Is this group text a bad idea? And wording help if it’s not

[fangoriagurkel]

I’m close to 3 local cousins and 3 out of state cousins. Our Grandmother will be 95 in a few months and lives alone. She quit driving about a year and is now rarely leaves the house.

She’s in excellent health, fiercely independent (just accepted having a house cleaner, still cooks, knows all the FB gossip, only takes one Rx and it’s for cholesterol, etc…) and is getting a bit forgetful / repeating herself but is still extremely sharp.

My mother and one aunt try to visit weekly, so she has something to look forward to twice weekly. One uncle lives one state away and tries to visit for about a week roughly every 6-8 weeks and she loves that.

Because I am single and child free, I visit for 3-4 days once a month and it’s an arrangement that she loves. We watch old movies, I take over all the cooking and laundry, etc… She tells me daily how much she enjoys the company, etc…

None of the other 6 grandchildren call her. Maybe 1-2x monthly, sometimes not even that though we all have a great relationship with her.

I really want to start a group text asking them if they’d be interested in calling her on some sort of regular schedule. Like maybe every other Tues, someone else calls every Sunday, etc… How do I word this so I don’t come off as bossy or make it sound like a guilt trip?

Or should I just let it be? Is there any way this can blow up in my face? Would you possibly be offended if you were included in this group text? I know we’re all adults and can choose who in our family we’re close to, but I’m not sure they know the depth of her decline and increased loneliness since she’s stopped driving.

I want to frame it as just an idea I’m floating, a gentle reminder to call since hearing from anyone is the highlight is of her day. What would you convey that?

[deadwing]

Personally, I wouldn't. Out of six cousins, I'd be surprised if more than 1 was receptive. The rest I'd guess would either roll their eyes and ignore or be actively offended. You're a good grandchild to out so much effort into your relationship with your grandmother.

[madringal]

Nope, I wouldn't go there at all. Someone is going to feel like they are being guilted. Someone is going to not be able to keep up that commitment that they made to go see grandma and then someone is going to accuse someone of not holding up their end of the deal. Just operate under the assumption that they are all doing their best. Maybe they can't go visit, but maybe they Skype her, send care packages, help their parents so that they parents can visit, etc.

[momof2]

I think this kind of text has great potential to come off as sanctimonious to at least one person. I would not do this.

If you are actually “close” to three of these people, then the next time you are with them in person or on the phone, just mention that grandma loves calls and visits if they happen to be able to do it. And then, let it go. People have the right to decide how they want to navigate family relationships.

[fangoriagurkel]

madringal This would be for calling only, I would never ask anyone to visit but I get what you mean. I’m glad I asked opinions here first.

[dexteroni]

Telling them to call more often and assigning a schedule, no absolutely not. But if you have a good relationship with all of the cousins, I think it would be ok to mention how much she loves it when the grandkids call, and that if they were thinking about calling, it would make her day. But I wouldn’t do it in a group text; no matter how nicely you word it, it will still sound like a scolding. Just mention it whenever you talk to each of them.

[SusanBAnthony]

I think it depends on the relationships.

If my one local cousin texted me that my grandpa who she visited a lot would appreciate phone calls, I'd think "oh thanks for reminding me, I should call him".

[wanderingback]

No I wouldn’t make a schedule. If you’re close to them I’d just bring it up in conversation in regards to grandma looks forward to my calls and visits, do you have any interest in calling more regularly? Research has shown that older people that have connections live longer with a better quality of life. But no I would not do a group text suggesting that someone needs to call her every Tuesday.

[ECB]

The closest thing I’d do is give a general update for those who may not really know how her life has changed and that she’s more homebound.

I agree that to push them to call - it could rub them the wrong way. But if some of them - especially those that aren’t local - may not fully realize her situation, they may appreciate an update.

But it’s not your place to dictate the relationship they should have with her.

[sarahsays]

For the reasons already stated, I would not send such a text. I think it would be fine to mention she looks forward to calls if the opportunity arises.

I would also look into other activities for her to help her get out and be less lonely. Where I live, there are transportation options to take older folks to various services and events for seniors.

[bee20]

Maybe making a shared family calendar of when people are visiting and mention folks are also welcome to sign up for phone call slots where there aren't visitors? I always feel like phone calls are sort of disruptive and so am concerned that the person I'm calling might be busy and not want to say so.  If I can see on the family calendar nobody is visiting this week I would try to do a quick call at some point.

[momin2013]

Nope, I would not do this. Keep up the calling/visiting, as I think that’s great, but trying to even suggest what others should do in this regard is overstepping, IMO.

[minzy]

What about trying to involve them in the planning of a 95th bday party? And then see what if anything comes from that?

[rooster222]

I was always the closest with my grandparents too. My cousins would not have been receptive to this at all. At best, after one calls you could text and say how grandma just loved hearing from them and how she said it made her day, etc... Then the cousin knows how appreciated it is and will maybe do it more.

[VillainV]

I probably wouldn’t, but I’m a person who hates phone calls. I’d maybe mention that she really looks forward to visits and communication, but I’d stop short of suggesting more phone calls unless it’s in a one-on-one convo with a cousin I’m very close to. Cards, letters, FB messages, memes/texts are also valid ways of communicating, and maybe they’re already doing some combination of these.

[ECB]

Actually - In rereading your OP, you say “none of the others call”, but then say “maybe 1-2x a month” and that they all have a great relationship with her.

So … it sounds like they DO reach out. It may not be as often as you, but it sounds like they all have a relationship with her on some level. It may not be as close/often as yours, but that’s ok.

[dexteroni]

Sept 24, 2023 11:51:50 GMT -5 VillainV said:

Cards, letters, FB messages, memes/texts are also valid ways of communicating, and maybe they’re already doing some combination of these.

Good point! It doesn’t have to be a call, and people are far more likely to send a text or FB message than make a phone call.

[icedcoffee]

Don’t do this. This would piss me off so badly.

[maudefindlay]

1 to 2x monthly phone calls to a grandma sounds fine. That's probably how often I called my late grandma when I was an adult out on my own.

[Nonny]

It's not your job or place to police your cousins' relationship with your grandma. If they are calling 1-2x a month that is what works for them, just like visiting is what works for you. Eyes on your own paper.

[macmars45]

I wouldn't write that group text.

My four sisters and I have 6 maternal cousins. We have never reached out to any of them about keeping in contact with our grandma who has dementia. In the past when our mom and dad snowbird us siblings have made a calling schedule. Now grandma's dementia is so bad that phone calls are a no go. We are the only grandkids that visit on a regular or semi regular basis. All our cousins are either local or within a few hours drive. It is what it is.

[fernweh]

I wouldn’t. If they wanted to make the effort to see/call they would.
I personally don’t have a close relationship with my grandmother. She lives maybe 10 miles from me and I see her 1-2 times a year at most and rarely call.
I have my reasons for not putting in a great amount of effort to our relationship and I wouldn’t take kindly if my cousin who does have a close relationship made a schedule for me to call her.

[rosiebear]

This is the exact text I got after my dad passed and one of my sisters wanted to “assign” each of us a day of the week to call our mom. Absolutely not. I get to decide the relationship I want and how much time & effort I wish to expend and it’s nobody’s business.

Assume everyone is doing their best, as another poster said. This is not your call to make. I appreciate your good intentions and your willingness to listen to the responses you’ve received.

[mcppalmbeach]

Sept 24, 2023 11:35:27 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

I think it depends on the relationships.

If my one local cousin texted me that my grandpa who she visited a lot would appreciate phone calls, I'd think "oh thanks for reminding me, I should call him".

I hate being guilted, but I think I feel the same as you. My grandparents are all gone and I’m not that close to my cousins. But if when my grandparents were living one of them had texted us and said “hey, do you think grandma seems a little lonely? How would you feel about doing some kind of call sign up genius so we know she’s talking to one of us weekly?” I would not be offended by that. I wouldn’t want to be hounded by it or made to feel guilty if I didn’t participate or forgot to call, but I can’t imagine what I put would cause hard feelings.

This morning on Facebook someone I know visited a very elderly relative and posted a sweet message that she wished she had visited this person more when she was busy with babies and life so I am speaking from that place. My grandad was one of my favorite people on this earth. He died when I was 19 and away at college. I spoke to him while I was away, but if I could go back and have someone nudge me to call more, boy would I ever.

[tacokick]

I would just maybe mention if and when you talk to them in sort of a “Grandma loves it when you guys call! She tells me all about it” way and see how that goes. Maybe they think she has so many visitors between you, your mom and aunt she doesn’t care about phone calls.

[HRH Queen Dick I]

That you would even entertain the notion of shaming them into calling more than they already do is such a red flag.

You think you're close with them but I'm willing to bet they don't feel the same way.

[rhian]

So I'll dissent. Maybe I just feel for Grandma (my own grandma is 100 and also quite lonely!), but assuming you have a decent relationship with your cousins, I'd send a text, but in a way that doesn't come across as guilting, and without the schedule suggestion, which I think is kind of patronizing. Could you say something like, "My mom let me know that Grandma has been a little lonely since she stopped driving and isn't able to go out as much. She thought that Grandma might enjoy hearing from the grandkids, so I'm going to try to call her a little more often. Thought I'd just pass along the message so you're all aware and can give Grandma a call when you're able!" Then it comes across as a message to all the grandchildren (you included) vs. the best grandchild lecturing/shaming the others.

[fangoriagurkel]

Sept 24, 2023 13:52:25 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I said:

That you would even entertain the notion of shaming them into calling more than they already do is such a red flag.

You think you're close with them but I'm willing to bet they don't feel the same way.

I never thought of it like that. Shame and guilt were feelings that I was trying to avoid implying, but I think I might be conflating “updating / relaying current status” with coming across as a sanctimonious bitch.

I’m so glad I looked before I leapt!

[circa1978]

I don't think it is unusual for grandchildren to have different levels of contact with their grandparents. You have a special relationship with her and I would enjoy that without trying to have others do exactly as you are.

[jennistarr1]

I think your best option is to plan things to bring everyone together. I don't think you are going to motivate individual contact but they may tag along on something else