Post by emilyinchile on Jan 18, 2024 8:46:49 GMT -5
Please no one talk about snow blowers today
And an actual question: how have you talked to your little kids about death if you aren't religious? My mom died in a plane crash when I was 16, but we have pictures of her, and it's important to me that L know who she is. Yesterday he asked if we could go see her (ohhhh my heart!), and I tried to explain that she isn't here, she's only in our hearts now because she had an accident and had to go away, but he just thinks she's in California or England instead of Chile. I don't want to reference heaven, and I also don't want to make him scared of flying, and basically I just did not think this through at all and could use some ideas.
emilyinchile, timely because I had this discussion with my 4 year old last night. I am also non-religious and think when you die, that's it. She was clearly anxious/frightened so I went the route of "No one really knows what happens after you die, some people think its just like going to sleep forever, some people think you're born as a baby again and live a new life, some people think you go to a place called heaven where all the people who died before you live. I'm not really sure, but the people we love who have died always live in our hearts and memories."
I've developed an Animal Crossing obsession. My H has a Switch. I heard about AC and was like "hey--if you order that can I play it a few times on your switch". Long story short my own Switch device arrives Friday because I am now obsessed. LOL My 7 year old got one for Christmas but apparently we need 3 devices in our family. Haha.
I like scm1011's approach. Our first exposure to death was when our dog passed away last year, and we read the book Dog Heaven. I hadn't really planned on introducing the concept of heaven to the kids, but my then 5 year old gravitated to the idea so I haven't done anything to try to move him away from it. I figure if it's comforting to him, then it's relatively harmless. He'll have his entire adult life to make up his own mind about it.
emilyinchile, timely because I had this discussion with my 4 year old last night. I am also non-religious and think when you die, that's it. She was clearly anxious/frightened so I went the route of "No one really knows what happens after you die, some people think its just like going to sleep forever, some people think you're born as a baby again and live a new life, some people think you go to a place called heaven where all the people who died before you live. I'm not really sure, but the people we love who have died always live in our hearts and memories."
We took a similar approach. When my grandma died in October we discussed some of the options with my 3 kids: going to sleep forever, being reborn, going to another place. The biggest thing was when we were at the repast I grabbed my kids and pointed out all the people in the room and saying we are all here because of grandma. She’s not here anymore, but she lives on in all of us. They responded well to that message.
E was just a week shy of 6 when my sister unexpectedly died. I took the approach of she's not here anymore and that some people think people go to heaven. I mostly talked about how we still think of her and that she's in our hearts.
It was a lot harder to answer the questions of how and why she died because it was fentanyl and she had a lot of mental health issues. I just told her she was sick and her heart stopped, which is what the fentanyl did.
Post by followyourarrow on Jan 18, 2024 9:04:48 GMT -5
I figured out where all our money is going. $500 a month in dog food and grooming. We have 3 big dogs, 2 doodles and a lab something or another. I beg of you, please don't get doodles because they are cute. They cost a ton in grooming, they eat a lot, they have crazy energy. I have one that gets ear infections constantly it seems, which is also a doodle trait. Please note I love my dogs very much and I wouldn't trade them for anything. FI doesn't know this yet, but we'll probably keep taking in doodles lol, because they are fantastic and give the best cuddles, but OMG the money.
To follow up on my flight seats anxiety, I did a chat with American who assured me we are sitting together on all 4 flights. I took screen shots of the entire conversation since you cannot save it or email it to yourself.
Passang better be ready if he's wrong (kidding, sort of).
Post by emilyinchile on Jan 18, 2024 9:16:59 GMT -5
Thank you all! I feel weird clicking like on posts where you're sharing losses you've had, but I appreciate the suggestions. I also am not totally opposed to him thinking of heaven, I just for some reason have no issue telling him Santa exists but feel like a liar being the one to introduce heaven?
ssmjlm I'm glad you got that reassurance! I saw your post about the lady on the phone yesterday, and sometimes seating charts just show up weird until it's check-in time when everyone is able to get their actual seat, but hopefully you guys will get to be where you want.
emilyinchile Big Little Feelings has a good reel saved on their Instagram page about explaining death to toddlers. I've followed that when explaining when my dad died and why my mom isn't here.
To sum it up, you explain that their body stopped working because of xyz (keeping it however vague), and they died. Then I made sure to mention that our bodies are healthy and strong, and he can ask me questions any time about Grandma S or Grandpa R.
Eta - my son is 3yo and hasn't asked too many deep follow up questions. I have a photo displayed of both of them in our living room, and I'll mention them in regards to interactions with my life, and less so about their death.
emilyinchile Big Little Feelings has a good reel saved on their Instagram page about explaining death to toddlers. I've followed that when explaining when my dad died and why my mom isn't here.
To sum it up, you explain that their body stopped working because of xyz (keeping it however vague), and they died. Then I made sure to mention that our bodies are healthy and strong, and he can ask me questions any time about Grandma S or Grandpa R.
I agree.... We said their body stopped working and they died, and that means they aren't alive anymore. And that usually that happens when people are really really old. Just facts and no euphemisms. It still freaked them out a little, but it wasn't a giant thing and we just kept reassuring them.
Eh I’ve never been too mushy about it, esp because it was a regular discussion in our household. My exH and I would talk frequently about our work, which included a lot of death. It became a normalized discussion topic, because death is a normal part of life. We’d discuss different ways people died and how it happened. It helped then when we had pets die. Of course, my kids still miss them, but it wasn’t traumatic. We were/are very open about drug overdoses, suicides, accidents, end of disease processes, and natural death. I want them to know the very real risks of drug use/abuse, mental health struggles, and taking care of their health. We’re atheist and so we’ve never said anything about heaven or afterlife. We’ve talked about how it’s often harder for those left behind to pick up the pieces and I answer all questions matter of fact and honest. 🤷♀️
Post by Patsy Baloney on Jan 18, 2024 9:32:22 GMT -5
I wonder if looking up the old episode of Sesame Street where they explain to Big Bird that Mr. Hooper died might be helpful? Big Bird didn’t understand. I think there’s an updated version with Elmo and an uncle where they talk about him dying and Elmo has a similar thought - oh he’ll be back, he’s just away. And they then have to explain that death is a finality, we won’t see them any more, etc.
My scout troop pulled double duty last night and I went to bed as happy as a clam. We had one group packing food for a supplemental food program for their school district. We had another presenting their Bronze Award project to their school board and being informed that the school was going to share their publication on their social media channels and their newsletter to help signal boost the content. It was a project on youth anxiety and they made sort of a self-help book for kids their age. It had info about anxiety, a questionnaire about when to involve an adult, see a doctor, see a counselor, and then a bunch of calming strategies. I’m very proud of them.
Great day to be a Girl Scout and make the world a better place.
We got the book Lifetimes, which talks about how all living things have a beginning and an end, and in between is their lifetime. It helped explain the finality in terms he understood.
I was OK with the idea of heaven, and frankly *I* got a lot of comfort from the book The Invisible String-- it's not about death, it's just about how you are connected to everyone you love by an invisible string. There is just one page that talks about how the invisible string connects you even when the person you love is in heaven.
Not sure if either of those would help you, but thought I'd put them out there.
And an actual question: how have you talked to your little kids about death if you aren't religious? My mom died in a plane crash when I was 16, but we have pictures of her, and it's important to me that L know who she is. Yesterday he asked if we could go see her (ohhhh my heart!), and I tried to explain that she isn't here, she's only in our hearts now because she had an accident and had to go away, but he just thinks she's in California or England instead of Chile. I don't want to reference heaven, and I also don't want to make him scared of flying, and basically I just did not think this through at all and could use some ideas.
we aren’t religious - I’m agnostic and DH is an atheist. We talked about death a lot when they were little/asking questions, and a touch more when they were older and their uncle passed suddenly a few years ago.
I basically said “no one knows what happens. This is what dad believes, this is what I believe, this is what your grandma (religious/Christian) believes, this is what your best friend (Jewish) believes, here are some other beliefs in the world..what do you think?”. My older son basically chose to believe in reincarnation for a long time as a kid. My little guy I think believes in a heaven type concept.
I focused a lot on no belief being wrong because we honestly don’t know, and beliefs are there to help you understand things. Also that you can change beliefs - it’s all ok, no one is right and no one is wrong. I also reiterated a lot when they were very young that death usually happens when people are very very old and ar that point they aren’t scared and are kind of ready (this slightly backfired when my 4 year old asked my dad “grandpa are you very very old? And he cheerfully responded “yes I am!” causing DS to burst into tears and my dad to be very confused lol)
In terms of the plane issue - my BIL died in a biking accident and we didn’t want them scared of cycling. We just talked about how accidents can happen sometimes but it’s very rare and here are all the ways we keep you safe (you have to wear a helmet and seatbelt, we look both ways, whatever). Even though these things don’t fit the circumstances (the accident was not my BILs fault, you can’t control much with a plane, etc) I think just being matter of fact that things are rare and my job is to keep you safe. As I always tell my kids “do you think I would let you do something I didn’t think was safe?”. I think it helps, and telling the truth simply is always best
emilyinchile , timely because I had this discussion with my 4 year old last night. I am also non-religious and think when you die, that's it. She was clearly anxious/frightened so I went the route of "No one really knows what happens after you die, some people think its just like going to sleep forever, some people think you're born as a baby again and live a new life, some people think you go to a place called heaven where all the people who died before you live. I'm not really sure, but the people we love who have died always live in our hearts and memories."
We took a similar approach. When my grandma died in October we discussed some of the options with my 3 kids: going to sleep forever, being reborn, going to another place. The biggest thing was when we were at the repast I grabbed my kids and pointed out all the people in the room and saying we are all here because of grandma. She’s not here anymore, but she lives on in all of us. They responded well to that message.
I really like this message.
S was 4 when my dad died suddenly, we are very factual and atheist and told him he was gone. He asked if he would be buried in a cemetery and we explained cremation and why my dad wanted to go that route. We did not bring up heaven but clearly others did and when he asked to go visit poppop in heaven we explained that heaven is a feeling in your heart, like love, and so if you believe in heaven you just have to know when you think of poppop with love in your heart, that is how you visit him.
I for sure would not at all mention anything about the airplane because that could cause a LOT of fear (hell, just hearing that triggers my anxiety) that could become problematic. I know S would latch onto that and be terrified of flying.
And an actual question: how have you talked to your little kids about death if you aren't religious? My mom died in a plane crash when I was 16, but we have pictures of her, and it's important to me that L know who she is. Yesterday he asked if we could go see her (ohhhh my heart!), and I tried to explain that she isn't here, she's only in our hearts now because she had an accident and had to go away, but he just thinks she's in California or England instead of Chile. I don't want to reference heaven, and I also don't want to make him scared of flying, and basically I just did not think this through at all and could use some ideas.
I basically said “no one knows what happens. This is what dad believes, this is what I believe, this is what your grandma (religious/Christian) believes, this is what your best friend (Jewish) believes, here are some other beliefs in the world..what do you think?”. My older son basically chose to believe in reincarnation for a long time as a kid. My little guy I think believes in a heaven type concept.
I focused a lot on no belief being wrong because we honestly don’t know, and beliefs are there to help you understand things. Also that you can change beliefs - it’s all ok, no one is right and no one is wrong. I also reiterated a lot when they were very young that death usually happens when people are very very old and ar that point they aren’t scared and are kind of ready (this slightly backfired when my 4 year old asked my dad “grandpa are you very very old? And he cheerfully responded “yes I am!” causing DS to burst into tears and my dad to be very confused lol)
we did this as well. "daddy and I believe this. Bubbie believes this. Gigi and pops believe this." We do this in terms of religion and various holidays as well. We did also have to talk about getting old and sick and how most people do not die until they are older and that everyone and every THING dies. And that it is okay to be scared of death but not something he needs to worry about (though he did for quite awhile and still sometimes does.)
emilyinchile, we talk to the kids about death fairly often in the context of explaining my mom's absence. My kids are now 4 and 8, and she died when my older one was 5 months. We have a few photos of the two of them together, but DD recently was commenting that she doesn't remember her voice, what she's like, etc.
We tell them that she had a disease called cancer where parts of her body slowly stopped working the way they were supposed to, and doctors weren't able to fix or stop it. Eventually her body stopped working entirely, she stopped breathing, and her body died. I specifically named cancer just so it would be distinguishable for them from when they get a cold, so they aren't so afraid that their bodies will also stop working. I don't know how I'd handle the accident verbiage.
We also are not religious, so there's no God and Heaven talk. We talk about what we loved about her, and remember about her, and that she lives in us through those memories. If we do something that she taught us, we're keeping her memory alive. Obviously I had a lot more time with her than my kids did, but if I do something that she taught me, and then I teach my kids, she's living on and on in small ways, which is what she would have wanted.
emilyinchile, I don't have any advice, but I'm sending big hugs for how difficult it must be to navigate this. I am sorry you lost her in such a sudden way.
I am in the office today and I forgot my ear buds. It's going to be a LONG day listening to other peoples' random conversations. I usually put in ear buds to drown it out.
I recently subscribed to NYT cooking and I've been really enjoying making the recipes. They are mostly relatively simple and with easy to find ingredients, which isn't always the case with cookbooks. They also typically make 4 servings so we've been eating a lot of leftovers for lunches, which takes care of my other least favorite meal to figure out. I got the subscription on some kind of deal where it's only $5 a month, but at this rate I might want to continue long term with it.
Despite having a roaring fire going in the fireplace I'm still cold so I turned up the furnace because I'm just plain tired of being cold. And it's still January I'm looking forward to heading to warmer temps next month despite the fact that I've done no planning... We know we're doing one day at Universal (but of course I still need to get tickets LOL) but have nothing planned beyond that. Our resort has lots of options so I'm not worried but usually I've done more planning at this point.
It's house cleaner day so at this that's a positive!
Post by lilafowler on Jan 18, 2024 10:10:19 GMT -5
Does anyone have ice cleats they slip in their shoes? I need some. I want/need Mt Everest style protection as some people seem to think they don’t live in a society and don’t shovel their sidewalks. It’s like playing ice Frogger here.
Does anyone have ice cleats they slip in their shoes? I need some. I want/need Mt Everest style protection as some people seem to think they don’t live in a society and don’t shovel their sidewalks. It’s like playing ice Frogger here.
do you mean like yaktrax? That's what I used in the winter when I used to run.
So I don't make resolutions, but I do have 2 goals for this year.
1. To use up all of the makeup/skin stuff I have. I am terrible of having a huge back stock of stuff. 2. Get the 2022 and 2023 family albums done on Shutterfly
I'm trying to set aside a half hour after dinner some nights to work on the books and not just be on my phone. My poor kid keeps reminding me I'm behind because she does take the books down and look through them.
wildrice, I signed up for NYT cooking this year too and I really like it! I have like 30 recipes saved in my "to try" folder. Any recipes you'd recommend? I really liked Coconut Fish and Tomato Bake and I'm trying the Pancit recipe this week!
Post by maudefindlay on Jan 18, 2024 10:32:04 GMT -5
bex1973 we went to Universal this past summer and did not do near the planning we would do for our trips to WDW and it was just fine. Universal is definitely more laid back in our experience in that regard.
Patsy Baloney, I saw the Mr Hooper episode when it aired and it was super helpful at the time because my grandmother had just died but my mom was like, we all just sat there and cried forever. RIP Mr Hooper.