S/O Paying for "Family Stuff"

[sadlebred]

Once again someone got me thinking. This time about paying for "Family Stuff" no matter what the situation is because you have money, and they don't. So....

Do you pay for Family Stuff?

[sadlebred]

Yes but it depends. Someone in my extended family quit their job voluntarily b/c of a bad situation but was actively looking for work. They had no income and were living off of savings. I know several family members paid their mortgage. Without even asking, I was told to pay a few bills. Nope. I sent groceries and sundries, but that's all I had money for at the time. If they'd quit and been sitting on the couch, too bad. Because they were actively looking for work, I was happy to contribute a bit.

[sakoro]

My ex had family that occasionally needed help. For his parents, he had no problem sending them $200/ month to subsidize groceries or pay off medical bills. For his brother, he would only send grocery gift cards because he didn’t trust his brother to use it responsibly.

[heygrey]

I said "sort of depends".

In H's family we are the poor ones. We aren't poor by any stretch, but H's siblings are older/more advanced in their careers and some are very successful. H's parents are comfortable in retirement, but the odd time we've tried to do something for them it is either rejected or an older sibling pays us back. Sometimes I get annoyed with being viewed as the little kids, but mostly it just means more money to create our own security.

We would push ourselves to the limit to help my parents, but again, I have a hard time imagining this scenario.

I have no siblings, but my extended family is an absolute no.

[quesyrah]

No. And the reason is complicated. So just, no.

[simpsongal]

Our parents have handled this role thus far so I said 'no' - though I did help pay to send my brother on vacation with us one time. He's an addict, so helping is complicated. DH and I will have to talk more about helping once our parents pass on and we're the responsible adults...

[fortnightlily]

This is hypothetical for me, because I've never been asked nor pressured. DH did help his parents with bills as a young adult when he was living at home, but ever since I've known him his parents and siblings were all self-sufficient, as are mine. There are some nieces and nephews that have made some poor choices (not finishing college, only pursuing unsteady or dead-end jobs), and we gave one of them an old car that wasn't worth much, but that's about it.

So in reality, no. Hypothetically if someone were to fall on hard times - maybe? It would depend on who and the circumstances.

[sarahsays]

No, but because I'm an only child and my parents have passed away. I'm not close enough to any extended family members who would need financial help from me.

If a close friend needed it, I probably would help.

[aprilsails]

I'm in a similar situation as simpsongal

My brother is not an active user anymore, but he lives paycheque to paycheque, heavily subsidized by my parents as well. Occasionally I throw him some money, usually to buy my parents and my kids presents at Christmas and birthdays so he doesn't show up empty handed.

If my parents don't set him up a trust (I'm trying to convince them to do so) I'm certain he will be showing up with his hands out on the regular. Or if, god forbid, they ever cut him off.

He's a difficult case because he's walking the straight and narrow, however he did a lot of drugs really young and he basically has brain damage. He will never think past what he needs right this minute. My parents keep setting him up with good steady jobs that would pay the bills long term, have stability and even pensions, but then he quits to pursue a seasonal or short lived opportunity that does pay more per hour, but he's got no protections and generally no job two months later. It's infuriating.

[mcsangel2]

This hasn't come up with any family members, essentially we're all pretty secure for the most part. However, I do have two close friends that have struggled from time to time, and I have helped them out.

[wesleycrusher]

Like others, this hasn't come up much for family members as everyone is secure in terms of basic needs (and also I've never been asked).

I do, however, spend money on my extended family and friends for "fun stuff" that is a want, not a need. Like taking family members on vacations with us, splurging on my sister's bridal shower, extra money for graduation present for my niece. Things like that.

[mae0111]

We have helped when it was needed, but we wouldn't necessarily do it again for for everyone.

We bought the house that MIL lives in right now. She pays us rent that is well below market. She could have purchased it herself, but she was afraid to take on a mortgage after FIL passed away. At the time, it was a VLCOL area, so it was fine for us. The property has almost doubled in a very short period of time as COL in the area increases, so I don't know that we could/would do it again.

We have also helped BIL/SIL with some of our nephew's medical expenses. I would insist that we never do that again. They are very irresponsible.

That same nephew is likely never going to be able to live independently, so I would like to set something up to help him. But it's a lot more complicated than I thought because I don't want BIL/SIL to have access to the money. Again - irresponsible.

We haven't had to help my parents or siblings at all, but I would do it if needed.

[rhian]

I said it depends. We have been fortunate in that we haven't had to deal with this much. We have offered to cover some expenses in a few specific situations for a sibling and parent (they ended up declining the help both times), but we would be willing to again if needed.

[wildrice]

I am lucky that nobody has ever asked me to pay for anything for them! My sister has had some major health issues in the last year though and I did donate a fairly generous amount to her GoFundMe, if that counts. I also sent her a Chewy giftcard to help with some pet expenses. But other than the general GFM she has never asked for a thing.

I think we would help family if we could and they needed it, especially my family since they have been generous with us over the years and have also all been pretty financially responsible so if something happened where they needed money, it would be a real problem that I'd be happy to be able to help with. Again I am fortunate that we get along well and there is none of that "they blew all their money on stupid things and now expect us to help" stuff that often comes up in families.

[flygirl]

I said it depends. We often end up paying for the family reunion food during the summer which is usually less than $200-300 and stay at a hotel so my MILs house is free for others. In the past H used to be the “bank” in his family where his siblings would borrow large sums of money and then not repay it. It is probably the biggest reason none of them really liked me and hoped we’d divorce the first few years because I refused to let it keep happening. The “family helps family” only went one way. They still go to his mom a lot for money but this kind of came to a screeching end this year when MIL asked me for help and H/I realized how little she has saved for retirement. H would be pissed if she loaned out any of that money. If someone had a major medical issue, we have a flat $ amount we’d give as a gift but other than that, your life, your problem.
On my side, my parents largely subsidize my brother. My siblings all received a small inheritance this year so that helped 3 of us but I have a feeling my brothers portion will be gone in less than a year. I would never give him money no matter what the situation was. Harsh, but he has made very poor choices and still thinks he’s better than everyone plus doesn’t take care of his child so I have no sympathy. If my other siblings had a major medical issue, the same amount would apply as for Hs family.

[fernweh]

It really depends.

We have had family ask for help with essentials while they were flaunting frivolous purchases/taking vacations the answer was no

We had family ask for help because they are a single parent in a low paying job (teacher) and the ex is playing games with child support money the answer was yes.

[niq]

Uh, I mean ...

My uncle lost his job at two different times when I was a kid, and my dad apparently wrote them checks a couple of times. He got kind of annoyed about it and would complain that he should take a job to pay the bills, even if it's not in his preferred field.

My sister-in-law lived in our living room for a few months when she was having a hard time.

I have no idea what I would do if my sister hit financial hardship. Or any of the other in-laws at this point. It doesn't seem terribly likely but who knows. If someone got divorced I bet we would offer our couch if that helped with the transition.

My dad is very financially secure, but I imagine I'll have to help him out logistically at some point.

[ssmjlm]

It depends.

I would not help out my ILs. Many of them have made bad money decisions and will have to deal with the consequences.

My mom bought a trailer in a neighboring city where her brother, my uncle lives. His SS covers everything but the trailer costs. So I don't think I would have to give him $, it would likely be things like appointments because he doesn't drive anymore. I don't think he will outlive my mom, but it's possible.

[brooke77]

Depends. My family is pretty small. Would help brother or sister, as much as possible. Not super close with Dad/Aunt/Uncle, so likely not. They also would not help me.

DHs family is very large and if it were up to him, he would help them all. I’m fine with help, within reason.

[Stan]

I’m the lowest income of my siblings, and we are doing well, and my parents inherited recently. I would help if any of them needed it but I don’t think it will ever happen. My XH had a family that was constantly asking him for money, he promised to stop during premarital counseling but didn’t. There were addictions that were being enabled but also his dad and grandparents weren’t able to save at all so I did sympathize. My H now has parents who are more than a fine, a sister who does quite well, and a younger sister who needs help sometimes but the parents take care of it. I used to significantly overpay her husband to house and dog sit but they decided to stop doing that but that’s as close as I ever got to helping and mainly I did it because our dog has a rough time and I wanted to keep him in his own environment.

[macmars45]

H and I paid for his sister and kiddos to attend our wedding and we saved money for both kids for college. We sent SIL a check here and there when her kids were little because she was barely making ends meet. She's been doing well now for a while and her kids are in college now. Looking back I kind of marvel at how much we were able to help considering our own financial situation at the time. I will say we put $25/month in an account for the niece & nibling for their high school graduations and it was a pretty good amount by the time we wrote them each a check.

On my side of the family we don't really help out much. My parents and PA sister/surgeon BIL help the two other sisters that need a hand here and there. In terms of who is most able to help out there's the aforementioned sister/BIL rolling in the money and next is H/me. By comparison, we can offer very little. They're we own 2 houses and a condo rich. We're H gets paid well & we have money saved doing well.

[neeps]

I said it depends, but in reality thinking about it more, I would call us the family bank.

[litebright]

So far, none of my family members or DH's have been in a position where helping them was needed and/or asked of us. We have done things like, invite newly divorced SIL and her kids on vacation with us and paid their way, but it wasn't things like day-to-day expenses.

However, my sister is in the process of getting divorced and it's an absolute mess. Due to a cascade of poor/naive decisions during the course of her marriage on both her part and her STBX's, she will be in a pretty crappy financial situation even though she works (nurse). My parents are willing & able to help, so most of it will fall to them -- to the point that they are currently in the process of buying a townhouse or condo for sister and her two kids. But I can see the conflict coming, and it will be mostly financial, because my sister has had champagne-taste entitlement and an inability to save or plan long-term her entire life, and her being financially dependent on my parents again will make both her and my mother miserable.

I would be surprised if she *doesn't* ask DH and me for money at some point, and we'll have to figure out what we are willing to do (Take the kids for part of the summer so she has childcare? Help pay for activities? Pay for a specific service per month?). DH and I haven't talked about it yet. I know my sister, and I don't trust her to be responsible or to actually spend cash on what she says she needs it for.

[sadlebred]

Here's a tip I've learned being in a few local "fill the gap" needs groups. If you decide to pay for a specific service, say yard service or utilities, pay them directly rather than give money to the family member. That way it's not squandered. Probably an obvious thing to a lot of us.

Groceries=gift cards.

[midwestmama]

The general answer is no, though it would depend on the family member. My ILs and my sister have made and still make bad financial choices, so would not help them. MIL totaled her car last year (she was the at-fault driver), and DH helped her shop for a replacement car after she was okayed to drive again. She asked him if we would loan her a few hundred dollars so that she would have enough for the down payment, but DH flatly refused. He told her to ask someone else or don't get that car and find one a bit less expensive. (She ended up asking her friend.)

We would very likely help my parents if needed. They generally make good financial choices and have helped us once in the past.

[ellipses84]

We don’t really help. Early on in our relationship, DH drew a line with his family and will not lend them money. He’s made an exception a few times for small loans for 2 relatives who always pay it back as soon as they get paid. If they ever stop paying him back he won’t loan money to them anymore. We genuinely don’t have enough spare income to be loaning money to all of them and not having it paid back. Anytime any of them have a financial windfall they blow through it and some have drug or gambling addiction issues. We go above and beyond with gifts for nieces/ nephews most of whom are young adults and some who have kids of their own. If I have money in my Venmo I’ll send them some to treat themselves and I’ve paid for plane/ train tix and diapers when they haven’t directly asked me to.

I think my family thinks we are well off, but really my mom/ stepdad and one sis/BIL make more than we do. They would probably be shocked if they knew what our income was or how little DH makes in HCOL. My parents have never helped us out with money, although I know they loaned one sis money for big house repairs more than once (sometimes during times when a federal job didn’t pay them on time) and they’ve bailed my other sis out numerous times during her divorces and help her a lot as a single mom.