Thursday updates and questions

[waverly]

I have a question.  DD joined her first ever group chat and right away one of the girls said, "S dont you hate DD".  S says no/ denies it but clearly had been telling this other girl this information previously.  Group originator says "hey DD is on this group text" and asks them to delete the text which they say hey "that isn't how this works because it won't delete for everyone." 

S is our neighbor, and we have a carpool.  She talks about the girls in code names to the boys.  For example, DD is "howling wolf" or something like that.  She put her bracelet in DD's desk and told the kids that DD stole it.  DD was in math class at the time.

What, if anything would you do?  DD says she is fine ignoring it.  But DD has been in tears a few times at pick up over it.  Since it is the group chat of girls in her class, I can go to the teacher, social worker or her mom or we can keep ignoring it.  I think it may be past the point of trying to sit down and fix it (unless social worker wanted to try).  But past the point of the girls or the moms working on it.  Would you reach out to the school? 

[sandandsea]

Ugh I’m sorry that really sucks. Girls can be so mean. Idk how old ds is but I would probably approach it with DD as the following. - You know other girls nature and true feelings. She is not a friend and needs to work on being a kinder person. That has nothing to do with DD. Encourage her to focus on building relationships with other girls and ignoring mean girl. Mean girl only has power if DD lets her. And her meanness is a weakness and character flaw. There are lots of nice girls or other girls mean girl is mean to and lots of girls that know mean girl is mean. Find them and be friends with them.

Getting the teacher or others involved likely won’t do any good and could further ostracize DD as the tattle. Empower her to take control of the situation by ignoring mean girl and finding other friends.

DS2 is sensitive and gets upset by things like this and we talk to him about “do we care what so and so thinks? No because we know he’s wrong and it’s not our problem if he wants to be a dummy and be wrong. We know you are awesome so do t worry about so and so being wrong”.

[k3am]

waverly, I have no great advice. In our family, we say that we don't waste energy on people who have proven they are not good friends. I know you're trying to maintain this friendship because they're neighbors and they carpool with you guys, but I'd consider cutting them out. Keeping them in is modeling that we put up with people treating us poorly, even if it's just for convenience. I can't remember if it's the whole family, or just the kid, but it's clearly a problem. And that problem may never resolve, but you and DD can step away from it and focus your time and energy on people who deserve it.

I would not get involved personally, unless your DD asks. She is old enough she needs to start managing these things on her own and looping you in where she needs help. With DD, if I hear something like this, I generally ask if she's looking for advice or just wants to vent. Once she realized that I won't actually involve myself in the situation unless she asks, she's opened up and been a lot more communicative. It's still a work in progress. And I *really* want to step in in few instances!

[k3am]

Question. DD cracked a molar a few weeks ago. It was a baby tooth, we called the dentist, they said don't worry since it will fall out soon. Half of it fell out Tuesday. It looks like gum had grown up in between the piece that's still there and the piece that fell out and the piece that's still in is holding strong, not the slightest wiggle to be seen. She's got an appointment for a check up in about a month. We're good to wait that long?

[waverly]

k3am, what is happening just became apparent now to me. She wasn't the neighbor that we had issues with before. But, yes if we need to discontinue the carpool I will and let the mom know why.

[waverly]

Jan 25, 2024 12:30:06 GMT -5 k3am said:

Question. DD cracked a molar a few weeks ago. It was a baby tooth, we called the dentist, they said don't worry since it will fall out soon. Half of it fell out Tuesday. It looks like gum had grown up in between the piece that's still there and the piece that fell out and the piece that's still in is holding strong, not the slightest wiggle to be seen. She's got an appointment for a check up in about a month. We're good to wait that long?

Keep wiggling it.  Ours was holding strong, but one tug and it was out, so keep working at it.  

[k3am]

Jan 25, 2024 12:35:22 GMT -5 waverly said:

k3am , what is happening just became apparent now to me. She wasn't the neighbor that we had issues with before. But, yes if we need to discontinue the carpool I will and let the mom know why.

That is good to know. I have a hard time keeping people and their details straight (I'm AMAZED by some posters who can remember details from years before!)

DD's teacher told us that she has never had a class with such overall terrible friendship skills as she has now, and it seems to be across the board for the entire grade at the school. They're bringing all of the 5th grade girls to counseling sessions to try to teach them what healthy friendships look like, how to respond appropriately, etc. It's really hard to watch. 

[waverly]

k3am , I wouldn't be able to keep it straight either. And I feel like I have a LOT of neighbors lol.  I'm going to ask DD about the carpool tonight.  

[twinmomma]

Jan 25, 2024 12:55:35 GMT -5 k3am said:

Jan 25, 2024 12:35:22 GMT -5 waverly said:

k3am , what is happening just became apparent now to me. She wasn't the neighbor that we had issues with before. But, yes if we need to discontinue the carpool I will and let the mom know why.

DD's teacher told us that she has never had a class with such overall terrible friendship skills as she has now, and it seems to be across the board for the entire grade at the school. They're bringing all of the 5th grade girls to counseling sessions to try to teach them what healthy friendships look like, how to respond appropriately, etc. It's really hard to watch. 

I think this is just common at that age. Last year when the girls were in 5th grade there was a ton of drama amongst all the girls in the grade. Lots of friendship lessons, lunch bunch meetings, and updates from the guidance counselor throughout the year. The guidance counselor told me it's super common for the age and in our town, that's the last grade at the elementary level, so part of it is the transition to middle school too. 

[k3am]

twinmomma, some of it is definitely the age. But our teacher has been around the block - I think she's been teaching for 30+ years. She said they expect these things, but it's the worst she has ever seen it and the 5th grade teachers are worried about what will happen in middle school if some of them continue on the path they're on.

[waverly]

Yeah I imagine it is way worse because of Covid, and I hate blaming Covid for everything. But I know this girl did e-learning with her grandma for 2 years and didn't live at home because the family at home were essential workers, and they didn't want to bring it home to her. So she was on the extreme side of isolated for a very long time.

[186momx]

Updates: DH is still sick. He is now blaming it on his coworker who smokes because he stinks of smoke smell and they are stuck together all day. I asked if coworker smokes at work and he said no so he isn't actually inhaling smoke it is just the leftover smell. I told him to go back to the doctor.

Question: Middle school grade kids how long should a 2-3page double spaced essay take to write? Especially if it is a topic the student got to pick. DD has her IEP meeting on Friday and they are wanting to remove all supports due to high grades and reading scores. It took her 10+hrs to write a 4 page essay early this month. This was using a computer and being able to voice type while she was at home. Her grade was a 29/35.

DDOT: I had a tech meltdown yesterday. I'm so frustrated with tech and programs and people that I just went to bed with a paper book at 8pm. I even had issues using the TV remote last night.

waverly, some of it is age but I think it is becoming worse because those kids all have their own smartphones and access to social media. This is one of the reason I've having gotten DD a real phone with a phone number because the drama just over messenger is crazy. I've seen some of those screen shots between kids and it is scary. Her school has been talking a lot about cyber bullying.

[librarychica]

Fifth grade is the worse for drama! Though sixth hasn’t been a picnic either.

I will say, my older DD loses interest in group chats very quickly. She is constantly leaving and rejoining them because they become “too much.” I keep mine muted so I can relate, lol, so maybe this will blow over.

There is also always pot stirrers too. Like the one who said “hey don’t you hate so and so.” DD is casual friends with a pot stirrer and we have practiced with her on calling out bad behavior. So good for the girl who called out those two! It’s hard!

I would not intervene with the school unless it becomes a pattern or starts to affect her daily life. If you know the girls parents and it happens again it can’t hurt to give them a heads up. I’d want to know if my kid was being a twit online. Unfortunately though these kind of people will be in and out of her life forever, as we all know. Learning to roll her eyes, mute as needed, and not let it get to her is the defense I think.

[waverly]

186momx, DS wrote a paper about that length. I think it took 4 hours of classtime plus about 2 hours at home spread over several days. He worked with his tutor to make the paper longer and that went much quicker. And during class that is just estimate since I don't know for sure how much actual writing time they got.

[librarychica]

186momx, just to compose the essay? Not like something that requires research? I’d say an hour of brainstorming/graphical organization and another 2-4 hours of writing, just depending on their familiarity with the topic.

[librarychica]

Oh! I have an update. I have chosen a surgeon for my breast reduction. I’ve been thinking about this for more than a decade and I am stoked. We are looking at either March or, more likely, late June for the surgery.

[waverly]

librarychica, I am so happy that I had mine done, but I do think that the recovery was hard. Sorry.

[waverly]

I'm talking to neighbor mom but not about the issue. I have come to the conclusion that she has no idea what is happening between DD and S. But anyway, I know the teacher is moving their seats (they sit next to each other). And mom now told me she is quitting Girl Scouts.

So hopefully that will give them some much needed space from each other. They will still have class and band, but S's instrument is broken so she hasn't been attending band anyway.

[mae0111]

My day got all messed up when DD2’s afternoon activity at school got canceled. So I left work 45 mins early, went to get the dog, and went to pick my the kids early… except that there was an armed robbery at a pharmacy about 500 yards from the school and the guy got away on foot. So they locked the school down.

I’ve been sitting at pickup for 30 mins, been in the car for 90, and I have to pee. 😬

[186momx]

librarychica, no research needed. She is supposed to use a graphic organizer, but I haven't seen one this school year. A week of in class time, three class periods in academic support. SPED teacher looked at it and said it was okay, SPED aid looked at it and told her she needed to fix XYZ, classroom teacher looked at it and added ABC to redo. She spent 2 nights working on it at home plus a few hours on a Saturday.

[rere]

Dd made the dean's list for her first semester!!! Technically she's a sophomore because of dual credit, but her first real semester.

I've finally moved into my office and feel very fancy. I have it decorated, which I usually don't take time to do, except they won't let me drill into the new paint for my picture, so I am impatiently waiting on maintenance.

I don't have much else to offer, but I would not be able to hold it together to keep up the carpool.

[k3am]

rere, would they let you use command strips? When I switched offices, I had to leave my artwork behind because it's mounted on the wall - everything I'd put up with command strips (which are technically against the rules) I was able to move with me.

[waverly]

The group chat seemed to right itself and DD said she was OK with the carpool so we’ll just keep an eye on it.

[macmars45]

Covid is moving through my work (an elementary school) like wildfire. It's bad enough that the nurse emailed all the staff to maybe take a few RATs if we feel sick. My direct boss was feeling sick today so let's see if I can avoid it. *fingers crossed*

[dglvrk2]

Jan 25, 2024 12:30:06 GMT -5 k3am said:

Question. DD cracked a molar a few weeks ago. It was a baby tooth, we called the dentist, they said don't worry since it will fall out soon. Half of it fell out Tuesday. It looks like gum had grown up in between the piece that's still there and the piece that fell out and the piece that's still in is holding strong, not the slightest wiggle to be seen. She's got an appointment for a check up in about a month. We're good to wait that long?

As the daughter of a dentist and a mother who has seen gums swell over teeth, I say follow up with the dentist. DD2 has what my father (retired dentist) calls strong roots. Because of this, her gums have swelled over parts of her teeth when the adult teeth are ready to come in and her baby teeth are not loose. In these cases, my father and her current dentist recommended extraction as soon as possible. Not an emergency, but in the next week would be prudent.

[rere]

Jan 25, 2024 17:37:37 GMT -5 k3am said:

rere, would they let you use command strips? When I switched offices, I had to leave my artwork behind because it's mounted on the wall - everything I'd put up with command strips (which are technically against the rules) I was able to move with me.

If they don't get to it today, I'm going to go get some. Patience is a virtue, of which I do not have.

[waverly]

S put more things in DD’s desk. This started because they sit at a table together which is changing next week. She does this do she can tell all the kids that DD stole my whatever it is.

DD is at a breaking point now so she just went after her (not physically) and the girl apologized and said she wouldn’t do it again, so hopefully that fixes it for now anyway. I’m glad DD went after her because ignoring it wasn’t working.

[dglvrk2]

waverly, Good for your DD! Hopefully the weekend can settle some feelings and next week is a fresh and better start.

[campermom]

Little DD shifted from a 504 to an IEP. His 504, BIP and counseling were enough but he needed speech artic and you can’t have two different plans. The team was wonderful. Testing was solid, so was eligibility. We create the IEP next.

[waverly]

Updated update: They switched seats yesterday so that is a huge relief. Apparently there is a big group chat for the whole class which no one is really texting in. S verbally told everyone not to add DD.

DD gets added so S spends her time kicking out the original pot stirrer a bunch of times (E), probably mad at her for exposing the fact that she was talking about people behind their backs. I honestly don't get the behavior.

DD is happy to be part of group texts even though they are drama for the novelty and FOMO.  She doesn't delete texts, and I am reviewing them with her so she understands how to behave.  I think she has already decided to just "watch" and not participate.