Deciding on whether to SAHM or work part time

[livinitup]

Just to add to the conversation about returning to employment with an exclusively breastfed baby - I did not use frozen breast milk at child care. Not ever. The baby and I were very successful with breastfeeding but I didn’t enjoy pumping while the baby was in the house. I didn’t quite get the hang of creating a freezer stash. I had enough for the first day, and then I pumped at work at the same time as the baby’s feeding schedule. Everything I pumped at work got dropped off for the baby who enjoyed it the next day. It was not complicated & I can explain it more, if needed, but all of this to say, you can bring breast milk successfully.

I really liked our child care provider (we used a center with a baby room) and that makes a big difference in decision making.

When new moms have your kind of employment opportunity to return, I most often recommend you give yourself a goal of being back for 6 months. So much seems like all or nothing now, and it really isn’t. You have a job that wants you back and that isn’t always easy in a few years. You have it now, so give it a go to really see if it’ll work for you. I think women are much too quick to “not be a bother” to anyone, especially employers. If you can’t envision doing it masterfully, you don’t want to flounder in front of anyone. You can and will be successful and if not, you’ll step away - no harm to them. In 6 months, if you don’t want to keep working, plan an exit. I always recommend quitting on a good day. Not out of fear or from not knowing. You will know if you want to stay or go - or maybe you will want to drop to part time.

On the note of part time, especially straight back from maternity leave, be wary that it’s REALLY part-time, not the same work for less pay in fewer hours/days. Protect your time away.

Babies are so interesting at so many different ages. You literally cannot make the wrong decision because anything you decide will be right for you. And if not, you’ll change it. Babies change, you change, it all works out.

[kitty]

The frozen milk thing is really meant as a back up plan, not an every day thing.

The idea was that I could have a couple of bags that stay in their freezer and a clean empty bottle that stays in their cabinet in case something goes terribly wrong. Like if they accidentally knock over a whole bottle while they are taking the travel disks out or the baby refuses one of the fresh bottles and they have to dump it because it has been out too long. In my state they have the same time limit for breastmilk and formula bottles. When I was deciding on a center, it was definitely a mark in the “con” column if they weren’t willing to store frozen milk. One of the places that wouldn’t required you to have formula there for a backup instead. I’m skeptical that my exclusively breastfed mspi infant would have taken a bottle of nutramigen having never had a chance to develop a taste for it.

In practice, the frozen milk was only used once (or maybe twice?) in all the time my 3 breastfed kids were in daycare so I don’t think it needed to be a total dealbreaker particularly if the center otherwise was great. As long as it isn’t a symptom of a bigger issue of the staff not being educated about breastfed babies and breastmilk - that would be more of a concern. I did have one teacher at the first center we used give me a bit of a hard time that we weren’t increasing ounces as dramatically as we would have needed to do with formula when DD was getting bigger. And they kept trying to get me to increase the nipple size. DD was the only one only on breastmilk in the room and it seemed like the teacher didn’t have a lot of past experience with that. The second center we used for DS3 seemed to have more experience feeding breastmilk and/or had more training about it.

[rhian]

Mar 3, 2024 21:19:13 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Mar 3, 2024 16:51:16 GMT -5 kittenponypony said:

I appreciate everyone’s input. I did not mean to offend about the daycare being less “natural” comment, just that yeah I do worry about his needs being met/developing a secure attachment style with spending the majority of his time with rotating caregivers. My friend sent her three month old to the (expensive, well rated) daycare associated with my husband’s hospital and he ended up with rugburn on his face from being left on the floor so much and influenza A during the first week. Versus the nanny share which is at our friends house, with a nanny they have vetted and has provided great care for their daughter so far.

Yikes, you’re really digging yourself deeper into this hole here. I didn’t even notice the first comment, but this one is pretty bad. Ouch.

You might want to reframe how you think about daycare in relationship to nanny care, both for the sake of parents of daycare kids you know, and for yourself as your child starts daycare. I get the strong impression that you think that a nanny is inherently better than daycare, and people only choose daycare because they can't afford a nanny. This is not true at all for many people, myself included. Even if a nanny and daycare were the same cost, we would choose daycare again and again. I won't get into all the reasons why, but in short, we adore our center and teachers, and our son is thriving!

There are certainly people with kids in daycare who would prefer a nanny. But there are also people with a nanny who would prefer daycare - I've known multiple friends who have ended up with a nanny because they weren't off daycare waiting lists in time.

Different options might be better fits for particular families, but daycare is not necessarily inferior to a nanny.

[sdlaura]

rhian yes, people wondered why we stuck with daycare instead of a nanny when we had four kids. I think our kids would have been bored out of their minds at home with a nanny after experiencing the socialization of daycare. I also didn’t want to manage an employee or worry about taxes, have to be without childcare when that person is sick or on vacation. Or have someone in my house when I want to be there alone. Also if you have another child, with the older one in daycare you get one on one bonding time with baby rather than the nanny and older child being there in the house all the time during your maternity leave. Most people I know who have had nanny shares have also had major issues navigating relations with the other family and nanny around different houses, parenting styles, schedules etc. Daycare has worked great for our family.

[bdubs419]

This post really rubs me the wrong way.

Signed,
Another PRO daycare poster

[heygrey]

Yes, this poster has said some pretty insensitive things, but I’m trying to give her grace knowing that she’s writing from a 3 month postpartum haze. God knows I wasn’t using my best and most rational brain then either. (Hello PPD!)

Most of us have years of parenting experience now, but I remember agonizing over child related decisions that, in retrospect, were no big deal. I’m sure we all experienced that. We just hope we had the good sense not to air our thoughts publicly, but MMM can testify that a lot of posters did.

If she has a post history of being judgmental or continues to be like this, that’s a different story. But as mostly moms responding here, I think we can all extend a little empathy.

[noodleoo]

Mar 5, 2024 9:45:36 GMT -5 heygrey said:

Yes, this poster has said some pretty insensitive things, but I’m trying to give her grace knowing that she’s writing from a 3 month postpartum haze. God knows I wasn’t using my best and most rational brain then either. (Hello PPD!)

Most of us have years of parenting experience now, but I remember agonizing over child related decisions that, in retrospect, were no big deal. I’m sure we all experienced that. We just hope we had the good sense not to air our thoughts publicly, but MMM can testify that a lot of posters did.

If she has a post history of being judgmental or continues to be like this, that’s a different story. But as mostly moms responding here, I think we can all extend a little empathy.

Absolutely, but I also hope calling it out here will help her realize her biases and how what she's saying can be hurtful.  I had a friend say some awful and incredibly judgmental things about daycare when our kids were babies.  She had grandparents that provided free childcare.  Her comments really stuck with me and it bugged me because it didn't occur to her that not everyone had that option (or wanted it!).  Our friendship didn't last after kids because of that (and other differences in parenting philosophies).

Hopefully OP at least saw the comments and won't make the same mistake my friend did.

[scm1011]

Mar 5, 2024 11:36:08 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Mar 5, 2024 9:45:36 GMT -5 heygrey said:

Yes, this poster has said some pretty insensitive things, but I’m trying to give her grace knowing that she’s writing from a 3 month postpartum haze. God knows I wasn’t using my best and most rational brain then either. (Hello PPD!)

Most of us have years of parenting experience now, but I remember agonizing over child related decisions that, in retrospect, were no big deal. I’m sure we all experienced that. We just hope we had the good sense not to air our thoughts publicly, but MMM can testify that a lot of posters did.

If she has a post history of being judgmental or continues to be like this, that’s a different story. But as mostly moms responding here, I think we can all extend a little empathy.

Absolutely, but I also hope calling it out here will help her realize her biases and how what she's saying can be hurtful.  I had a friend say some awful and incredibly judgmental things about daycare when our kids were babies.  She had grandparents that provided free childcare.  Her comments really stuck with me and it bugged me because it didn't occur to her that not everyone had that option (or wanted it!).  Our friendship didn't last after kids because of that (and other differences in parenting philosophies).

Hopefully OP at least saw the comments and won't make the same mistake my friend did.

And also to give a different perspective about daycare centers. Both of my kids (almost 5 & 7) went to a daycare center from infancy until they left for public school. They were our second family. They came to birthday parties and brought my kids back gifts from vacations. They check-up on us via text still a year later. It was an incredibly warm and loving environment that also gave my kids exposure to different languages, cultures, and races which I think is such a gift to give a kid from the get go. It was not a cold environment where babies were left to cry on the floor. 

[rhian]

Mar 5, 2024 9:45:36 GMT -5 heygrey said:

Yes, this poster has said some pretty insensitive things, but I’m trying to give her grace knowing that she’s writing from a 3 month postpartum haze. God knows I wasn’t using my best and most rational brain then either. (Hello PPD!)

Most of us have years of parenting experience now, but I remember agonizing over child related decisions that, in retrospect, were no big deal. I’m sure we all experienced that. We just hope we had the good sense not to air our thoughts publicly, but MMM can testify that a lot of posters did.

If she has a post history of being judgmental or continues to be like this, that’s a different story. But as mostly moms responding here, I think we can all extend a little empathy.

I think everyone was relatively gentle with OP given the pretty harsh comments she made about daycare? I think most responses acknowledged that choices about childcare are often hard. I agree that it's easier to feel confident in your decisions in retrospect than in the moment, especially when you're just a few months postpartum. But I also don't think that having a newborn or struggling with PPD/PPA gives you a free pass to say whatever you want.

My kid is younger than those of many on the board (just turned 2, and we plan to start our second in daycare at 5 months), so I am currently a daycare parent and will be for the next several years, but I'm confident in our decision to go with daycare, so her comments don't really affect me personally. I chose to point out her insensitivity in hopes of preventing her of saying the same or similar to another parent who is also recently postpartum and/or dealing with PPD/PPA, who really shouldn't have to hear that daycare is dangerous or unnatural if that's the choice they've made for their family.

[jobae1234]

Ok first of all, it’s important that you know that none of the things you’ve said about day care are scientifically accurate. This stuff has been studied in detail. For one thing, your child doesn’t need to develop secure attachment to either a day care worker or a nanny. The secure attachment is to its parents. And time after time studies have shown that there aren’t differences between kids who go to day care and kids whose parents stay home, regarding attachment to parents. What matters is that they have high quality care all 24 hours of the day, so picking a quality day care or nanny is the most important thing, actually the only decision of consequence for your child. Any high quality care is fine. High quality care refers to warmth from caregivers, safety, engagement, access to food, and lots of play. It’s not teaching babies Spanish (I mean teach your baby Spanish if you want to, but it won’t affect their development, it will just affect whether or not they speak Spanish).

Second, this hasn’t been brought up yet but my husband is recovering from a serious injury, and is out of work indefinitely. He’s an executive and he could easily have afforded to have me stay home, but because I kept working (I’ve tripled my income since my daughter was born) I am keeping us afloat while he recovers. One of my best friends is the breadwinner with a SAH partner and she has cancer; now she is trying to keep her FT job while going through brutal chemo so the family has enough. Even if you’re very confident in your marriage, illness and injury can devastate your family. Because I’m currently going through it, I wanted to add it as something to consider. I’m so grateful that I have my career. I had no idea how much I would need it.

[macmars45]

The secure attachment worry is right up there with the thought that childcare providers are raising your baby/kid. They are providing safe care for your child while you work. Period. Your child has a secure attachment to you/your partner as the parents and you are raising your kid. Period. Childcare providers love the kiddos in their care but it's not in the same vein as parents' love for their child.

kittenponypony do what's right for you and your family.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I haven't read the replies, but my dh is a doctor, and I SAH with my kids who are now 12 and 14 (my dh was also in the military, so a slightly different path). 

While I am grateful that I was able to SAH with my kids, working wasn't really an option for me when they were infants due to the military lifestyle, and I was also unhappy in my job and was unsure how to find a new career path when we were moving, had a spouse deployed, and 2 young kids, so it made the most sense for us.  But I found it overwhelming, isolating, monotonous, and it really changed the dynamic of my relationship with my spouse.  At this point in our lives, my kids are self-sufficient (I mean, they are in middle and high school), but I am the one who completely manages their lives, their after school stuff, our household, and though my dh is not in the military anymore, his schedule is not flexible at all even when he works from home, so pretty much everything kid and house related falls to me.  I'm at a point now where I really would like to be doing something fulfilling for myself during the hours of the school day, but because the kids still need me in the morning and immediately after school, I am still very limited in options.  

I will say that my dh's position as an attending has made it so that it's financially not a problem that I am still a SAHM, and I have a great relationship with my kids, and I honestly don't know that I would have changed anything looking back knowing now how I feel.  But I also didn't realize how hard it would be at this point and how blah I would feel about my role in life beyond being a wife and mother.  If you have a career that you think you will be able to re-enter more easily that might not be as big a concern for you, but I would say the changing dynamics and expectations that get set up for your time as a SAHM might be more of something to consider.