Am I really ruining my 7th grader's life

[kitty]

...by not getting her a phone or is she just using this as a straw man and trying to blame all the middle school tribulations on this?

So I've been trying to loosely do a wait until 8th kind of thing but DD is having a lot of social drama. She insists that not having a phone is making things worse but I am worried the phone will only magnify the drama. She probably isn't literally the only 7th grader without one but she's pretty close at this point. Even the other techno-skeptical moms have caved by this point so as of Christmas 2023 she's the only person without one out of the classmates she routinely interacts with. She has had a cellular Apple watch since 6th grade.

For backstory: her elementary BFF started being mean to her in Nov of 6th grade. They were on again/off again but moved to permanently off. BFF kept the larger group of friends after the breakup and DD has been trying to find a new group and new close friend for the past year, largely unsuccessfully.

DD's main complaints:

1) No one talks to each other on the bus. They all just look at their phones and if she tries to engage someone in conversation they seem to get annoyed with her. This also supposedly happens to a lesser degree at lunch too.

2) DD is embarrassed that she has a watch instead of a phone so doesn't ask for new people's number or share hers to avoid calling attention to this fact. She does have some girls that she texts from last year when she first got the watch and wasn't embarrassed about it yet.

3) DD is convinced that people think she is 'weird' because she doesn't have a phone.

I think she is just blaming the lack of a phone for her (normal?) internal anxiety around navigating middle school social relationships. I'm definitely tempted to get her a phone if only for the placebo effect on her confidence but I don't want her to use it to avoid having to interact with people IRL and to avoid continuing to try to find her people.

If you have an older middle schooler who doesn't have a phone or very recently got one, how it is going?

[luckystar2]

We got dd a phone at 13 (end of 7th grade). I was trying for wait for 8th but 13 seemed pretty close.

Dd really never complained that much but it was absolutely true that pretty much everyone had phones and were obsessed. Part of the reason she didn’t complain to get one was because she recognized how over involved in phones her friends were and it annoyed her. But she also felt left out in 6th grade on bus because the 2 girls she had been friends with edged her out and all they did was play on their phones.

Looking back I honestly don’t know how I feel. She did have an iPad so she could message friends at home (which helped in early days of pandemic!).

I had a firm no social media rule though when she got it. So that is a possibility if you get a phone so she can talk with friends. You can still limit all the SM. She basically just used it to message people and play games.

When she turned 15 I allowed her to start with SM. And at this point she is pretty over involved with her phone. I hate that but it IS the way kids communicate. I finally gave in on SM because so many kids talk over Snapchat. I’m glad she was older before she got a phone/SM but I do think she has suffered some socially at times.

[waverly]

DS got a Gabb phone in 6th grade. Due to probably social anxiety he refused to ask people for their phone numbers. As far as the bus, he did sit next to his best friend, and this year has made a new friend. I don't know how much they are on phone on the bus, but I suspect a lot. No phones are allowed at lunch. He got a locked down iPhone this year in mid 7th grade.

I think I would go ahead and get the phone, but with a heavy dose of scaffolding for social situations maybe even some role play. 1. How are you going to ask friends for their numbers? 2. How to make weekend plans with a friend. (Think of a plan, Ask your parents, ask friend, friend asks their parents, set up times/ dates etc, implement plan. Don't just allow the phone without the scaffolding. My child resists it somewhat and is like MOM, I have friends. But I know it is easier for him to not do anything and wait for others to come to him instead of initiating, so I do push him to initiate sometimes.  Really think through how you will lock it down also.  My personal feeling is it is not safe for them to have unrestricted access to the internet/ apps etc. 

Oh and there is definitely going to still be middle school woes as a phone makes them worse (really social media does).  

[jinkies]

if she has a way to text, then you are probably not ruining her life. If she had no way to communicate, then I would have said it probably is hurting her socially, but the watch should be fine. Kids that age find anything different to be embarassing. we went through this with my son bc he has a samsung and it was a bigger issue for kids than i expected. but ultimately he survived and so will your daughter. the tech is so hard to navigate.

[minniemouse]

I’m sure she isn’t the only kid in her grade without one, but it sounds like she is the only one in her circle without one. I would get one so she isn’t left out of group texts/chats. That’s where my 14 year old and her friends make all their plans to get together. Dd is in 9th and said the same about the high school bus being super quiet because everyone is on their phones.
While dd had a phone in 6th, we didn’t allow social media until she turned 13/8th grade. She was the last one standing in her group without Snapchat. I finally caved and it did help her socially quite a bit. Especially once she got to high school where no one exchanges phone numbers when they meet new people - only snap profiles.
ETA- i see she has apple watch. She can be on group texts with that, although it is not as easy to keep up per dd’s friend who had a watch only until a couple months ago. Her parents caved and got a phone when the school Remind notifications became too annoying for them. Now the kids get them instead. lol.

[nicolewi]

I think it’s time to get her one. We were on the later side with our kids, but we got them phones at 13. By that point, it seemed like they needed to have one to be involved in group texting and group chats, or they would be left out of the social loop. One of my daughter’s friends didn’t get one till the end of eighth grade, and that was definitely too late. Caused a lot of hassle for that kid and his friends and people had to be very deliberate about making sure he was included in plans.

[sdlaura]

I would prefer to wait till later for phones, but on a practical and social basis, we'll be getting one for my DD before she starts 7th grade in the fall. She will have just turned 12. I've decided I'd rather limit my battles with her to other things as long as she continues to be a responsible and trustworthy kid.

One recommendation from a friend of a friend was not to gift your kid a phone that is theirs. But instead get a phone and say "this is mom and dad's phone, and we're letting you use it as long as you're responsible with it/not too distracted/we control what's on it, where it goes, and what is downloaded on it" or similar. Then it's easier to control it, vs. it being the kid's phone. So that's what we're doing.

[kitty]

Mar 18, 2024 12:24:53 GMT -5 jinkies said:

if she has a way to text, then you are probably not ruining her life. If she had no way to communicate, then I would have said it probably is hurting her socially, but the watch should be fine. Kids that age find anything different to be embarassing. we went through this with my son bc he has a samsung and it was a bigger issue for kids than i expected. but ultimately he survived and so will your daughter. the tech is so hard to navigate.

Oh she already informed me that she is saving up money toward her future phone because if I get her an android or a "cheap" iphone SE (read: the one DH and I have) people are going to "make fun of her." So her plan is to increase the budget with her savings so she can get what she thinks is a socially acceptable iphone ::eyeroll emoji:: .

[ellipses84]

My 7th grader doesn’t have one. He has an Apple Watch so he can communicate with us and text his friends. He complains about it all the time and begs for a phone, but I know he’ll just use it to play video games and look up sports stats, more than communicate with his friends. I’ve told him for years he can have one when he is 16. In reality we may get him one for Christmas of 8th grade (13.5). His watch dies pretty fast. I think it’s difficult to limit screen time once it’s their phone. Another option is to get an extra family cell phone that any kid in the family can use when they need it, and they can use it during certain hours at home, but it’s not “their” phone that they feel a right to privacy on, similar to a shared iPad or home phone. DS’ BFF has an old school flip phone.

Leading up to it, I plan to watch some documentaries and listen to some podcasts with DS about the internet / social media and have him sign a contract with the rules we agree to together. There’s a Tech in Parenting fb group moderated by Bark. I’ve recommended it to so many parents, not to fear monger, but so you can educate yourself. There’s a lot of good recs for resources, troubleshooting the technology, finding out the dangers of certain apps and finding out about kid workarounds. Any app a kid can message on is a concern and it’s a bit like opening Pandora’s box and I think it’s important to have an open dialogue with your kid about it before problems arise, but it’s also good to teach them good/ safe habits before they are 18. Think hard about what you will allow, like a phone is one thing but social media is another. Socially things can change overnight for teens, like a friend group could mean girl them or they could get a boyfriend and start texting nonstop or be pressured into sending nudes. Prepare them ahead of time to deal with those things or ask for help.

[kitty]

Mar 18, 2024 12:31:29 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

I’m sure she isn’t the only kid in her grade without one, but it sounds like she is the only one in her circle without one. I would get one so she isn’t left out of group texts/chats. That’s where my 14 year old and her friends make all their plans to get together. Dd is in 9th and said the same about the high school bus being super quiet because everyone is on their phones.
While dd had a phone in 6th, we didn’t allow social media until she turned 13/8th grade. She was the last one standing in her group without Snapchat. I finally caved and it did help her socially quite a bit. Especially once she got to high school where no one exchanges phone numbers when they meet new people - only snap profiles.
ETA- i see she has apple watch. She can be on group texts with that, although it is not as easy to keep up per dd’s friend who had a watch only until a couple months ago. Her parents caved and got a phone when the school Remind notifications became too annoying for them. Now the kids get them instead. lol.

She does manage to get on group chats with the watch. There was a big one recently for drama club she was part of but she does find it annoying to keep up on the small screen when there is a lot of activity and hard to write longer messages. The watch is definitely not convenient but that has also made it very non-addicting which I have liked lol.

[CrazyLucky]

DS is in 8th and DD is in 6th. We got each kid a phone for their 12th birthday. Just before DD got her phone, her social studies teacher asked the kids to raise their hand if they don't have a phone. I was all smug, thinking her claims of being the only kid without one were exaggerated, "So how many raised their hands?" She says, "Just me." She had the watch too though, but that's a lot harder to text on.
Recent events with my son have me saying "Never buy them a phone!!!" Another kid's parent screenshot some of the texts my son sent and it was horrifying. Their whole group chat is awful. We had always told DS that one condition of having a phone was that mom and dad can look at it any time, and we will definitely be doing that more often.

[kitty]

Mar 18, 2024 12:58:25 GMT -5 ellipses84 said:

My 7th grader doesn’t have one. He has an Apple Watch so he can communicate with us and text his friends. He complains about it all the time and begs for a phone, but I know he’ll just use it to play video games and look up sports stats, more than communicate with his friends. I’ve told him for years he can have one when he is 16. In reality we may get him one for Christmas of 8th grade (13.5). His watch dies pretty fast. I think it’s difficult to limit screen time once it’s their phone. Another option is to get an extra family cell phone that any kid in the family can use when they need it, and they can use it during certain hours at home, but it’s not “their” phone that they feel a right to privacy on, similar to a shared iPad or home phone. DS’ BFF has an old school flip phone.

Leading up to it, I plan to watch some documentaries and listen to some podcasts with DS about the internet / social media and have him sign a contract with the rules we agree to together. There’s a Tech in Parenting fb group moderated by Bark. I’ve recommended it to so many parents, not to fear monger, but so you can educate yourself. There’s a lot of good recs for resources, troubleshooting the technology, finding out the dangers of certain apps and finding out about kid workarounds. Any app a kid can message on is a concern and it’s a bit like opening Pandora’s box and I think it’s important to have an open dialogue with your kid about it before problems arise, but it’s also good to teach them good/ safe habits before they are 18. Think hard about what you will allow, like a phone is one thing but social media is another. Socially things can change overnight for teens, like a friend group could mean girl them or they could get a boyfriend and start texting nonstop or be pressured into sending nudes. Prepare them ahead of time to deal with those things or ask for help.

Yes! The battery on the apple watch is another huge complaint of hers.

I think part of the reason I have been stalling is because I know the phone itself is just the beginning and have no plans to allow unfettered access to the internet or SM. I feel like she's going to be happy for 2 weeks and then in my face about how she's the only one who doesn't have Tik Tok.

We have definitely already been talking about a lot of these things in a theoretical way and she's a rule follower by nature so it will probably be fine. My objections are more philosophical ala this recent article I came across: www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/the-terrible-costs-of-a-phone-based-childhood/ar-BB1jONI0

[waverly]

kitty , I agree with the article posted. This is why the phones are very locked down. We've also gotten a new router where it is easier to block websites, and we've blocked You Tube because of the addictive and bad content. Screen time does seem to work for us. They are not allowed to download apps without permission. We haven't needed to remove the internet app yet, but we could under that. It limits what hours the device is available. I've heard that permissions get less when they are over 13, so we have lowered the entered age for the kids to have more control. We can limit the hours on devices and shut them off at night. I know Screen time has been spotty for other parents, but it has been working for us. It's an ongoing conversation. I am so happy that DS does not have social media. I've heard other kids been bullied there and dramatic misinformation about a community tragedy to highlight a few things.

So the main thing DS does is more gaming, and that was being done on the Switch also. So we do need to keep an eye on that just time wise. His friends also play on the Switch so online gaming is part of his social life so it is hard to just say hey you can't do it at all but it does need to be balanced with in personal socializing or at least sports.  All his friends are in a sport so it is hard for their schedules to allign.   

I will say I think it is harder with girls and DD is only 11 with no phone, but I know just the way they socialize will make it more difficult to manage.

[niq]

I am a squish, I think you should get them a phone and just lock it down. Both Apple and Android let you opt-in to specific apps and websites rather than opt out. Being able to text your friends to chat or set up times to hang out seems good. You get app usage reports, so you can take it away if you see that they're using it to goof off instead of socialize.

V is in 5th grade and has a phone. He can use it for calls, text/Google Chat, Wikipedia, and Murdle. He can get to Google Doodles, so sometimes he will goof off by googling "emoji kitchen", but not for very long. He takes it to school on Fridays so that he can go to a coffee shop after Theater Backstage and be in touch with mom & dad.

At the middle school where I volunteer, the big problem is laptops, not phones. The school rule is phones stay in backpacks and almost all of them respect it, even after school hours. But with the laptops the boys constantly find games that are not blocked by school IT and play them. It's an endless cat and mouse game. And of course the games that aren't blocked are lower quality than the games that are. Multiplayer gaming is kinda sorta social, and they try to convince me that these games involve math in some way, but it's a big waste of my time to police it.

[ellipses84]

DS did Cotillion last year (6-7th graders) and there was one session where they talked about cell phone etiquette. Parents chaperone or can sit on the sidelines and watch. A lot of the kids expressed sadness that when they hang out with friends they just sit on their phones. I don’t think your daughter is the only one with a watch and not a phone, and I think it is our job as parents to set boundaries for our kids (which they may act like they dislike but will appreciate when they are older).

[expectantsteelerfan]

It sounds like your dd is genuinely missing out on some interactions because of her not having a phone (whether it's truly being left out of because of her own perceived 'outsiderness' keeping her from allowing her to join in). So at this point I would re-examine why you wanted to 'wait till 8th' and if there are any valid reasons for that deadline or if it was more an arbitrary deadline you were trying to meet and if you can compromise with getting her a phone that she can text on, but still limit social media (which is the real culprit of many evils IME).

Your dd may still feel left out if you limit social media, and also depending on what kind of phone you get her as pp's mentioned. We are an android family, so while we got both my kids phones when they turned 12, we will not allow them to get iPhones, even if they would buy them with their own money at this point, because the parental controls wouldn't be compatible with dh/my devices. So dd complains that she is still left out of some group chat stuff according to her, and I feel bad about that, but she could find ways to be included if she really wanted to (like using her old iPod, which she claims is old and 'glitchy and slow' because she downloaded too many things and doesn't want to take the time to delete stuff, so that's on her). DD also complains that I won't let her get TikTok or SnapChat. I recently let ds get Instagram with the caveat that I follow him. He doesn't plan to post anything, his friends were just sharing videos from there like they do from youtube. So I allowed that (he's in high school), and dd doesn't 'get' the difference, so she was complaining about that for a while, but it was a hard no for me still.

[abs]

DD is also in 7th and I think it would be very difficult for her socially if she didn’t have a phone. At this point the kids make all the plans and adults just say yes/no/help execute.

Honestly I think a lot of it is personality dependent and for us it’s been fine. She follows my rules (airdrop off, restrictions after 9, and I can look anytime) no problem and has her own (she exits group chats she doesn’t know everyone in basically immediately and only gives her number to actual friends). Is she on her phone more than I’d like? Yes but the positives outweigh the negatives.

[lucybrown]

I also have a 7th grader and at some point watches became "babyish". My kid didn't complain, but it came up in conversations. She did complain a little about having really limited ability to text friends with the watch.

We planned to hold out as long as possible, but did a complete 180 last summer. She was unable to text with any of her BFFs. I hated planning communication going through my phone. So, between 6th and 7th, we decided a phone was best for everyone. She already had a WIFI-only iPhone, we just added cellular service. Our phone bill actually went down when we added another line and ditched the Gizmo watch.

It is super locked down and she mostly follows the rules very well. It has been a positive experience in our household and I have no regrets.

[mrsGreeko]

I have a 6th grader without a phone. I also have a 9th grader and a college freshman that were given phones when they were 11.

I have such massively mixed feelings about phones. Obviously my youngest did not get a phone at 11 like his sisters. I think phones are basically the devil. BUT, that said I also have recognized that, especially for girls, there is a point where they start being left out of things and they will go to great lengths to avoid that feeling. I was a hard no on Snapchat, and my oldest told me everyone stopped texting in 8th grade and the only way anyone talked to you was if you had snap. I thought she was over blowing everything. She got herself a burner phone for $10 at school.

So when my middle DD started telling me the same thing about snap I just let her get it so she wouldn’t get a burner.

My DDs have definitely expressed frustration that anyone is on their phone anymore and no one talks to each other. That really does happen. If you don’t have the preferred way to communicate people do stop communicating with you, that really does happen. That all said, there are definitely downsides to phones. You, as the parent, get to decide which is the lesser of two evils.

[frlcb]

We gave both our kids phones at 12, so end of 6th grade.

I see my 7th graders friends without phones (she has 2 in her close group of 8) and they are OBSESSED with everyone elses phones when they are together. I think them not having them makes them want to be on it more, where the ones who have the phones don't use them that much when they are together. It is tough.

We don't allow any social media yet for our almost 13 year old. My 16 year old had snapchat and got rid of it and I actually wish he still had it because I think he misses out on social stuff by not having it. But I am not going to make him redownload it.

[twinmomma]

We got Gabb phones when they turned 11, as they headed into 6th grade. They have to walk places after school this year so I wanted them to have something but I knew we weren't ready to leap to iphones. The Gabb phones are nothing fancy, but they get the job done. They can call and text. The biggest complaint is that they can't Facetime with other people and that's how they like to hang out with their friends. But they can do it with their ipads when they're at home and more easily monitored, so I haven't taken that complaint seriously yet.

[kitty]

Mar 18, 2024 13:14:17 GMT -5 niq said:

I am a squish, I think you should get them a phone and just lock it down. Both Apple and Android let you opt-in to specific apps and websites rather than opt out. Being able to text your friends to chat or set up times to hang out seems good. You get app usage reports, so you can take it away if you see that they're using it to goof off instead of socialize.

V is in 5th grade and has a phone. He can use it for calls, text/Google Chat, Wikipedia, and Murdle. He can get to Google Doodles, so sometimes he will goof off by googling "emoji kitchen", but not for very long. He takes it to school on Fridays so that he can go to a coffee shop after Theater Backstage and be in touch with mom & dad.

At the middle school where I volunteer, the big problem is laptops, not phones. The school rule is phones stay in backpacks and almost all of them respect it, even after school hours. But with the laptops the boys constantly find games that are not blocked by school IT and play them. It's an endless cat and mouse game. And of course the games that aren't blocked are lower quality than the games that are. Multiplayer gaming is kinda sorta social, and they try to convince me that these games involve math in some way, but it's a big waste of my time to police it.

I wish our district had that rule but phones are out a lot at school. My DD said a few teachers had plans early on this school year to collect phones during that class period but only half of the kids turned them in and the teachers didn't push it and ended up abandoning it. Another district in my state tried to ban phones during school and the parents freaked out and they overturned the policy. We unfortunately are not far from the site of a very well known school shooting tragedy and parents want to be able to contact their kids at all times because they are worried about safety and emergencies.

[kitty]

Mar 18, 2024 13:15:43 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

It sounds like your dd is genuinely missing out on some interactions because of her not having a phone (whether it's truly being left out of because of her own perceived 'outsiderness' keeping her from allowing her to join in). So at this point I would re-examine why you wanted to 'wait till 8th' and if there are any valid reasons for that deadline or if it was more an arbitrary deadline you were trying to meet and if you can compromise with getting her a phone that she can text on, but still limit social media (which is the real culprit of many evils IME).

Your dd may still feel left out if you limit social media, and also depending on what kind of phone you get her as pp's mentioned. We are an android family, so while we got both my kids phones when they turned 12, we will not allow them to get iPhones, even if they would buy them with their own money at this point, because the parental controls wouldn't be compatible with dh/my devices. So dd complains that she is still left out of some group chat stuff according to her, and I feel bad about that, but she could find ways to be included if she really wanted to (like using her old iPod, which she claims is old and 'glitchy and slow' because she downloaded too many things and doesn't want to take the time to delete stuff, so that's on her). DD also complains that I won't let her get TikTok or SnapChat. I recently let ds get Instagram with the caveat that I follow him. He doesn't plan to post anything, his friends were just sharing videos from there like they do from youtube. So I allowed that (he's in high school), and dd doesn't 'get' the difference, so she was complaining about that for a while, but it was a hard no for me still.

I guess part of this post is trying to untangle whether she's truly being ostracized for not having a phone or if it is just something she is worried about. I'm not as convinced as she is that the phone will solve all her problems lol.

I think the wait until 8th thing is somewhat arbitrary and is/was more of a wait as long as possible that is still somewhat socially acceptable. I don't love what I have seen and heard about the other girls she is friendly with who have phones and a lot of them don't have social media yet or any 'serious' cyberbullying happening yet:

1) A lot of them seem to be obsessed with skincare and makeup via endless videos on youtube and tiktok. While this could be a harmless artistic hobby for some, I think it's the gateway to having a teen who is way too invested in how they look and has unrealistic images about how they should look and feels like they aren't good enough.

2) When our same aged neighbor first got her phone last summer, she and DD took a lot of funny and silly photos when they were hanging out around the neighborhood in July and August. Once school started, neighbor deleted all of the unattractive shots of herself but kept the ones of my DD and zoomed in so they would look odder and showed/sent them to other girls on the bus and at lunch.

3) When I picked DD and a friend up at school to take them to Starbucks and the mall, friend immediately pulled out her phone and had her face in it the entire ride.

4) This same friend's mom told me over the weekend that another girl has been texting friend daily this entire school year asking to copy her homework in basically all classes. Friend has been giving in because she was afraid to say no but has been upset about it. The mom just recently figured out what has been going on because she saw a text before her could daughter delete it. I suppose the cheater could be doing the same thing in person pre-phones but she wouldn't have the same kind of all hours access to be hounding friend incessantly.

[dontlook]

Honestly, I bet she is missing out. It freaking sucks so much. I was firmly no cell phone until HS but ended up caving because DD came home crying daily. She got an old iPhone that she could *only* text or call on for 1 year. No social media, no internet, no games. I did let her get the Libby app to read books. She got an updated phone for Christmas and has much more access and we are still navigating this. I’m still holding firm on no Snapchat and I’m reminded daily that I’m ruining her life. I’m fine with that. She has other ways to interact with her friends and this is my limit.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It’s so hard trying to balance everything.

[erbear]

You are not ruining her life. 7th grade is about the time when they do start texting more (though the group chats are just "hi"...over and over again...). If it's about her not being included in stuff because she's not on the group chat, and she can send and receive texts on her watch, I would hold firm. If she's genuinely missing out, that's a different story. If the kids are making fun of her, that's a good lesson in standing up for yourself.

I wish for her (and all the kids') sake the school would follow through on the phone ban -- middle school kids should not be on their phones at lunch. Socializing is part of learning.

All that to say it depends on the situation whether I would cave or not, but you're not ruining her life.

[lilac05]

I have a 13 year old 7th grader with an Apple Watch and no phone. I think it’s a little different for boys than girls, plus he swims 5-6 days a week with his closest friends, so he still gets a lot of socialization time that way. We will likely get him a phone before 8th grade, even though I don’t even feel good about that age.

The neuroscience that is emerging about our constant reliance on technology honestly freaks me out. It’s not just mental health, it’s neurologica/overall brain health, too. We already have an ADHD diagnosis and a family history of it, I feel I need to do everything in my power to protect my kids’ brain health, focus, and attention span. If that comes at a short-term social cost, I’m OK with that. Thankfully, we have talked about it a lot, and he trusts that I know what I’m talking about and am making hard decisions now that I absolutely believe are what is best for him. (I just listened to a great Huberman Lab podcast about this the other day on a road trip. I would recommend it, but it’s 3 hours long!)

[penguingrrl]

My experience has been that by 6th grade the kids really are kind of left out if they don’t have a phone. It really stinks and isn’t a deliberate thing. My town is a big biking/walking town and the parents stop planning stuff for the kids by the end of 5th or so. At that point most plans evolve on text groups. They’ll all be texting and bored, make plans within the chat to meet up on bikes, then update the group chat as they ride around town and people can find them and join them, but only if they have a phone to be part of the group chat. None of the kids has anyone’s parents numbers, nor would they be willing to call/text a parent to invite them because that would be awkward (way moreso than calling a friend’s house in our generation and having a parent pick up since it’s no longer the standard).

I finally caved by the end of 5th with the older two and am about to with my son (he’s currently in 5th). It’s not my favorite, but I also don’t like seeing them left out. My rule is that at that age the phone is locked from 9 pm- 7 am and is downstairs charging. I read through the texts to see what’s going on and have a sense of things (and in my kids groups the parents all do that) and to make sure they’re handling the responsibility appropriately.

I didn’t allow social media anywhere near that age, though. My oldest got their first social media as a HS freshman when I found out that school activities (marching band, swim, science league, etc) all used insta as their official communication channels for the kids, so not having it meant not being up to date on rehearsals and practices, so it because a necessity earlier than I hoped (my kid started HS a week after turning 14). I’ve also been told now by said teen that giving out your phone number is reserved for very close friends and people you trust in HS because it’s easier to create a new insta account and readd the people you want if a relationship/friendship goes sour and turns into harassment than to change your phone number (which is honestly not bad thinking at all).

We do not allow Snapchat or TikTok at all, period (for very different reasons) and neither of my older two has been bothered by that. They can have those if they want them when they’re old enough to pay their own bills, but they won’t be on devices I own ever.

The plus side is that by 6th grade my oldest had group chats going for various classes. When there were questions about homework or someone didn’t understand a topic they would ask and someone in the group always helped. They currently still have that going for all their HS classes and it has been a godsend. Instead of feeling isolated and alone not understanding something, they have a community to reach out to. They aren’t afraid to look stupid because everyone has asked questions at one point or another and they don’t have to wait until school the next day to clear up hard questions (and currently it’s used most often for AP physics and pre-Calc, neither of which I took ever so I can’t help). I wish I had been able to get help from peers, or even just a copy of the homework if I forgot something at school, when I was their age.

[dontlook]

Mar 18, 2024 16:02:26 GMT -5 erbear said:

You are not ruining her life. 7th grade is about the time when they do start texting more (though the group chats are just "hi"...over and over again...). If it's about her not being included in stuff because she's not on the group chat, and she can send and receive texts on her watch, I would hold firm. If she's genuinely missing out, that's a different story. If the kids are making fun of her, that's a good lesson in standing up for yourself.

I wish for her (and all the kids') sake the school would follow through on the phone ban -- middle school kids should not be on their phones at lunch. Socializing is part of learning.

All that to say it depends on the situation whether I would cave or not, but you're not ruining her life.

I wish they would ban phones at school too. DD said no one talks on the bus unless it’s to show each other stuff on their phones. It’s sad. I try doing way less tech time at home to make up for the time she spends on it on the bus.

[wanderingback]

I don’t know anyone personally who has given feedback on a specific brand but I’d get a phone like the Bark phone where you can just text and call and there is no internet or apps available. I do think should be able to call friends and these days since home phones aren’t a thing then need their own phone.

I feel like no good can come from social media so no need for that in 7th grade with a personal account/access.

[fancynewbeesly]

My 7th grader got a phone at the end of 5th grade. She got an iPhone SE---honestly, it has been fine. We wanted it so she had more freedom to explore everything---we have a lot of kids in the neighborhood-plus she was staying home by herself. And truthfully, the watches in my mind were always kind of annoying.

It has been fine. She does have rules about it---we flat out do not allow social media is the biggest rule and that we can check her phone whenever we need to.

She hasn't complained about either rule. I would say MOST of her 7th grade friends have a phone--there are two hold outs. But only 50/50 have social media--so she definitely isn't alone in the no social media part. She has not asked for social media---she does watch YouTube though, but for the most part it is animal crossing videos, drawing or art videos.

She also does not care about brands or anything, so I think she would be fine with any phone---just someway to reach her friends and make plans.