Getting rid of stuff you feel guilty about

[kitchenreno]

I'm in a decluttering mode, as is DD who is headed off to college soon.  She has SO MUCH stuff in her room that is barely worn/used/etc.  She is working hard to clean it all out, which I very much appreciate it.  At the same time, I'm struggling because I see so much waste.  Clothes I bought that she barely wore, makeup or beauty products that are likely expired and she just doesn't intend to use.  So many phases of her life piled up - like the lip balm phase, the home manicure phase, the adult coloring book phase, where I clearly went overboard buying stuff.  I will certainly donate  items in decent shape, but I just feel so gross about all the waste.

I know hanging on to the stuff doesn't make it any less wasteful but i would love any tips or mindset-framing you have for forgiving your past mistakes and moving on from the excess.  As I help her pack up this stuff I am feeling unsettled about the wasted money (even if it was spent years ago)

I'm way more frugal and discretionary with spending on myself than I am for the kids

[Roc A Bee]

Do you have a younger niece or friend who you can give some of stuff that is in good condition but probably not eligible for donation? I have a coworker with a younger daughter who loves to take stuff my kids are over.

[eddy]

Just get rid of it. Keeping it is toxic. It will be better used by someone else. This is what I tell myself.

I think you just let it go. Like you said, money spent a long time ago. She was a young woman figuring stuff out. Not everything you bought was loved. I think that is part of growing up. She was just finding herself.

[sakoro]

Post it on your local “buy nothing” site and know that someone else will get enjoyment.

[noodleoo]

Ugh I can so relate to this. I don’t really have any advice but I feel the same way. Logically I know it’s sunk cost and I can’t recoup the money. But I have a hard time donating or tossing stuff that I feel like is a waste of money. I think it’s due to growing up in a very frugal household, I was made to feel guilty of any “waste” and my parents were pretty cheap. I have a lot of baby stuff that I keep thinking I can sell and get some money back, but honestly it’s probably not worth the effort.

So I’m following for advice too.

[VillainV]

If you have an active BST site, you can try selling some of the items for garage-sale prices. In my neighborhood even toiletries will go for fee or maybe $1 so people can try a new product before they spend their own money on it. If she’s going to college, you can let her keep the money as a reward for purging stuff. This way at least it’s not going in the landfill (yet) and might get used, or stop someone else from making a needless purchase.

As for how to stop, I’m trying hard to do the same thing. One-in-one-out helps some, but it’s still something I struggle with.

[jinkies]

I am really bad about returns, and too often miss the window on things and end up with brand new clothes that we never wore.

I donate all our clothes to a thrift shop that benefits a local women's shelter. They also allow their clients impacted by domestic violence to shop from there for free.

So I think about people being excited to find brand new with tags items, and consider it a donation to their new lives. It helps me to know that someone local is benefitting so I donate there instead of purple heart or generic clothing drives.

Idk. I still feel guilty at the money I waste. But if I add all that money up and think about having donated it to the women's shelter, it helps me feel better about it.

[goldengirlz]

It’s waste, yes, but at one point, it was an expression of love. You bought the items because you care. Presumably at least some of the items hold happy memories. Try to remember those instead of the guilt/disgust you feel now.

Since what’s done is done, I’d reframe it not as “waste” but as part of the story of her childhood/growing up. Donate what you can and toss the rest.

[dexteroni]

I think the best lesson you can take from this is to buy less stuff going forward. Maybe experiences can replace some physical items.

As for what you’ve bought in the past, there isn’t a lot you can do but rehome it all as responsibly as possible. You could try to sell anything that has retained value, donate as thoughtfully as you can, and recycle materials whenever possible.

ETA: You did specify that it was you who went overboard buying, so maybe think about what psychological factors were behind that. Are gifts your love language? Did you feel like you lacked in giving her something in her childhood and made up for it with gifts? Did you grow up without a lot so you’re giving her the abundance you wish you had? Figuring out where a bothersome behavior came from is a good start to curbing it.

[wanderingback]

Reuse and rehome as much as possible. No point in keeping waste. Then, can be mindful going forward.

[kitchenreno]

Aug 18, 2023 17:57:16 GMT -5 goldengirlz said:

It’s waste, yes, but at one point, it was an expression of love. You bought the items because you care. Presumably at least some of the items hold happy memories. Try to remember those instead of the guilt/disgust you feel now.

Since what’s done is done, I’d reframe it not as “waste” but as part of the story of her childhood/growing up. Donate what you can and toss the rest.

THANK YOU!  This is exactly the kind of advice I was hoping for (although I didn't know exactly what I expected/wanted to hear)! 


I know the practical stuff of how to make her things available to someone else, but looking at it as an expression of love, at a period in her life, is perfect.  That is 100% what it was.  She loved these things in those moments, and I could afford to buy them for her to make her happy, and so I did.  I will try to remember that sentiment as I pass the items along. 

[kitchenreno]

Aug 18, 2023 17:55:42 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I am really bad about returns, and too often miss the window on things and end up with brand new clothes that we never wore.

I donate all our clothes to a thrift shop that benefits a local women's shelter. They also allow their clients impacted by domestic violence to shop from there for free.

So I think about people being excited to find brand new with tags items, and consider it a donation to their new lives. It helps me to know that someone local is benefitting so I donate there instead of purple heart or generic clothing drives.

Idk. I still feel guilty at the money I waste. But if I add all that money up and think about having donated it to the women's shelter, it helps me feel better about it.

That's super helpful.  Considering it a donation vs money "sunk" is great

[kitchenreno]

Aug 18, 2023 18:03:16 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

I think the best lesson you can take from this is to buy less stuff going forward. Maybe experiences can replace some physical items.

As for what you’ve bought in the past, there isn’t a lot you can do but rehome it all as responsibly as possible. You could try to sell anything that has retained value, donate as thoughtfully as you can, and recycle materials whenever possible.

ETA: You did specify that it was you who went overboard buying, so maybe think about what psychological factors were behind that. Are gifts your love language? Did you feel like you lacked in giving her something in her childhood and made up for it with gifts? Did you grow up without a lot so you’re giving her the abundance you wish you had? Figuring out where a bothersome behavior came from is a good start to curbing it.

All good questions.  I think a lot of it was purchased by me, but even if not it was condoned by me in the sense that I told friends/family she wanted these things for birthdays or holidays.  

[polarbearfans]

Offer up stuff on the freebie groups and sell the nicer stuff. Even used workbooks/coloring books found new homes when I was decluttering. Other parents were happy to get the books free for the unused pages because like my child they are unlikely to use the whole book up.

I am working on buying less, and my daughter asks for less since she knows it means we have more money for other stuff like travel.

[lilac05]

I think it was Marie Kondo that said EVERYTHING you own has a purpose. Sometimes it’s to be used and enjoyed as intended. Sometimes it’s a reminder of a person or phase in your life. And sometimes the purpose is to teach you that you don’t actually love holey jeans/orange shirts/whatever as much as you like the idea of them. And for me, sometimes it means having excess of something so I can pass it along to someone else in new condition, in turn making their day. That’s not necessarily a bad thing…it is what it is. She suggests you thank the idea for serving its purpose, and release it.

Having guilt over what’s done serves no purpose. Find a way to pass the items along that gives you peace/joy and move on. Sometimes that means a women’s shelter or other charity program, and other times, it means taking a minute to post on Buy Nothing so you know it’s going to someone who truly wants your item. For me, I’m a weirdo who likes having garage sales, so I have them, but donate all of the money to something I love. (Bonus: It keeps the haggling down!)

I’m buried in brand new or minimally stuff here, and I’m working through all of this, too.

[sadlebred]

Could she take some of the inseason in good condition clothes to a resale shop? Maybe make a few dollars? Donate/give away the rest. Donate to the local animal shelter thrift store (we have several in my large city)? Or something like that.

[livinitup]

I feel your pain !

I stumbled on this method by accident but it was the best thing when I had to de-clutter during DD’s transitions and even my own stuff. I put my headphones on, scrolled through some YouTube videos on de-cluttering and listened as I cleaned. It is very inspiring and motivating. It’s kinda like body-doubling.

Then the whole Marie Kondo thing hit and that was great, too. My H and I still joke, “Thank you, goodbye.” when we toss stuff. It’s silly but its simple and helps, too.

There are some great stuff out there. I randomly found a few favorites. It really helps to get through the work of it all. I also listened to some minimalists, too. That’s a bit MORE than my goal but great motivation.

[meanie]

It gets easier the more you do it. I like to watch minimalist YouTube channels to kickstart that decluttering bug.

[sonrisa]

Aug 18, 2023 18:12:40 GMT -5 kitchenreno said:

Aug 18, 2023 17:57:16 GMT -5 goldengirlz said:

It’s waste, yes, but at one point, it was an expression of love. You bought the items because you care. Presumably at least some of the items hold happy memories. Try to remember those instead of the guilt/disgust you feel now.

Since what’s done is done, I’d reframe it not as “waste” but as part of the story of her childhood/growing up. Donate what you can and toss the rest.

THANK YOU!  This is exactly the kind of advice I was hoping for (although I didn't know exactly what I expected/wanted to hear)! 


I know the practical stuff of how to make her things available to someone else, but looking at it as an expression of love, at a period in her life, is perfect.  That is 100% what it was.  She loved these things in those moments, and I could afford to buy them for her to make her happy, and so I did.  I will try to remember that sentiment as I pass the items along. 

This was exactly my thought. Your child was busy finding herself. And every step of the way you were right there beside her helping her enjoy that phase. She won't remember the 47 nail polishes you toss in the trash / send to goodwill. But she will remember that mom always got excited with her instead of holding back until she found the perfect fit.

I know I've held off on things that seemed silly or overpriced because it seemed like a passing phase, only to regret later not spending a little more on my kid's happiness rather than looking at things objectively. 

[basilosaurus]

She's the one doing this process, yes? So she might learn to be more thoughtful in future purchases. A good lesson learned

I thought this was going to be about heirlooms that aren't your style, not lip gloss.

Yes, waste is bad, but it's not terrible you indulged a growing child's interests however short lived they might have been.

I do agree with posting on a buy nothing site. I'm sure I made more than a few happy Christmases when I got rid of partner's worthless baseball cards (one mom actually cried in gratitude which felt weird, but she was poor, this was free, I heard her whole story at the mcd parking lot). I've even gotten rid of my many license plates from moving so often that way. A neighbors grandson was really into collecting them apparently.

Maybe a young child wants to play with expired makeup. If it's not dangerous, what's the harm? And I say this as someone who so rarely wears makeup some of my stuff is years old, and no harm yet. I'm not preaching what I don't practice!

[mcppalmbeach]

I have always been a donator, but lately I’ve been packaging up kids clothes and selling them for like $20 a bundle, usually $1 a piece or less. I hand the money to my teenager to go out with or for random school crap that they need cash for so I don’t need to make a cash withdrawal. It does make me feel better about “wasting money.” I still donate a lot and do buy nothing.

[isabel]

Offer it up on a buy nothing group. People will be so grateful. It feels really good to know that somebody else is going to get use out of it and seeing their appreciation really helps.

[egeiger]

The experience of shopping and choosing items was valuable to my mental health. Gift giving is my love language and those trips were sometimes my only self care time when my daughter was young.

The purpose of the clothes isn’t just how often they are or aren’t worn sometimes.

I found a local family that was doing a big yard sale and collecting donations, all proceeds to go toward their adoption fund. It gave me an outlet to donate everything and still get more joy.

And, I am loving the empty clean space I see every day instead of stressing about the value of the stuff. The mental payout has been priceless.