Mom guilt dilemma

[twinmomma]

I am really struggling with what to do here. 

DD1 is in the school band. She loves it and is genuinely excited about it. She's been lazy about practicing at home, but I've been working with her to get better habits started and DH and I have been really encouraging her when she does practice. She's good! Just lazy, as any kid is when it comes to something like that. 

Her holiday band concert is next week. 

Turns out, it conflicts with the annual planning retreat I am attending and helping to run for work. I will be about an hour away at a hotel. I'll be in meetings from 9-5, then dinner, spending the night, then meetings 9-5 again the next day. The concert is at the same time as our leadership dinner/socializing time. 

I let DD1 know that I don't think I'll be able to attend the concert because of this conflict a few days ago. She was heartbroken and crying. Since then, she keeps bringing it up and begging me to figure out a way to go see her play. It's breaking my heart, because I've never missed something like this for any of the kids. I tried to reassure her that DH can go and Facetime me so that I can see it, but she's really upset that I won't be there in person. 

To try and make this work, I could skip the dinner, drive home the hour and watch the half hour concert, and then drive back to still spend the night and be there for the rest of the retreat. People may even still be socializing when I get back, as it wouldn't be super late at night. I'd probably get back to the hotel around 8 PM. 

Is this insane to try and coordinate? Would you do this, or would you just use it as a teachable moment for DD1 and working parenthood and that we can't always have everything we want? Ugh. 

[waverly]

If I were too far away at a conference then I wouldn’t go.

But you are only an hour away so to me that is kind of local and might be doable to make it. Is your boss OK with you missing the leadership dinner? I’d make the decision based on that.
My boss almost never cares if I miss things but my job is very different. Also 2 hours of driving is a lot presumably in the dark hopefully traffic wouldn’t be that bad. So I would take a look at logistics, but I do think at least in my area without traffic that it’s doable.

[cjcouple]

Oooof - do you want to do that? I mean, I have turned down work Christmas parties/events over my kids games and such but I don't really want to be at the work thing and miss the games and they are never something that's required or anything.

Weather would also make an impact on my decision (I'm in New England). I'd probably leave it at you can't make it and if you decide last minute it'll work, you could surprise her and show up but it's not uncommon for parents to have occasional conflicts. Sometimes it's one kids event over another.

[momof2]

For me, this would be a teachable moment. On occasion, kids just need to suck it up and deal. My job is important. I’m the primary earner. And time for networking is part of what funds my kid’s life.

And my kid is the kind that would bring it up again and again. And ultimately use it to negotiate something for herself “well, since you missed my concert, you should take me out for a special dinner.” Which I will then happily do.

[dglvrk2]

Mind you, I don't know your boss, but would getting their take on this help? You could bring it up and see how they respond.

My gut reaction is for you to go because you're not that far away and it's her first middle school concert. If this was any other concert, I'd be much more inclined to stay at the work event. But it seems like your encouragement has helped thus far and your presence would be very meaningful.

That being said, I really appreciate what a pp said about making this a teachable moment and doing something special with her in return.

[mae0111]

Ugh I'm sorry. This sucks. I will say this... DH has missed approximately 90% of the kids' things like this at their old school. Talent shows, concerts, awards ceremonies (he missed both of DD1's national honor society inductions)... he was on the road or booked up with meetings. I would just record things for him. The kids never said anything to him, ever. They never mentioned anything to me about it either. But it was always a HUGE deal if I didn't participate - and most of the time, it was something like a stupid book fair and the kids were old enough to go alone... and they'd still try to make me feel bad.

My point is, I think part of this is Mom missing it, where Dad missing it wouldn't be an issue.

I think the fact that you can step out to watch the concert on Facetime is awesome, and more than enough. Tell her you can't wait to see it, you'll be thinking of her, and you know that she's going to kill it... and watch it from your hotel room.

[librarychica]

I would not go back for the concern. She is upset, I’m sure, but this is not just a retreat you happen to be attending it is something you run as a part of your job. I would explain one more time why this particular work event is hard to change, and then focus on who else will be seeing her concert, how great you know she’s going to do, and just stay firm and consistent. It sucks but it is what it is.

You are an involved parent but sometimes things happen and that is okay.

[twinmomma]

Dec 4, 2023 8:36:18 GMT -5 dglvrk2 said:

Mind you, I don't know your boss, but would getting their take on this help? You could bring it up and see how they respond.

My gut reaction is for you to go because you're not that far away and it's her first middle school concert. If this was any other concert, I'd be much more inclined to stay at the work event. But it seems like your encouragement has helped thus far and your presence would be very meaningful.

That being said, I really appreciate what a pp said about making this a teachable moment and doing something special with her in return.

This is where I'm at too. Driving the hour back and forth is really not a big deal to me. Is it ideal? No. But it's a straight shot on the highway and there shouldn't be any traffic so it's an easy drive. She even brought up the "first middle school concert" thing to me too. 

[twinmomma]

My boss is generally very understanding about family obligations. But for this event, he's very hung up on the "socializing/bonding" time, which he never has been before. I asked my work BFF her take on it and she said it's worth a shot to ask if I can be excused from the dinner piece. I emailed him just to float the idea.

DD1 would have plenty of people there to watch her. ExH will go, DH will go, I think ExH's parent would pop by if I asked. But like mae0111 said, she seems super upset that I personally won't be there. God knows her dad has flaked on enough stuff in the past and she hasn't batted an eye as long as I'm there.

[rere]

I can only answer to what I would do. I would go to the concert. My boss would have no issues and is a very family stuff first if possible.

This may be my own hang up. It was important that I made all the things. Maybe because I'm a late Gen X kid and if my dad made 1 game a season that was something and my mom usually didn't go either and just found me a ride to get where I'm going. And because Dhs parents and mine still suck at attending things, usually it was just Dh and I cheering our kids on, while other kids had family that took the entire row.

[CrazyLucky]

I would not go, especially if DH could facetime me and I could watch it live. My kids understand that I have a job and that's what pays for a lot of the stuff they do, and on a VERY RARE occasion, it may conflict with their activities. I'm at every game, every concert, every court of honor, etc. I do the best I can and try not to let the guilt get to me too much.
You can't really make a wrong choice here and you will probably second guess yourself either way. But try not to!

[supertrooper1]

I would see how your boss responds to your email about missing the dinner and go from there. I would not hesitate to miss it if the work dinner is super important.

I was a 3 sport athlete in school, plus band and other activities. My parents tried to come to my games and concerts, but between the farm and their evening jobs, they missed most of my games and concerts. While I was slightly envious of the girls who had parents that made it to everything, including away games, I understood that my parents had to support our family and work was more important.

[mustardseed2007]

If I have a work conflict that involves something where I'm not an active or important participant, I know it and I know if I can skip it. I would skip the dinner and socializing if I can but if it's important to my job then I absolutely would not and it's a teachable moment.

[sdlaura]

That's a tough one. Agree with mustardseed2007. I think you'd be fine either way. I definitely miss stuff for my kids (including the occasional birthday) for work commitments. There will always be other times to celebrate/other important events to go to. If you can have other family attend and have them video her for you to watch, I think it's OK to miss it.

[sandandsea]

This is hard. I would skip it and explain that it’s a bummer and you’re really sad too but are glad we at least have technology for Dh to FaceTime.

I had to miss dss (7) school concert because we got one week notice for a Thursday 1pm concert and of course I was already double booked at work. It was the first “big thing” I’ve missed. He was sad but understood as we explained that sometimes we have to miss things we really want to do because of something we have to do. It was a few weeks ago at this point and is old history and hasn’t been brought up again.

We did have him do a show at home afterwards where he performed the songs for us while we sat on the couch, I even announced him and asked him to “take the stage” so he felt special and it was a good makeup.

[twinmomma]

I just chatted with my boss about it and he said that he'd never tell me that I can't attend the concert and that I'm required to attend the dinner because we currently don't hold managers to many standards for events like that. But, requiring managers to attend company events is actually one of the major discussion topics that we're going over in this retreat. So he said don't be surprised if someone calls me out on it, but it's my call to make.

I'm going to just tell DD1 that it's just not possible for me to be there. It felt like a stretch and it will just add extra stress to an already crazy couple days.

I like the idea of her having her own concert at home for all of us after!

[momof2]

Dec 4, 2023 15:14:00 GMT -5 twinmomma said:

I just chatted with my boss about it and he said that he'd never tell me that I can't attend the concert and that I'm required to attend the dinner because we currently don't hold managers to many standards for events like that. But, requiring managers to attend company events is actually one of the major discussion topics that we're going over in this retreat. So he said don't be surprised if someone calls me out on it, but it's my call to make.

I'm going to just tell DD1 that it's just not possible for me to be there. It felt like a stretch and it will just add extra stress to an already crazy couple days.

I like the idea of her having her own concert at home for all of us after!

Given this background, you absolutely need to stay for the work event. And really, I bet you go to 90% of her stuff. I’m also Gen X whose parents didn’t go to stuff. My parents literally shipped us away for 8 weeks every summer. I don’t think the response to that has to be “I must attend it all.”

[ECB]

I was already in the "don't go" side, and with your update, yeah... you need to stay at the retreat.

Going to DSs events is absolutely a priority to us. I've probably missed maybe 10% of stuff? To what momof2 said - I think it's good that we've swung the pendulum back to where we (parents) try to attend as much stuff as we can. But I don't think swinging it from our parents not going to anything to we must go to EVERYTHING makes sense either.

I like what someone upthread said - maybe you can find something special to do with her to make up for not being able to be there.

[traveltheworld]

I agree with a PP that it can be a teachable moment. We don't always get to do what we want - and in your case, I'd make it very clear that you want to go, but you just can't.

I tell my kids this all the time - if it were a decision between going to their activities and doing something for myself, I'd always pick them. But if it's between their activities and my work, well sometimes I'm going to pick work, as others are depending on me.

I would not feel guilty at all.

[ECB]

Dec 4, 2023 17:40:28 GMT -5 traveltheworld said:

I agree with a PP that it can be a teachable moment. We don't always get to do what we want - and in your case, I'd make it very clear that you want to go, but you just can't.

I tell my kids this all the time - if it were a decision between going to their activities and doing something for myself, I'd always pick them. But if it's between their activities and my work, well sometimes I'm going to pick work, as others are depending on me.

I would not feel guilty at all.

even this - I think it’s ok to sometimes miss stuff for yourself too!

[campermom]

I agree w the teachable moment piece.
My kids would feed off my feelings too-if it were my either of my two youngest ones I’d have to deliver it directly (compassionate)but with NO wavering. They’d feed on my mom guilt and try to get me to bend——and contort my way into a scenario you described where I run myself ragged. These dilemmas aren’t easy!

[waverly]

Well if it makes you feel better, I just realized that DH is traveling next week and will miss DD's concert. He will be across the country so it's obviously not happening, but I bet she will be mostly OK with it.