Convincing 80yo aunt to move to assisted living

[vasc]

I put this in the Monday thread but am so stressed about it.  Husband is tired of hearing about it so I'm dumping it here.

Aunt is 80 and blind.  She's been on a waiting list for an assisted living space near my house since August (out of state for her, this will be a multi-state move).  Yesterday the facility emailed me to say her name is at the top of the list and an apartment is available for her.  She has until Friday to commit or pass.  If she passes, she will remain on the waiting list but I believe she is still 2nd or 3rd (I got the impression that the folks in slots ahead of her had also passed up this room, so she's not exactly at the top).

I spoke to Aunt yesterday and told her this good news but she is pushing back hard about moving forward.  She has had in her head that she would move in the spring (May, June, or July).  I explained that the waiting list doesn't work that way...she may not be offered a space at that time.  The excuses started flowing....what about all her stuff, and also her dog.  (The dog can come with her!).  Basically it boils down to her anxieties about leaving.  I firmly believe she will never feel completely ready...she just needs to rip off the bandaid.

The studio that's being offered is on the first floor (the place has two floors).  I'm working on finding out which unit specifically is being offered...it could potentially be right next to the nurse's station, common living room, and dining room...which is ideal for her needs.

I've recruited my brother to call her to discuss it today.  I reached out to other trusted people in her social circle to also talk to her about it.  If she does not agree to move I will be LIVID.  

[waverly]

No advice just commiseration. When my dad recovered enough to be aware he moved out of assisted living to a hotel got drunk and fell. The door was locked so he had to crawl across the room to open it for paramedics. He then went to rehab. After getting out he rented a room and then fell again and broke his hip. After a psych stay and hip surgery he was picked up by assisted living and been living there ever since. Best place for him. And best thing for us too.

It’s a delicate process and needle to thread. Keep going.

[mae0111]

I'm sorry. I don't have any advice, as we really haven't had to go through this. I was too young to contribute to decisions like this when my grandparents went through it, and my parents aren't quite there yet.

I can imagine it's quite a scary thing to do - leave everything she knows and her social circle and move to what is essentially the unknown. I know you don't have a lot of time, but I think you're doing the right thing - have her friends talk to her and reassure her, get ALL the facts about the unit to present them to her (if it's next to the nurses station, will it be loud? Will that matter to her? etc.). I feel like that's really all you can do.

Good luck. This is tough, and your aunt is lucky to have you looking out for her.

[vasc]

She's completely blind and therefore not at risk for somehow leaving any facility on her own accord...she doesn't drive, can't do any banking or financial stuff independently, etc. She would like the close proximity to the nurse's station, I think, since she will need a lot of 1:1 assistance moving around her apartment and moving to the common areas (with her rollator walker).

[vasc]

She has a diagnosis of anxiety and a prescription for Ativan up to 4x daily. 4x!! I wish I could just sedate her for a month to move her here and then push through.

[ECB]

If she does say no, try to quell the anger... I say that in the sense of if she says "no", then use the time between now and when a slot opens up to talk to her more, etc.

It sounds like this is the first REAL "o.k., now it's going to happen" moment and I expect that yes, it probably is freaking her out and tapping into her anxiety. It's a HUGE move. HUGE. We've talked a tad to FIL about the idea of assisted living near where we live (and near his grandson who he says he wants to see more/ get to know more) and he pushes back on this - and he only lives an hour away. But he has a community where he lives - his temple, his friends, etc. He's lived there for over 50 years.

So, it's really a LOT and it may be a "no" the first time, but as it's more real now, it might be what she needs to really put it into context and take it more seriously.

Also, I wonder if you could reach out to someone (a counselor, maybe even someone at the home you're looking at?) who can give you some tips/ talking points that acknowledge how big this is and to try and work WITH her fears and anxiety instead of just talking around these issues.

[mommyatty]

This sounds really mean, but can you just very bluntly tell her “We want to be there for you and help you, but we can’t when you’re so far away. We love you, and this is the best solution to keep you safe and healthy and well-supported.”

I can’t imagine how scary it must be as a blind person who is that old to leave everything she knows. I know it’s the right thing, but omg the emotions she must be feeling. And that’s even putting aside an anxiety diagnosis.

[vasc]

Dec 6, 2023 11:42:40 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

This sounds really mean, but can you just very bluntly tell her “We want to be there for you and help you, but we can’t when you’re so far away. We love you, and this is the best solution to keep you safe and healthy and well-supported.”

I can’t imagine how scary it must be as a blind person who is that old to leave everything she knows. I know it’s the right thing, but omg the emotions she must be feeling. And that’s even putting aside an anxiety diagnosis.

That's basically what it will come down to today or tomorrow unless she comes to the conclusion herself.  

[sdlaura]

I agree with mommyatty. It must be a huge scary move for her but everyone knows it’s for the best. I would try to tell her as compassionately as possible that it is going to happen.

You are amazing for everything you’ve done for her!

[supertrooper1]

I agree with PPs that she will need to be gently told that it has to happen now. It will be short term hurt feelings for long term gain.

When I was in my early 20's, my grandma went from the hospital to a convalescence center after an illness. She was still living alone in her big house and my uncle and mom decided that she couldn't go home. Up to this point, she had declined moving into assisted living. When she was able to leave the convalescence center, my uncle told her she couldn't go home and they had an assisted living apartment set up. She was very pissed that she had no say in the decision, but after a short transition period, she ended up loving it. She lived there until her passing about 5 years later and made so many friends.

[rere]

Dec 6, 2023 11:42:40 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

This sounds really mean, but can you just very bluntly tell her “We want to be there for you and help you, but we can’t when you’re so far away. We love you, and this is the best solution to keep you safe and healthy and well-supported.”

I can’t imagine how scary it must be as a blind person who is that old to leave everything she knows. I know it’s the right thing, but omg the emotions she must be feeling. And that’s even putting aside an anxiety diagnosis.

I agree. It's so hard to take care of an adult who can't take care of themselves. I had to use this approach with dad. I pretty much had to say, we physically cannot take care of your needs and will not be able to drop everything and get to you in an emergency.

Maybe sweetening the deal with all of the benefits of being close. Does she have much of a social life at her current location?

[ECB]

vasc - what is the situation with your aunt? Yes, she's 80 and blind. But is she actually unable to care for herself? How long has she been blind? Does she presently need constant help/assistance? If so, who is doing that now?

[vasc]

Dec 6, 2023 20:08:21 GMT -5 ECB said:

vasc - what is the situation with your aunt? Yes, she's 80 and blind. But is she actually unable to care for herself? How long has she been blind? Does she presently need constant help/assistance? If so, who is doing that now?

She had an episode of confusion in April that led to a 5-day hospitalization.  The physician team treated her for a UTI and low sodium but as I reviewed all the MyChart notes it seemed that the larger hypothesis was that she had skipped some doses of medication that was leading to the confusion.  From that hospital stay, I connected her with in-home care from a visiting nurse 1x per week for medication management and then CNA helpers 2-3x per week for chores, housekeeping, errands, etc.  

Around August Aunt disclosed to me her desire to move to an assisted living facility closer to me.  I toured a place near me (walking distance!) and with her consent put her on the waiting list.  It required a $500 deposit so not anything that was without some commitment.  So now that a room is available and she is declining it I am pissed.

[vasc]

We ended up declining the room. The assisted living sales personnel confirmed that Aunt is actually #1 on the waiting list and will be offered the next room that becomes available. She felt confident more rooms would be available through the spring which is when Aunt is wanting to move.

[k3am]

vasc, assisted living rooms open up relatively frequently. It's just the nature of their business model and their clientele. It is really common for people to feel pressured into making a move, or moving into a more expensive unit for fear that that's all that's available and that they may not have that opportunity again.

You are (thankfully) in a situation where the situation isn't ideal, but isn't dire. Letting her do it on her own terms will hopefully make the transition easier for all of you. She is lucky to have a niece that is willing and able to step up like this and help her out.

[vasc]

It turns out she has a bucket list wish to be in her home on April 8 for the solar eclipse that is passing through the northeast corridor. I had no idea this was a wish!