G-parent giving unapproved gift

[hbomdiggity]

DS (8) is getting a switch for Christmas. When H’s family asked what they can get him, H suggested a case and games. We gave 2 specific games which were purchased.

MIL said she’d get the case. She just sent the shipping confirmation and also purchased two more games. 1 is another sonic game, but not a repeat. The other is Minecraft.

H and I had looked at games and discussed Minecraft. While I am not an expert, I’m not a fan because it seems very addicting. H pointed out the engineering aspect (we are both engineers), but we agreed that we’d hold off for now and reconsider for his (June) birthday.

Am I the asshole if we don’t give him Minecraft?

[penguingrrl]

Not an asshole as you as parents choose what you want kids to have. That said, Minecraft is a pretty cool game. It’s very creative and allows a lot of building and other skills. Of the video games my kids like, it’s one I think has some real positive impacts. We haven’t had issues with addiction to it at all, but obviously every household is different.

Recently my H and the kids have been working on building our house on it for fun.

[quesyrah]

Did MIL know that Minecraft was a no-go for your household? That affects what I think I would do. In general, I think it’s always the parents decision. I might let MIL know that you’ve decided not to allow Minecraft and see if she can exchange it. It seems wasteful to just not give it to him and it would head off any issues with her asking how he likes it and then finding out you never gave it to him.

We are pretty strict with screens/devices and what we allow our kids to play. Minecraft is a fave in our house and it’s one I don’t mind at all.

[hbomdiggity]

Appreciate the feedback about Minecraft - that was an alternate question of whether it is as bad as I was thinking.

I don’t think she knew that we were holding off on it, but she is very sensitive.

[wanderingback]

I know anything about Minecraft so no comment on that aspect but you’re the parents so it’s totally fine to not give your kid a certain toy. Since your kid is 8 though I would definitely just be direct with your family about it since (I assume) they’ll likely ask him about it.

(We’ve gotten a few gifts for my daughter from family that we don’t intend to use, but for now it’s easy to just give to someone else since my daughter can’t talk. Once she can I’ll def be more direct with my parents if there’s something we don’t think she can have).

[niq]

How's school going? How's independence/following directions/doing chores going?

IMO the big question here is: is it easier to just say "no" than "yes, but with limits" and that's a tough judgement call. I think 8 is fine for Minecraft. But if getting your kiddo to do chores is a struggl,e waiting to the end of the school year makes sense.

[mrsGreeko]

I think gift givers can give what they wish. You, as the parents, get to decide how and when it is used. If you decide that it’s for later then it’s for later.

Minecraft is actually one of my favorite games because it has some level of creativity and I guess foundational coding (that’s what I’ve heard, I don’t exactly get it). It doesn’t seem as addictive as other games in my experience. All 3 of my kids have played it through the years and find it enjoyable. My HSer still plays with her friends. You can do creative or survival mode. Maybe you only allow creative mode to start.

[Poppy]

I think it's your decision if you want to hold back on Minecraft. Not an asshole, but I also don't think (based on info provided) that MIL was out of line.

My kids (almost 6 and just turned 9) love Minecraft (and so do I). I don't think it's more addictive than other games. It is great for spatial reasoning and my son has gotten engineer-y with it. He and his friends love to share info on how to build interesting stuff. He has a group of friends that play online together and it's been cool to see what they come up with.

There is fighting/monsters involved but my daughter doesn't do that, she just plays in creative and builds these elaborate houses and stuff. It's pretty amazing what she comes up with!

[tacokick]

Since you think you’d give it to him eventually, I’d just tell her that it was too many games at once and you were going to save it back. I don’t know if it would be worth having philosophical conversations about Mindcraft over. You sent her two games to buy and she got four so that lines up.

[VillainV]

I’ve loved Minecraft for my son. It’s really helped him to think and figure things out independently. It has “creative” mode where they can’t die, and can just build things and figure things out.

Having said that, you don’t have to allow it right now, and you don’t have to allow it at all.

You can also try Minecraft on another device like a tablet or desktop that isn’t “his” that you can have more control over when and how much he plays, and if it works out okay you can get it for the Switch.

[momin2013]

Obviously you get to determine which games your child can play BUT I think Minecraft is a great game. DS (10) has been playing it for several years and also has gone to Minecraft summer camp the last few years because he enjoys it so much. I think it’s a great game for those who love to build and work creatively at the same time. I personally think it’s a totally appropriate game for a 8 year old.

[felicity]

I think it depends on your family dynamic on whether it's considered okay for grandparents to get what they want. I do think there's a level of respect that they should show to you as the parents in what they give, and with video games I think they should have asked since there are so many inappropriate games out there and every parent has a different opinion on what they will allow.

That said, I agree with a lot of others that I think Minecraft is a great game for that age. I play a lot of the games with DS on the switch, and Minecraft is the most calm and relaxing of them. It can be a great multi-player game too because we end up talking a lot and working together on things. There is a bit of a learning curve, but DS watched a bunch of YouTube videos to learn how to play and then he taught us.

[waverly]

I think it’s fine to have games that fit your criteria. For example we like games that DD and DS could play together.

Video games in general can be addictive. We didn’t find that Minecraft was any more addictive then any other one.

I would say so far the most addictive game has been Fortnight but DS didn’t get that game until age 12.

[shortstax]

It’s up to you what you do with Minecraft, but (and I say this with respect), I really don’t get why you think there’s a problem here.

You gave ideas, not a shopping list. If any Grandparent wanted to get another game and asked anyone who worked in a game store (or literally anyone) what game an 8 year old would love, I guarantee Minecraft would be one of the recs.

For me, I’d probably fib and say someone else already for him Minecraft so can you exchange? I’m not above white lies, lol.

[sju]

Tricky if Grandma didn’t know and is sensitive but ultimately you decide what you allow your child to use.

I agree that we have not found Minecraft anymore addictive than other games.

H and I have enjoyed seeing our kids creations. There is art and math involved.

[nicolewi]

Minecraft is really great. She probably heard from people that it’s super popular and thought your son would like it. I don’t think she was out of line, unless you have a policy that every gift has to be preapproved. If she got him Grand Theft Auto or something that would be different.

Yes, Minecraft can be kind of addictive, but that’s the same with most games. What Minecraft has going for it that most games don’t is that you can be very creative, you have a lot of control over how you want to play. If you want to do creative mode, or if you want to do the fighting bad guys mode. One daughter built resort villages with different cabins. My other one build a big house and farm area with a bunch of animals. And my son plays in the combat mode and does all kinds of different stuff. All of them have found different things they liked about the game.

[ECB]

Of any game, I wouldn’t be worried about Minecraft. I think it’s very creative.

[aspentosh]

I'd take Minecraft over Roblox aaaaaany day. It seems to be way less addictive. And watching what DD does with Minecraft (she checks out books from the library on how to build things) is fascinating and has really helped her with engineering stuff and critical thinking.

THAT BEING SAID, if you no go it, then that's your right. I understand wanting to hold onto it and thinking on it, so follow your gut. FWIW, I have not found the switch to create addiction issues with games. She's 11 now and got it when she was 8 or 9, but she'll regularly go weeks without touching it and it's never been a bone of contention (unlike Roblox, sigh).

[rhian]

I don't really know anything about Minecraft, so no opinions about that, but I think it's totally fine to hold off on giving it to him. I'd let MIL know that you'll be doing that, and given that she's sensitive, just make it clear that it's on you for not letting her know that you're not comfortable with the game, and not that she did anything wrong by ordering it. And given the responses here, and without specific instructions NOT to get it, it really doesn't seem like she did anything wrong.

[pittpurple]

You are the parent, you decide. That being said, unless my inlaws give my kids something that I have serious, huge concerns about I just let them spoil them a bit. My son loves army figures and my father-in-law loves buying them. I don't love it, but it's not an intensely difficult one for me so I just let it go. We have however taken some toys away for various reasons (I wouldn't let anything with batteries into the house when they were littler - I have huge noise sensitivities and it would really affect me, so those just... disappeared)

However, on the game itself I wish my son would play minecraft (he's 7) but he's only into fighting and battles and all sorts of games that are loud and filled with instant gratification. Minecraft takes work and I think it would help him be a bit more focussed. But I can't make him play it, I just leave it in the switch sometimes in hopes he will take an interest.

[bdubs419]

I know this isn’t what you asked, but Minecraft really is a harmless game in my opinion. It’s pretty tame. I would put it in a category of good “first video game options”. Was not addicting for my kids at all. I wish they would play that over some other games.

[twinmomma]

I always equate Minecraft to "Legos, but on Switch" when trying to explain it to people. As others have said, it's a really creative game and not nearly as bad as others.

Just curious - could you maybe be confusing it with Roblox in your analysis? Roblox is SUPER addicting and I know I've seen a lot of articles out there about that. Minecraft seems like one of the most benign games you could get. I guess it's "addictive" in that my kids were buying books and watching YouTube videos on how to build stuff in the Minecraft world when they were really in that phase. But again, it was creative and coding and engineering so I thought it was pretty cool that they were researching and learning that stuff compared to watching videos of kids shooting stuff in other games.

[pugz]

Roblox and Fortnite are ones I would avoid, not Minecraft.

With anything just be sure to limit screen time. We limit to one hour a day

[ellipses84]

It’s perfectly ok to tell MIL you’re not ready for him to have Minecraft yet and exchange it or keep it until he is older.

I’m in a tech parenting group that is very conservative and I think most people agree that Minecraft is ok. On the switch it’s only them in the game and to have “friends” share it there’s a more complicated process to do that (which I had great difficulty doing to add my nephew). If you allow other users, they can destroy your kid’s builds and that’s the biggest problem I’ve heard of. I suppose there’s potential for someone to build something inappropriate. Just don’t allow any shared users to prevent that. Some of the characters seem a little creepy but I think kids are exposed to just as bad with Disney or Nickelodeon.

I don’t think it’s any more addicting than any other games. And I think YouTube is worse. I really like the switch over any other screen for my kids because I have the parent app on my phone and can set the time by days, add or delete time. If I’m not around, I can give DH or the kids the PIN code to override it and easily change the PIN code.

Roblox has a lot more criticism in the tech group because it’s a bunch of different user generated games and the filters don’t catch all the inappropriate ones. I think the messaging is more lax and I’ve heard of kids stumbling across very inappropriate games. Messaging capabilities are the biggest safety issues.

[meanie]

You are the parents so it's up to you.

Our kids do have Minecraft and we like it for them. They mostly build, there is a gaming aspect but you can just do free building and "spawn" animals.

[heygrey]

DS is 9 and we're definitely on the stricter side for games and screen time, but we bought him Minecraft for Christmas. We don't allow any sharing/connecting with friends and all game playing is in our common spaces and with time limits. DS has played Minecraft at a friend's house (we share very similar values) and loved it. I'm not overly concerned about it being addicting. I'm still the parent and I have no problem shutting it off or taking the game away entirely if it becomes an issue.

[magpie]

I don't know...I think parents are in charge of which games their kids are playing, but I also don't think it's unreasonable for a grandparent to buy an age-appropriate gift that's not on a pre-approved list. I do think video games are tricky though, so I hear you.

My MIL is the opposite--she is so afraid of overstepping that she asks me (never H!) for my approval with every gift, no matter how small, every activity, every morsel of food she feeds the kids and it gets exhausting. It's gotten to the point where she asks me to buy something for my kids and then send her the bill, which is nice, but sort of annoying because I now have to Christmas and birthday shop for gifts from my, but also gifts from her.

[ECB]

Dec 19, 2023 5:30:51 GMT -5 magpie said:

I don't know...I think parents are in charge of which games their kids are playing, but I also don't think it's unreasonable for a grandparent to buy an age-appropriate gift that's not on a pre-approved list. I do think video games are tricky though, so I hear you.

My MIL is the opposite--she is so afraid of overstepping that she asks me (never H!) for my approval with every gift, no matter how small, every activity, every morsel of food she feeds the kids and it gets exhausting. It's gotten to the point where she asks me to buy something for my kids and then send her the bill, which is nice, but sort of annoying because I now have to Christmas and birthday shop for gifts from my, but also gifts from her.

he doesn’t do it every time, but FIL has either shown up to our house a couple times with unwrapped gifts for DS and handed them to us to wrap or ordered a gift and had it shipped directly to us. To again handle opening and wrapping. 🙄😂.

[redpenmama]

You're the parent, so you get to make the call. But is your MIL going to be offended or have her feelings hurt? Maybe. I would give her a heads up if you're not going to give it to him and explain why.

Obviously, it's your call, but Minecraft has been no problem in our house. I think it's age appropriate and my son never has trouble turning it off when it's time (there are other games, like Madden, that he could play for hours). Honestly, if I had to pick one game for my elementary schooler to play, it'd be Minecraft.

[hbomdiggity]

Thanks for the feedback about Minecraft. I’m not a gamer at all so I put it in the same group as other games mentioned like Roblox and Fortnite. Given the feedback, I will let it be.

She bought it off amazon and it looks like it won’t come until January anyway.