Child with constant negative thoughts

[scm1011]

My almost 5 year old DD is really negative and always has been. While she can definitely be joyful, she very much leans into the negative and complains all day long about anything you can think of. Its incredibly draining. On our walk to school this morning she was in near tears the whole walk and had the following gripes:

It makes her sad that her best friend is older than her (by 3 months)

She doesn't want to go on our upcoming vacation to Dominican Republic because she likes visiting NYC more

She doesn't want to go to dance class tomorrow because it makes her legs hurt (she LOVES dance class)

DS gets to talk more on our walks to school (not true, this is a repeated gripe so I'm very conscious of taking turns)

DS said puppies are the best but she thinks kitties are the best so that makes her sad.


Its f-ing exhausting and her negativity brings me and DH down. We've tried validating her feelings "Yes, I can understand it makes you sad that Alice's birthday is before yours. It can be hard to wait for your birthday to come.". We try to say one things we're grateful for every night at dinner and more often than not she says "nothing good happened today". She's only getting more negative and I hate to think this is going to be a lifelong part of her personality. 

Its also very stark because DS (7) is the most content and optimistic child on the planet. He sees the bright side of everything. For DD I'm 99% sure this is all coming from a place of anxiety, as she's a very anxious kid in general. But its not like I can give her baby prozac. Should I bring this up to her pediatrician? Bring her to a therapist? Is my perception skewed because DS is so opposite?

[nicolewi]

Anxiety; I vote trying a therapist.

My 9 yo sees a therapist for anxiety, and we have some similar type of things. She has a really hard time not focusing on the one negative thing, instead of seeing all the positive things around her. That said, therapy has not been very effective at all. I’m looking at either discontinuing, and just dealing for while, or changing therapists if possible.

[scm1011]

nicolewi, I'm sorry the therapy has not been effective for your DD. I hope you're able to find a new one that helps more. Solidarity.

[countthestars]

I agree that it's likely anxiety, and a therapist can help! DD has seen therapists off and on since she was 5.

ETA: Also I can see why that would be so irritating for you and your H! I sometimes struggle with DD's anxiety because while I ***KNOW*** it is her anxiety talking, sometimes she's worried about the most non sensical stuff (to me). 

[scm1011]

Mar 1, 2024 11:21:16 GMT -5 countthestars said:

I agree that it's likely anxiety, and a therapist can help! DD has seen therapists off and on since she was 5.

ETA: Also I can see why that would be so irritating for you and your H! I sometimes struggle with DD's anxiety because while I ***KNOW*** it is her anxiety talking, sometimes she's worried about the most non sensical stuff (to me). 

Its mostly irritating because we'll all be having a nice time and DD will just go on a complaining spiral and completely kill the vibe. Which is selfish I know, because like you said its very likely her anxiety talking, but sometimes I just want to enjoy a fun day without her bitching that something else would be even more fun.

[momof2]

I would absolutely try therapy. And if that doesn’t work, I would try meds by age 10 (assuming an actual professional believes this is anxiety).

[devonpow]

DS2 (about to turn 12) is a very negative/pessimistic kid. I hear you about how it can be really draining to deal with. He does have diagnosed general anxiety disorder (diagnosed when he was 7). He’s done lots of various therapies including talk therapy and social skill groups. The things that helped him by far the most have been meds (started when he was 9 - huge difference) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (done through the BU anxiety center - CARD - I can’t recommend them enough). Part of his CBT specifically focused on negative thinking. It helped and he’s much better, but still tends to be negative - I think he will always be that way a bit.

[scm1011]

devonpow, thank you! Appreciate the local rec - that's only 15 minutes from me so I'll definitely look into it (and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy generally). I'm glad meds have worked. I've been on anxiety meds my entire adult life and I know how life changing they can be.

[jeaniebueller]

Therapy is a great suggestion, at age 5, its probably going to be more like play therapy. In the meantime, try practicing a form of positive affirmations with her. She starts saying something negative, you can explore it and find out why she is worried, but turn the statement into looking at the positive. I would not spend a lot of time affirming thing negative things she says (as long as they aren't based in something actually affecting her) and respond with a positive thought. I do this with my kids a lot. Acknowledge her feelings but look forward.

[luckystar2]

I agree it’s anxiety. I’m like this and so is my dd. Dh gets so frustrated and says we just complain. But 90% of my complaints are anxiety driven. And it’s frustrating to have somebody who I love and loves me be so annoyed about it. I’m not trying to be negative. I’m just stressed out and worried and it comes out as complaints to him.

A couple of things I try is to say the positives. So the negatives come out more because the anxiety causes me to spiral and I need someone to listen/validate or help calm my fears. I don’t need to talk about the positives because they aren’t stressing me out. So I do try to point them out so I’m less annoying to dh. And I try to model that with dd.

I think if you start looking at the complaints as anxiety then maybe you can think about how better to deal with them. I also would try to feel some empathy that she’s feeling anxious rather than being bummed that she’s dragging everybody down (not saying you don’t do this but I feel like when I think about the root cause it just makes me feel less annoyed and more empathetic). She’s young still so I do think maybe looking into therapist to help guide you and help her would be a good idea. But for now when she starts complaining maybe probing the situation to figure out what is the anxiety piece. How can you help her feel less anxious about it or can you just listen and be there for her.

[acr]

My DD (7) has been in play therapy for about 2 years for anxiety. Part of what she demonstrated was really big feelings like you described. It's been impactful (along with starting anti-anxiety meds this year). While it was not a quick fix, she has gotten much better at being able to manage and redirect her thoughts/feelings.

[devonpow]

Mar 1, 2024 14:41:54 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

devonpow, thank you! Appreciate the local rec - that's only 15 minutes from me so I'll definitely look into it (and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy generally). I'm glad meds have worked. I've been on anxiety meds my entire adult life and I know how life changing they can be.

we have been through a whole lot of things so I have lots of recs! Lol. CARD is the gold standard but they have a looong waitlist usually unfortunately. Also if ever in the need for social skill groups we highly recommend the Academy of Physical and Social development in Newton - not a convenient location but they were amazing!

[scm1011]

luckystar2, I appreciate the perspective as an adult who struggles with negative thoughts. And I'm very cognizant of not being dismissive or openly annoyed at her negativity, but I fail sometimes for sure.

I am trying to gently probe more and tonight when she again complained that she didn't want to go to dance tomorrow because it made her legs tired the real reason came out - she was anxious about the upcoming recital because last year I looked at only her with a "too big smile" on my face and it made her feel scared. We talked through it and I practiced different faces I could make and at her suggestion we decided I would look at the other dancers too and that would make her feel better.

I appreciate the thoughts all. And devonpow I posted on my local moms group and someone else recommended CARD (with the same caveats you did about wait list). Thankfully social skills don't seem to be a problem at this point.

[Poppy]

I just want to ask if she might be getting some of it from peers. DD has a friend who brings out this kind of talk from her (and it extends beyond their time together).

[polarbearfans]

I have started asking my daughter to tell me about positive aspects of her life when she gets stuck in a negative mood. Once she starts she sees how long the list is, and that everything isn’t as awful as she thought. She will let one negative thing ruin an amazing day, so I have been trying to highlight what has gone well, and that yeah it sucks that whatever set her off happened, but overall she has it pretty good. She would benefit from therapy but that isn’t easy where we live, and so far just haven’t been able to get started. I think it is what a lot of kids her age are going through, because I see many of her friends have these gloomy spirals too.

[livinitup]

I hope this doesn’t come off as trite but I love the “bucket books” and have seen them do wonders. Seriously! There is the book and some additional activity books and at least a few classroom based programs built on the messaging. For a five year old, it might be spot on for her social develop and language.

Lots of language around the “bringing people up = bucket filler” and “bringing people down = bucket dipper”.

I bet you can find a bunch of YouTube videos about it, too. Family activities, praise systems, etc.

Carol McCloud and David Messing
Have You Filled a Bucket Today?: A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids (Bucketfilling Books)

[atarianna]

My 11 year old does this and we are actually meeting with her doctor and social worker tomorrow to figure out next steps. A non-therapist friend suggested implementing a quick “that was negative, give me a positive” response when she is negative. This is both to help show how frequently she is doing it because it’s excessive but also to try to help her reframe her thoughts. We hope to discuss more tomorrow and get her into see her counselor soon. It’s exhausting and absolutely toxic to everyone around her.

[notsopicky]

Try therapy. My 12 yo saw a counselor for about a year, at his request. He wanted some help reframing negative thoughts and techniques to quell anxious behaviors (like crying from frustration, becoming a whirling dervish in perceived high-anxiety situations). He probably will have to go back at some point; I see as he's in his first year of secondary education that the internal pressure he feels to do well academically, behave right, be a good friend, meet his parents expectations (real or perceived), etc. etc. etc. will ramp up more and more as he gets older.

The last couple weeks have been rough--he's been super negative (about stupid stuff, if I'm being honest) and I'm over it.