S/o: what do we owe our elderly parents?

[glitzy07]

I will do what I can for my mom while maintaining my own busy job/life/mental health. She did the same for her parents and would visit my grandpa every weekday on her way home from work until he died. My mom lives locally and does everything she can for my sister and I, so I will do what I can for her when the time comes. But that does NOT include moving in with me. I have to draw the line there for a variety of reasons.

My dad died last year and honestly, my first feeling was relief. He was an alcoholic who refused to take care of himself in any way and if he was still alive and my mom passed first it would have been a huge thing. I don’t/didn’t have the same compassion for him that I do for my mom.

My sister also lives locally and I’m sure she’ll pitch in however she can for our mom, but the reality is that I’ll probably have to take care of my sister too someday. She has zero money saved, is self employed so no retirement, and I worry that she’s heading down the same path as our dad.

I won’t be as generous to my in-laws because of some conflict we’ve had in the recent-ish past regarding our children. DH and his sister can handle that on their own. I remember when we first started dating his grandma from his mom’s side needed a lot of assistance and the daughters and DIL all pitched in but never the sons. I hate the idea that the caregivers need to be women and DH knows that. So he knows that it’s his family and his responsibility, not mine. And his sister is also historically a mess, so he’ll need to step up in some way.

[Jalapeñomel]

Dec 9, 2023 9:13:54 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Sorry for what everyone is dealing with.

I’m an only child and my parents are divorced. They have always cared for me and are wonderful people so I’ll have no problems caring for them mentally. My mom is single and my dad has remarried. Both of their fianances are ok and my dad was in the military for 20+ years. They both live in the same town about a 5 hour drive from me and there’s no way I’d ever live there, so that’s going to be the only complicated thing.

My dad’s dad live alone (and with his girlfriend) until he was 93 and 4 months before his death. My mom’s mom is 106 and she lives back and forth with my mom and aunt and needs more and more care these days with cooking and bathing but still walks and talks and enjoys some activities. It is definitely hard work being a care giver. But my mom says her mom took care of her for at least 18 years growing up so she definitely feels and wants to take care of her mom now. I think I’ll feel the same.

106?!!!! Holy cow! This is incredible!

[jewel]

I’ve thought about this a lot recently.

My mom and her sisters have spent the last 10 years dedicating a lot of time and LOADS of money to caring for my grandparents as they aged, and eventually died. They were able to remain in their house only because of the effort that my mom and aunts put in, and $10k + per month in live-in help hired.

But, my mom and aunts all had a terrible childhood. They were not well-cared for. My grandparents spent any extra money on their own addictions and interests. They were terrible parents. It’s really interesting to me that all of their kids still ended up around, willing and able to fully care for them for a full decade. The kids absolutely cared for the parents in a better way than they were ever cared for as children.

[RitzyHeifer]

Dec 9, 2023 10:03:41 GMT -5 jinkies said:

My parents have a 60 acre farm ….

To my knowledge they don't have a will…

It's so selfish but there really isn't anything I can do about it.

I put in the other thread my MIL lives on 70 acres (no livestock, thankfully) that she cannot care for, also has no will.  FIL died with no will and now she won’t make any decisions because she “doesn’t know what FIL would want”. FIL died within a year of a terminal cancer diagnosis and still would make no decisions.

it has made a huge rift between H and one of his siblings - H wanting to keep MIL solvent and cared for, sibling wanting to get all they can from the estate - which has just caused MIL to be been more indecisive about making a will, but also dig in her heels about staying in a house/land she cannot physically manage.

[cattledogkisses]

Dec 8, 2023 10:00:35 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

Bernadine not picking on you, just using your example, it kills me the line of thinking that "I'm not going into a nursing home"...OK, what is your plan then? No, really say it out loud, the assumption is there that kids will take you in, but seriously say the words out loud "I expect to burden my children". Hopefully our generations stop that crap.

I know some people want elderly parents to move in, that's fine. It's just the adamant statements against nursing homes or other options.

The unwillingness to even consider options like assisted living is frustrating.  There is so much variety out there in terms of the level of care vs. independence, and amenities that places have. 

After initially being resistant to the idea, my grandparents moved into an assisted living community last year, and they have absolutely thrived there.  It's been especially beneficial for them to have regular socialization with similar-age peers.  Isolation is detrimental to health, and that's particularly true for elderly people. 

[starburst604]

What wanderingback wrote resonates as a parent of an only child and what I think about as I get older. The last thing I would ever want is to become her burden. I’m a planner to my own detriment, so if god willing I am able, I will plan for any scenario of my/our care. I don’t know why but I think I’ll outlive H by a bit (just one of my weird hunches) and I’m the planner/responsible one anyway so I will do my best to have a plan and the resources to enact it so I wouldn’t be a burden to her. Should she make another decision to be more involved, that’s on her, but I wouldn’t expect it. I hope so much that we’ll always have a close relationship, but that doesn’t require her to become my caretaker.

[wanderingback]

Dec 9, 2023 11:15:32 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Dec 9, 2023 9:13:54 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Sorry for what everyone is dealing with.

I’m an only child and my parents are divorced. They have always cared for me and are wonderful people so I’ll have no problems caring for them mentally. My mom is single and my dad has remarried. Both of their fianances are ok and my dad was in the military for 20+ years. They both live in the same town about a 5 hour drive from me and there’s no way I’d ever live there, so that’s going to be the only complicated thing.

My dad’s dad live alone (and with his girlfriend) until he was 93 and 4 months before his death. My mom’s mom is 106 and she lives back and forth with my mom and aunt and needs more and more care these days with cooking and bathing but still walks and talks and enjoys some activities. It is definitely hard work being a care giver. But my mom says her mom took care of her for at least 18 years growing up so she definitely feels and wants to take care of her mom now. I think I’ll feel the same.

106?!!!! Holy cow! This is incredible!

Yes she’s pretty amazing!

[jinkies]

RitzyHeifer sorry you are in the same boat.

I put this in the "required reading" thread a while back, but I think everyone should read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. It talks about approaches to aging and dying. It's really thought provoking.

[SusanBAnthony]

I joke with friends all the time that I can't wait for Old People Summer Camp aka a retirement community.

Why are the Oldz resistant? I just don't get it. Bingo? I'm there! Water aerobics? Sign me up! Chair Zumba? Fuck yes!

My gpa realized he should move into one WAY after he actually should have but thank you Lord at least he realized before it was way too late (situation still developing.... He is 88 and has cancer and gets COVID ever time he looks at a restaurant).

My MIL's neighbor has dementia and ended up in the hospital with a broken hip after CLIMBING A LADDER TO HER BARN'S HAYLOFT and she just came back home. What is wrong with this situation?!?!?

I swear to GBCN I am moving into a retirement home the day I turn 70, if not before.

[RitzyHeifer]

Dec 10, 2023 20:43:55 GMT -5 jinkies said:

RitzyHeifer sorry you are in the same boat.

I put this in the "required reading" thread a while back, but I think everyone should read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. It talks about approaches to aging and dying. It's really thought provoking.

Liked in solidarity, in case that wasn’t clear. Thanks for the book rec!