Setting up play dates

[felicity]

I'll just commiserate that setting up playdates with elementary age kids who don't have phones is a PITA.

DH has actually been getting more involved now in this when he meets the dads. He takes DS to most birthday parties these days and has had some success with exchanging numbers with the other dads and setting it all up. Highly recommend!

[livinitup]

When DD was old enough for play dates, the mom across the street made a big show of telling me, at a block party, to “send DD over anytime” to play with her son & daughter. The son was only about 1-2 years older. Then every time I called to ask, she would ignore my call. DD would see them playing and I’d call, get ignored. I thought it was so weird.

She told our other neighbor (who only had adult children) who told me that she did not like hosting or sending her kids to playdates. She said she was too anxious to let another child play at her home without diligent supervision (and she had things to do) and her son was too badly behaved (he was not) to let him anywhere else.

Fine with me. I was pretty salty that she made such a SHOW to my face (twice) but didn’t follow through.

DD kept asking to go over, so I gently said that some kids don’t do play dates. After about 6 months, she stopped asking. That was even sadder.

We ended up making friends and doing play dates with parents who responded. That lasted for years. It was tricky to hit the right kids with the right parents but it did work out.

[waverly]

Jan 8, 2024 16:22:59 GMT -5 hbomdiggity said:

I totally understand the “not that into you vibe” and not feeling up to reaching out again, but I agree the last 5 weeks or so may not be the best barometer.

I’d reach out again, give a specific time, but also ask if there is a better time. Otherwise, I’d be honest with your kid that you’ve reached out. She can tell her friend and friend will prob mention it mom.

We get the most traction when the other kid is pestering/ guilt tripping their parent. Then the parent is like OK I really don’t want to do this but I will for little Susie. Ha ha

[starburst604]

I wanted to clarify that despite finding it tiresome to be always trying to set them up, I love when a playdate works out! At this 3rd grade stage it’s all drop off so I either am without my kid for a while, or she has a friend over and they entertain each other without bugging me or H. With an only child it’s so freeing!

[fancynewbeesly]

Jan 8, 2024 17:04:54 GMT -5 felicity said:

I'll just commiserate that setting up playdates with elementary age kids who don't have phones is a PITA.

DH has actually been getting more involved now in this when he meets the dads. He takes DS to most birthday parties these days and has had some success with exchanging numbers with the other dads and setting it all up. Highly recommend!

We have the best of both worlds--DD2 is 5 and obviously doesn't have a phone. However her best friend is actually DD1s good friend little sister---so the big kids arrange everything without parent involvement. 

[smock]

Update: successfully set up a playdate for my second grader! GBCN, changing lives in the real world. 🤪

[konapoppy]

We did our first drop off play date recently. It was great.

And I didn’t see anyone else post, but I did ask about guns in the house and if they were secured. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be.

[ssmjlm]

I really dislike entertaining other people's kids if I can't send them outside. We had a neighbor kid break a couple things and it sent my anxiety into overdrive.

Now that she's in 5th the kids are a bit better, but OMG, her birthday party last year where I had them do some crafts they were way messier than I could have expected.

We've setup a few play dates here/there, but I'm finding as kids get older, I need to be more observant of parenting styles. There is one family that is basically a free for all and we had an issue with them not bringing her home at the time they said (it was 2 hours later, so past reasonableness).

[gt7301b]

I cast a wide net when it comes to play dates.  My son is an only child and he would love to have multiple play dates a weekend if I could pull it off.  If I was in your shoes I'd reach back out at the beginning of the week and ask if they were free for a couple two hour periods and see how it goes.

We have had varying levels of success with play dates.  There are a couple friends who we see almost every weekend and just go back and forth between our houses.  It is great because my son is an only child and it is far less work for me to host a play date than have him home with me alone.  There are several couples who we like to hang out with and we will invite them over on a Friday or Saturday evening, the adults will drink wine, and the kids just go off and play.  It isn't exactly date night but pretty close.  It took a bit of work to get to this point and there are some friends who it is easier to foster that relationship with than others.

[CloudBee]

Keep reaching out.

I've come out of my shell a lot in the last 5-10 years, but these types of social interactions used to really overwhelm me. Planning birthday parties when DS was little made me want to throw up. Meeting a large group of friends out for dinner? A form of sensory overload. Going into a new friend's home while our children played? So many questions running through my mind about what to expect.

When I reach out to people, I try to give them as much detail as I can. "You are welcome to drop off, or stay. No pressure either way!" Depending on the mom, I will even give info about lunch, snacks, activities, and send photos to them during the playdate. With other parents I don't share a thing because they don't care. It takes a while to read people.

I'm really thankful that people have continued to extend invitations to me over the years as I've worked on my social skills. It can be easy to hold back on invites because someone has a history of saying no.

We're on week 2 of DS having a fever, and now I'm a few days into a fever, myself. One of DS's really good homeschool friends mentioned to his mom that he really wanted to hang out with DS. I explained we were sick and it would be a while for us to round the corner and visit in-person. Well, she REALLY nagged me about trying to get them connected by phone or FaceTime. I resisted for several days, but am so glad I gave in. DS hasn't played Minecraft online with friends in who knows how long. We used to do it a good bit during Covid times, but he's not a really big video game guy. He will play for a while most nights on his own, but doesn't care about connecting with others. And let me tell you it was a PAIN to get his account set back up to connect with friends. We had to log into a million platforms and dig up passwords to get things going. Long story short, yesterday and today he was able to spend a few hours with his friend, virtually through Nintendo and FaceTime, while I slept on the couch nursing my fever. I am so, so thankful that mom persisted, because it 100% filled my son's cup.

If they aren't "into you" or really don't want to get together, they'll just keep turning you down. But maybe it's logistics or social anxiety. If the friendship out of school is THAT important, think if there's any accommodations you can make to help connect these friends. We've had friends that are more likely to say yes if I pick them up or drop them off.

Good luck! You're not the only one over-thinking these scenarios.

[soccermama]

Jan 8, 2024 15:10:00 GMT -5 waverly said:

meowmaps , as a fellow introvert I never want to "bother" people. In terms of embarassment, I am sure that the mom has totally forgotten about it, so try not to worry about it yourself. Everyone always seems to worry more about themselves than other people. And there is nothing embarrassing about putting yourself out there, but rejection can be painful.

I follow a blogger that basically says try 3 times. Since the mom responded once and said they were busy, I would take that as successful interaction that she at least responded. So I agree try again when the weather is nice, and if they still don't respond then message received. The blogger would try even more than I do, but I feel like most people are in that 1-2 maybe 3 times category and then give up. Since you fit into that category than nothing to be embarrassed about- that is in the range of normal.

I go in spurts of trying versus not trying in terms of playdates. I feel like I tried hard in preschool with DD and DS was in 1st grade. I had some duds (above story) and some good experiences and one lasting friendship. It was awkward and painful and I needed a script from here. But that 1 lasting friendship and the one good acquaintence (her kids babysat mine and she is a secretary at the school) makes it worthwhile. I suggest expanding the circle a bit, and trying other people.  Oh and sometimes it was just fun playdates that lasted only the year and they moved, but it was still worthwhile in the end.  

that is interesting about the "trying 3 times" concept and probably true.  My son is also in a similar situation with a friend from school.  He and this kid seem to get along really well (and have known each other since preschool days), but I've reached out twice to the mom and no playdate yet.  The first time they were busy with sports, 2nd time no response.  I'm friends with her on FB and they do seem super busy with work, sports & they travel a lot.  Anyway, all that to say I may reach out again at some point and hopefully it will work out! 

[whattheheck]

Mom may just be very protective of her weekend time. Maybe offer two options on a Friday -
1 - you get the kid right after school and keep her at your place until she is off work at 5p when mom can pick her up or

2) they both come over at 5-ish/after work and you’ll have pizza/nuggets for the kids and salads or something else for adults and they play together until 7p (or whatever time you prefer).

Personally I always loved the Friday play date/birthday party that got me off the hook for cooking dinner.

[pinkyp]

This thread is making me feel better as I've been dealing with similar issues with DD. Why can't it be effortless like it was back in the 80s when I was a kid? We didn't have to make playdates; all our friends, many of whom were also classmates, lived in the neighborhood so we just went over and knocked on doors. Sigh

[waverly]

Jan 15, 2024 20:44:26 GMT -5 pinkyp said:

This thread is making me feel better as I've been dealing with similar issues with DD. Why can't it be effortless like it was back in the 80s when I was a kid? We didn't have to make playdates; all our friends, many of whom were also classmates, lived in the neighborhood so we just went over and knocked on doors. Sigh

I think this often. I was rural so I did have to call because we lived far enough that my mom drove me. But I made the phone calls around age 7+. Friends were usually available instead of being in a million activities. My kids do sports so no judgement but it makes hanging out difficult.

[fancynewbeesly]

Jan 15, 2024 20:44:26 GMT -5 pinkyp said:

This thread is making me feel better as I've been dealing with similar issues with DD. Why can't it be effortless like it was back in the 80s when I was a kid? We didn't have to make playdates; all our friends, many of whom were also classmates, lived in the neighborhood so we just went over and knocked on doors. Sigh

Honestly this is one reason I love our neighborhood. So many kids and they usually are out playing or knocking at each others doors. It is a quiet street too. Sometimes DD1 will text her friends in the neighborhood if they are free instead of knocking but we get the same result. 

[pinkyp]

Jan 15, 2024 21:34:46 GMT -5 fancynewbeesly said:

Jan 15, 2024 20:44:26 GMT -5 pinkyp said:

This thread is making me feel better as I've been dealing with similar issues with DD. Why can't it be effortless like it was back in the 80s when I was a kid? We didn't have to make playdates; all our friends, many of whom were also classmates, lived in the neighborhood so we just went over and knocked on doors. Sigh

Honestly this is one reason I love our neighborhood. So many kids and they usually are out playing or knocking at each others doors. It is a quiet street too. Sometimes DD1 will text her friends in the neighborhood if they are free instead of knocking but we get the same result. 

That's so great, I'm envious! I wish our neighborhood was like that.