Parenting books for teenage years

[Leeham Rimes]

X is a great kid, he really is. But this transition into teenage hood is gaslighting me. lol. H says I’m looking for a fight, but I’m really not.

He’s got a lot of sass, sarcasm, and attitude , which he does come by naturally but I’m struggling with what feels like rudeness, it’s death of a thousand paper cuts over here.

Prefer a book without any religious content since I’m not religious at all.

[formerlyak]

There is no book. It’s hard and emotional and then it’s rewarding and then hard again.

My teen is an amazing human. Very involved in the community. Top 5% of his class. Nominated by teachers for some big honors. Works 20 hours a week for the city. Clearly cares about others. And I still get sass.

I asked him one time why and he started crying. He said there is so much pressure on high schoolers who want to go to a big name college and everyone seems to expect perfection, but he knows with me it’s ok to have a bad day and to not be perfect all the time. He said I’m the only person he feels he can be that way in front of and I’ll still love him. There is actually a lot of research about kids acting out around the adult they are most comfortable with. And sometimes it comes out as rudeness and sass. We talked about how it’s ok to have a bad day and no, he doesn’t need to be perfect, but he needs to be respectful. Now he at least recognizes when he’s d sassy and apologizes. He’s at the end of high school so it took time.

[formerlyak]

I will add that the book “How to Raise an Adult” is a very good read. Doesn’t talk about the attitude, but helps you put what’s important to teach them before they leave your house in perspective.

[eb777888]

This is on my list, I have not read it but it was highly recommended to me:
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents

This age is both the most fun and hardest for me. They do gaslight you, guilt you, fight with you. But I feel like I'm dealing with someone who's not in their right mind at the moment and when we're in that loop of going around and around in circles, having to explain the same damn thing over and over, I stop engaging and walk away and deal with it later because there's a 99% chance he'll be in a whole other mood two hours later. It's like he needs to vent and get angry over all of these emotions and hormones he's having and unfortunately *I* am his punching bag at the moment, lol.

[eb777888]

It's funny you used the term gaslight because I was just telling my H after an argument with David the other night that I HATE the term gaslight because I think it's overused/misused but that is the only time I've ever truly felt gaslit. It's just their emotions are so amplified and not proportionate to the actual situation , meanwhile they are SO SURE that they are right and we are wrong. It's a frustrating back and forth and when we get into that, I just tell him I love him and we want the best for him and as his parents we're trying to do what's best for him.

[nancybotwin]

Two books I recommend (in addition to How to Raise an Adult) - one is The New Adolescence. She talks a lot about what it means to parent a teenager and how to move into a coaching role, which prevents some of the attitude (not all, but I have found her tips to be very very impactful in shifting DD1’s attitude). The other is This is So Awkward. They also have a podcast that I listen to (The Puberty Podcast). I find their insights about raising teenagers to be realistic and truly helpful.

[Leeham Rimes]

Nov 4, 2023 9:55:39 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

It's funny you used the term gaslight because I was just telling my H after an argument with David the other night that I HATE the term gaslight because I think it's overused/misused but that is the only time I've ever truly felt gaslit. It's just their emotions are so amplified and not proportionate to the actual situation , meanwhile they are SO SURE that they are right and we are wrong. It's a frustrating back and forth and when we get into that, I just tell him I love him and we want the best for him and as his parents we're trying to do what's best for him.

I swear it’s like we’re on a comedy show or something. He’ll do something, I’ll say please don’t do that (whatever it is, eye rolling, stomping, slamming a door) and he’ll reply that he didn’t do the exact thing I literally saw—with my own eyeballs —him do.

It’s hard not to take this madness personally.

[eb777888]

Nov 4, 2023 12:37:10 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

Nov 4, 2023 9:55:39 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

It's funny you used the term gaslight because I was just telling my H after an argument with David the other night that I HATE the term gaslight because I think it's overused/misused but that is the only time I've ever truly felt gaslit. It's just their emotions are so amplified and not proportionate to the actual situation , meanwhile they are SO SURE that they are right and we are wrong. It's a frustrating back and forth and when we get into that, I just tell him I love him and we want the best for him and as his parents we're trying to do what's best for him.

It’s hard not to take this madness personally.

It is hard not to take it personally. I used to privately cry about it as pathetic as that sounds. It's better now and it comes in cycles, it's not always like this, so I try and take the good with the bad. (((hugs)))

[abs]

I really liked Untangled. It’s marketed towards teenage girls but I think the insights are universal.

Basically the attitude is normal and it gives good perspective. Confirms that the highs are high and the lows are real low with teenage parenting.

[notsopicky]

Nov 4, 2023 12:37:10 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

Nov 4, 2023 9:55:39 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

It's funny you used the term gaslight because I was just telling my H after an argument with David the other night that I HATE the term gaslight because I think it's overused/misused but that is the only time I've ever truly felt gaslit. It's just their emotions are so amplified and not proportionate to the actual situation , meanwhile they are SO SURE that they are right and we are wrong. It's a frustrating back and forth and when we get into that, I just tell him I love him and we want the best for him and as his parents we're trying to do what's best for him.

I swear it’s like we’re on a comedy show or something. He’ll do something, I’ll say please don’t do that (whatever it is, eye rolling, stomping, slamming a door) and he’ll reply that he didn’t do the exact thing I literally saw—with my own eyeballs —him do.

It’s hard not to take this madness personally.

I work in a middle school, and I swear this very thing is slowly killing me (I'm coming up on 3 decades in this work environment). I see it much more now that I'm in a specialist role and am in the hallways all the time (supervision posts, going to meetings and classroom visits). It is VERY hard not to take it personally. My response is usually "Seriously do I need to pull up the cameras?" (we have cameras in our school) re: running or terrible language or touching others agressively. I swear I'm not making excuses, but I literally think they have no idea what their instinctive responses are, especially the ones you describe--eyerolls, stomping, smacking their friend on the back of the head because the friend knocked them into someone (in my work example). 

I don't have any recs (my kid is 12 and I'm not experiencing it at home--YET), just big commiseration. 

[cjcouple]

Disclaimer: I'm no expert

I've never read a book but having a 17yo and a 14yo, I've learned it's important with my kids to pick my battles.

I don't correct every little thing and sometimes I just let some things go. Especially if I know they've had a hard day/week.

Of course I'm not a doormat. If they are extremely rude I will say "wow, that's really rude and hurtful" They usually backtrack and say they didn't. I just remind them to be careful with their tone and move along. I don't battle with them with "I heard you" or "yes you did". they'll dig their heels in

I do sometimes let them have the last word. I don't know if it's the right thing to do but au think not harping or calling out every little thing, helps them to be more respectful.

13-15 was/is probably the hardest. My 17yo and I have a close relationship and I'm working on building a closeness with my youngest. I'm finding he's more interested in what's going on with "adult conversations". He's not hiding in his phone as much and more engaged.

Definitely take a look at how they are away from you. If they are responsible, respectable teens in school and with others, that's a win.

I'm consistently told by my boys teachers and other parents that they are just "good people". To me, that means I'm doing my job. HTH

[rooster222]

How to Talk so Teens Listen

It seems cheesy but it's a good book and the concepts work when you are butting heads with your teen. Mainly just a way of reframing conversations so teens don't get defensive.

[sonrisa]

Nov 4, 2023 9:38:52 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

I will add that the book “How to Raise an Adult” is a very good read. Doesn’t talk about the attitude, but helps you put what’s important to teach them before they leave your house in perspective.

This was just recommended by the school psychologist at a parent talk. 

[cville]

I know you said nothing religious, but parenting a teenager has been most akin to reading the Book of Revelation for me.

[marshmallowhands]

Dr. Lisa Damour is a great teen resource. I like her podcast and she has several books (some already mentioned in the thread). I’m really working on not taking things personally. The biggest thing that has helped so far is modeling the repair. After I’ve lost my cool or said something I didn’t mean, I make sure to go apologize. In turn she’s pretty good about apologizing when she pushes things too far.

[DotAndBuzz]

Emotional Lives of Teenagers, by Dr. Lisa Damour.

I listened to it as an audiobook, and it's phenomenal. Gave me really good perspective on how to approach things, and helped me understand what's going on in their brains so I don't (sometimes, not always, because this is a wild ride) take it so personally.