husband vent

[dglvrk2]

So I'm probably totally overreacting/overthinking this and need to get it off my chest. 

H has been at a conference in Las Vegas this week for work. I've had to flex my hours at work to get the kids to school in the morning, which is usually his responsibility because he WFH and has much more flexible hours than I do. September and October are H's heavy travel times for work. I've had to flex my hours at work a lot and ask other parents for help with driving to accommodate at Ds' schedules while he's out of town. Fine. My boss has been really supportive so far, but mentioned I'll have to start taking PN time moving forward when I have to work different hours for child responsibilities.  In my industry, this is fair. 

I've also had to flex my hours a lot for the past 8 weeks or so for doctors appointments for myself and DD1, adding to time away that usually requires PN time, not a flex in working hours. Again, I've received a lot of support for this. 

I've been in a work slump for a few weeks. There has not been much meaningful work for me to do.  I've been trying to come up with ideas and have started a few small projects with my boss's approval.  One of the major projects that I was working last spring got halted for understandable reasons, but we're not restarting it. It is still a blow to my ego...  Also, a peer of mine who is new to the group gets to lead two new projects while I've gotten no such offers.  I see why she was put in charge of these, but still  :(Bottom line, I need to advocate for myself more and really shine right now.

here's my current issue: H texted me last night around 11, when I was about to go to sleep.  He explained his mom is having a laminectomy (spinal surgery) this Thursday in the large metro area where we used to live.  He wants all of us to play "hooky" on Friday from work so we can visit his parents after the surgery and see old friends.  BUT we need to be back home Saturday night so HE can go his ski patrol training on Sunday while I solo parent, for the seventh Sunday in a row. (Most Saturdays I'm on my own with the kids too.)

Translation to seeing friends: we go to a beer garden that only serves beer. (Our main crew of friends is planning to do this on Friday night anyway,) I don't drink beer and am not much of a drinker.  He drinks with friends, cops a great buzz. I watch the kids.  
Translation to seeing parents: he helps his mom, which is probably necessary.  FIL barks at the kids or ignores everyone and I manage the kids.
Translation to playing hooky: kids miss a day of school.  H gets a day off work.  I get another demerit (I know this is only in my mind) for not being where I should be.

No, I'm not upending my schedule to accommodate him, again. He needs to stay home Friday at least until the kids get to school.  Then he can go do whatever, wherever. 

Grrr.....Thanks for letting me vent

ETA: the metro area where we used to live is 4-5 hours away by car from our current home. DD1 has a big gymnastics event she shouldn't miss next Saturday & Sunday. Check your /our calendar, H

[campermom]

Why was your first sentence that you’re probably overreacting? I’m saying that w compassion and kindness, not snark.

[dglvrk2]

campermom, this situation is pissing me off SO MUCH. Way more than these types of asks typically do. Hence, I think I'm overreacting and, nevertheless, mad. H has asked for us to take days off work on short notice on countless occasions in the 20+ years we've been together. He knows I'm not in a position to do so. My work protocol is to request personal non-emergency days off at least two weeks in advance. Fair enough.

Between feeling underutilized at work and not appreciated at home, this ask was rubbing salt in a proverbial wound last night.

[campermom]

Right—your post was 100 percent pissed off-worthy which is why it made me sad for you, to see you think these feelings are an overreaction.

What is his response when you communicate how hard these asks are for you to do? Like the taking time off to accommodate his work then, getting everything done on the weekends alone, etc. Does he acknowledge the sacrifices you make for him?

[dglvrk2]

campermom, you nailed it! He doesn't get how hard it is for me to rearrange my schedule. Perhaps if I was a little bit less of a rule follower at work I'd be more flexible, but that's never been me.

I haven't responded to him yet. He gets home late tonight. We will either talk then or tomorrow afternoon when he's done with ski patrol training. Usually when I don't respond to something like this right away, he has time to consider my position and empathize more with me. Then we come to a good agreement. It was definitely the wrong ask at the wrong time last night.

Thank you for your thoughtful words.

ETA: I think he knows how much I do on the weekends by myself. Our kids are both really great to be around right now. It's me. My mom energy, not my enjoyment of my kids, is depleted.

[waverly]

It’s very mature of you to wait to respond.

I would have said no immediately and told him to take the kids or I guess just one kid since there is gymnastics.

It’s not fair to put you on kid duty that much.

[mommyatty]

I think with everything else going on, ski patrol training needs to be put on hold. I mean, is he anticipating that somehow he’s going to do ski patrol stuff on weekends indefinitely? Like a hobby/job? It reminds me of twinmomma’s exh and his obsession with being allowed to do summer stock shit instead of parenting.

I have often had this issue with DH and his family not understanding that I have a freaking job. His dad in particular would always want to do stuff on weekdays or leave on like Thursday for a long weekend so we could beat the crowds. Ugh, the reason there weren’t crowds is because people LIKE ME have these things called jobs.

[sdlaura]

I agree with waverly that he should take the kids. Seems like a win win to me - you don’t miss work and get a Saturday ‘off,’ her gets to see his friends and mom. You get to frame it as ‘great idea, but I shouldn’t miss work, so you can take the kids!’ And you can also point out that you’ve been solo parenting every weekend and could use a day to get things together without kids.

[dglvrk2]

mommyatty, he's wanted to join the ski patrol for a few years and is finally getting his opportunity. He's learning some great skills in the training and I think he'll be a phenomenal contribution to one of our local ski area's volunteer patrols. If this was just one more thing to do, I would definitely oppose it. However, ski patrol has been a big part of my family and I'm happy to see how much he's enjoying it.

It was his disregard for my work situation that made his suggestion maddening rather than a little bit annoying.




I've known about his mom's upcoming surgery for a couple of weeks. I was actually going to suggest that he go to help her out. H is a biomechanical engineer and works closely with the spine surgeon who will be operating on his mother. He's really the best person to be with his mother for the surgery.

I am totally fine having the kids on my own again. DD2 has a good friend's birthday on Saturday. This kid's parties are actually fun for everyone, including parents:) (read: there's alcohol and good music!) DD1 has a gymnastics clinic and then a team sleepover Saturday night. It's going to be a good weekend.

It's not the time alone with the kids that's bothering me, it's my work situation and the lack of acknowledgement of my challenges by H.