I’ll try to keep this brief so I don’t lose my post for the third time. 🤦🏻♀️
How do you deal when your child wants to have play dates with someone whose parent is unresponsive?
DD1 has a kindergarten BFF. I’ve seen them interact and there is a mutual, balanced admiration. I’ve met/seen the mom in person a couple of times because of school-related stuff. She seems nice and had confirmed that her daughter talks about mine all the time. We both put our contact info down on a contact sheet on back to school night so we’re able to communicate outside school. I’ve initiated contact twice in the past 5(?) weeks. One time she responded many hours later (after a second text) and said they were busy. No problem. It was a spontaneous invite. Then I texted again at the beginning of the holiday break indicating that we were available and let us know if they were interested. Never heard from her. She didn’t owe me a response but in the interest of civility, I feel she could’ve said they were busy or something.
What do I do here? I’ve been down this road before with a preschool friend/mom and I really think it was a case of she’s just not that into you. I’m happy to let that relationship fall away because my life experience tells me that girl was a frienemy anyway. In this case my daughter and this new friend, who I think is good for my child, will probably go to school together for years to come. My daughter wants me to set up a play date pretty much every weekend. Even if the mom was communicative I know that would be unrealistic! I feel we’ve made our intentions clear and that the mom should contact me. I don’t want to be so assertive that I’m the pushy mom. In the meantime my kid doesn’t get her play date…
I am the bad playdate mom. My kid is seven, asks for them a lot, and I find it overwhelming. Whose house? How long? Do I stay? I tend to avoid scheduling them because it feels like if I ask then I’m hosting and my time alone is so precious That said, I do respond to texts when asked!
What I find helpful, though, is when expectations are set clearly in the invitation. So, instead of saying “want to have a playdate?” I would say “does Sally want to come over today from 2-4pm? No need to stay!” I also will text her friends’ parents “we’re going to the playground at 2pm if anyone wants to come join us!”
I cannot wait for the day that my kid can schedule these herself.
My kid is older (4th grade) and we still deal with this a fair amount. What I’ve learned is that there are a WHOLE lot of people who either don’t check text messages very often or who are too busy to respond. It’s understandable that if someone is at home they may leave their phone in another room and just not check it for several hours. Or that they’re driving somewhere and don’t see it, or see it but don’t respond (because they’re driving) then forget all about it. After a while you can figure out who isn’t likely to respond promptly — for them I recommend planning further out, like more than a week. “Kiddo really wants to try out the new park, so we’re taking him next Saturday. We’d love if your kid could join us — we can pick him up or meet there. Grownups welcome of course, or we can take him and give you a few kid-free hours. Let me know!”
I also think there are people who aren’t into play dates. Many are still COVID conscious or don’t feel comfortable with drop-off but don’t want to hang out with grownups they barely know. Some parents have lots of kids’ schedules to juggle and can’t fit in another play date. Some families struggle to afford extras like movies or ice cream and don’t want to feel like they’re always letting you pay for stuff. Some may not want to be in a position to feel like they need to reciprocate an in invitation because they don’t feel comfortable with guests in their home. I think some people get tired of saying no all the time so just don’t respond. So I wouldn’t immediately jump to “they’re just not into us.”
At least at age 9, my kid understands that sometimes parents don’t get back to me, so they need to find someone else to play with or something else to do. For a younger kid, I think I’d simply offer “play dates don’t always work for everyone, what do else might be fun to do today?”
I think you are over thinking this. The kid are 5. Reach out again down the road to see if a playdate would work and if it doesn't, and the girls remain friends, they will start vocalizing it on their own that they want to do playdates together.
Do not take it personally as a sign that "she's just not that into you." There could be a million things going on right now that make it so she is not texting you back.
Post by starburst604 on Jan 8, 2024 12:31:56 GMT -5
Ugh I can sympathize, though my DD is older (3rd grade). She's ALWAYS asking me to set up times for her to hangout with a few different friends. Two are girls she's been besties with since first grade and I am friendly with the moms, would even call one of them a friend, but I feel weird asking too many times unreciprocated regardless. Eventually they do reach back out to set something up though. The third is a newer friend on her bus, who actually lives so close she can walk through our yard to his yard. When they ride the bus home together, they'll "make plans" based on their understanding of if they have sports activities or not that evening. She'll say "Wesley said he has no hockey practice tonight and neither do I, will you text his mom to see if we can play?". But after so many times of me reaching out first with mixed results, I told DD that if they talk about hanging out after school, she should tell him to ask his mom to text ME.
With yours being a little younger I'm guessing that the play dates aren't yet the drop off and leave kind, since you don't know each other well? I feel like that's harder because it's a forced hangout situation for the adults involved. I don't know if you've tried reaching out with a set plan like "Hey, me and DD are going to the arcade on Saturday morning, would you guys want to meet us, or I could pick up Friend and drop her off?" It may not be her not being interested in knowing you, maybe they have older kids they have to plan everything around. If you just can't get it going, I'd just be honest with your DD and say hey I've really tried to make plans with them, but they're just really busy, why don't you ask Friend to ask her mom to let me know when they can get together? Repeat as needed.
I posted about this on another board. I was told by one poster that she doesn't respond because she was overwhelmed with a certain life circumstance. I've had a couple of mom's not respond. I think sometimes it is hard to set up a polite boundary of hey my kid and your kid are no longer close, OR hey we just can't deal with playdates.
Some people are weird about them. I had one mom initiate the idea. I implemented her idea/ the playdate. Then I ran into her a bunch of times, and she kept telling me she was SOOO busy, so I never texted. 6 months later I texted because I thought well I would see if it was a better time, and she never responded. I then ran into her in person, and she said that if I wanted to do anything that I had to initiate and plan everything because she was too busy, but it was said super aggressively, so I took it to mean never contact her again.
I've had mom's RSVP to birthday parties and then not show up. So anyway, my point is that you have to find someone who is interested, has the availablitity and has communication skills (sorry other poster that posted about not responding), and who isn't too flaky. If you don't have the right combo it's probably not going to work.
Your kid isn't owed a playdate either, so I would scratch that last sentence, "in the meantime, my kid didn't get her playdate". Things are not always going to work out and it is a good skill for your child to learn. I would not tell my kid unless things were confirmed.
starburst604 , could you just send your DD to knock on his door? Or would that be considered the wrong approach for the family? Our kids frequently make plans on the bus, ask their parents when they get home, and then knock on each other's doors.
starburst604 , could you just send your DD to knock on his door? Or would that be considered the wrong approach for the family? Our kids frequently make plans on the bus, ask their parents when they get home, and then knock on each other's doors.
I would love to do that but don't want her to be that annoying neighbor kid who is always showing up, plus I know the mom WFH until 5pm and don't want to interrupt her workday with the doorbell. I do encourage her to walk through our yard to see if he and any of the other neighbor kids are out playing, and that's worked out a couple of times. I just can't wait until she's old enough to make plans herself!
I hate playdates. It brings a lot of anxiety about for me. My middle child is playdate king. I love it if he goes to other people's house but hate when I have to "host". They're young enough to still need some direction and I don't want to do it. As such, I haven't done any playdates for my youngest (7, 2nd grade) and will start when he's a little older. We have 4 kids in the house, they're able to socialize that way. 🤣
As it stands right now, I usually let my middle kid go for 2 hour playdates because then that sets the standard that when it's our turn to host, the kid is only there for 2 hours.
Post by InBetweenDays on Jan 8, 2024 12:48:16 GMT -5
My kids are WAY past the playdate age, but I agree with joy. I'd reach out again with a specific day and time, or maybe an option of two different days/times.
I also wouldn't assume she isn't into you. I have several really good friends who are just bad at texting. And responding to the more vague "we're around if you want to get together" takes more time/thought than responding to a specific request. So it's possible this mom saw the text at a time she couldn't respond, had good intentions of responding, but then the text got buried and she forgot.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Jan 8, 2024 13:31:19 GMT -5
I'm so glad my kids are past playdate age. I also stressed about them, and my youngest asked to do them all the time.
I would probably humor your kid in asking maybe once a month with this kid with really specific texts like pp suggested. But if you NEVER get another response, let your kid know after a few times that it's not going to happen.
I wouldn't use the last 5 weeks as a gauge. The holidays are a crazy time. So I would try to set something up again, but be specific. "DD wants to invite your DD over this Saturday. Would she be available from __ - __?" - make it clear you aren't looking for the mom to stay!
And then see if she responds. Maybe after the holiday craze, you'll get something.
Post by purplepenguin7 on Jan 8, 2024 13:37:58 GMT -5
I don't really do playdates yet because our weekends are super busy. I would reach out one more time and give a few days notice and have a firm plan. "Does X want to come over to our house sunday at 12-2?" In my opinion, vague invites never materialize even for adults. If she doesn't respond or is too busy this time, I would drop it for now. The girls can still be friends at school (are they in the same class?) and eventually transition to after school or weekend hang outs when they get older. It's likely not a dig at you or your daughter, everyone has different approaches to the weekend.
I'm bad at responding to playdate requests – the logistics, hosting, is it drop off, all that just feels overwhelming. Also, it sounds like you reached out twice in December, which is a super busy time for a lot of people.
I wouldn't give up, but maybe change your strategy. I like the suggestion to plan something in advance with a clear time. Suggesting a playground meetup worked well for us at the K-2 age. Or if you're open to a drop off at your house, be really clear about the logistics.
Also, this post reminded me to respond to DD2's BFF's mom, who asked if we could do a winter break playdate, but between camps, family plans, and illnesses I never reached out. So thanks for the reminder!
Ugh this is frustrating. It's hard when people are not responsive, especially for someone like me who is uber responsive all the time lol. It's just hard for me to understand. I'd probably try again in a few weeks or do what a previous poster said and try to plan something a few days in advance so the mom has plenty of time to respond. If she doesn't respond that time, I would stop and hopefully when the kids get older they can vocalize their wants and make plans themselves.
I really haven't figured out how to even incorporate playdates into our lives yet and my kid is 7. During the week he's in aftercare with other kids his age until 4:45 and then we have homework, sometimes sports, bedtime, etc. And on the weekends, we're usually doing our own thing - especially in the summer we're gone a lot. I feel like DS is missing out on some kind of BFF building experience here but he seems to be around another kids enough and seems to be well liked...ugh, this is always something I worry about.
Echoing what others have posted. I really didn’t realize until here that some people hate play dates. Play dates helped me survive!! I was happy to try and make new friends and my dd is an only child so play dates were essential. It gave me adult time and she had a same age companion to play with instead of us every free moment.
So I think it could be that she just doesn’t want to do play dates. But I agree with others that anytime recently shouldn’t be a good gauge of interest since people are SO busy around the holidays.
I also agree that texting in advance and giving specifics and offering to host without her needing to stay could help.
I personally always respond to people promptly but I can tell you that is not necessarily common. Some people just are not good at responding back.
We live in a very walkable neighborhood, so for K-2 ages we've been able to find parents at morning dropoff.
Usually for every grade, some parent to set up a regular Saturday meetup at the school playground. It's a mix of unstructured playtime and something organized like wiffle ball or basketball or chalk obstacle courses.
I agree on picking a specific day/time, maybe with other kids too (so that if this particular friend no-shows there are still other friends around).
We try to make things as easy for the other parent as possible. They might have their own social anxiety/busy schedule/etc going on that is totally separate from their kid wanting to do a play date. What works best is finding a public place to do the play date (bowling, arcade, play place, park) or offer to take their kid - pick up, drop off, whatever makes it happen.
Ditto meowmaps, you will have better luck inviting their kid to join you at whatever activity on X date at Y time, than you will with a vague "let's get together sometime".
Post by mccallister84 on Jan 8, 2024 14:21:54 GMT -5
I am just super direct.
Hey x, DD would like to bave blank over for a playdate. Does date and time work (2 hour time frame)? If it’s the first time I say you are welcome to drop off or stay.
I prefer the parents not stay because I don’t love making small talk for 2 hours with someone I don’t know, but I completely understand that people may not be comfortable with that.
If you don’t get a response to something like that I’d probably just leave the ball in their court and see if your child would like to have someone else over.
I also do not care at all about reciprocation. Sure it would be nice if my children went elsewhere at times, but I can only control so much so I will invite your kid over all the time.
Honestly, when the kids click, play dates are the best thing ever. Both girls had play dates this weekend. For DD2 (5) was a new friend and the mom did stay but the girls disappeared in the basement and I got to know the mom who I ended up really liking. DD1 (7) and her friend spent 2 hours in the basement while I got stuff done without her bothering me.
In terms of the playdates suck, I think I would agree generally speaking. If I am texting that means I am probably hosting, and if they are 6-8 age range then that means a lot more parental intervention. I feel like the younger the kids the more anxiety on both sides since some parents are like I don't really want to drop off my first grader, so you have to feel out comfort levels the same way that we did with Covid. When hosting esecially younger kids, I didn't really feel like I could do much. Now, I still count down until they leave, but I am doing laundry/ dishes whatever.
In warmer weather with younger kids, we did a ton at the playground because that implied that both parents stay and no one is at another person's house. Most parents seemed to prefer this.
I watched the neighbor kids about a million times in my front yard, also which was tough in those young age ranges. I've pulled back on that a lot because of lack of reciprocity, but they are older now and require very little intervention, so it is much better. The older kids have cell phones, so I no longer get the texts can you please send unwilling child back home.
But anyway my point is that it is likely the easiest for parents if you can find kids in your neighborhood and they just roll out of the house and knock on each other's doors. We've been very lucky that way, but like I mentioned before they were mostly in my yard which definitely made it harder for me, but lucky that we didn't have to set as much up and it could happen naturally if people were both home.
Thank you all so much. I really do appreciate the feedback and different perspectives.
I will not give up on this mom, particularly as the friendship between the girls is genuine and all of us support the connection. I will probably wait until the weather has warmed up to suggest meeting at a park or playground. I offered a specific outdoor meetup on the first contact and then was more vague the second time in case being specific was too much pressure. Per some of the responses here, I can see how being specific is best.
I will say, to offer more background, in terms of why I'm letting this take up space in my head, my reluctance to keep reaching out comes from a mixture of not wanting to bother her and not wanting to embarrass myself.
More clarity about the preschool friend/mom that I mentioned in the OP: The reason I called DD1's friend a frenemy is that the friendship was more one-sided, my daughter liked her much more than the friend liked her. This was a two year friendship so I have a lot more time and experience to be able to make that call. DD1's preschool teacher reported a few instances where the friend was hurtful. The fact that the mom never seemed to warm to me is a separate issue but I continued to try for my daughter's sake and that's where the embarrassment comes into play. I don't want to repeat this scenario!
beerlover I feel you! I'm militant about responding so it's hard for me to understand the other side.
Saudade I get you about the anxiety. I'm a total introvert and socially awkward. Ideally, I'd never have to set up play dates or go to kids' parties! Being a parent has forced me to do things I would never do of my own volition. Maybe I'm putting more pressure on myself than I need to.
starburst604 I'm sorry you and your daughter have been in the same boat. I agree with your suggestion about telling the friend to tell their mom to contact you. I told DD1 something similar the last time she asked about a play date this past weekend.
I have been getting firmer about explaining that I can only do so much and I can't control other people. I can reach out but if I don't get a response, there's not much else I can do.
meowmaps , as a fellow introvert I never want to "bother" people. In terms of embarassment, I am sure that the mom has totally forgotten about it, so try not to worry about it yourself. Everyone always seems to worry more about themselves than other people. And there is nothing embarrassing about putting yourself out there, but rejection can be painful.
I follow a blogger that basically says try 3 times. Since the mom responded once and said they were busy, I would take that as successful interaction that she at least responded. So I agree try again when the weather is nice, and if they still don't respond then message received. The blogger would try even more than I do, but I feel like most people are in that 1-2 maybe 3 times category and then give up. Since you fit into that category than nothing to be embarrassed about- that is in the range of normal.
I go in spurts of trying versus not trying in terms of playdates. I feel like I tried hard in preschool with DD and DS was in 1st grade. I had some duds (above story) and some good experiences and one lasting friendship. It was awkward and painful and I needed a script from here. But that 1 lasting friendship and the one good acquaintence (her kids babysat mine and she is a secretary at the school) makes it worthwhile. I suggest expanding the circle a bit, and trying other people. Oh and sometimes it was just fun playdates that lasted only the year and they moved, but it was still worthwhile in the end.
I'm not a playdate mom. We have four kids and that's enough to supervise/schedule, and my kids are in full time school/care and a lot of sports. Now someone will want to do a playdate with my kindergartner or preschooler and I'll offer "my older kid is going to be playing softball at x field from x-y time next Saturday. Would you like to get the boys together at the playground there for an hour?" Or I'm that annoying person who is fine dropping my kid to play at someone's house but rarely reciprocates.
So my kids fall in a slightly weird generational divide as I think my older two are gen Z and my youngest in gen alpha so take this for what it’s worth.
If my kids wanted to play with a friend they called and if no answer they left a voicemail. It taught them how to call, proper phone and voicemail etiquette, and most importantly it cut me out as the middle man. I would tell them what was allowed, you can see if Jane can come play, but we have x at 4 so she needs to be picked up before then. We only ever had one person never call back after my DS called and left a VM asking to play and that mom was so weirdly intense and overprotective anyway it wasn’t that surprising.
Again, I know there is a generational difference at play here because when my older girls called they arranged things with the friends and parents only maybe briefly confirmed. Whereas my younger son the parents never gave the phone to their kid and always wanted me fully involved. It was interesting. It seems like plenty of parents would rather their kids not play with other kids unless it is fully arranged by parents way ahead of time.
But, it also seems that my DSs generation of parents don’t care if they even know the parents where their kids are because DS brings friends home all the time who I have no clue where they live and who their parents are. I guess the parents are fine with it because the kids all have phones? DS doesn’t have a phone yet, but even with my girls I had to meet parents before. At least now that he’s 12 he just wanders around the neighborhood with whatever boys he can scrounge up looking for more friends to play football or cook burgers for. It requires nothing of me. One day it will be easier.
mrsGreeko , that is interesting because as a kid I remember calling the other kid on the landlines starting probably around age 8-9, never in Kindergarten. But for my kids, they don't communicate unless it is Messenger Kids, knocking on doors, or when they got a phone. We wait until 6th grade to give them phones, so that is a long time past that 8-9 year old range.
My kids have never called a parents cell phone because I was told by friends that they don't call anymore and only text. So I stopped calling people at all after that because two of my friends were pretty rude about it (and we aren't close anymore).
I agree that you're overthinking and she hasn't done anything rude. So far, she didn't respond an immediately to a last minute invitation, and didn't respond to a vague text that put the onus on her to organize a get together - both of which were sent during a busy time of year for many people.
I don't think you've done anything wrong either, but you might need to adjust your expectations. Just because someone doesn't respond to a text right away doesn't mean that she hates you. And just because her kid gets along with yours, doesn't mean they owe you a playdate - it's on you to manage your daughter's disappointment if it doesn't happen. I'd reach out again in a few weeks when people tend to be less busy, and invite her to a specific playdate with more notice than a few hours, and go from there.
mrsGreeko , that is interesting because as a kid I remember calling the other kid on the landlines starting probably around age 8-9, never in Kindergarten. But for my kids, they don't communicate unless it is Messenger Kids, knocking on doors, or when they got a phone. We wait until 6th grade to give them phones, so that is a long time past that 8-9 year old range.
My kids have never called a parents cell phone because I was told by friends that they don't call anymore and only text. So I stopped calling people at all after that because two of my friends were pretty rude about it (and we aren't close anymore).
My kids started calling friends to play between 3 and 5 years old. Whenever they started having a friend. DS actually was the kid who started calling at age 3 because his BFF was my friend’s DS. My older two started in kindergarten, however, when my oldest was in kindergarten most of her friends still had landlines. We still have a landline and since DS still doesn’t have a phone he calls his friends cell phones from our landline now if he can’t find them roaming the neighborhood. Before his friends had cell phones he called parent cell phones. It’s their prerogative not to answer if they don’t want to answer the phone, but they always answered him if they were able to answer. They knew our landline number was DS calling. Also I don’t believe people get to control my actions, only their own.
I'm not a playdate mom. We have four kids and that's enough to supervise/schedule, and my kids are in full time school/care and a lot of sports. Now someone will want to do a playdate with my kindergartner or preschooler and I'll offer "my older kids is going to be playing softball at x field from x-y time next Saturday. Would you like to get the boys together at the playground there for an hour?" Or I'm that annoying person who is fine dropping my kid to play at someone's house but rarely reciprocates.
I love this as it provides validation to me. I'd also love to not reciprocate but my social anxiety is so high that I then feel supremely guilty for not reciprocating. Gahhh...
meowmaps , as a fellow introvert I never want to "bother" people. In terms of embarassment, I am sure that the mom has totally forgotten about it, so try not to worry about it yourself. Everyone always seems to worry more about themselves than other people. And there is nothing embarrassing about putting yourself out there, but rejection can be painful.
I follow a blogger that basically says try 3 times. Since the mom responded once and said they were busy, I would take that as successful interaction that she at least responded. So I agree try again when the weather is nice, and if they still don't respond then message received. The blogger would try even more than I do, but I feel like most people are in that 1-2 maybe 3 times category and then give up. Since you fit into that category than nothing to be embarrassed about- that is in the range of normal.
I go in spurts of trying versus not trying in terms of playdates. I feel like I tried hard in preschool with DD and DS was in 1st grade. I had some duds (above story) and some good experiences and one lasting friendship. It was awkward and painful and I needed a script from here. But that 1 lasting friendship and the one good acquaintence (her kids babysat mine and she is a secretary at the school) makes it worthwhile. I suggest expanding the circle a bit, and trying other people. Oh and sometimes it was just fun playdates that lasted only the year and they moved, but it was still worthwhile in the end.
Post by hbomdiggity on Jan 8, 2024 16:22:59 GMT -5
I totally understand the “not that into you vibe” and not feeling up to reaching out again, but I agree the last 5 weeks or so may not be the best barometer.
I’d reach out again, give a specific time, but also ask if there is a better time. Otherwise, I’d be honest with your kid that you’ve reached out. She can tell her friend and friend will prob mention it mom.