My turn to plan leaving

[sent]

PDQ

TL;DR - I am taking the steps for a divorce. I had a free 30 min zoom consult with a lawyer. I have another consult set up for Monday. It's in person so not sure if this one is free or paid, I'm ok with either. I've been speaking to some local moms who have already been down this road for some advice and will be contacting some more lawyers for consults to pick one and come up with a plan. I'd appreciate any practical advice or anecdotes you all may have to add on my situation.

I'm looking to divorce a narcissist who regularly disrespects me and my family. I've wanted to be out of this marriage for over 10 years.  I've thought many times how maybe I could just manage to live with this person as a roommate/co-parents because money, cultural & religious guilt, "children from 2 parent homes turn out better" studies, etc. But living with this person is negatively affecting my health at this point. I'm now certain that my body shut down and caused my disability 8 years ago because of all the havoc he was causing back then (drunk driving like it was totally ok to do so). My gestational diabetes from DS (he's almost 6) turned into full blown diabetes sometime during COVID. Now my cholesterol is entering bad numbers territory. It's hard to concentrate on making lifestyle changes to lower my blood sugar and cholesterol when I'm forced to co-parent with someone who doesn't make it easy, gaslights like it's his job, and is hell bent on calling me lazy all the time. 

So far the consult pointed out that I have more assets than him (my business + the business real estate, and some other stuff) and they are all considered joint because they came about during the marriage. He has 0 savings, I have 6 figures. We are both on the mortgage. He makes about 1.5x to 2x more income than me as reported on our tax returns which may mean he will owe me alimony. She said things can be negotiated like I don't accept alimony if he doesn't accept his claim to my assets or something along those lines. Our finances are 100% separate but I did have online access to one of his CCs so I downloaded all the statements. Let's assume our retirements are roughly equal. We have the same financial advisor who can see both of our retirement balances but we can't see each other's balance. We file our taxes jointly so I have all of those records. 

But that's all just money. I'm more concerned about the parenting arrangement. She said the state pushes for a 50/50 custody. The brief discussions I've had with the local moms say yes, this is true. I don't know that he will be such a great co-parent. He refuses to acknowledge the invisible mental workload I carry for both kids and I don't see how this will change after splitting up. He spends his weekends watching non stop sports. He almost never takes the kids out to do anything (go to Target, go kick a soccer ball, go to the playground) besides taking them to scheduled stuff like soccer practice or swim lessons.  His unwavering reaction when DD makes a careless error on math practice worksheets is "are you stupid?" There have been many crappy incidents over the years because he is really good at gaslighting me with words and I would start arguing back. Cops have been called to our homes at least 4 times that I can remember. Each time the conclusion was "yelling doesn't break any laws." Now I'm learning that because I never filed a restraining order, I don't really have anything legal to show that he's a bad parent. He has a problem with excessive alcohol consumption, but has never actually been charged with drunk driving or anything that could be tied to the drinking. The only thing he values is his job and the only thing he fears is getting laid off/fired. He gives 100% to his job and follows everything they ask of him. He will never show up to work drunk or yell at anyone at work. I've heard him during his wfh meetings; so much patience with inexperienced coworkers making mistakes in contrast to when DD makes a mistake or I do something my way. His job now requires him to go to the city 4 days a week (up to 90 min commute each way) so I don't know how that could even work out in a 50/50 arrangement. Our evening care is my parents who will not be his evening care if we are separated and rightly so. If a kid is sick, I always stay home; how does that work if it's "his" day?

(more below)

[sent]

Also PDQ. Lastly, here are some of the highlights from 2023 that has me thinking "WTH sent. Who signs up for marriage when it means the other partner thinks it's ok to behave like this in 2023?" It sounds like these kinds of incidents mean zero when it comes to a custody arrangement. 

1) I was flying out on a Thursday morning for the one and only annual out-of-town CE trip I take alone. I confirmed with him in person on Wednesday night that he would be picking the kids up from my parent's house at 8 pm and bringing them back to our house since they had school on Friday. He confirmed to my face that yes, he would come home from the city after work and go over there to get them as he's done many times before when I get home late or am tired. Instead what he did was go boozing after work, texted me some noncommittal updates about how he wasn't going to make it by 8 pm, and did not get home until midnight. He rolled out of bed the next morning and into his WFH chair and logged right into to work at 8 am. No worry whatsoever and no messages asking what happened to the 2 kids that he was supposed to pick up on Thursday night or how they were getting to school. I was texting my parents from 3 time zones away arranging for the kids to stay at their house overnight and how to make lunches + drive them to school because he just didn't care. 

2) Christmas Day we go to his cousin's annual party. It's a 2 hour drive home. He gets stupid drunk, passes out on their couch. I could hear the panic in the cousin's voice when I said "leave him there" and he was acting like he might vomit. The cousin and her husband shove him into our passenger seat. This is not the first time that his friends and his family have shoved his drunk self into the passenger seat. I now think they all worry about the liability of being linked to him if something bad does happen after leaving their parties drunk. The one time that I was not there, they put him in an ambulance and sent him to the hospital. This time, about an hour into the drive home, he vomits all over himself. Now I still have to drive another hour with the windows down. This is the first time the kids are seeing him vomit after heavy drinking. They're a little shocked and confused by this. He has always been unwilling to control his alcohol consumption when he knows that me/my parents/his mother are around to pick up the slack. The next day, he wakes up by 8 am and is acting totally normal, fully admits zero remorse and no embarrassment for his behavior the night before. 

[cville]

FINALLY.

Here for it.

Kick ass, take names.

Good luck, I know getting to this point was excruciating.

[jinkies]

I know from your posts that this has been a long time coming, and I am really proud of you.

No specific advice, but you are 100% doing the best thing for yourself and your kids.

Re: the parenting arrangement, it certainly sounds like, even if he requests 50% on paper bc he's pressured by a judge and/or it is more financially convenient for him, all evidence certainly points to him not following through on actually taking 50% responsibility. Case in point: abandoning the kids at your parents on a school night without checking what happened to them. You will have to document everything but it doesn't sound like he will keep 50% for long, even if he initially requests it.

[deadwing]

You are making the best decision for you and your kids. I am divorced, but it was a much simpler situation. I don't think I can offer any meaningful advice,just support.

[dontlook]

I don’t post often but I’m rooting for you so hard! I don’t have anything helpful to add- just want to let you know you are doing the right thing. Your H sounds beyond horrible.

[sparkythelawyer]

Oh thank goodness.

The road in front of you is going to be SO DAMNED HARD, I'm not here to sugarcoat it. But you'll still be happier

[plutosmoon]

Good for you!

Many states push for 50/50, but do you think he will actually want 50/50? If not, the judge will not force it. My divorce agreement specifically states no overnights for exh and any visitation at my discretion. My divorce was a mediated agreement the judge rubber stamped it with barely a word.

You are taking the right steps with the lawyer.

[tealblue]

Congrats on getting a plan together!

Second hand advice from my family member who divorced a narcissistic alcoholic (also no arrests/ documented alcohol issues… he drank at home). She put a clause in the parenting agreement that the spouse had to send a photo/video of a breathalyzer test before picking up and after dropping off the kids. He chose not to see his kids for months but has finally gotten himself sober and sees the kids one night and every other weekend.

So just wanted to throw that as an option, protect yourself and your kids as much as possible.

Not sure how old your kids are but giving them access to a phone or iPad for texting you may be necessary.

Good luck!

[penguingrrl]

I’m so glad to hear you’re finally getting out!

Yes, NJ pushes very hard for 50/50 custody and unfortunately nothing you mentioned will alter that. However, that assumes he’ll fight for that. If he refuses 50/50, which it sounds like he might, that can play into your custody agreement, and will affect child support (which you cannot legally refuse in NJ; the primary custodial parent will always receive child support).

Get several consults before choosing your lawyer. You want to make sure you feel adequately represented in this. Don’t settle for one who seems “good enough.”

Best of luck!

[7costanza]

I am confident your and your kids lives will be 100x better once you’re no longer married to this man, regardless of the custody and money situation. Sending you so many good thoughts for a smooth process and/or strength to get through it all. I know you will come out on top on the other side!

[gretchenindisguise]

I am so proud of you and echo cville's post.

You will feel so much relief once you are not babysitting this manchild anymore.

Your kids will be better off.

Even if state pushes for 50/50 it does't sound like your stbx will rise to the occassion. Where you start if it's 50/50 may not be what happens in practice or in a year when you have piles of evidence you can use to file for a modification.

This will be hard. This is good for your and your children.

[wildrice]

Feb 2, 2024 13:11:19 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Oh thank goodness.

The road in front of you is going to be SO DAMNED HARD, I'm not here to sugarcoat it. But you'll still be happier

Yes! And just remember, you're already doing life hard by being with him. Divorce will be a new kind of hard, but it won't be forever. And it comes with hope that your life will improve. I don't see any hope if things continue as they are.

I am so, so proud of you for making this step. I have hoped for this for you for YEARS. As much as he has tried to convince you otherwise, YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[sent]

Feb 2, 2024 13:14:20 GMT -5 tealblue said:

Not sure how old your kids are but giving them access to a phone or iPad for texting you may be necessary.

They are 10 and almost 6. I think part of why I finally got here is because 1) they can now do a lot of things for themselves 2) I finally just gave DD an iPad for some limited stuff, texting us is one of those things. 

[meanie]

I have a close friend who is married to someone who sounds so similar to your H and we all can't wait for her to leave him. Good riddance!

And yes, living with all this stress is probably a huge factor in your health struggles. Increased cortisol levels from years of being in "fight or flight" mode would be hard on your body and mind.

[gummy]

You go girl. Now is your time!

[cmeon]

Listen, you don't need studies- you and your kids will absolutely, no doubts, certainly be better with less of that guy in your life.

I am so sorry for the tough days coming at you, be kind to yourself and know that kids see parents for who they are eventually. What a worthless lump you've been shackled to- I cant wait to know you're free!

[definitelyO]

as he is a narcissist - I would 100% think that he will fight for 50/50 - he will not want to have anyone know that he doesn't want his kids. regardless of his lack of actually wanting to engage with them. it's all about how everyone else sees him

I'm sorry - and hold strong!

[gummybear]

Really proud of you ❤️
You are demonstrating to your kids what is unacceptable in a relationship. I really, really believe that a functioning SP household is worlds better than a dysfunctional 2 parent household. Good luck ❤️❤️

[jwright]

I’ve been following your post for years and am so happy to hear you are taking these steps. Good luck - you will be better off and thrive in your new normal.

[hermione]

I am sorry you are going through this. What do you think is reasonable if 50/50 custody is not? Please note: I am not saying it is, only that you should have an idea of what YOU think is reasonable.

Document everything you can remember. Every time he called your daughter stupid. Every time he didn't pick them up. Just because the state prefers 50/50 custody doesn't mean it's in the best interest of the children. I'd hire a pitbull of an attorney if were you.

[sent]

On the question of what I think he will want - I don't quite know. I think he will want 50/50 just because. I don't know where he will want to live - live local to have the kids more or move back to the city and decrease time with the kids. I also don't know if he will screw up when they are in his charge - he will not drink or abandon them if he thinks misbehaving means chances are high that he will get in trouble with the law and/or create a record that could be linked to a background check at work.

[TR]

He may want 50/50 in theory and for appearances sake, but I'd be shocked if he stuck to it in practice based on how you've described him.

[sofamonkey]

So proud of you!!! You can do this!

I know it’s so hard, but you are such an incredibly smart and tough person, and I know you can dig deep and do this. You’ve been digging deep for years, but now it’s to make things better for you and your kids. Good luck and we’re here for you! ❤️

[penguingrrl]

Also, make sure you arrange for child support to go through a probate account. It’s an option for all couples and creates a paper trail that can avoid headaches later. It will prove that he made his payments, and protect both of you against any future accusations (which can go both ways).

[Jalapeñomel]

Good luck!!

[blondemoment123]

I remember reading your posts and relating to so many of your experiences. I'm here to chat and giving virtual hugs.

[followyourarrow]

Just sending you positive thoughts. I know this has been a long road for you. You've got this.

[redheadk]

I’ve got no advice or experience in this but I am cheering you on. You deserve so much better. You love your kids so much and want the absolute best for them. Trust in yourself! They are lucky to have you on their side.

[fryjack2]

So proud of you an happy that you are taking this step.

As your children get older, they may want to limit contact with their dad if he continues to be the kind of parent and person he is now. And that’s ok. Just make sure you know what the court outlines for custody and whether or not you have to make the kids go to his home.

I would 💯 make sure that there is a drinking clause in the agreements and agreements around getting the kids where they need to be or else there are consequences.

If you don’t need alimony, and can use it to prevent him from getting any of your savings, it may be one less headache. But make sure college and kid expenses are clearly outlined.

Good luck!