WWYD about a kid teasing/bothering your kid?

[aspentosh]

There is a boy in DD's (11y) class that relentless bugs her. He is in two of her classes and she sits next to him in both. He calls her smurfette because her hair is blue, comments on her clothes and appearance, makes experiments and group projects difficult (for her but also others in the group), and will bother her during tests and other assignments.

DD is a very sensitive kid and has told him to stop multiple times, but it's not letting up. We've explained that sometimes ignoring is the best option- that hasn't helped. She's seeing her therapist on Thursday and I hope she will bring it up, but I am curious what, if anything, you would do.

I could go to the teachers and ask her to be moved. Or she could email them/ask them herself. There is also a grade 6 counselor that we could talk to. Something else? Nothing?

[starburst604]

I think a seat reasssignment would be the first step here. I have a younger kid, so I'm not sure at what age kids should advocate for themselves by asking the teacher to move one of them. If she's too young to be asking herself I think it's appropriate for you to ask. It seems a simple enough request that is well justified, so I'd hope that the teacher would do it and the problem would solve itself.

[nicolewi]

I would talk to the teacher for sure.

[waverly]

I think DS (13) and 7th grade would have a hard time asking to be moved because a kid was bothering him. But, I do make him handle all things assignment wise with the teachers at this point.

So I think talking to the teacher is fine for 6th grade social situation stuff/ teasing.

[steamboat185]

DD in 5th would definitely ask to have herself moved. Commentary on others isn’t helpful or necessary. If she won’t ask I’d send the teacher a note with some examples of the name calling and comments.

[VillainV]

Contact the teachers. I’m disappointed that they haven’t already addressed his behavior and moved his seat. Unsolicited comments about someone’s appearance are never okay.

[ECB]

Yeah, I would talk to the teachers. While I fully agree with teaching kids to advocate for themselves, there is a balance. They are still kids and they do still sometimes need our help and guidance.

As VillainV said - i'm really disappointed that the teachers haven't stepped in already on their own.

[CrazyLucky]

I would try to get DD to ask the teacher to move her. If she isn't ready for that, I would definitely contact the teacher myself. Does DD switch classes or is she basically stuck next to this boy all day? Also, Smurfette's hair is blond!

[thebreakfastclub]

I'd be talking to the teacher myself.

[minniemouse]

I’d encourage my kid to talk to the teacher, but if they were too shy or kit willing I would definitely reach out. I don’t think 6th grade is too old for that (id feel differently if it was college lol).
We had an issue last year where a boy in dd2’s 4th grade class was constantly making fun of her braces and removable expander (the kind that looks like a retainer). She had to take it out for snack and lunch, and he would not stop with calling her a grandma, saying it was gross and more. Her teacher had a rule that no one could ask for a seat change. She’s a rule follower and would not ask for a move. She was afraid he would be mad even though she had a valid reason. I emailed and explained what is going on. He moved her desk the next morning. The teacher also talked to dd and told her she should let him know if something/someone is bothering her.

[Jalapeñomel]

Email the teacher !

It’s kind of surprising that the teachers haven’t noticed.

[aspentosh]

Some updates from yesterday:

He was moved out of one of her classes, so that's a relief. But she told the other teacher (again) about the name calling and bothering her during tests. I guess yesterday he pushed his way into her personal space (between DD and a friend she was talking to) and just kept yelling "smurfette" at her in various voices in the hallway. The friend even made a comment that DD should talk to a counselor about it.

So I guess I'll be reaching out to the teacher. I never want to bother teachers for things that they may roll their eyes at, but I felt like it was a bit much for any kid to deal with.

[erbear]

Go to her teacher. This is how sexual harassment starts in middle school -- kids aren't held accountable for their behavior and it escalates. She's done what she's supposed to do -- she told him to stop. There is a clear lack of consent. I'd contact the teacher, then the principal. (I say this as a middle school teacher and administrator...and middle school parent)

[icedcoffee]

Nov 16, 2023 11:52:04 GMT -5 aspentosh said:

Some updates from yesterday:

He was moved out of one of her classes, so that's a relief. But she told the other teacher (again) about the name calling and bothering her during tests. I guess yesterday he pushed his way into her personal space (between DD and a friend she was talking to) and just kept yelling "smurfette" at her in various voices in the hallway. The friend even made a comment that DD should talk to a counselor about it.

So I guess I'll be reaching out to the teacher. I never want to bother teachers for things that they may roll their eyes at, but I felt like it was a bit much for any kid to deal with.

I'm with you on not wanting to bother teachers, but this is excessive.  Please talk to the teacher.  

[redheadk]

I would have already talked to the teacher. I don't tolerate that shit. He can be an asshole somewhere else. His behavior is way outside the bounds of what is acceptable. She has made reasonable attempts to stand up for herself. I do not force my daughter to tolerate the targeted, disrespectful behavior of boys in her learning environment. I would also loop in the counselor and AP that this boy is targeting her during passing periods.

Signed, a former teacher and current middle school parent.

[Jalapeñomel]

Nov 16, 2023 11:52:04 GMT -5 aspentosh said:

Some updates from yesterday:

He was moved out of one of her classes, so that's a relief. But she told the other teacher (again) about the name calling and bothering her during tests. I guess yesterday he pushed his way into her personal space (between DD and a friend she was talking to) and just kept yelling "smurfette" at her in various voices in the hallway. The friend even made a comment that DD should talk to a counselor about it.

So I guess I'll be reaching out to the teacher. I never want to bother teachers for things that they may roll their eyes at, but I felt like it was a bit much for any kid to deal with.

This isn’t bothering the teacher, I promise. These are absolutely legitimate reasons to be reaching out.

I’m also horrified that your daughter has discussed with said teacher and nothing has happened. I’d be mad no one is respecting her!

[186momx]

Please bug the teacher. We went through this last year in 6th. DD asked to be moved away from J as she was sitting next to him in 6 out of the 7 classes. She was told by all her teachers they would look into her request when they redid the seating chart after break. I had her IEP meeting and asked in person and the teachers didn't realize that they all had her next to J so she wasn't getting a break from his taunting. All her teachers comment on how well DD but up with his shenanigans and how well she didn't let it affect her. Promised me they would move her on Monday (we meet on Wed). Well Thursday that week the kid berated DD to the point she had an emotional breakdown in front of the entire class. Now the counselor and principals were involved and phone calls home. So please push and bug before it causes more than hurt feelings or annoyance.

Fast forward to 7th and DD sits near the kid but these teachers don't have the desks set up a group station or pairs so each student has a personal space. DD also learned a lot from the counselor and calls out J on his behavior loudly so they teacher knows it is happening ASAP and can shut it down.

[waverly]

You aren’t bothering the teacher. Bullying is a legitimate reason to reach out and I bet the school has anti bullying policies and language that you can use if you need to escalate.

My son is special needs and has executive function issues which are slowly getting better. So I am sure I’ve gotten far more eye rolls than you have in my emails to teachers but they’ve all been professional in their response to their credit.

There are just some situations that require a little more contact and parental involvement than others.

I think for DD, I’ve only emailed her teachers once per year if that.

[VillainV]

Nov 16, 2023 10:16:57 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

I’d encourage my kid to talk to the teacher, but if they were too shy or kit willing I would definitely reach out. I don’t think 6th grade is too old for that (id feel differently if it was college lol).
We had an issue last year where a boy in dd2’s 4th grade class was constantly making fun of her braces and removable expander (the kind that looks like a retainer). She had to take it out for snack and lunch, and he would not stop with calling her a grandma, saying it was gross and more. Her teacher had a rule that no one could ask for a seat change. She’s a rule follower and would not ask for a move. She was afraid he would be mad even though she had a valid reason. I emailed and explained what is going on. He moved her desk the next morning. The teacher also talked to dd and told her she should let him know if something/someone is bothering her.

What did he expect with a rule about not asking for a seat change?!? I get not wanting a million requests to sit with friends or whatever, but this is a horrible classroom rule that discourages kids from speaking up about bullying.

[aspentosh]

Thanks ladies.

I sent an email to the teacher yesterday. No word back, but there was also a sub in class that day so she may be out for the rest of the week or Thanksgiving next week. We'll see if there are any changes on Monday.

Also interesting: I did not realize this boy was in her school last year. She never mentioned his name while in elementary. Apparently they did the morning show together in 5th grade and he was always nice/civil, so something is different now and it can't just possibly be her hair because she's died her hair before.