Crowdsourcing opinions :)

[cville]

Nov 21, 2023 18:46:09 GMT -5 snipsnsnails said:

Nov 21, 2023 18:25:07 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

It's Jenny's birthday, and she wants to go on this all inclusive spa weekend (I don't care if it's not a spa) and invite Suzy, Sally, Mary and you. She's asked you to send out the invitations so that it's not her doing the inviting. That's the situation, right?

Send them with very clear wording of "the cost is X per person and includes Y, please register and pay directly at *link to retreat* and RSVP to snips." Then whatever happens happens.

Purely out of curiosity, do you think most people will be able to come? I feel like this kind of thing would need to be more of a group coordination than one person sending out invitations to everyone else if I expected people in my circle to be able to make it between the time and the cost.

Yeah, I think most people would be able to come. It's a lot of lead time and it's a lot like sonrisa described in that this person is so dearly loved and outrageously kind and generous and loving.  She has had a lot of very, very hard things happen to her, and her closest friends would love to celebrate her milestone birthday.

Please include me on the invite.

And pay.

[snipsnsnails]

Nov 21, 2023 18:57:01 GMT -5 cville said:

Nov 21, 2023 18:46:09 GMT -5 snipsnsnails said:

Yeah, I think most people would be able to come. It's a lot of lead time and it's a lot like sonrisa described in that this person is so dearly loved and outrageously kind and generous and loving.  She has had a lot of very, very hard things happen to her, and her closest friends would love to celebrate her milestone birthday.

Please include me on the invite.

And pay.

If you'd come? In a heartbeat!

[expectantsteelerfan]

Nov 21, 2023 18:46:09 GMT -5 snipsnsnails said:

Nov 21, 2023 18:25:07 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

It's Jenny's birthday, and she wants to go on this all inclusive spa weekend (I don't care if it's not a spa) and invite Suzy, Sally, Mary and you. She's asked you to send out the invitations so that it's not her doing the inviting. That's the situation, right?

Send them with very clear wording of "the cost is X per person and includes Y, please register and pay directly at *link to retreat* and RSVP to snips." Then whatever happens happens.

Purely out of curiosity, do you think most people will be able to come? I feel like this kind of thing would need to be more of a group coordination than one person sending out invitations to everyone else if I expected people in my circle to be able to make it between the time and the cost.

Yeah, I think most people would be able to come. It's a lot of lead time and it's a lot like sonrisa described in that this person is so dearly loved and outrageously kind and generous and loving.  She has had a lot of very, very hard things happen to her, and her closest friends would love to celebrate her milestone birthday.

So I think it's been established that this isn't the normal way most friend groups celebrate a birthday.  So I think in terms of figuring out who pays, you just need to think more directly about YOUR friend group.  You obviously want this to happen, which is great, and you said the invitee COULD pay, but I think you need to think more about if it makes SENSE for the invitee to pay or not.  How many people are invited?  Are they all of similar financial status?  Would it be a  financial hardship for any of them to pay (which they might actually undertake because they, like you, very much WANT to do this for the birthday girl)?  If there's a big discrepancy in the financials of the group and the invitee really just wants to make this happen, then I think it would be great to offer to pay for everyone.  But if you are all able to pay for yourselves comfortably, I think it's fine to expect everyone to pay their own way (but maybe split paying for the birthday girl as a gift to her?)

I know in my group of friends, 2 of us are significantly financially better off than some of the others.  Every once in a while, one of those 2 will treat the group to something (and be clear that they are treating).  Sometimes I think one of the other 2 kicks in when the other is treating, but who knows?

[jlt19]

Ok, so it sounds like this is more of a surprise for her, and that multiple others have agreed to go/do this. That’s different from what I was thinking.

In this case, I still wouldn’t expect the hostess to pay, but if the plan is to have as many invitees come as possible, then I might offer. Maybe the core group of “hostesses” could split the cost for the others? Again, obviously only if this is within everyone’s budget and desire! Don’t make anyone feel obligated.

[spindle92]

So I have a friend who had a milestone b-day 2 years ago and she is an absolute gem of a human being.
We did something similar but she footed the entire bill. She told me what she ball park wanted, gave me her CC and said run with it. I was very clear in the invites that it was already paid for (probably sounded tacky but I didn't want 18 million texts asking).

Not the exact same situation but I think you need to be clear in the invite as to who is paying, just to stop any confusion.

[wanderingback]

Nov 21, 2023 18:42:26 GMT -5 snipsnsnails said:

Nov 21, 2023 18:15:18 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

I’m very confused. Does the person sending the invites have the money to pay? We’re they consulted before this idea was decided?

I guess this might be how rich people live? I’m definitely not poor but no way would I be happy to pay for all these people for a 2 day all inclusive retreat.

The person sending the invites could pay, and I think I wanted to see what people might expect in a situation like this (with limited context b/c, hey, internet ) I was asking people at work, and they had very different opinions, so on to my GBCN focus group for more data. 

Well even if they could pay, I’m still confused as to your question. I guess if the birthday person had this idea and talked to the person ahead of time and they agreed to pay after knowing that this was a multiple day all inclusive event then yes I guess they "should" pay.

Birthdays in my opinion aren’t like showers where a shower is thrown for someone. A birthday typically the birthday person makes the plans and if it involves something big that costs then they pay for it themselves or invite people on a trip and tell them they have to pay their way, for example. I’ve never seen an expectation (other than a surprise party) that the birthday person has a host and that host is expected to pay for everything.

[livinitup]

I don’t have any friends that could afford to host me and friends to a swanky overnight weekend with activities and a private chef. It sounds lovely but any invite would include the link to registration - if it didn’t actually list the price, the registration page would make it obvious pretty quick when they asked for my credit card info.

Did something think the person who sent the invitation was going to pay for everyone?

[sofamonkey]

Lol I’m really not at all qualified to respond to this. Except be clear in the invite wording, whatever you decide.

[charlatti]

Nov 21, 2023 18:11:27 GMT -5 cville said:

Nov 21, 2023 17:37:21 GMT -5 charlatti said:

I think it would depend on how it’s presented. Friend invites you to a birthday weekend! = friend pays. Come join friend at a retreat to celebrate her birthday! = invitees pay
I would not expect the person helping to plan to pay for everyone .

First, the inviter should pay if the inviter is rich AF and/or the proposed location is out of the real of mere mortal affordability.

Second, most grown people aren't interested in spending multiple days celebrating someone else for a birthday. Maybe I'm a birthday grinch, but I am happy to spend, like, a meal's worth of time and money for your birthday unless you are literally my oldest friend. A weekend? I have a life. A job. Other priorities for my leisure time and money. GTFO

Last, and the reason for the post quote, the suggested wording is to vague for the invite. Like "you can register and make your payment here" or something. I don't have the time for deciphering genteel inference.

?? It’s not my event nor was I suggesting wording. This is not something that would happen in my circle.

[wildrice]

This is rich people problems, lol. Is your whole circle affluent or just you? If you think the cost will deter people from attending and you can afford it, I guess it would be nice of you to pay to ensure nobody is left out. But if everyone can afford it, I wouldn't expect you to pay for it. It wouldn't even cross my mind if I received an invite for something like this that I wouldn't be expected to pay my own way.

And if you aren't affluent, just nice and technically could float it if needed, then definitely don't pay!

[circa1978]

I feel like this thread is very much in contrast to the one below where we are all lamenting the cost of milk. But at any rate, if you can afford to pay for everyone and want to, have at it! But otherwise, especially if this person is so beloved, I think people would be willing to pay their way and I personally would never expect or want my friend to pay for such an extravagant gift as providing this trip for a guest list I provided.

[tacokick]

I have been invited to some weekends and extravagant events where the host paid and happily went. There were scheduled activities I participated in because they were paid for that I probably wouldn’t have chosen and paid for myself.

Is there a middle ground where the trip could be heavily subsidized? Like the guests would be paying but like a quarter or third of the total amount? I know some people are weird about accepting things like this from people so that might help with that and make it more affordable over all.

[dochas]

Nov 21, 2023 21:08:39 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

I feel like this thread is very much in contrast to the one below where we are all lamenting the cost of milk. But at any rate, if you can afford to pay for everyone and want to, have at it! But otherwise, especially if this person is so beloved, I think people would be willing to pay their way and I personally would never expect or want my friend to pay for such an extravagant gift as providing this trip for a guest list I provided.

It's also in contrast to the continuous girls weekend! planning that is talked about. Now somehow no one can fathom GOING SOMEWHERE for someone's birthday.

[icedcoffee]

You absolutely do not have to pay. You do need to be clear in the invitation about how costs are being handled though so people can decline if needed. If you were to pay that would be super nice though.

[dochas]

Nov 21, 2023 22:28:35 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Nov 21, 2023 22:14:06 GMT -5 dochas said:

It's also in contrast to the continuous girls weekend! planning that is talked about. Now somehow no one can fathom GOING SOMEWHERE for someone's birthday.

I think it’s the way OP is written, honestly. 

It was originally a bit cryptic!

[UMaineTeach]

I would expect all guests to pay for themselves.

I would also expect like at most 6 people to be invited and for the invite to mostly happen by text.

Hey, Jan. Do you want to go to Rocky’s Rock Climbing Resort on February 31 for Karen’s 85th birthday?

Hey, Liz! That would be great. I love Karen. What are the details?

I’m going to book the Really Rockin’ package. It’s going to be $7 per person. Here’s the link, check it out and let me know by the third Wednesday of next week. You can VenPal me the money once it’s booked. Hope you can come!

[cville]

Nov 21, 2023 20:06:46 GMT -5 charlatti said:

Nov 21, 2023 18:11:27 GMT -5 cville said:

First, the inviter should pay if the inviter is rich AF and/or the proposed location is out of the real of mere mortal affordability.

Second, most grown people aren't interested in spending multiple days celebrating someone else for a birthday. Maybe I'm a birthday grinch, but I am happy to spend, like, a meal's worth of time and money for your birthday unless you are literally my oldest friend. A weekend? I have a life. A job. Other priorities for my leisure time and money. GTFO

Last, and the reason for the post quote, the suggested wording is to vague for the invite. Like "you can register and make your payment here" or something. I don't have the time for deciphering genteel inference.

?? It’s not my event nor was I suggesting wording. This is not something that would happen in my circle.

I am aware. I was quoting by way of example.

[sdlaura]

I think this is also a situation where there could be a split between host and/or birthday girl paying and guests paying. Like, guests pay for transportation and lodging but host pays for a dinner and birthday girl pays for programming. But like PPs said, I would be explicit in the invitation for whatever you decide.

[wanderingback]

Nov 21, 2023 22:14:06 GMT -5 dochas said:

Nov 21, 2023 21:08:39 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

I feel like this thread is very much in contrast to the one below where we are all lamenting the cost of milk. But at any rate, if you can afford to pay for everyone and want to, have at it! But otherwise, especially if this person is so beloved, I think people would be willing to pay their way and I personally would never expect or want my friend to pay for such an extravagant gift as providing this trip for a guest list I provided.

It's also in contrast to the continuous girls weekend! planning that is talked about. Now somehow no one can fathom GOING SOMEWHERE for someone's birthday.

The OP asked if the person sending the invites SHOULD pay.
I don’t think anyone is against going somewhere for someone’s birthday, but the expectation that the person sending the invites should pay does not seem standard, which I think is what people are responding to.

[underwaterrhymes]

With the additional info you provided, I think everyone should pay their own way except the birthday girl.

I just want to say it’s really nice of you and her friends to show her love in this way. ❤️

[brooklyn]

I’d love to go to a retreat with friends like this. A few of us are floating a girls trip for our 40ths and this doesn’t sound that different in terms of expense. I also have a few friends with much more disposable income who would pay for us to join in if we couldn’t afford it, which I appreciate.

[lolalolalola]

This sounds lovely! There is 0% chance anyone in my circle woukd expect not to pay for themselves.

[bex1973]

I would love this and would happily pay my on way but as others have said I would want the invite to be very clear that it's $X and how to register so I don't have to send awkward texts asking how to pay or who is paying. In my group of friends I would expect that I'd be paying my own way but would be relieved if it was clearly stated right from the start.

[jwright]

I think it’s pretty normal to plan a group trip for a girls weekend/couples trip/bachelorette/birthday weekend for a group of people and everyone pays their own way. It’s also normal for some people to decline for any number of reasons. Just feel the group out for potential dates and expect less than 100% acceptance.

I would feel very uncomfortable if someone wanted to pay for my entire weekend. At most on our group, the people that are closer or local to the destination will pick up the tab for a dinner or something.

[rosiebear]

Nov 21, 2023 22:48:10 GMT -5 UMaineTeach said:

I would expect all guests to pay for themselves.

I would also expect like at most 6 people to be invited and for the invite to mostly happen by text.

Hey, Jan. Do you want to go to Rocky’s Rock Climbing Resort on February 31 for Karen’s 85th birthday?

Hey, Liz! That would be great. I love Karen. What are the details?

I’m going to book the Really Rockin’ package. It’s going to be $7 per person. Here’s the link, check it out and let me know by the third Wednesday of next week. You can VenPal me the money once it’s booked. Hope you can come!

This is great EXCEPT for the part about booking and then getting reimbursed. 100 percent make people register themselves and pay upfront.

[definitelyO]

In our group of friends everyone pays their own.

please come celebrate BFFs 50th birthday in x locale. estimated cost = $$$
details attached - let us know by X date so we can secure accommodations, etc...
you can register for this and that at this link, et...

*if they back out after the commitment date they still pay for their non-refundable portion.

we've done stuff like this for 20 years so in our group the expectations are very well known and there no issues.