a lot, and I especially do it when I’m not very busy at work. I think about leaving my job, etc, but I stay because it’s low pressure and the flexibility of it allows me to be at home and at my kids activities. I am likely not keeping up with my peers on pay or challenging projects. Doesn’t mean I have to stay, it just means if I go I need to find something that will check the same boxes. And around and around I go!

Could you do some remodeling on your current house, or even just some small upgrades like paint or furniture to make you feel more satisfied? Backyard space to enjoy your work breaks? Doesn’t have to specifically relate to your current frustrations, but looking forward to something helps.
What about a big vacation?
Of course, all of these are $ things, but it sounds like maybe $ isn’t the limiter here?

[mrspez07]

I also think I’m your 40s you start to settle into things, the drive to climb up professionally slows, either because you are where you want to be or things are comfortable. I also struggled with realizing I am not going to change the world, I am not going to be world-renowned at something, I am average. But I am going to be a good friend, wife and mother, and while that isn’t impactful on a global or national scale, it is in my community and family.

[wanderlustmom]

I have felt that way before and it was hard because DH didn’t understand, he’s a much more concrete person. I am deep thinker, deep feeler, highly sensitive person and I hear you on not wanting to move for financial reasons and seeing people with nicer homes. I also work part time which is sometimes the worst of both worlds LOL. I don’t make enough to let it feel like it “really counts” financially. I also don’t have tons of flexibility and I miss some things with the kids. Your feelings are valid and you can figure out how to best manage those feelings. For me, they happened most about 40 when my kids were 10 and 8. Then about 45, I hit some harder things in my life. I am getting close to 50 now, perimenopausal, grieving my moms death and raising teens. Oddly, I am happier now and more settled. I am grateful for my part time job. Therapy helped me and really nurturing my positive friendships. I found some new hobbies. I think seeing how bad life can be helped me live more in the now. Also I have definitely noticed less people seem to care about status and wealth the older I get. I remember people in my 30s were often talking about this trip or that, this remodel or that. Now it seems like we all just are there without comparing. Sorry to go on, just my observations. I wish you peace. I remember when I felt that inertia and restlessness and I’m sure I’ll have it again

[erbear]

Aug 3, 2023 15:42:12 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Aug 3, 2023 14:21:04 GMT -5 onomatopoeia said:

I get in ruts like this at times and I try to reframe it. For example, you're where a lot of people of any age would love to be. You're where many people strive to be. You live (presumably) in a nice area and can afford your house, and your mortgage pay-off is in sight. You have a job that allows for family time and flexibility. New jobs and new houses sound exciting, but are also very stressful and not always without risk. "Boring" can really mean stable, which I think is a good thing (personally).

I don't mean to minimize your feelings because I totally get it. Volunteering, a new hobby (even if I suck at it or give it up quickly), planning a trip for next year, etc. Things that don't affect our stability but shake things up a bit, that what helps me if I'm feeling like I'm in a rut.

ETA: how old are your kids?  Mine are 14 and 17 and I tell you, there's a while new world opening up now that they can survive on their own and one has his license.   The rut of child care and is a LOT and once that lifts a bit, and the demands of driving them everywhere decrease, you get a lot more time to work on yourself and do things that excite you.

Thx all! I’m reading all your comments and they are helpful.

This is really good way to look at it and I know it’s true. When we first bought this house (14 years ago!) we felt like we hit the jackpot. It’s really great in a lot of ways. Which is also why thinking about moving is so hard, we love our neighborhood and don’t want to leave it. Same with my job, I have looked and unfortunately my job is kind of a unicorn in terms of paying well, being part time and mostly remote. I’d have to give up one of those things and I don’t want to! But I don’t love it. This post was prompted by finding a job I was pretty excited about except it’s full time and when I started updating my resume to apply, I realized I don’t really want to work full time yet. I decided not to apply. DD2 has one more year before K and I really love the time I spend with her. I think that’s my problem, I want everything and I’m disappointed I can’t have it all at once!

Kids are 4.5 and 8 so while they are much easier now than a few years ago, we’re still in the thick of it. Perhaps just realizing things will change a lot in a few years will help.

I should probably take a break from social media too. I feel like I always get depressed in the summer, probably from comparing myself to everyone who is doing amazing trips, etc.

Not minimizing at all but you are in the thick of the survival years with kids. I was desperately unhappy with my job and my life 5-7 years ago. All that has changed in my kids are now 12 and 14 (same job, same house, same spouse) and I'm so much happier because I finally have time to myself again (even if I'm not doing anything, which I often am not...I can sit on my hammock and read for 3 hours).

[waverly]

I don't meant to jump on the bandwagon, but yeah the constant worry about childcare was a lot for me. It has eased so much since my kids are 10 and 12 (almost 13) and DH works from home. That will change when he goes back to the office, but they are still old enough not to go to aftercare anymore, and next summer they will be home alone all day and it will probably be fine for them because the oldest will be almost 14 and the youngest is 11.

I just got back so much time to myself and even if a kid wants me to do something, yes they can be annoying about it, but it is MY choice whether I participate in the activity rather than this is a necessary task for childcare. Now, are tasks still necessary sure, but now my kids cook, and I can send them to make me a meal!

[krystee]

I have always been someone who likes to look forward to things, so the two things I have focused on to keep my 40s interesting and fun are friendships and travel. The travel can be small, like a road trip to a town two hours away. I just need to see new things. Typically we do one big family trip and a few small ones.

For friendships, I joined a moms group (it’s actually through the church I attend very occasionally, but it’s a very liberal progressive church, so it works for me), started a book club, and arranged quarterly happy hours for birthdays with my work team (we are friends outside of work too). I also sit out and chat with a neighbor, asked some moms from daycare to hang out, etc. I went all in on any possible friend group, with the idea that some would work out and some didn’t, and that is exactly what happened. I am very happy with that part of my life right now.

I also like to feel like I have a meaningful purpose, so I’m thinking of finding some family-friendly volunteer opportunities with my kids.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I got divorced at 39 with a 4yo ... life hasn't been the same since BUT since she's become a teenager, things have gotten easier in that childcare is NOT something I worry about. It was hard from 4y-11y but it got easier at 11 bc I was able to leave her alone so I could take of me. It's been a gamechanger.