Deciding on whether to SAHM or work part time

[kittenponypony]

Hi all! Haven’t been here in quite a while, now I am trying to decide what to regarding childcare/working/staying at home. We have a three month old baby and I am really not feeling great about putting him in full time daycare until his needs are lower. Daycare here is 1:4 adults to babies for the infant rooms - when I toured multiple (highly rated) daycares around here there were so many crying babies on the floor because there just weren’t enough adults to help every baby out at once. I’m currently exclusively breastfeeding and pumping and they don’t allow frozen milk. And I’m sort of dreading being plunged into the high level of infectious diseases involved with daycare.

Anyway, I currently work full time as does my husband (but his salary will go up in a year and a half from now when he finishes residency, although we’ll also have to start paying down a huge amount of med school bills)

Here are my options:
A. Nanny share - $2600 a month - working full time

B. Daycare (part time, same cost as full time daycare)- $1800 a month - working 20 hours a week)

C. Staying at home - $0 a month but would be pulling money from savings. My husband carries all of our benefits

So from a financial perspective, working full time and doing full time daycare would be the best option on paper, but ever since the baby was born I have been very reluctant to send him to full time daycare especially when he’s so little. The nanny share would also be difficult in that I would be apart from him for 8.5 hours a day and still involves dropping him off and picking him up, but at least it’s in a more natural setting with a 1:2 caregiver. I feel like this would be somewhat mitigated by only doing half day daycare, but if money were no object I would prefer to SAHP for this stage of our lives. My husband is in residency so his schedule is changing all the time, he works 55-80 hour weeks, and I can’t rely on him at all for any pickup/drop off.

My career is such that I don’t think it would be hard to re-enter the workforce PRN/part time, although I know there is a cost associated with not having access to a 401k, an employment gap, etc. And I’m maxed out now at the upper range of what people in my field make (real wage stagnation short of going into management or opening a private practice.) I’ve been at my current job many years so I have seniority and holidays off/more PTO than I would if I started anew. I also would have the option to pick up more hours at work as my husband’s schedule allows.

I feel like I will not regret spending more time with our child, regardless of the financial aspect, but also financial stress is not fun either and I’m naturally sort of a risk averse person.

thanks in advance!

[mrsGreeko]

I was just thinking about this the other day. My children are now 17, 14, and 12. When they were young I wanted to go part time or quit or something. Ultimately I stayed in the workforce. Looking back I’m glad I stayed in the workforce. Because now my kids don’t need me nearly as much and I have years of savings and wage growth and life is so darn comfortable financially. And it was fairly comfortable financially when they were young too, just tighter. It would have been uncomfortably tight if I wasn’t working. I will say though that my employer at the time offered up to 6 months off unpaid and I took advantage of that. They were shocked because most people didn’t. So if you employer offers something like that look into it, that might be a good thing for you.

Also, IMO your math is incorrect, you are only taking childcare from your salary, but this child is both of your’s and really the childcare is coming from the family budget, daycare allows you BOTH to work, not just you.

ETA: I put my kids in a home daycare and we did not deal with daycare germs like my friends whose kids were in centers did. Plus the daycare could only have 2 infants and 4 older kids. And she rarely left us in the lurch which I know can be an issue with a home daycare. She closed one day because her DD was in a car accident, but that was the only time in the 10 years we were there. And my kids got to be together during the day which I liked.

[rhian]

I have never wanted to SAH so I can't speak to weighing that vs. struggling financially a bit to make it happen, but was also going to suggest seeing if you can take a little bit longer unpaid without quitting your job before starting childcare. My son started daycare at 6 months, and I felt way more confident transitioning him to childcare then than I would have at 3-4 months, both in terms of his needs and exposure to sickness, and in my readiness to go back to work. If nothing else, it would buy you a little more time to make the longer term decision.

Something else to consider - what is the age range of the infant rooms at the daycares you're looking at? Ours is 0-18m, which is a larger range than many places (also 4:1 ratio, though for most of the day, they exceed that with 3 teachers for 8 kids), but we really liked it, especially when you have a little one. It was nice that there are some older babies/young toddlers who are less "needy," so I felt like the little ones could be tended to more quickly, because the older ones were more settled and didn't cry as much. We also felt like there were other benefits when our son was one of the oldest in the room, learning to be gentle with the babies and realizing that his needs were not always the most urgent. You might look to see if there are centers that have a larger age range to see if that feels like a better fit.

Our daycare also didn't take frozen milk - I wouldn't let that stress you out or be a significant factor in your decision. You'll get into a rhythm of sending in the milk needed based on what works for you. I would either send what I had pumped the day before or defrost the frozen milk overnight.

[noodleoo]

I'm a little surprised at the 1:4 ratio for infants. In my state the ratio is 1:3 or 2:4-7. Our daycare had 2 teachers in the infant room and the class size was usually around 6 babies, but it seemed ok since there were 2 teachers.

This is a hugely personal decision, but I'll share my experience in case it helps you think it through. I quit my full time job to SAH when I had my first. I had an hour commute and H had an inflexible job and we were both out of the house for 10 hrs a day.  I didn't want my baby in daycare for that long. We probably could have made it work, but I also hated my job so I decided to try SAH. We could live on H's salary alone, but it was tight and we weren't saving anything. But we had enough saved up that it would be ok for 1-2 years. I was surprised, SAH was much harder than I anticipated. It was very lonely and isolating and SO MUCH WORK. Babies are exhausting. I did playgroups and tried to make SAH friends, but I live in HCOL and most moms went back to work around 4-6 months. It also set up a dynamic where we split household work down gender lines, which we didn't do before we had kids, we were much more equal. But since I wasn't working, I picked up all the household management work and unfortunately I think that set a precedent that still sticks today. I carry so much more of the mental load. So I kind of regret that. Anyway, SAH full time just wasn't for me.

I went back to work part time (3 days/week) when DD1 was 1 year old. That has been great and has worked really well for our family. I work 3 days and kids go to a small independent daycare center (not a big chain). When I had DD2, I took a 3 month leave (unpaid since I was part time), then H took a month and she started daycare at 4 months old. That worked out really well, I feel like the extra month made a difference (she seemed a lot more fragile at 3 months vs. 4). The daycare germs are no joke tho. The first year after they start daycare is hard regardless of how old they are. The downside for me is that I took a huge step down in my career to go part time and my career will probably never recover. That's probably less of a concern for you in healthcare where I feel like working part time is more common than corporate America.

My kids are now 8 and 5 and DD2 will be starting K in the fall. I'm trying to figure out what I will do. I'm really going to miss my home days with DD2 but I'm also excited about having some free time for myself. I'm debating whether to consider going back to work full time, but honestly part time work has been amazing for our quality of life for the family, I'm not sure it is worth giving it up. The days I'm home I do all our grocery shopping, laundry, dr appts, etc. I am able to walk to pick DD1 up at school and do HW and hang out 2 afternoons a week (she does aftercare on my work days). Because I do all the "household work" on weekdays, our weekends are relaxing and more social. The only thing I worry about is when they get older, that I'll be bored and not have anything for myself (since I really don't right now!). But the best part about working part time is that I think re-entering the work force is much easier if I choose to.  More money would be great, we are definitely limited compared to our friends who have 2 full incomes.  But there is more to life than money.  I don't get benefits through my job (they are all through H) but I do have access to a 401K so I have been able to save for retirement which is also important.

Let me know if you have any questions, happy to answer here or by PM.

[minzy]

With your husband’s salary trajectory you are going to have options that many others will not or have not had. So I think then it really comes down to what you want to do outside of the money. And how you and your husband work as a team.

I always say I fell backward into being a SAHP. I derived a lot of my identity from my professional job, and was making decent money, but then I had to resign because we moved. So I did the mom thing for what wound up being a decade while my husband’s career took off. We always lived way below our means. He never once made me feel in any way less than because I wasn’t bringing in money; it is all just ours. He is also an incredibly hands-on, fully involved dad, and is better than me at housekeeping and administrative stuff, too. (I swear, I contribute! 😝) I did not have to work for money so wound up doing a ton of volunteer work. However, because I did a good job the first time, I was asked to return to my very same office, and now I work because I (usually 🤪) want to. In some ways it’s like I never left! The money I bring in honestly has very little to do with it. I truly have had the best of both worlds. I have been there(/am there! with flexible work options) for the kids, and now I get to feel a sense of professional fulfillment again, too (although my sense of self is not nearly as connected to my job as it used to be!). I also have the perspective of losing my mother before I was an adult, so I have no regrets about the days I spent with my kids.

Good luck making your decision. Most likely, you guys will be just fine any way you reason it, and what you decide today does not need to be forever, but just for now.

[mae0111]

I have done all 3 - worked FT when my kids were little (I was the breadwinner), then stayed home when both in elementary school, then worked PT since 2021 when they were 11 and 8. Now they're 14 and almost 11, and I'm considering taking a step back again. DH shifted in his career when I resigned my FT job, and now he makes way more than we made combined when I was working FT. So I'm working for my retirement - almost everything I make goes into my Solo 401K.

We had a nanny when I worked FT - we couldn't not have made things work without her. DH traveled every week and I worked an hour from home, so daycare would have been really difficult as there were no options near my work.

Everyone's experience is different, but it worked out really well for me to be more available when they entered school. Both of my kids are neurodivergent, and DD1's teachers never figured it out despite some really classic symptoms. If I'd been working at my FT job, where there was absolutely no work/life balance, I never would have figured out what was happening with her. Now that they're older, they're really not that much more independent and they need a lot of handholding and supervision for daily tasks - getting ready for school, homework, getting ready for activities. And they are so busy - so many activities, social things, etc. DH just isn't available to split that work with me during the week, and it's difficult to try to work while no one can be trusted to do what they need to do.

[atarianna]

Childcare aside, how do you feel about you SAH versus working? This is super personal to each person, and sometimes figuring out how you feel changes over time.

I’ve done all three of your options.

I worked FT with a spouse traveling 100% of the time. My mom stayed with my first for four months and at that point we were okay transitioning to a daycare setting for her. We saved like mad so I could SAH after our second was born.

I happily stayed home with both after my second was born but fell into a depression/anxiety loop fairly quickly that I couldn’t understand. With therapy and a lot of inner work, I figured out how closely my own self worth was tied to my professional life/success and quickly realized that working PT was the perfect blend for me to be present with my family and also get what I needed professionally to feel worth a shit.

My income offset childcare, but not by a ton, but my mental health was so much better and I felt like I had my own money and could do things for myself without feeling like a complete money suck on our family.

I think perhaps discussing a PT transitional period with your work would be a great option. See how it goes and how you feel about it. If you love it, continue with it (because PT professional work is a unicorn job that isn’t always available but incredible for moms with young kids!!). If you don’t love it, or feel like it’s not feasible financially you can cross that bridge later but at least you will know.

[kittenponypony]

Feb 29, 2024 15:08:41 GMT -5 atarianna said:

Childcare aside, how do you feel about you SAH versus working? This is super personal to each person, and sometimes figuring out how you feel changes over time.

.

If you would have asked me before having a child I would have said I wanted to keep working but now that I’ve been off for three months I’m like wow this is great. It kind of also feels like there are no real positives to working right now outside of financial (for me personally). It’s just more responsibilities, with less time to do them in because of work. I’m also still waking up 3+ times at night feeding the baby and feel totally braindead at work which makes it even less fun. Because of my husband’s job, long unpredictable hours, I feel like most things fall on me (not that he doesn’t do tasks when he’s around he’s just so often not around. Which should improve after residency but that’s just how our lives are right now.)

I have to remind myself too that the child my three month is now is not the same as the child I’ll have in a year, or 5 years, and his needs really are the highest right now/he’s the least independent and most fragile he’ll ever be. Working with a four year old, or 10 year old, seems much more doable than the next year or few years.

I’m planning on asking my boss tomorrow about dropping to part time, feeling nervous about it but either way it will help guide me. The deadline to sign up for the part time daycare is Monday so I need to make a decision stat.

To the previous poster, I know the childcare is from our combined salary, just makes the math easier in my head to try to figure out working/not working options by using mine. My husband would need a full time family member or extremely flexible nanny to make any sort of childcare work with his job for sure.

I think I just read these horror stories of SAHMs and divorce or death or health issues or whatever scenario where people can end up in really bad financial situations. I wouldn’t even consider it for a relationship I didn’t feel 1000% certain in but I have some risk aversion and inherited financial trauma from my parents’ decision making.

[rhian]

Feb 29, 2024 11:52:13 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

I'm a little surprised at the 1:4 ratio for infants. In my state the ratio is 1:3 or 2:4-7. 

Not really the point, but I'm pretty sure 1:4 is a common ratio requirement for infants? I live in a state with pretty strict requirements in general and it's 1:4 for infants, and actually stays at 1:4 until age 3 (which is nice in terms of care but means that prices don't drop from infant level prices until age 3!). Anyway, just didn't want OP to think there a 1:4 ratio is necessarily problematic or a reason to avoid a center by itself. But may be worth looking for places that exceed that requirement if a smaller ratio is a better fit for your family.

[kittenponypony]

Feb 29, 2024 16:28:52 GMT -5 rhian said:

Feb 29, 2024 11:52:13 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

I'm a little surprised at the 1:4 ratio for infants. In my state the ratio is 1:3 or 2:4-7. 

Not really the point, but I'm pretty sure 1:4 is a common ratio requirement for infants? I live in a state with pretty strict requirements in general and it's 1:4 for infants, and actually stays at 1:4 until age 3 (which is nice in terms of care but means that prices don't drop from infant level prices until age 3!). Anyway, just didn't want OP to think there a 1:4 ratio is necessarily problematic or a reason to avoid a center by itself. But may be worth looking for places that exceed that requirement if a smaller ratio is a better fit for your family.

Yeah I’m in Illinois which is a very liberal, high regulatory state. I toured multiple daycares and they all had this ratio. I thought only like Massachusetts and California had a lower ratio?

[rhian]

Feb 29, 2024 16:19:50 GMT -5 kittenponypony said:

Feb 29, 2024 15:08:41 GMT -5 atarianna said:

Childcare aside, how do you feel about you SAH versus working? This is super personal to each person, and sometimes figuring out how you feel changes over time.

.

I have to remind myself too that the child my three month is now is not the same as the child I’ll have in a year, or 5 years, and his needs really are the highest right now/he’s the least independent and most fragile he’ll ever be. Working with a four year old, or 10 year old, seems much more doable than the next year or few years.

For me, the child I had at even 6 months felt different than 3 months (and the mother I was at those two stages). I was also so sleep deprived and nursing so often at 3 months that the idea of being functional in a work environment felt so hard - and that is coming from someone who knew I wanted to go back to work after having a baby. Parental leave in this country is the worst!

It sounds like you already have a plan to ask about part time, but you might want to consider the option to take more time off unpaid if that's a possibility. If you go to part time, can you easily bump back up to full time if your feelings/situation changes later? You may feel differently about returning to work in even just a few months, so I'd be hesitant to do anything now that would make it harder to be full time later.

[jewel]

It's really such a personal decision, for so many reasons.

Before I had kids, I had always intended to be a full time working parent. When my first was born, I took a pretty generous maternity leave and went back to work when he was 4-5 months old. He went to a great in-home day care, with no other small babies, so he got a good amount of attention. He did fine.

I did not do fine. He was a very difficult baby and I struggled, everywhere. I had untreated PPA, but the baby was also awake for a good portion of the night so I got almost zero sleep. And then I went to work all day, to a pretty demanding job. I felt like an awful employee and not a great mom. I just felt like everyone had a tiny portion of me and I wasn't succeeding at anything. After working for a couple months, I ended up quitting to SAH.

The money was tight at the time, but I felt like a whole new person. I had always planned to go back to work once he was a more manageable toddler, but then we had another baby, then covid, and now my kids are both in elementary school all day and I'm living my very best life as a retired person. My husband's salary has gone up a good amount since the time I quit working, and we've been able to become a lot more comfortable.

Regarding costs, there are positives and negatives to both working and SAH. If you are home, consider increased utility costs and costs of entertaining yourself and the baby. I did as much free stuff as I could, but we also paid for a few parent/baby classes, museum memberships, etc. To counter that, I was able to reduce my car insurance quite a bit because I was no longer commuting. I was also able to stop a lot of convenience costs - house cleaning, take out food, etc. For me, the cost of working with young kids wasn't just day care, but also paying someone else to do various things that I just didn't have time or energy for.

[klee23]

I'm not viewing this as a financial question but more of a value based one. With the change in your husband's salary you will easily "make up" taking time off of work.

Do you enjoy work? Would you miss it / your coworkers / patient care?

You are only 3 months in but do you see yourself enjoying being a SAHM? Are there additional children in the future that may reset the SAH clock?

Also, I remained FT at work but now that my oldest is elementary age I think there would be more benefit to me *now* that he is becoming involved in sports and clubs and have things regularly scheduled. With residency I know you are the default parent now- when your spouse is a fellow/attending is his specialty going to allow more balance or will be doing 12-24 hour shifts (ER, ICU, hospital based or more like family practice/specialist)?

If you are allied health, could you transition to PRN work now? Locally there is a premium to that that would net more pay per hour if you choose to decrease your hours but net more money (again, forgoing 401k). Or controlling what shifts you pick up based on your husband's call schedule?

Eta- if you can't send frozen milk what do they expect? I had a freezer stash built up, would throw the expected #bags/bottles in the fridge to thaw overnight and it was liquid enough by morning for daycare to use- is that a potential option?

[kittenponypony]

Feb 29, 2024 16:37:17 GMT -5 rhian said:

It sounds like you already have a plan to ask about part time, but you might want to consider the option to take more time off unpaid if that's a possibility. If you go to part time, can you easily bump back up to full time if your feelings/situation changes later? You may feel differently about returning to work in even just a few months, so I'd be hesitant to do anything now that would make it harder to be full time later.

The problem is that daycare waitlists around here are very long and competitive. I got on waitlists starting in July 2023 and just now got accepted off two of them in the past few weeks. So if I pass this up now there is no telling when we’d be able to get off a list again.

I also don’t think my work would go for it but I don’t want to ask not having some kind of childcare plan in place.

[scm1011]

Feb 29, 2024 8:18:12 GMT -5 kittenponypony said:

 The nanny share would also be difficult in that I would be apart from him for 8.5 hours a day and still involves dropping him off and picking him up, but at least it’s in a more natural setting with a 1:2 caregiver. 

I suggest you never say this out loud to others who have sent their children to daycare.

[noodleoo]

Feb 29, 2024 16:36:25 GMT -5 kittenponypony said:

Feb 29, 2024 16:28:52 GMT -5 rhian said:

Not really the point, but I'm pretty sure 1:4 is a common ratio requirement for infants? I live in a state with pretty strict requirements in general and it's 1:4 for infants, and actually stays at 1:4 until age 3 (which is nice in terms of care but means that prices don't drop from infant level prices until age 3!). Anyway, just didn't want OP to think there a 1:4 ratio is necessarily problematic or a reason to avoid a center by itself. But may be worth looking for places that exceed that requirement if a smaller ratio is a better fit for your family.

Yeah I’m in Illinois which is a very liberal, high regulatory state. I toured multiple daycares and they all had this ratio. I thought only like Massachusetts and California had a lower ratio?

I’m in Ma so I guess that makes sense! And honestly, daycare seems scary and impersonal when you first start but my kids thrived there. The teachers in the baby room loved my kids and when she moved up to the toddler room, she had all these little friends and the social development was adorable. Daycare gets a bad rap but it has been a very good experience for my kids.

[wanderingback]

I think whether to be a stay at home mom vs a outside the working house parent is so personal and can not come down to finances. I would never be a stay at home parent, so that was never a consideration for me. However, I did ask about nanny vs daycare and made a follow up post about it on MM Moms.

We had a little bit of the best of both worlds in that our daughter was with a part time nanny from 5 months when I went back to work until 11 months and we loved loved loved our nanny. She was absolutely wonderful, engaging and taught our daughter a lot. My partner took care of our daughter the other half of the time and I think it made their bond so strong. At 11 months we put her in daycare and I LOVE it and am so glad she's in daycare vs a nanny. The engaging activities, socializing, etc for me are great that she wouldn't have the same experience with a nanny or nanny share. We did the part time nanny for the 6 months because we thought we might go with a full time nanny afterwards, but thought through everything and I think this has worked out the best for us and our daughter. I don't think she would have the same enriching experience with a nanny.

I'm not sure what you mean about not allowing frozen milk because why would you need to give them frozen milk. My daughter is still breastfed (15 months) and we just send the milk in a bottle or cup portioned out. No need to send anything frozen. Pumping is annoying, but it is what it is and I wouldn't let that personally be the only reason to be a stay at home mom.

Babies will certainly cry That doesn't mean they're neglected. But yes if you really don't want to put your child in daycare that is totally understandable but they won't be neglected in daycare. As far as illness goes, it does suck, but it's going to happen now or later. We had 2 rough months when she first started (no fevers or missing daycare), where we were all coughing and had runny noses for that time period, but now it's fine. FWIW I'm in a small mom's group in my neighborhood and there is 1 baby who stays at home with his mom and he's been sick more than our daughter has (I think he's been on antibiotics a couple of times and has had covid once). So unless you plan to keep your child totally in a bubble their immune system is going to have some work to do and they'll get sick.

So anyway, I say all that not to sway you 1 way or another, but I do think overall with childcare I personally felt it comes down to expense, schedule, the environment you're looking for and I wouldn't let frozen breast milk, a few crying babies and the possibility of illness sway you hard away from daycare.

Good luck with your decision! Figuring out childcare when I went back to work got a bit stressful at first as we didn't really have a plan ahead of time but it all worked out well. (We also considered a nanny share and started talking to 1 family about it, but 2 friends had nanny shares not work out, so I didn't feel like dealing with that).

[mommin]

I don’t know what you should do since this is so family-specific but I can give you my personal experience. When DS1 was born we were in the same boat and it was a rough decision. I ultimately decided to continue working until DH finished his MBA and the associated raise.
I worked until DS1 was 13 months and I don’t regret it at all. I was able to spend a lot of time with him because I did my best to reduce other activities that took me away from the family. At 13 month he was just starting to go down to one nap a day so I felt better knowing he was usually sleeping 4+ hours a day during the 10 months he was in daycare. Also, I still know to this day that he doesn’t remember any of the time we were apart. I would MUCH rather he be in daycare as a baby and with me as he got older. There are so many things they learn as a kid and I wanted to be able to share those with him as he got older.
This definitely isn’t the right decision for everyone but it was best for our family and I don’t regret it for a second.

[midwestmama]

As others have said, it's a very personal decision. You have to weigh what is most important to you and what is financially feasible.

I work FT and have since my kids were babies (I took the standard maternity leave and then returned to work). We have a good friend who has an in-home daycare, and she had an open spot when I had my oldest, and then made sure there was an open spot when I had my 2nd. She charged a lot less than a daycare center, so financially it worked well for us. My kids were still sick frequently, but

I work in corporate as an exempt (salaried) employee, so it's hard to get a part-time role, and even if you do, you generally work more than your scheduled hours. (I would say it's true for FT as well.) If I had a job where I could have worked PRN/shift-based part-time, I probably would have done that.

My kids are currently in middle school, and to be honest, I would rather go part-time or SAH now as opposed to when they were little. (This again may be specific to my situation, since I feel that the care they received from my friend was a lot different/better than a daycare center.) I feel that more parent involvement would be better now as they are teenagers (and also just being available to drive them places instead of having to coordinate rides would be so much easier). I would quit to SAH in a hot second if we could afford it (but now we have built our budget based on our salaries, and it would be nearly impossible for me to quit unless we made major changes).

[brooke77]

I agree that this is less of a financial decision and more of a personal decision. I couldn’t afford to stay at home, but if that was an option for me, I would have for the first year. I went back at a reduced schedule 80% and made it work. In retrospect, I had some pretty severe separation anxiety and it sounds like you are struggling with those feelings too. I really sympathize. Do you think it would be worth talking to your doctor about these feelings?

We chose daycare because we couldn’t afford a nanny or a nanny-share. I had the same fears as you, but infant daycare ended up being wonderful for my son. The caregivers were so loving, interactive, patient, and kind. DS loved them and they loved him. I also loved the reliability of daycare. It was open year-round from 6-6, except a few major holidays. Most of my friends had nannies and they had some horror stories with reliability. Their kids also got sick much more often than DS because even with a nanny, your baby will be out and about - and exposed to germs.

Good luck with your decision. It is so hard!

[ssmjlm]

Your posts seems more emotionally focused than financially.

As the breadwinner and someone who didn't want to stay home, choosing the right daycare for us was invaluable. So that's what we focused on. We went with someplace close to home, so that we could share pick-up/drop-off and I could take her if I had a day off work, etc.

[heygrey]

American maternity leave really really sucks. I had a year off in Canada. I never planned to stay home full time, but I was absolutely not ready to return to work at 3 months. By 6 months I was considering it, and at 12 months I was ready to go.

In situations where I know I’m leading with my emotions that may or may not be rational, I try to make the decision that is easiest to reverse. In this case, choose a daycare and go back to work. In six weeks if everything is awful withdraw from daycare and resign from your job. You’ll know for certain it’s as bad as you thought it would be. You very well might find it’s not as bad as you anticipated, or another daycare spot opens that you like so much more. Or you find a different job that has less hours or more flexibility. It will be much harder to reverse course in a few months if you quit your job and decline all the open daycare spots.

[waverly]

I don’t know I kind of feel like if you want to SAH and have the money to do so then you would probably choose that. Unless you were planning to buy something with the 80k?

If I had to do it all over again I would do a nanny for DS because he started daycare at the height of the illness season. DD on the other hand was fine. But if I had unlimited funds I’d probably do a nanny at my house for a few years and then switch to daycare later on. We spent a lot of time sick. That being said I’m sure we all have great immune systems lol.

[kitty]

Is it an option to take the daycare spot, go back to work either PT or FT and just see how it goes? You can always resign in a month or two if it really isn’t working. All of my kids went to a daycare center at 4mo, initially 3 days per week for the first month and then FT. This transition was by FAR the hardest with the first. Have you considered trying to do PT with 3 days per week instead of 5 half days which is seems like you are contemplating? I know you are hesitant to be away from the baby all day but having 2 days per week where you don’t have to have everything packed and all the bottles washed and prepped and try to get out of the house on time without getting spit up on your work clothes will make life easier.

With the sickness/immune system stuff, I think it’s pay now or pay later. My kids did get sick a lot in daycare but then by the time they were preschool aged it was much better. They still had runny noses all winter but fewer fevers and actual things they had to stay home for. Once they were school aged, for the most part being sick enough to stay home from school became pretty rare. My sister sent my niece to a small in home daycare for most of her early years and she didn’t get sick a ton. This past fall she started in a public school PK4 program and she has gotten all.the.viruses, including both influenza A&B and RSV, and has missed a lot of school.

When I was staring down the barrel of ending maternity leave with my first I had a really strong instinctual desire not to leave her side but I didn’t necessarily think SAH was what I would want long term. There were a lot of tears when I left her but I’m in a STEM field that can be near impossible to re-enter after taking any significant time off which certainly affected my decisions. I read ‘The Feminine Mistake’ for a pep talk/reality check (and reread it with child #2 lol) because I did not want to end up in a place where if things went wrong with my marriage or DH got injured or died I wouldn’t be able to support myself and my children. I have chosen a “mommy track” job within my field so that I can work reasonable hours and have flexibility for sick kids/appointments/school events. But it has kept my foot firmly in the door and I’m continuing to learn new things and expand my skill set. I definitely couldn’t maintain our current lifestyle on my salary alone but I’m above the median income for my state and could support my family if we downsized/downshifted some things. I’m also “on track” with my individual retirement accounts. And those are things that are personally important to me.

[ellipses84]

I don’t think option B is really worth it financially but it gives you a great balance and you won’t have as many issues with daycare germs. Are there any other schedule / childcare options that make more sense? A lot of the mom nurses I know will work a couple long shifts, sometimes night shifts, every two weeks, get a babysitter for the hours they need it with their husband and family filling in the non-traditional time gaps. I realize this might not be possible with your DH’s job.

Can you extend your leave for a month or two or go part time for a few months and ramp back up to full time? Would there be any option to keep your seniority and return eventually?

Are there any part time, partly WFH jobs you could do to still be in the medical field even though it wouldn’t be what you are doing now?

If you become a SAHM what is the long term plan?

With your financial situation I think you can do whatever you want. Trust your gut! I would have SAH with my kids if I could have but I was the primary breadwinner and didn’t have the choice, although now 7-12 years out, I’m glad I kept working. I took 4 month maternity leaves which was way easier than 3 months and I wish it could have been 6-12 months. We did home daycare with one infant and a center with the other. I prefer larger home daycares for infants, but by the time they were age 2 I was happy to have them in a preschool classroom environment.

[lolalolalola]

I am Canadian so I had 12 months off with each of mine. I think american maternity leave is terrible and wish you had the same choices we have.

I went back to work FT after each of my 2 mat leaves, but decided to stay home for a while (4 years) when they were school aged. I went back to work PT for a couple years, and then FT.

My point is that nothing HAS to be permanent. Go back to work and if you hate it, then quit and stay home. Or, stay home and if you hate it, look for a job when baby is a little older.

[sdlaura]

I have four kids and have worked FT throughout, including work travel, and I’m so glad that I did/do. I think a lot of women who go part time end up trying to just get as much done in fewer hours, while not getting raises and promotions at the same rate as FT employees.

And if your husband gets used to you being home and always being the one to step in whenever a kid is sick or someone needs to be home for any reason, it is near impossible to recalibrate the relationship on equal footing if you ever do try to go back to work. At least that is what I’ve seen with all of my friends who have tried to do it.

Are there downsides to working FT? Sure. But I’ll take those downsides any day over being a SAHM or PT worker.

We’ve always used daycare - licensed in home daycares in the neighborhood until kids were 2 or 3 and then full time preschool/daycare. My kids did get sick in daycare but almost never do after age 3. They learned from the other babies even at young ages and I learned to the providers and built a community of working mom friends that way. I also think kids’ needs are actually lower as babies. They sleep a lot and you drop them off and pick them up from the same place and there’s nothing you have to manage during that time. Now that I have elementary schoolers and one entering middle school and they have a billion activities, they need me more and it’s even harder to get in full workdays vs when they were babies.

I love the author/podcaster Laura Vanderkam and recommend reading her book ‘I know how she does it.’

[kittenponypony]

I appreciate everyone’s input. I did not mean to offend about the daycare being less “natural” comment, just that yeah I do worry about his needs being met/developing a secure attachment style with spending the majority of his time with rotating caregivers. My friend sent her three month old to the (expensive, well rated) daycare associated with my husband’s hospital and he ended up with rugburn on his face from being left on the floor so much and influenza A during the first week. Versus the nanny share which is at our friends house, with a nanny they have vetted and has provided great care for their daughter so far.

I’ve decided to do part time at my work and daycare (just using it part time for now). I talked to my boss and she pretty much said I can always pick up more hours if I want to so it’s the most flexible, best compromise option for now I think. And I’m not locked in if it’s just really not working out for some reason.

ETA: the second daycare we got accepted off the waitlist for is significantly less expensive and has less staff turnover, although it’s open one fewer hour and not walkable from our house, but feels like the best choice for right now.

[heygrey]

It sounds like you have a great compromise to give yourself more time to decide what is truly best for your family.

I wouldn't put much focus on developing a secure attachment in a daycare environment. If each adult your child encounters is kind and promotes a safe environment, they will be fine. We chose a private in home daycare, but within 9 months the owners husband was diagnosed with cancer. She would pop in to see the kids since the daycare was at her house, but she hired several women to run the daycare while she was supporting her husband. DS had a different adult most days of the week. The structure, routine, and kindness were the same everyday, the adult in charge didn't matter as much.

Choosing a daycare and leaving your baby is scary, but millions and millions of children thrive in daycare.

[noodleoo]

Mar 3, 2024 16:51:16 GMT -5 kittenponypony said:

I appreciate everyone’s input. I did not mean to offend about the daycare being less “natural” comment, just that yeah I do worry about his needs being met/developing a secure attachment style with spending the majority of his time with rotating caregivers. My friend sent her three month old to the (expensive, well rated) daycare associated with my husband’s hospital and he ended up with rugburn on his face from being left on the floor so much and influenza A during the first week. Versus the nanny share which is at our friends house, with a nanny they have vetted and has provided great care for their daughter so far.

Yikes, you’re really digging yourself deeper into this hole here. I didn’t even notice the first comment, but this one is pretty bad. Ouch.