Holiday Mental Load

[186momx]

How is everyone handling the holiday mental load.  Figured we needed a spot to vent and purge all of our feelings.

[186momx]

My mom is making Thanksgiving way more stressful and involved than it should be. She is insisting both my sister and I bring dishes, but my brother doesn't have to. There is only the 6 of us for dinner that is turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and rolls a meal that she cooks at least 4 times a year, so it isn't a special once a year deal. Then today mom wants DD and I to come to dinner on Friday night too. DH is already got the scrooge attitude going towards the holidays.

[librarychica]

I have a November and Christmas baby. My mother in law started badgering me for gift ideas two weeks ago.

And it is not just a few ideas, categories, “one’s into Harry Potter and the other likes creepy graphic novels and art”, etc. She expects me to ID gifts for birthday and Christmas for each girl, for herself and for her mother, who she shops for. For DD2’s birthday she shipped to my house and now H or I have to wrap it. It’s like cascading mental load. Her mom projects to her, she in turn projects to me…

My own mom is also prone to gift-angst, but she generally just talks AT me. Or maybe it’s just easier to blow it off when it’s your own mom.

I checked with H when I got back and town and he confirmed that she never texted him about it. Le sigh.

[sdlaura]

We host Thanksgiving every year for a big group. I'm working on getting my house in shape. Today I did some yard work, but there's a lot of clutter I want to clear out during some WFH free time during the week (not that our guests really care - it will just make me happier to have it look nicer). I need to work on the menu with DH, but we've hosted at least 15 people for the past 15 years we've lived here, so we mostly have it down.

For Christmas, I'm doing pretty well on gifts so far, I think. I try to buy throughout the year and stepped it up the past couple months. I just got DD concert tickets last night for a May concert she'll like. I do need to get out everything I've bought in one place so that I can figure out what else I need. I have crazy work/work travel and holiday party weeks the first couple weeks of December, so I'd really like to be mostly organized by then. Regardless of how much I think I have done, it will still be nuts closer to Christmas because four kids. I did buy tickets for me and the kids to the local nutcracker performance today - last year I waited too long and it sold out. They'll be into that.

One thing I'm excited about - after we make it to Christmas, I may actually get more of a break than I've had in the past 11 holiday seasons since we had our first baby. All the schools and preschools my kids have gone to close for nearly 3 weeks for a winter break (until 1/8 this year), and we've always had at least one kid too young to go to a camp during that time, so typically we make it to Christmas and then have a bit of a slog the next couple weeks of trying to juggle work and childcare. But now that my youngest is 3.5, I reached out to a gymnastics camp held by a facility where DS2 went to a birthday party recently, that accepts 4-year-olds for camp. And they said my 3.5 year old can attend with my 6-year-old. Yay! So I have some daytime breaks this year around the end of the year. That will keep me going through the craziness.

[rere]

I told my mom with Ds's holiday being Thanksgiving this year I am not hosting our small family and her boyfriend's 3 kids, spouses and 8 grandchildren. I see these people once a year, if that. So she is doing that separately. I offered to do a lot of the cooking for our Thanksgiving with her and my two uncles,
but for some reason, she thinks she should do 2 meals. I actually enjoy the cooking part, I take off Wednesday and make a day of it.


So both sets of parents are getting on my nerves. I had planned to cook the day before, but have been assigned for both meals things that have to be cooked that day such as mac and cheese, green beans, and banana pudding. Only my pies can be cooked Wednesday. So instead of having a fun chill cooking day Wednesday, I'll be rushing around Thursday morning to get the to the first or our 2 meals that day.

[macmars45]

Initially my parents were going to be OOT spending Thanksgiving with my sisters in their city. H & I made plans to spend Thanksgiving with my oldest sister and my twin sister made plans to spend the day with her ILs. H is planning on going to Seattle on the Saturday & Sunday after Thanksgiving. Now that my parents changed their plans it's a whole kerfuffle. My twin sister wants to do Thanksgiving with our parents but not on Thanksgiving itself. My oldest sister works Friday. I just told twin sister if Saturday works best H might not attend but he won't care.

[CrazyLucky]

I don't mind shouldering the holiday mental load. I LOVE Christmas and DH tolerates it. Basically the only thing he does is shop for his family. What I'm starting to get annoyed with is everything else. For example, the refrigerator filter has been blinking that it needs to be changed for over a month. And yes, I can do it, but I do the Brita filter and ten billion other things. I want him to do that one thing. Without being asked.

[twinmomma]

I'm doing surprisingly well this year. I think it helps that we've ended up with a low key year by happenstance. I have basically all of my shopping done already. The only thing I need to grab is stocking stuffers and wait to see if any kids come up with a "Santa list" type request even though they don't believe anymore.

No kids for Thanksgiving, so DH and I are going away. He wants to host everyone at our house the following weekend, so it will be a belated family/friendsgiving for whoever can make it. I'll make the house presentable while DH handles all things food. I'm basically banished from our kitchen anyway. Perks of marrying a chef.

For Christmas, we have the kids this year. On Christmas Eve we'll get together with my grandmother, parents, and siblings early in the day to do our little gift exchange and visit. In the evening we'll go to my mom's big family potluck with all the aunts and uncles and cousins. On Christmas morning we'll do gifts and breakfast at our house with just us. The girls will go to their dad around noon and DS will stay with us.

My biggest stressor right now is figuring out how to un-invite ExH from Christmas morning. Since the divorce, we've gone over to each other's house early in the morning so that we're both there for the girls for the Santa magic. But now the girls don't believe anymore and I selfishly really want the morning to be just us and our new little family in our new house. It's our first big holiday together there since the wedding. I need to just rip off the band aid and uninvite him but it feels super awkward.

[supertrooper1]

My holiday mental load so far has been with our trip to Hawaii the week before Christmas. Beau's brother threw a wrinkle in it last night by saying he planned a trip to another island during our trip and will spend his 16 hour layover with us. It will be great that he can spend some time with us in Hawaii, but he didn't communicate which day, and I was about to buy luau tickets. I shouldn't stress about it and can wait until after we talk to him in person on Thanksgiving.

Last year ended up being a cluster on Thanksgiving with Beau's family, so we decided to host everyone this year. I'm taking all of next week off to get ready for it and because I have time to use before the end of the year. It's hard enough to keep up with the daily stuff around the house, so I'll give it a good deep clean and declutter and organize the main living area. I also plan to do some Christmas shopping. DS will be easy this year. His big present will be a hoverboard. I don't know what to get Beau. My parents gift is the trip to Hawaii. I make Beau buy for his family. His late wife did everything before and he's learning how to be independent in that area. It's not something I want to add to my mental load.

We have DS until Christmas eve at 9pm, but we don't get home from Hawaii until 7am the 24th. We'll probably just open gifts with DS during the day on the 24th and maybe go to Beau's mom's the evening of the 24th. I'm not sure if we'll do anything with my parents for Christmas. Christmas day will be at Beau's son's house since we don't have DS.

[waverly]

I texted my (BEC) SIL to see if the adults have to swap presents. DH won't ask his parents because he is very passive, but he also doesn't buy for them. We won't see them until possibly New Years, so I have plenty of time. I doubt SIL will ask either because she said she isn't coming back for the holidays. This is good news because she spends her time with us baiting her mom and trying to fight with her brother (DH) over nothing. Or complaining bitterly (but rightly) about FIL's incompetent doctors. If she sees that DH and I disagree on anything then she inserts herself, so we actually have to pretend to agree on everything while we are in front of her or else she will "attack". Usually she attacks her brother, but one year she went after me. The topic was free range parenting and she doesn't have a child LOL.  I think she manipulated her brother (the other brother) one year to call me to tell me not to send the kids to a religious camp because he is an atheist.  The kids believe in God, and are not agnostic or atheist.  So she can just get weird sometimes with inserting herself into stuff that is none of her business.  

For Thanksgiving we are driving to see everyone. It is going to be nuts, but at least I expect it to be. We'll have some fun activities to distract ourselves but it will be what it will be, I guess.  Christmas should be quiet.  

[ECB]

We host a small group for both holidays. We're going to do Chinese food for Christmas dinner this year. I'm starting to get tired of hosting these two huge meals - I want to cut it down this year!

Haven't even thought about gifts yet... I have DSs list, but have to figure out what the grandparents want to get him off the list, etc.

That is actually probably the most annoying. My FIL complained to my step-mother on Mothers Day about how DS only wants sports related gifts. He's 14 and into sports.... don't know what to tell ya!  

[sdlaura]

Yes CrazyLucky, I feel you on the refrigerator filter example. Often when DH is home with the kids I think he acts like a babysitter - keeps the kids happy and alive while doing nothing else that needs to be done. And it annoys me to no end. If I didn’t maintain the house, do the laundry, etc while with the kids, those things would never get done. He really sucks at multitasking, and I shouldn’t have to tell him what needs to be done.

[dglvrk2]

Thanks for starting this post. I'm trying to keep my head above water. I really like Thanksgiving, but I am not as excited as I usually am right days out. Thus is mostly because today was not a good day. Between DD1 convincing me to let her stay home from school, DD1 also being very uncomfortable and missing her third gymnastics practice in a row because of an IT band issue, my sister's oncology appointment (which actually went really well, all things considered) and seeing how stressed my parents are with my sister's cancer resurgence, I need a boost. I'm also running on very little sleep.

In terms of Christmas, we are going to the Pacific Northwest this year. We will be with my in laws for part of it. The girls are looking forward to it and I'm optimistic that it will be a good trip too. It will be quite low key

H and I still need to discuss the major gifts for the Ds. I haven't even started a Christmas list....I'm anticipating some stress, especially with my sister being I'll and supporting DD1 with her injury and anxiety. I'm also certain there will be some enjoyable times this and next month too. Just bracing for whatever may come my way right now.

[mae0111]

The mental load of all holidays is like 100% on me every year. I'm a terrible gift giver so I'm struggling. I have no idea what to get for my parents. They buy whatever they want, don't really enjoy going out together and doing things other than restaurants. Same with MIL - she doesn't leave the house except for church and the grocery store. So we typically get her streaming subscriptions and gift cards to her hair salon.

We are visiting MIL, BIL, SIL, and nephews for Thanksgiving. We're going up a day early. I do not have high hopes for this trip. Our kids continue to behave terribly and fight constantly, and it's really difficult to manage that when we're not on our own space.

I'm not hosting Christmas, either. My mom, after declaring that she would never host again, his hosting both Thanksgiving (for one sister and family) and Christmas (for all 3 of us siblings and our families). It makes things easier in some ways, but in other ways it's just really nice to stay home. Last year was really easy - just BIL, SIL, nephews, and my dad. I cooked and it was very... calm.

I'm struggling with gifts for the kids. I'd planned to get each kid really nice wetsuits for our beach house because the North Atlantic is painfully cold for most of the year. But after trying to price out and read reviews, it really seems like sizing is not at all standard across different brands... so that will have to be an after-Christmas gift. We also went to see Frozen and I told them that was a big part of their gifts from us... but DD2 still believes... so I have to figure that out...

[librarychica]

Last night after a full 10 hours at a theme park (we all played hooky for DD2’s birthday) I lit into my brother for badgering me about the thanksgiving menu. He wanted to change up his side for dinner, or add to it, i am not sure. I was like “well idk that we need that,” he’s all “well I haven’t seen the menu, never mind, I’ll talk to mom this weekend.” He kept just saying over again that he hadn’t seen the menu.

And I was like “it is my house! What do you need to talk to mom for? This is so rude. You don’t get to approve the menu at someone else’s home.” And so on.

Like, he is hosting (early because of his work schedule) Christmas? I will bring what I am asked to bring? I will keep any opinions I have to myself.

I mean I know he has learning and social differences, and I know anxiety drives some of these behaviors, and maybe I am a terrible person but sometimes I want him to just stop fucking badgering me.

Then of course when he texted to apologize later, I also apologized even though I am not really sorry because I have oldest sister syndrome and have to keep the peace.

[librarychica]

Oh! Though I am bad sometimes at managing my own family I am doing better with H’s. I may (and don’t always mind) be the main gift coordinator, but when my MIL called for DD2’s bday last night and said as she was hanging up that she’d “text to coordinate food” for a holiday gathering with their family this weekend I said “great! But you should really text your son. Since I’m cooking most of thanksgiving he’s volunteered to coordinate that party.”

He hasn’t, but he doesn’t mind and he’s a perfectly good cook so there’s no reason he cannot. He would like to be asked to cook more — he’s said so in past years. Voila, H, you get your wish!

[waverly]

Yea the anxiety badgering that is what I get from my mom about presents. I really want to say that no one buy for anyone if they can’t handle the mental load themselves.

[mommyatty]

I do everything for the holidays, and I like it that way. DH doesn’t give a rip about holidays. And I’m a Christmas nut, so I like to decorate and make cookies and buy gifts. It’s my favorite time of year.

The part that annoys me is MIL is a last minute person. So after I’ve already done all the shopping for the kids, she will suddenly decide I need to tell her what the kids want. Uh, if they asked for it, I’ve already gotten it. Getting either of them to ask for anything is like pulling teeth. And she sees us at least 6 days a week. Why TF can’t she ask them what they want? This year I’m telling her to get DS Robux and DD a gift certificate to an art store, Joann, or Target. She’s asked for art stuff for Christmas, specifically watercolor paints and new sketch books. I’ve already gotten those.

[waverly]

My sister and I had planned to get together with my dad and uncle on Friday. There are both mentally ill and in different assisted living. It was never going to be fun but an obligation. But now she has totally bailed and told me that I have to visit her and my mom after seeing him.

She saw him a week ago. I get that she sees him more often and doesn’t want to go again but this was dad’s wish and then turned into her idea so I was doing her and my dad the favor of helping them meet up. Because she wanted to make it happen for him and I did too so I was assisting her because they live an hour apart. We were going to each take one and meet in the middle.

So now after driving to see him I have to what go to her house? And see my mom and her? My mom last time I saw her complained I took too long to get to her house (after driving 6 hours it still wasn’t good enough) and I’m sure she’ll say the same thing now. I’m also pretty sure she is manipulating my sister behind the scenes because she is staying at her house.

And I’m 99% sure they are going to spring present opening on me also and demand the kids be there because they already bought their presents. I sort of understand this because driving that route in winter is treacherous but be upfront instead of hey last minute you all need to come over and open presents.

I was trying to figure out why I never see my high school or college friends and this is why. Every time I go back it gets nuts and they demand stuff so I never have time to see friends. My other friends see their friends when they visit and I know it’s because their relatives accept it while mine actively discourage it. They don’t come out and say it but I get guilt tripped all the time. I spend all my time making them happy and don’t have any time for me.

One time we went back and didn’t tell anyone and I think I need to do that maybe this summer.

[cjcouple]

Everything is good here. I am enjoying my sons last football season. We had Senior night last week and we have a bonfire Tuesday. A few of us are tailgating for breakfast Thanksgiving morning before the game. Then I plan to do a small dinner for the 4 of us.

we are having a few financial struggles so Christmas shopping has barely been touched but it'll get done. I've been slowly decorating already. We will do the tree after Thanksgiving.

I honestly am just hoping to enjoy the holidays.

[mae0111]

I got a lot done over the weekend. Macy's had 16% back on Rakuten, so I got DD1 a pair of booties and a pair of Ugg slippers, and I got DD2 a pair of bearpaw boots on sale and a Lego set. DD2 is pretty much done, I think.

DD1 sent me her wish list, and... woah. Lots of Lululemon, but also lots of stuff THAT SHE ALREADY HAS and just can't find in her room. There have also been a number of ad-hoc requests that were NOT on the list, but not insignificant. For example, she has read her Harry Potter books literally more than 50 times, and they're all falling apart. So she asked for a new set.
Which is fine, but not on the list and not cheap... So I'm working my way through the list and making some decisions.

DD2 gave me no list at all, but I've been trying to just kind of listen and figure things out. She is receiving a lot of soccer-related things.

[waverly]

I've done zero buying of gifts, but it seems like DH has started, so I think I will leave it to him, and I will just do the stocking stuffers. I'm not buying for my sister's family and her son's only want gift cards. I will hold off on in-laws since I don't know what they are doing, and so then it is just my mom. A far cry from the 40 people I used to buy for and I made a conscious effort to get to this point.

I tried to decorate outside, but realized that I need to winterize first, so I never did that. I am contemplating my tree options but I think we will just do the local grocery store tree lot. I just need to get through this Thanksgiving trip, and then we are not doing that again. I probably won't visit again for at least 4 months due to winter weather anyway.

[186momx]

DH thinks we should buy DD a cowboy hat. I told him no because she is still growing, and I think it is something that will just sit around plus they are expensive. She borrowed his cowboy hat for Halloween which is why he thinks she needs one. DH is also the king of buying her stuff that never gets opened or used and then gets all bent out of shape when she doesn't like it.

I'm sticking to my no list for my mom. I gave her 1 idea for me and DD gave her 1 idea and that is it. I was talking to my sister and she agreed that mom always asks for a list but then never shops from the list.

I also am not getting DD a laptop for Christmas as I want to set rules for it. I feel like if it is a gift it is hers vs household item where I can take it away and set limits.

[sandandsea]

I carry the majority of the mental load but love Christmas and care more than DH does. I love having the tree up and decorating.

We are surprising the kids with Disneyland this year with DHs family over Christmas and I bought them both a couple of things during prime day so it should be pretty simple at home. They both are getting new headphones, some needed clothes, a toy/Lego , and a fleece Disney jacket for the trip. Ds1 is out of the toy stage and DS2 loves all the toys so things seem so imbalanced and Disney makes that a bit easier.

My moms family draws names every year and dhs is doing Disney so no gifts. We bought my dad and stepmom flights to visit us for their gift so that’s easy too.

I love experience gifts and so this year is great from my view. Dh thinks ds2 will be disappointed by the lack of toys but I’m hoping Disneyland makes up for it. Also since we will open gifts and fly to Disney the next morning.

[macmars45]

I shoulder more of the mental load for sure.

My family is giant. I buy for all the nieces & nephews (6) & 3-4 adults. We draw names for adults. Thankfully. Otherwise it would be 9 adults. Anyways. And stockings too. My DS had an emptier stocking that usual last year and he was six so he noticed. So I'll be buying extra stuff for him at that celebration too. I told some of my siblings too so they can help. He is harder to buy for with his niche interests so I get it.

I also purchase for H and half of DS(7). H takes the specialized can only find on specific websites lego half. I do the other stuff.

H's family usually gets nothing from us because H is in charge of them and he usually thinks about it on Dec 24th. Oh well. No my problem.

[waverly]

We had a pretty good weekend. Turkey trot Thursday, boys watched football and we had a good catered dinner. MIL broke her wrist so she catered everything.

Friday, DH and I visited my dad. He lost a lot of weight and looks very different. I didn’t recognize him almost. Sister had brought him a lot of nice looking clothes. Then we did dinner out with mom and sister’s family. Everyone behaved except my mom who was complainy and demanding.

Saturday MIL and relative marched in a local parade and it was like Gilmore girls town threw up Christmas. Very overly cute. We did errands and had lunch. The boys went to The Game.

Today we drive home. I was anxious today about driving in the snow but it was basically flurries. So maybe it’s more of the lovely hormonal anxiety.


Oh and it was 1000% better than holidays with SIL. She just makes an effort to bait her mom and go after people. You literally cannot express any concern no matter how big or small because she will go after it. And we have decided in addition to not vacationing with my mom again that we will never stay at her house again either. I have to see my mom but I would be perfectly happy never seeing SIL again.

[waverly]

Lots of this was house chores but basically worked on chores- cleaning, cooking, dishes, laundry and errands from 9-4.

Holiday wise- shopping for decorations, cleaning up garden/ porch and decorating outside. Brought out the elf and advent calendars. Sent out the first batch of Christmas cards.

DH is taking the lead on kid shopping so I don’t even have to do that. I’ll see my mom and sis mid January and in-laws early January so I won’t shop for them until after Christmas.

I guess I just need to decorate inside, do more cards and get stocking stuffers. ETA- DD is gung ho to have everything Christmas so she had me put up the Christmas tree before I went to work.  She helped.  Luckily that usually goes fast because I only have 1 large bin of ornaments etc.

I still need to take DS shopping and get one birthday present.  I picked up the Girl Scout present and the pool party birthday present.  So much to do, I don't know how people juggle it with a busy social life and sports and and and.....