Finding a virtual marriage counselor

[dancelnow]

My husband and I are separated by several states for the last year. Apparently by his choice. I originally thought it was just because his job here was so bad and our industry only has limited locations so he moved. Apparently he moved to get away from me. I was supportive of his going because I thought it was what was needed for his professional life and mental health from a toxic workplace (that I still work at). We each have a kid from prior marriages with 50/50 custody. The other parents are local to me, so I had to stay behind to take care of kids.

I’m not ready to let this relationship go, but obviously we can’t do counseling in person. I feel like we need a male counselor because he doesn’t trust women (abusive mother and had his first bio son kept from him by mom). I may be able to get him to participate, if only for how to co-parent to start.

How do I find a reputable counselor? How do I interview one to see if they are a fit?

[gretchenindisguise]

The good news is that many therapists now do telehealth. As long as one of you are in the state the clinician is licensed, you should be ok.

I'd start by asking friends for recommendations and then reach out to your insurance company for their list. Psychology Today is also a good resource. There isn't really a way to "interview" a therapist beyond doing a consultation session, which many don't do. But if you do a first session and you're not jelling, it's ok to move on to another one.

[brooke77]

You can usually go through your health insurance website and search for counselors there. You can narrow down by telehealth and specialization (family/couples). On my insurance site, it shows you available providers with a small intro and contact information for each.

My insurance only covered individual therapy and not couples, so we never got a chance to actually proceed, but I know that counseling has been super helpful for a lot of my friends. Good luck!

[dancelnow]

Our insurance doesn’t cover therapy at all so totally out of pocket.

[Deleted]

We searched for a local counselor that also did telehealth. They don't take insurance but I file a claim on my own. We initally looked for one that uses the Gottman Method. We wanted a clear path of where we are going in counseling and exactly how we can repair after arguing. We have done in person and telehealth and I really think it has helped. I like our counselor and I think it has done a world of good. I went to marriage couseling over 13 years ago with my ex husband and it did shit so I was very happy that this has worked well. Our relationship has been the best it has been in the last ten years.

[gemini79]

Psychology Today is a great resource.

[mcmel]

I’m a bit lost. It sounds like his mind is 100% made up and he is fairly desperate for a divorce, although he’s taking a very cowardly approach. Why are you fighting for this relationship?

Also, why would you need to coparent? He has his child, that you have been raising alone 50% of the time, and you have your child. You do not have children together. Real rich that he doesn’t trust women except when it comes to raising his child that he left in your custody.

[heygrey]

Jan 12, 2024 10:14:00 GMT -5 mcmel said:

I’m a bit lost. It sounds like his mind is 100% made up and he is fairly desperate for a divorce, although he’s taking a very cowardly approach. Why are you fighting for this relationship?

Also, why would you need to coparent? He has his child, that you have been raising alone 50% of the time, and you have your child. You do not have children together. Real rich that he doesn’t trust women except when it comes to raising his child that he left in your custody.

This.

He needs to work on himself and his trauma and trust issues before you can effectively work on your marriage.

[Deleted]

I see we have gotten to the "advice she didn't ask for" portion of the thread.

Never change ML... never change.

[sparkythelawyer]

With all of the love and kindness in this world -

Friend. He's already left. Ready or not, here it is. I strongly recommend a counselor - for you.

I also recommend you find an attorney to figure out how to protect yourself.

And run your credit.

And I'll bet all the money in my pockets he has someone out there.

He's left.

[atarianna]

Another great resource would be your (or his) EAP through work. I initially found my therapist through my EAP then transitioned to my insurance once the 5 sessions were complete. It might be a good way to see if it’s a good fit and working to benefit you without a lot of up front costs.

We have done phone, FaceTime and in person marriage counseling and while in person has been best for us, I think FaceTime is a great option too. Phone was not great for us.

I am sorry you’re going through this, and hope some counseling can help you figure out the best path forward.

[sproctopus]

Jan 12, 2024 10:36:19 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

I see we have gotten to the "advice she didn't ask for" portion of the thread.

Never change ML... never change.

I appreciate deeply when my friends tell me the hardest things. It's not easy to do.

She certainly could have googled "online marriage counseling". Posting on a message board as an adult certainly gets you opinions, as I am sure she is aware.

OP, you deserve to live a life where you don't have to be alone in a relationship. You deserve that. You are worthy of a love you don't have to sacrifice self-worth for, I promise. You holding the family together while he went to start a new life in a new state was effort enough. You do not have to give more, do more or fix more to say you did your all. Any counselor worth their salt will tell you this. I wish you luck and I'm rooting for you to come out stronger and more self confident on the other side of this.

[ssmjlm]

You deserve better.

Find a lawyer. Get finances in order. Run your credit.

And thank you for helping with his kid. There’s a special place for you for doing that while he’s off shoving his dick somewhere else most likely.

[Deleted]

Jan 12, 2024 10:42:57 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

Jan 12, 2024 10:36:19 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

I see we have gotten to the "advice she didn't ask for" portion of the thread.

Never change ML... never change.

I appreciate deeply when my friends tell me the hardest things. It's not easy to do.

She certainly could have googled "online marriage counseling". Posting on a message board as an adult certainly gets you opinions, as I am sure she is aware.

I get that but also on the flip side, she said she isn't ready to let it go and also she would like counseling even if it's just to coparent. I see so many people in situations and relationships I would never tolerate. But they won't leave until they are ready to. I don't think this place will change her mind. Perhaps I am projecting onto this place due to my time in Alanon where we don't give others advice but speak about our own struggles for others to learn from. I'm sure this is coloring my feelings right now. 

[circa1978]

Jan 12, 2024 10:36:19 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

I see we have gotten to the "advice she didn't ask for" portion of the thread.

Never change ML... never change.

I hope we don't! What I see is women looking out for another woman with her interests in heart. 

OP, that has to have been a really hard blow to hear from your H. I am so sorry. I think if he's willing to go to counseling, that's fine but please also get a counselor for yourself. And I would consider carefully staying with a partner with so little regard for women that they can't be an option for a provider. Sounds like individual counseling would be quite helpful for him too. 

[sproctopus]

Jan 12, 2024 10:54:12 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Jan 12, 2024 10:42:57 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

I appreciate deeply when my friends tell me the hardest things. It's not easy to do.

She certainly could have googled "online marriage counseling". Posting on a message board as an adult certainly gets you opinions, as I am sure she is aware.

I get that but also on the flip side, she said she isn't ready to let it go and also she would like counseling even if it's just to coparent. I see so many people in situations and relationships I would never tolerate. But they won't leave until they are ready to. I don't think this place will change her mind. Perhaps I am projecting onto this place due to my time in Alanon where we don't give others advice but speak about our own struggles for others to learn from. I'm sure this is coloring my feelings right now. 

I understand where you're coming from. And you're right-- we, as strangers, probably won't change her mind right now. The instinct is to root and push against the change. I hope, though, that even the smallest noises we've made here in support of her get in-- even if they're quiet voices in the back of her mind. Even if they don't push her to leave, I hope they find space in there to sit and remind her she's worth more than he makes her feel. I want her to know that even if she stays.

[definitelyO]

Jan 12, 2024 9:08:09 GMT -5 dancelnow said:

Our insurance doesn’t cover therapy at all so totally out of pocket.

that's interesting to me and obv. I'm not familiar with all health care plans out there - but there is something called mental health parity act - where mental health is treated as healthcare.

but I would just google and then read reviews to find someone if you don't have access through your health insurance or an EAP.

[mel]

Jan 12, 2024 11:11:43 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

Jan 12, 2024 10:54:12 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

I get that but also on the flip side, she said she isn't ready to let it go and also she would like counseling even if it's just to coparent. I see so many people in situations and relationships I would never tolerate. But they won't leave until they are ready to. I don't think this place will change her mind. Perhaps I am projecting onto this place due to my time in Alanon where we don't give others advice but speak about our own struggles for others to learn from. I'm sure this is coloring my feelings right now. 

I understand where you're coming from. And you're right-- we, as strangers, probably won't change her mind right now. The instinct is to root and push against the change. I hope, though, that even the smallest noises we've made here in support of her get in-- even if they're quiet voices in the back of her mind. Even if they don't push her to leave, I hope they find space in there to sit and remind her she's worth more than he makes her feel. I want her to know that even if she stays.

Perfectly and eloquently said. My knee jerk reaction was to question why she's staying, but I didn't because I didn't want to cast doubt. But this is far more the reason why I was questioning her staying than the fact that he sounds like a jerk. 

[Eagles]

He's already let the relationship go. He's gone. You love a mirage; that man doesn't exist.

Therapy to help you mourn and move on is my advice. You're grieving what was but no longer is. I'm sorry.

[dancelnow]

Jan 12, 2024 10:47:26 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

You deserve better.

Find a lawyer. Get finances in order. Run your credit.

And thank you for helping with his kid. There’s a special place for you for doing that while he’s off shoving his dick somewhere else most likely.

We actually have had a sexually open relationship from the beginning. We have different sexual needs and that has worked for us.

Finances are totally in order as they are joint and I manage them and have access to all his accounts.

She deserves better. We have 4.5 years until she’s out of school and I’m committed to helping her stay in my school district through high school, along with my son, because the other parents’ district is awful.

He’s not totally done. He’s still reaching out to show he’s not gone. But it’s rough. I wish he’d work on his trauma, but right now I actually think his bipolar meds need adjusting. He’s been compensating with extra of his “rescue” med. Obviously moving states complicates that because he needs a new dr.

[dancelnow]

Jan 12, 2024 10:55:06 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

Jan 12, 2024 10:36:19 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

I see we have gotten to the "advice she didn't ask for" portion of the thread.

Never change ML... never change.

I hope we don't! What I see is women looking out for another woman with her interests in heart. 

OP, that has to have been a really hard blow to hear from your H. I am so sorry. I think if he's willing to go to counseling, that's fine but please also get a counselor for yourself. And I would consider carefully staying with a partner with so little regard for women that they can't be an option for a provider. Sounds like individual counseling would be quite helpful for him too. 

I’ve been through individual counseling. He tried individual but his provider was only phone based and said “everything’s fine, nothing I can do for you”. Yay quality mental health providers. We’ve had success with joint in the past, but when we fell off and needed more, the provider was no longer taking patients.

He can have women doctors, but specifically for relationship counseling, it is an issue. He can’t get passed assuming they have a biased view (as we all do) in the area where he’s been hurt.

[sparkythelawyer]

Jan 12, 2024 10:54:12 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Jan 12, 2024 10:42:57 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

I appreciate deeply when my friends tell me the hardest things. It's not easy to do.

She certainly could have googled "online marriage counseling". Posting on a message board as an adult certainly gets you opinions, as I am sure she is aware.

I get that but also on the flip side, she said she isn't ready to let it go and also she would like counseling even if it's just to coparent. I see so many people in situations and relationships I would never tolerate. But they won't leave until they are ready to. I don't think this place will change her mind. Perhaps I am projecting onto this place due to my time in Alanon where we don't give others advice but speak about our own struggles for others to learn from. I'm sure this is coloring my feelings right now. 

I see your point and appreciate it, but also know that sometimes, people not as deep into the situation can provide a bit of clarity.  That's not to say that we here at ML don't jump the whole shark sometimes, but sometimes we tell ourselves a lot of tall tales until someone helps us pop that balloon.

[gemini79]

Jan 12, 2024 11:51:27 GMT -5 dancelnow said:

Jan 12, 2024 10:55:06 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

I hope we don't! What I see is women looking out for another woman with her interests in heart. 

OP, that has to have been a really hard blow to hear from your H. I am so sorry. I think if he's willing to go to counseling, that's fine but please also get a counselor for yourself. And I would consider carefully staying with a partner with so little regard for women that they can't be an option for a provider. Sounds like individual counseling would be quite helpful for him too. 

I’ve been through individual counseling. He tried individual but his provider was only phone based and said “everything’s fine, nothing I can do for you”. Yay quality mental health providers. We’ve had success with joint in the past, but when we fell off and needed more, the provider was no longer taking patients.

He can have women doctors, but specifically for relationship counseling, it is an issue. He can’t get passed assuming they have a biased view (as we all do) in the area where he’s been hurt.

Overall, your posts are so interesting. The only thing I can say is that counseling works best when the person feels an investment and takes responsibility for the growth they envision and want to see. Based on what you are reporting, your husband seems avoidance and the personal investment seems questionable. It's admirable to see your investment though.

[BlondeSpiders]

Jan 12, 2024 11:51:27 GMT -5 dancelnow said:

Jan 12, 2024 10:55:06 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

I’ve been through individual counseling. He tried individual but his provider was only phone based and said “everything’s fine, nothing I can do for you”. Yay quality mental health providers. We’ve had success with joint in the past, but when we fell off and needed more, the provider was no longer taking patients.

Would you consider reaching out to your previous therapist to ask for a referral or two? If they are no longer in practice, I hope they could help you find someone new.

[rhian]

Jan 12, 2024 13:30:19 GMT -5 BlondeSpiders said:

Jan 12, 2024 11:51:27 GMT -5 dancelnow said:

I’ve been through individual counseling. He tried individual but his provider was only phone based and said “everything’s fine, nothing I can do for you”. Yay quality mental health providers. We’ve had success with joint in the past, but when we fell off and needed more, the provider was no longer taking patients.

Would you consider reaching out to your previous therapist to ask for a referral or two? If they are no longer in practice, I hope they could help you find someone new.

I was going to suggest this as well. You might ask if they do virtual sessions, or if they could recommend someone who does and might be a good fit for you.

[wordy]

I’ve seen that betterhelp also has counseling for couples (along with individual counseling). It’s virtual and seems to be a decent price for sessions. If that might also be an option to look into.

[wildrice]

Jan 12, 2024 11:29:21 GMT -5 definitelyO said:

Jan 12, 2024 9:08:09 GMT -5 dancelnow said:

Our insurance doesn’t cover therapy at all so totally out of pocket.

that's interesting to me and obv. I'm not familiar with all health care plans out there - but there is something called mental health parity act - where mental health is treated as healthcare.

but I would just google and then read reviews to find someone if you don't have access through your health insurance or an EAP.

I think marriage counseling is treated as something separate from mental health, though. It's been like 12-13 years since I dealt with it, but the way I found to get around that was to list my XH as the primary patient for billing purposes, but our counselor saw us together. I have no idea if that's even ethical by insurance standards so some providers may not do that, but at the time I was grateful it was an option.

OP I think counseling is always a good idea when thinking of ending a marriage. In my case it did not save my marriage, but it did help me feel like I had done what I could do feel like I could walk away without the guilt of feeling like I should have done more. I agree it sounds like there are a lot of red flags going up, but counseling should be able to better help you identify and talk through those!

[gummy]

Even if he were checked out, if he's willing to go to therapy, there nothing wrong in utilizing that tool to help you come to terms with this life change. I think coming to terms with the end of a marriage in counseling could be the best thing. The setting is much more healthy then at home depending on the people involved and their levels of emotional maturity. And if it all works out, great! Good luck to you.

[sofamonkey]

I know you didn’t ask this, but I’ll tell you anyway. LOL

My H dealt with a lot of trauma and abuse recovery, and he did EMDR counseling. That helped him immensely. It is very intense, and you need a good deal of downtime to recover from each session. Him being away might be ideal for him to explore something like this for himself.

[IndiaInk]

Just a heads up that you might encounter some difficulty in finding a provider that can see patients (even virtually through telehealth) who are in different states, because the therapist has to be licensed in both states. My partner and I live in different states and a few therapists have told me they couldn't see us for couples therapy because of that. According to them, it's also technically not permissible for them to even provide therapy via telehealth when a client is calling in from out of state due to temporary work or travel, which just seems nuts to me in 2024 given we conduct most business virtually from anywhere! You should definitely ask around though - I get the impression some therapists might be less risk-averse and be willing to turn a blind eye to the rules for this type of situation, but it sounds like they could technically lose their license if they were reported.