This is what happens when your partner is a spender

[flygirl]

Lately H has been talking about all these things he wants to buy, first it was a truck which we bought last year, then it was a smoker which he got for a Christmas gift and now it’s a 20k four wheeler.  We live in suburbia and the only time he would use it is when he goes ice fishing or hunting, so probably <15-20 days out of the whole year.  I don’t really ever say anything if he uses his own fun money for it, but last night I told him that a friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in years reached out and wanted to get together.  She recently got married and bought a house as she had gotten an inheritance.  H immediately says “at least she gets to spend some of it instead of squirreling it away.”  I have mentioned in another recent post that I received a small inheritance from someone who was like a mother to me and haven’t done much because nothing feels right.  I can tell you without a doubt that a darn 20k four wheeler does not feel right. But apparently that’s all H thinks about - what can he spend it on.  I just ignored him because that conversation will go nowhere.  I think that’s so ingrained in his brain-his WHOLE family are spenders that he just can’t comprehend it being saved or not used for a random toy.  He literally becomes obsessed that there is money there. 

[atarianna]

I am sorry. My H and I are both savers by nature and I am so grateful for it. I can see where having 1 saver and 1 spender or two spenders would be so financially stressful.

[quesyrah]

I am a spender by nature. My husband is a saver and 20 years of being with him has taught me how to balance the two. My natural inclination will always be “how much do I have to spend” and not “how much can I save.” The one thing I’ve never done luckily is spend money we don’t have. Sometimes you just have to put your adult pants on and not blow through money. Even though that sucks lol.

My parents died in 2022 and I got a rather large inheritance. I had no guilt at all spending it and I tried to do things that would make my parents proud. I feel like I managed to balance having some fun that we otherwise couldn’t afford and being responsible. DH really made no comments about what he thought I should do with the money.

DH’s mom died last month and he’s also getting a rather large inheritance. He won’t even talk about what he thinks he wants to do and the money will probably just sit for a long time. And that’s okay. He did the same thing when his dad died 15 years ago and he got a small inheritance. Eventually we did use that money to buy a minivan.

Everyone is so different when it comes to how they handle inheritance and there is really no right or wrong way to spend it.

[dr.girlfriend]

That sounds really rough. My DH is more of a spender, and I am more of a saver, which is always interesting to me since I grew up very financially secure and he grew up very financially insecure -- I would think that it would be opposite, but I guess if you're used to not having an emergency fund it doesn't bother you as much.

That said, we have a good system in general, in that I have a very steady income and he has the latitude to take risks, and he generally follows my lead for financial stuff so even though we started late we're both in good shape for retirement, etc.

I think in general it makes us a good match -- I talk about big expenses but am slow to pull the trigger, and he's the one who pushed us to build our addition (in perfect timing for COVID). He's also the one who usually gets us to actually book the travel instead of just planning it.  As time goes on I've really tried to become more free with my spending, so I'm balancing enjoying the present and not saving for a potential future that I may not be around for.

That said, I think it would really bug me if he wanted to lay out big on something that would benefit him alone, *especially* if it was money from my family that he would be mentally spending. I can understand why you're peeved.

[sadlebred]

I'd be honest with your H. Let him know that it isn't HIS money, and it's not getting spent right now. Under no circumstances is he to buy the ATV. Also, surely there are used four wheelers out there that cost a LOT less.

ex-H was a "save to spend" person but would never go into debt other than a car or house payment. Let's do X or buy X or do this. He/We'd save for it, and then every cent was spent on the project, trip, or something. Probably why we never had much savings, but we did take some nice trips!

[flygirl]

The interesting part is that both H and I grew up in financially insecure homes and while I did some stupid stuff when I was in my early 20s I didn’t want to live one paycheck away from getting thrown out of my apartment so I started saving and paying off debt. If H has fun money to spend, he will literally spend the last penny. I will say that we always talk through large purchases if it’s bought with joint money. He had a friend that got $40-50k in credit card debt before his wife found out and I have said many times before to H that it would have been a dealbreaker for me as I wouldn’t be able to trust my future security. Clearly I have my own issues with money but I’ve never had that desire to have more toys.

[wildrice]

I'm sorry - I know that is so stressful. That's exactly how my XH was, and mine would have probably just gone out and purchased what he wanted and dealt with the fallout vs waiting for me to say yes - so I guess it's good that your H doesn't do that, at least. Still, I can see how frustrating it would be to be guilt tripped about an inheritance that is yours. In your shoes I think I'd try to shut that down completely - it is my inheritance and I will not entertain any further conversation about what to do with it. But of course setting that boundary doesn't mean he will respect it.

My now H is very frugal and if anything I'm the spender in our relationship. That was definitely a factor in why I was comfortable moving forward with our relationship - it would have been very hard to convince me to marry another spender, knowing how much stress it brought me. I hope you can find a way to move forward in your marriage with less stress around this!

[Stan]

I'm perturbed on your behalf that he's thinking about how to spend your inheritance. I agree with sadlebred, I'd be having that conversation now. I really sympathize with you, my XH was a big spender and though I like to spend on experiences, inheritances can be very emotional. I don't know if you read the thread about them in January or so, but there is nothing wrong with letting it sit until you feel ready.

[puppylove64]

I’m sorry. I’m a saver and Dh is a spender. We have had many a fights about it. Thank goodness he had come to the realization that if there is ever something we want, I “magically” have money for it. We each have our own fun money and big money decisions are shared. If he wants something big, and I say no, he usually jokes that it is ok, cause he knows I always come through when it really matters. He does make good money and I try not to dictate him, but he is starting to understand that sometimes I help him not make rash purchases. And sometimes he convinces me to splurge a little on myself that I might not otherwise 🙃

[simpsongal]

I'm sorry - we have friends like this (spenders), it's just how they're wired.

I don't think I regard inheritance the same way as others in this thread. I know technically it's yours even though you're married. But I'd be a little offended if DH considered his inheritance his and not ours/the family's. That's how we've treated cash influxes in our marriage. We've jointly decided how best to spend the money and it benefits all of us.

Having said that, no way would I be ok spending that kind of money on something so frivolous.

[wildrice]

Mar 28, 2024 7:21:28 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

I'm sorry - we have friends like this (spenders), it's just how they're wired.

I don't think I regard inheritance the same way as others in this thread. I know technically it's yours even though you're married. But I'd be a little offended if DH considered his inheritance his and not ours/the family's. That's how we've treated cash influxes in our marriage. We've jointly decided how best to spend the money and it benefits all of us.

Having said that, no way would I be ok spending that kind of money on something so frivolous.

I probably would treat an inheritance the same way - as something that jointly benefits us - but I would hope that my H would not try to push it to be spent sooner than I was ready to spend it, or on something that I don't want or don't care about. Certainly if we needed a new car or roof or something that would be reasonable to push for, so I guess it's super situation dependent! I do think that if it's being used for something optional, though, that the person who inherited it should be the driver of that decision (or at least the heavier weight in the decision) since there is a lot of emotional stuff wrapped up in inheritance. 

[quesyrah]

Mar 28, 2024 8:54:49 GMT -5 wildrice said:

Mar 28, 2024 7:21:28 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

I'm sorry - we have friends like this (spenders), it's just how they're wired.

I don't think I regard inheritance the same way as others in this thread. I know technically it's yours even though you're married. But I'd be a little offended if DH considered his inheritance his and not ours/the family's. That's how we've treated cash influxes in our marriage. We've jointly decided how best to spend the money and it benefits all of us.

Having said that, no way would I be ok spending that kind of money on something so frivolous.

I probably would treat an inheritance the same way - as something that jointly benefits us - but I would hope that my H would not try to push it to be spent sooner than I was ready to spend it, or on something that I don't want or don't care about. Certainly if we needed a new car or roof or something that would be reasonable to push for, so I guess it's super situation dependent! I do think that if it's being used for something optional, though, that the person who inherited it should be the driver of that decision (or at least the heavier weight in the decision) since there is a lot of emotional stuff wrapped up in inheritance. 

I agree with this.

We both think of it as our money, but there can be a lot of emotions surrounding inheritance. It can be difficult to grapple with the fact that you only have the money to do XYZ because your loved one is dead.

[bee20]

It's tough, perhaps instead of dodging the question remind him he can sell one of his other "toys" if he wants a 4-wheeler. I'd be especially hesitant to co-mingle inheritance money with someone with a spending problem because if you ever did separate the money could be gone.

[gt7301b]

We have received small infusions of money since we have been married and for the most part we have just treated it as joint money.  However, we were on the same page with regards to the things we wanted to spend the money on.  There is no way I would be comfortable with spending the money on a four wheeler.  Since you haven't talked about it I would have a conversation about not buying the four wheeler with him so he can't pretend he didn't know.  I'm not big on separate accounts but in this instance I would make sure the money is in account he doesn't have his name on.

[mofongo]

I’m sorry, that would really bother me! I’m also in a different situation as H and I align financially. A 20k 4-wheeler is a ridiculous purchase, even more so if it’s used infrequently.
Regarding inheritance, for us it would definitely be ‘ours’, but after losing my dad I know that the emotions that come up after such a huge loss can be *very* surprising. I could see myself not even wanting to think about the money for a long time due to grief. Someone else may have the complete opposite reaction, and neither are right/wrong. Grief is a mindfuck.

ETA: and I’d be pissed if my H wanted to use my inheritance for a f’ing 4-wheeler!!!

[Stan]

I agree with everyone in that I consider my inheritance money our money though it's not comingled. It's included in our HH net worth spread sheet and I will not hesitate to use it for joint purchases in the future, but a 4 wheeler you don't want isn't joint. My bio father's wife treated my grandmother's death like a pay day and it's just so insensitive. That's really what frustrates me on your behalf. Dancing around about the potential for a big solo want purchase whilst you're emotional and grieving is gauche and not acceptable as your partner.

[Roc A Bee]

Oh I’d be pissed at his comment. wtf why would your inheritance go towards HIS toy? I mean unless you got millions, and this is a drop in the bucket, wtf.

[flygirl]

Not millions 🤣
I wish it were enough to pay off the house because I’d do that and I know that would have made my relative happy as well…I will let it grow for awhile.

[sadlebred]

flygirl So we take it the ATV/4 wheeler is a no go? We are dying for an update!

[flygirl]

Ha sadlebred, there will be no 20K 4-wheeler. We have not talked about at all but ironically a friend of his actually had an old one in his shed and gave it to H. It’s an old one (only worth about $1.5k) and needs about $300-400 worth of parts but he’s happily working on it. The friend who gave it to him is quite wealthy and told him it would be stupid to buy one when he could have that one and fix it up even if it’s not exactly the type he wanted.

[sadlebred]

flygirl Now that's a MM win!