Ugh Monday...

[mae0111]

How was the weekend?  What's up this week?

[mommyatty]

We had a really good weekend. I had forgotten the version of A Christmas Carol we were seeing was actually “A Radio Show” that turned out to be very funny and really fun. The premise is a radio station is supposed to do a national broadcast of “A Christmas Carol” but the entire cast is snowed in, so the announcer has to do the whole show himself. He asked for volunteers to do certain things, including ring bells when cued. My autistic, ADHD 9 year old raised his hand and was chosen. He did great, and I think it helped him concentrate on the show because he needed to watch for his cues. Plus we took a fuzzy soft blanket for him, and I think that really helped him from a sensory standpoint. So that felt like a huge win.

Also before the play, DD asked if she could get a snack from the snack bar. And she pulled out her own money, grabbed her brother’s hand, and treated him to a snack too. I really, really loved that, and I felt like I am maybe not screwing up my kids after all.

This week is going to suck at work. It just is. No getting around it. So I’m trying to concentrate on getting through it.

[twinmomma]

We hosted our holiday party on Saturday and it was amazing! It was a big mix of our families and friends and it seemed like everyone genuinely had a good time. DH killed it with the menu and people were raving about all of it. (I couldn't eat any of it because of my stomach issues, so I'm jealous) And there wasn't a single incident or meltdown with 8 kids running around like maniacs, so that is a Christmas miracle! DH and I were both just so happy to be able to have a house full of people over and host. He loves feeding people and I love chatting with folks, so it's a good balance when we host something.

Sunday was a quiet recovery day. We cleaned the house, played some board games, and just relaxed. We watched the new Netflix movie Family Switch and it was super cute.

I tried to eat some real food yesterday for lunch and it didn't go well, so I'm back to toast, broth, and jello. I have to follow up with my PCP for next steps.

[mae0111]

It was a weirdly busy weekend when I thought I'd be able to kind of hunker down and get organized for the holidays.

Friday evening I was just wiped out from not really sleeping all week. We didn't do much, and went to bed early.

Saturday I got up and met a friend from the kids' old school for coffee. It's Christmas Bazaar week, and it sounds like it's an absolute mess. While I never chaired the committee (this friend does), I did the vast majority of the hard set-up work with one other mom. Now I'm gone, and that mom pulled her kid out of the school in mid-October and won't speak to anyone anymore. My friend must have asked me more than 10 times to come and help with the set up. No ma'am. Shan't.

I rushed home for the kids' basketball games. DD2 was crying when I got home - never figured out why - and DD1 refused to go to her game. Came home and took the kids Christmas shopping for a few hours, then DH and I went out to dinner to catch up.

Sunday I took the kids to see my parents, and brought some warm clothes for my nieces that are coming to visit soon from a much warmer climate. On the way home, we stopped to get a few things for a gift bag craft I saw on Instagram, and the kids did that for a while when we got home. Then the fights started, and ended with DD2 having a several hour long meltdown.

This morning started with DD1 demanding to go see a play tonight that she will be seeing at school tomorrow. They've kind of made it clear that they don't want students attending tonight since seating is limited, and they will see it tomorrow. She had a total meltdown when we said that she wasn't supposed to go. Refused to get ready for school, but was trying to block the door so I couldn't take DD2. Finally got out the door and she called me several times on the way to school. Came home and she's continuing to try to fight with us... but I just kept saying that I would take her to school if she wanted, or she could stay home, but she would not have screens. Lots of screaming - it was ALL MY FAULT that she was late, ALL MY FAULT that she was upset, ALL MY FAULT that she couldn't go to the play. I finally just went up to my office and told her that I would be happy to take her to school when she was ready. I dropped her off an hour late.

I had my whole morning laid out, and it all blew up. I'm already exhausted.

One other big thing... for a variety of reasons, I'm considering quitting my job. Bottom line is that, while I'm enjoying it, it doesn't feel worth it to me anymore. In a lot of ways, it feels like I'm doing more harm than good by working.

[librarychica]

We had a fantastic weekend. Really wonderful. Our weekends have been fine but humdrum lately so I’m very appreciative, lol.

Saturday started out with a bunch of hard labor. Yardwork, more yardwork, we laid 2 pallets of mulch but the yard looks fantastic now. DD1 had preexisting shopping plans with her gram (and will be tasked with deep cleaning the patio this week since she missed the day of yardwork) and had a wonderful time. She was there until Sunday when my dad came over, dropped her off, and grabbed her sister for a movie. So both kids got solo grandparent time and were thrilled with it. After all the mulching H and I took DD2 out to see a really great light display and dinner, then we had friends over the next morning for brunch and games. H also put away the mountain of laundry that had piled up while I was tucking in kids, so that’s also great.

Overall, great weekend. Would do again.

OTOH, though I was at work last week I am really not sure what I was doing. I was here? I was occupied with things? So this morning I am resolved to close out some lingering projects.

[librarychica]

Ugh, mae0111, that sounds like an awful morning. I hope the day gets better.

[rere]

Great weekend. We went to Dds university for a game. Dd was excited to show her brother her apartment and her favoriterestaurant. 2 of Ds's friends went too. Keeping up with them after the game was like hearding cats, so I just had to release it. They're big boys.

Sunday was chill. I wrapped some presents. Ds grilled burgers and we watched Home Alone. It would have been perfect, but this time we were missing Dd.

[supertrooper1]

We had a good weekend. Saturday we were up earlier than normal on a weekend without DS, so we decided to have breakfast at a popular spot in our town. Usually the wait is over an hour, but we were able to get a table with just a few minute wait. Then we went Christmas shopping all day. It was fun to just browse the stores. While we weren't able to buy everything in the store, we at least got the ideas we needed to finish everything online. We came home, had dinner and then decided to go to the theater to see the new Ms. Marvel movie which was really good.

Sunday was our lazy day. We lounged around the first part of the day watching football and went to the gym in the afternoon. This week shouldn't be too busy. I'm taking a half day from work today to go get my hair cut and colored.

[sdlaura]

Our bedroom rearrangement went well - everyone is sleeping better than expected! Friday night, we took apart 3-year-old's crib (and someone on Buy Nothing came to get it and the mattress the next morning, which was great!) and moved our old queen bed into that room so it can be DD's. We moved 3-year-old's big dresser into the room he's now sharing with 6-year-old, since DD's queen bed has drawers underneath and her new room is tight with a big bed and big dresser. 9-year-old initially moved his clothes into his brothers' room, but then changed his mind and decided to stay in his old room that he had shared with DD, and just took over her top bunk. We told them we'd stick with this set-up on weeknights but that they can sleep in different rooms if they want on weekends.

Then I managed to put together DH's and my new king bed with "help" from 3 and 6 year old. I feel like I leveled up on parenting/patience levels We ended up with an upholstered frame with drawers, and then we laid the adjustable frame things on the slats, and put our new two twins on top. We like the adjustability so far (DH snored a lot less with the incline on his side), but we're not sure about the mattresses themselves. They are hybrid ones and mine feels a little too soft. We'll see.

6-year-old has done awesome sneaking out of the room he is now sharing with 3-year-old without waking up his little brother. He even unloaded the dishwasher before anyone was up today - ha.

Otherwise this weekend involved 4 softball games at weird times, which caused DD and me to both only get 6 hours of sleep Saturday night (her team was already scheduled for late games in their tournament Saturday and then the games were running way behind, and based on her team's seeding they had to play again early Sunday). Then both older kids had basketball games yesterday. But overall it was a good weekend. 

I normally have 2-3 WFH days per week, but I only have 1 in the next two weeks due to client meetings and travel. Boo.

[erbear]

mae0111, ignore if this is too personal, but what's going on with your kids? It sounds like multi-hour meltdowns are common, for both of them. Have you been able to get any help to try to stop this? It sounds awful and must be hella stressful to deal with.

[mae0111]

erbear , yes, they're pretty common, moreso with DD1 than with DD2. Neither kid is neurotypical, but there are no behavioral issues at school or anywhere else, so I'm likely the problem.

Both kids are in therapy and on medication for ADHD. I'm in therapy. DH and I are in couples counseling. All to deal with these multi-hour long meltdowns that happen anywhere from once a week to every day. Usually only one kid has a meltdown at a time, so that's helpful. But we never have a normal, easy day in our house.

It's terrible. And exhausting. And lonely. And one of the reasons that I'm considering quitting my job... because I don't get any kind of breather in between working and gearing up for our nightly meltdowns. It's getting harder and harder for me to recover from them. Considering I made 3% of our household income this year, it wouldn't be a financial loss.

[erbear]

mae0111, I’ve been a teacher and a parent long enough to know that it’s a very rare occurrence that someone is “the problem”. Kids act out and the “safe person” gets the brunt of it — not a consolation in the moment but they know you love them no matter how shitty their behavior is, and no one else has engendered that amount of safety for them. And I can only imagine how sucky it feels ❤️

[waverly]

I posted a little bit already in the holiday mental load.

Friday, lots of housework, bought holiday decor for planters, clean up outside and put out decorations.

Saturday- DS had his first indoor soccer game and loved it. I took DD shopping for her presents. Sunday we put up the tree and I worked and today I am off for yesterday. I made it to the Chiro and finished up laundry, errands, cleaning.

Why do my weekends always sound like more chores and errands than everyone else? Do you guys have housecleaners?

[k3am]

mae0111 , what meds are they on for ADHD? Have you reached out to the doctor prescribing? It's great that you have a strategy that helps for school. But it isn't working if the rest of the hours are going south so often. 

Speaking as a parent of a child who also had excessively long meltdowns that we are finally seeing improvement from thanks to medication. 

[sdlaura]

waverly we do have a housecleaner who comes every two weeks. So I'm never scrubbing the whole floor or all of the toilets, though everyday includes chores/clean up because four kids. And my house is just never that clean

It's hard for me to get errands done on weekends because of the kids and their ages. My kids love going to Target or the post office, but I hate bringing them. So I have always tended to do more errands on work days. Whether at lunch, or on my way home, or now on a WFH day between meetings. I also have a Shipt membership and can get anything delivered within 3 hours from a bunch of stores, and I just tip the person. So I use that a lot. I spend probably 2 hours a weekend on laundry and cleaning up, but it just has to fit in between all the other stuff we have going on so it's not part of my plans that I mention, you know? I did a yard cleanup recently on a random Thursday morning when I was WFH and had some time between meetings.

mae0111 do you like having a job/does it provide any mental health benefits for you? I wouldn't worry about the percentage of family income if it does. For me personally, one of the reasons I have never wanted to be a SAHM is that I think I would focus too much on my kids and DH being like most of my world. While I love them dearly, I like that whatever issue they are having can't take up all the space in my head because I have other work stuff to worry about and focus on.

[k3am]

waverly, we have cleaners. Ours come weekly and they are my saving grace. They are cheap, consistent, and we trust them... I still end up having to clean stuff if I want it done in a particular fashion or it's out of the ordinary (closet door tracts, dry vents, ceiling fans, whatever), but it's easier to do if all the little stuff is taken care of. I'm still vacuuming up cheerios daily, but there is no toilet/floor scrubbing in my life, and they change all the sheets weekly. (This falls into the cheap but done category - I've never met anyone worse at making beds, but it's good enough.

[186momx]

Saturday DD and I were gone for 13 hours for her gymnastics meet. I didn't sleep great and Sunday it poured all day so we had 100% lazy day. DH was mopey and I told him to go do something and his response was it was to wet to do anything so I pipped back he then needed to stop moping. Sunday I did laundry, cooked, and just rested while DD watched Scooby Doo Movies.

mae0111, would your family just take more advantage of you if you stop working? I guess they expect a lot of you and at least now you can use the "I have to work". I guess I can see every morning going like to today because well mom can take me whenever because she just stays home.

supertrooper1, any flooding in your area?

DD finally got her science project info. She had a topic picked out and her teacher vetoed it and now she has no clue what to do. WPs have any cool ideas. Tri-fold board required and students don't present it is judged blind. So they are supposed to post pictures on the board of whatever they did.

[mae0111]

186momx - DD1 did a neat science project on bacteria on everyday surfaces. The hypothesis was “is your phone dirtier than a toilet?”

We ordered broth petri plates and she took samples of all different surfaces and we watched everything grow. It was gross 🤮

[mae0111]

k3am - they are both on Vyvanse, and it works beautifully for about 8 hours. The meltdowns are before/after meds. DD1 takes a booster here and there if she has something (late game or lots of homework) but it does affect her sleep so we try not to do it.

Both did terribly on Ritalin and Adderall, which have short-acting options. So the NP stays away from stuff like that. It might just be something we have to deal with.

And believe it or not, the meltdowns have improved. Before meds, daily hours-long meltdowns were a guarantee. Now it’s more like a possibility.

[supertrooper1]

186momx, no flooding yet. There is still a flood warning, but I don't think it's warmed up as much as they thought it would to melt the early mountain snow. People are just starting to get their houses finished from the last major flood two years ago so I really hope it doesn't happen.

For a science fair project, what about something to do with gardening? Different growing mediums, different soil conditions or fertilizers, different lighting, etc.

[librarychica]

waverly I think my last three weekend updates before this one have been like “well we will probably do laundry and maybe sit on the couch” so you’re not alone!

[k3am]

mae0111, you can ask if they can add in a non-stimulant as an adjunctive therapy. DD is on intuniv (non-stimulant) as a monotherapy, but it's more commonly used as an adjunctive to help level out the valleys of the stimulant wearying off. Our psychiatrist said she'd prefer to start just about every ADHD with emotional lability off with Intuniv, but that the standard practice is stimulants as a front line. We were just the oddballs, since she wanted to avoid stimulants based on DD's wonky brain - she'd rather start with Intuniv and add stimulants if needed down the line. Aside from 1-2 days of sleepiness after starting/increasing a dose, we have had 0 side effects.

There may be something else that can help as well. If your NP isn't comfortable adding in other options, it may be worth seeing a psychiatrist.

[mae0111]

k3am - we actually tried Guanfacine very briefly and it was terrible for DD1. The drowsiness was extreme, so the NP recommended we give it to her in the afternoon. She literally couldn’t get out of bed the next day. She screamed a LOT. We stopped after 5 days.

[dglvrk2]

mae0111, I'm so sorry you have so much going on. I really commend you for trying to give yourself some downtime. If work give you some healthy outlets, is cutting back on hours an option?

My DD1 has gone through phases of frequent meltdowns. This past spring was really rough. She's had two major, multiple-hour meltdowns in the past six months and several minor -like ten to 30 minute- ones. Once she snaps out of her moods, it's like nothing ever happened. She recovers far more quickly than I do.
It's as if we are both riding a roller coaster, screaming to get off, but when we get off, she comments about how fun it was while I need to vomit.

To her credit , she's gotten better about recovering from big emotions in the past few months. I would still love for her to talk to a therapist, but she refuses to go to one. These behaviors indicate anxiety and I know more outlets would help.

Working with her has given me more anxiety though too. I have been in therapy and taking a small daily dose of Zoloft for almost a year. I went to therapy initially for other issues, but her behaviors can be triggers for me.

[mommyatty]

dglvrk2- in our house, therapy isn’t optional. DS goes. He needs it. He hates going, but it’s very much a “tough shit, you’re going anyway” situation. If we ever think DD needs to go (we keep an eye on her), it’ll be the same way. I’m not at all a strict parent. There are very few things in our house that are non-negotiable, but health falls into that category. You’re getting vaccines, you’re having check ups, and if you need therapy, you are going to therapy.

[waverly]

DD's behavior has sort of turned around. She is still quick to anger which is a personality aspect she inherited from DH. But, she is actively working on controlling her anger. She saw the school social worker, and we set up a plan for mornings which are the worst time. Neither of us are morning people so neither of us are up for any kind of shenanigans ha ha.

We had the weekend with time outs and that seemed to set boundaries and the one on one. So I think we will just KOKO since that seems to work. Fingers crossed that we are on the upswing.

[mae0111]

I push therapy as well. DD2 was resistant, but I think that she sees that it helps her, so she doesn't put up as much of a fight. DD1 loves therapy - mostly because I think it's someone paying 100% attention to her. But she's amazing at avoiding hard discussions. It's almost a work of art the way she can change the subject.

This morning was mostly smooth because DD1 wouldn't get up, and I wouldn't argue with her. So DD2 got ready in peace, and finally told DD1 that we had to leave like 3 mins before we were about to walk out the door. She tried to go to school without brushing her hair or her teeth, wearing the same clothes as yesterday. When I told her to brush her teeth the yelling started. But at least it was only a very short time, and most of the morning was quiet.

Therapy for both kids this afternoon.

[k3am]

Dec 5, 2023 9:37:06 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

dglvrk2 - in our house, therapy isn’t optional. DS goes. He needs it. He hates going, but it’s very much a “tough shit, you’re going anyway” situation. If we ever think DD needs to go (we keep an eye on her), it’ll be the same way. I’m not at all a strict parent. There are very few things in our house that are non-negotiable, but health falls into that category. You’re getting vaccines, you’re having check ups, and if you need therapy, you are going to therapy.

We took DD to therapy. It's a waste of time. She is stubborn enough that it's not worth it for me to coordinate appointments and pull her out of school so that she can play games for an hour. Even the therapist recommended discontinuing therapy. Therapy only works if the person involved is working it. 

[186momx]

mae0111, that just sounds gross. I suggested something to do with saving the bees and how bees work/live. I have a honeybee farmer who is happy to give tours of his hives and extraction. DD found some instructions on how to make caviar balls similar to what you see on the baking show. She was going to try and talk to her teacher during office hours today.

[mommyatty]

Dec 5, 2023 11:44:57 GMT -5 k3am said:

Dec 5, 2023 9:37:06 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

dglvrk2 - in our house, therapy isn’t optional. DS goes. He needs it. He hates going, but it’s very much a “tough shit, you’re going anyway” situation. If we ever think DD needs to go (we keep an eye on her), it’ll be the same way. I’m not at all a strict parent. There are very few things in our house that are non-negotiable, but health falls into that category. You’re getting vaccines, you’re having check ups, and if you need therapy, you are going to therapy.

We took DD to therapy. It's a waste of time. She is stubborn enough that it's not worth it for me to coordinate appointments and pull her out of school so that she can play games for an hour. Even the therapist recommended discontinuing therapy. Therapy only works if the person involved is working it. 

With kids (well, everyone), you have to find the right therapist. We had to try a couple to find one DS would work with. It’s hard, but worth it. He thinks they’re just “playing games.” But they’re working on emotional regulation, coping strategies, the give and take of conversation, and how to approach others to make friends. We didn’t think it was doing much, but when we had a few weeks where scheduling got in the way, DS had an enormous meltdown at school because he didn’t have that outlet and support. But he still fights us on it every week.