Post by sparkythelawyer on Apr 5, 2024 9:59:02 GMT -5
Your Mother's take is interesting, and aligns with my aunt's experience. She left the wifebeating SOB she was married to, but let her son foster a relationship with his uncle, SOB's brother, as the brother was a good man and a decent person and could not have stopped what was happening in SOB's home. I say all that to say, that it sounds like if your son and this person cross paths, it sounds like your mom is not concerned for anyone's safety here.
I applaud you so hard for everything you are trying to do protect both yourself and your family, and will continue to root for you.
That will happen over my dead body and I don't think DS would have any interest but interesting.
It's interesting you said this because I think my parents feel the same way but I never thought of it like this.
Reaching out to anyone independently as an adult would be a huge disrespect to them. They truly feel that those people are "their" family and I have no business building a relationship with them independent of my parents. They feel that "my" family includes them, my sibling (who is not married and has no kids), my kids, and my husband + his side through marriage.
Occasionally I want to reach out to a cousin because of some reason, but I have to run it by my parents to make sure there isn't any drama going on. And also to know if the parents of those cousins are still alive. They literally tell us almost nothing. Their trauma is sort of being passed along to me and I'm still not sure why because they won't talk about it.
Just things to think about since your immediate family sounds very level headed and supportive of you.
sent , one of the things that has been most valuable about hearing everyone's perspectives is hearing about different ideas of family. For this and other reasons, I firmly believe that your family is intentional. My stepfather chose to be there for me. My cousin, who is the closest person to me on earth, is adopted. My BFF of 25 years is the sister of my heart; no one related by blood could be more fierce and loyal. And of course my husband and my MIL/FIL. These are the people who I chose and who chose me. I know DS will find those people in his own life. Everything else seems like an accident of DNA, which is very much against my culture but I mean, it's a brand new world.
I have struggled to wrap my mind around the idea that DS would consider them family, even though his maternal second cousins (the children of my two maternal cousins) are who he spends the most time with. I had 10+ cousins on the other side and he probably has dozens and dozens of cousins in the metro area that he's never met.
ETA: My therapist recently said to me that all the stability in my life was something I created for myself and there is so much truth in that. So, that has a lot to do with my philosophy on family. I think it is something you can MAKE, you aren't stuck with what biology presented to you.