Kids and academic stress

[AdaraMarie]

Does he have a favorite teacher? I would sit down with him and the teacher he is closest to and describe what is going on so that DS can hear directly from the teacher what the expectations are. Then maybe have check ins every couple weeks or so. I would also email the teachers and counselor and ask them to stop asking him to do extra things for them. It is clearly too much.
My DD is in 8th and can be a perfectionist but having a close connection with her teachers really helps her.
Is he identified as gifted or receiving any services like that? Where my dd goes the gifted kids also get instruction in social/emotional skills because they can be so hard on themselves and others.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Dd's perfectionism and generalized anxiety led to OCD symptoms in unrelated areas. It took almost a year of therapy to fully see how they were related. She's been on Zoloft for over a year and is doing SO much better, but still has issues where she feels overwhelmed or stressed by both school and after school activities even though we've found a much better balance for her life this year than we have in previous years. She is in bi-weekly therapy and that helps a LOT for getting to the root of why she feels this way (like just a few weeks ago her math teacher really stressed that he'd like all his students to take this optional math league test that was during their usual free time, so she took it, but it was a lot harder than she expected and she thought she did horribly on it, and then she didn't have a chance to get her homework done because it took the whole free period, so she was upset after school and didn't want to go to dance because she was worrying about getting her homework done and just really needed time to decompress. Then she got the results of the test and came in 2nd place in her grade).

[JayhawkGirl]

Look at next year’s schedule and get some breaks in there. Choir - my son loves it, and it’s a different pace and part of his brain for the hour. Cooking. Study hall. Take a damn breather.

The college talk starts so early at the school level too. So many parents came to me freaking out after the high school intro night - the conversations focused almost entirely on college credits, not here’s how we will grow your child to discover what they are interested in and how to be a lifelong learner and community member. Just college hours. For our 13, maybe 14 year olds.

I was the ultra academic kid. Ulcer at 17. The best thing I did was drop honors government second semester and take sewing.

Work in relief hours in the school schedule

[lilac05]

Apr 1, 2024 13:10:37 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Apr 1, 2024 12:22:05 GMT -5 karinothing said:

No kidding. I was watching some college acceptance videos on tiktok and I literally have zero idea how the heck anyone gets into college these days. I mean these kids have amazing backgrounds and still get rejected! 

From T20 colleges.

Plenty of colleges will take these kids, but too many kids are applying to all these elite schools and think that all other schools suck/beneath them.

Agreed. So much of this falls back on us as parents and educators, too. We push to make sure that they get into the “best” preschools because it’ll get them into the best kindergarten, which increases their odds at…on and on and on. And then they find themselves in these schools where they are under so much pressure and surrounded by other kids who are also under so much pressure. It feels impossible to get off of the hamster wheel. So many kids don’t even know how to have fun anymore because their world has been created to not allow time for that. They (and their parents) need to know that it IS possible for a 13 year old kid to still have time to play outside with friends and have fun and not always worry about everything.

Kids need to know AND believe that we mean what we say when doing just OK is perfectly OK. Their happiness and mental health is worth more than any test score. They don’t HAVE to get straight As, they don’t HAVE to get into THE college. There are paths to success and fulfillment and happiness that DON’T involve the perfect transcripts.

When I was a kid, my parents and teachers would have said that I liked to get recognition for my grades and hard work. I acted like I was and smiled and said “thank you”…but it was embarrassing and put more pressure on me. In addition, I carried the weight of knowing that it felt like crap for some of my friends who weren’t so lucky as to have school stuff come easily. They often worked a lot harder, but I ended up with the praise. I’d push for that to stop immediately. It’s unnecessary pressure…and it’s fueling the added pressure from his peers.

[abs]

One other thing that is helping us is monthly “fun” family dates. When everything came to a head this past fall DD had a complete meltdown about how we never do anything fun anymore like the zoo or NASA. Honestly she was right. Part of it is she didn’t seem interested in those outings anymore but also we just got complacent. So that day she was sent home we dropped everything and went to NASA. This year we’ve also been to the zoo, a baseball game, and have a few things on our list the next few months. Having something to look forward to has helped us all.

[karinothing]

Apr 1, 2024 13:38:39 GMT -5 JayhawkGirl said:

Look at next year’s schedule and get some breaks in there. Choir - my son loves it, and it’s a different pace and part of his brain for the hour. Cooking. Study hall. Take a damn breather.

The college talk starts so early at the school level too. So many parents came to me freaking out after the high school intro night - the conversations focused almost entirely on college credits, not here’s how we will grow your child to discover what they are interested in and how to be a lifelong learner and community member. Just college hours. For our 13, maybe 14 year olds.

I was the ultra academic kid. Ulcer at 17. The best thing I did was drop honors government second semester and take sewing.

Work in relief hours in the school schedule

It is somewhat frustrating because he is in immersion so he only gets one elective (which is band). His other elective spot is taking up by Spanish language arts. He does do some of the after-school clubs (design and engineering and has a big car show Thursday, then I think its done for the yr). It is hard not to get caught up in elite college stuff and I tell myself it doesn't matter (especially because I doubt we could even afford them!). Also i went to community college and then a state school and it was fine! 

[JayhawkGirl]

I see. My daughter’s in an immersion program, but it switches to one hour of language in middle school. They have the option for an additional elective hour filled with target language content, but we will actively dissuade her from doing that, in favor of other electives to explore new interests, and frankly lighten the academic rigor.

Hang in there. You are doing a great job listening to his concerns, validating them, and pursuing help/relief. Never underestimate how significant that is.

[imimahoney]

I have a 6th grader so a lot of what you wrote hits close to home. I am sorry that he is struggling.

Does his school operate on the Team model? If yes, I would ask to speak to all Team members and loop in which ever support person works woth the team. It sounds like he needs a lot of support at school.

[raleighnc]

It could just be a hard transition, but a lot of kids who are barely hanging on with anxiety in elementary are no longer able to cope alone in middle. Glad you made an appointment. When DD was diagnosed, we thought she just had anxiety about medical/dental procedures, then her psychologist called me in and showed me the list of like a dozen things that she was worrying about that week (dogs running away, me dying, etc.).

She always had a hard time falling and staying asleep (she also has ADHD), but after starting meds for both, she no longer struggles with that, thankfully. She has to get up at 6:15/6:30 and we enforced an 8pm bedtime until well into 8th grade (and that's still officially bedtime, but we aren't as militant).

She did an anxiety group where they worked on different strategies - it was a little young for her but she already knew the strategies from individual therapy. But she still liked it.

DD likes to say that everyone needs therapy 🤣, and you can either struggle early like her (in elementary) and already have coping mechanisms in place in middle school, or you struggle late (middle and high) and have to figure all that out it a much higher pressure environment.

Good luck!

[karinothing]

raleighnc, that is what I told DS. Basically that it is best to get this figured out now so that he can have good strategies for later in life.

[karinothing]

Apr 1, 2024 14:41:36 GMT -5 JayhawkGirl said:

I see. My daughter’s in an immersion program, but it switches to one hour of language in middle school. They have the option for an additional elective hour filled with target language content, but we will actively dissuade her from doing that, in favor of other electives to explore new interests, and frankly lighten the academic rigor.

Hang in there. You are doing a great job listening to his concerns, validating them, and pursuing help/relief. Never underestimate how significant that is.

Oh yeah, his school is still 50% Spanish up through middle school (spanish language arts, history, and science).  Thanks for the encouragement. WE did plan something special just me and him after school one day this week, which he is looking forward too. 

[abs]

karinothing I hope the week has improved for y’all.

[karinothing]

Apr 4, 2024 10:08:23 GMT -5 abs said:

karinothing I hope the week has improved for y’all.

Thank you. He has been pretty good this week. Some stress over work he missed when he was sick, but his teachers are working with him. 

[nicolewi]

Just wanted to say my oldest (9th) struggles with this also. Has straight As. Has mentioned her “life will be over” if she gets a B. Has also talked about being perfect to get into college. None of this pressure comes from us. I don’t have any clue where the college stuff comes from! She is in therapy for anxiety.

[mae0111]

I'm way behind on this, but we're having some similar stresses in our house as well. DD2 is in 5th grade, which is middle school at her school. It's a new school this year, much different than the old school - really pushing the kids to think rather than to regurgitate like their last school.

DD2 made high honors first term (all A's), which was a pleasant surprise. Second term she made honors (A's and one B+)... and she was devastated. She thinks she's stupid, can't do anything right, etc. I don't know where it's coming from, since we praise the effort and not the grades. But this week she completely melted down because she had 3 quizzes in one day, plus soccer, play rehearsal, etc. She was just crying "It's too much..." but she doesn't want to cut anything out and gets angry if we suggest it...

So we are working with her therapist and trying to encourage her... no real advice, just here to say we're in the same boat, and I hope things improve for you and your DS...

[wanderlustmom]

Our son had this and it was pronounced in 10th grade. He was desperately trying to be in the top of his class and his effort wasn’t meeting the results he wanted. Before that, he was close to being the top.

He really didn’t want a B despite that being the best he could do. For us, it was therapy and then a year later Lexapro that he’s still on in college now. He was diagnosed with anxiety. And he’s a perfectionist. For awhile he forgot how to have fun except for the soccer field. Also had depression issues for awhile too, less appetite and problems sleeping. He would cry to us too. The worst thing I ever went through was to see our son sad and so hard on himself for no reason. Not saying this is your son but our son just wasn’t himself for awhile. I went through mental health issues in high school too so I get it. I hope your son is feeling much better soon. Our son is still really competitive about his school but he can handle the pressure now.

[Jalapeñomel]

Apr 4, 2024 13:27:37 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

Just wanted to say my oldest (9th) struggles with this also. Has straight As. Has mentioned her “life will be over” if she gets a B. Has also talked about being perfect to get into college. None of this pressure comes from us. I don’t have any clue where the college stuff comes from! She is in therapy for anxiety.

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