I would 100% find another school. This will be a nightmare for you. Don’t do it. It isn’t worth it no matter how awesome the school is. You won’t change a man who doesn’t respect boundaries and now he will pull your kid into his nonsense.
My situation isn’t nearly as dire, and I have some limited contact with my dad. But I would never in a million years out my kid in a situation where she could regularly be in contact with him.
Send my son to the school and ask him not to make contact with me or my son, if he does reach out. I wouldn't contact him just to have tell him to not contact me.
Does he play a role in the school that would have significant interaction with your son? I guess that might change my answer.
I cut off a whole side of my family and it's been very easy and drama-free for me --I just simply do not engage, ever. But I'm a very "no gray area" person, so it's likely that helps me a great deal.
I think I'm following that your son is 13 and looking at attending a specific school, where your uncle works.
I feel like teenagers could brush things off pretty easily, but it may be worth asking admin if your attempts to limit contact don't work.
Honestly, I feel like I would be in burn it down, switch schools mode, but it would be hard if it's truly the right place for your son right now. How long would he be at the school potentially?
Oh man, that's a tough one. I know you say he's a great guy, but how great can he be if he consistently ignores your boundaries? But at the same time I would hate to see your son miss out on a great school because of this. I don't think the Director of Facilities would have much interaction with kids, but it sounds like this guy would be the type to seek out your son. What did your husband and son think of the uncle when they saw him? Were they uncomfortable?
Post by dancingirl21 on Apr 3, 2024 12:58:43 GMT -5
I’m sorry you are in this situation.
My first inclination is to say find a new school, but….
1. How do you explain that to your son? My understanding is that he didn’t know about your biological father at all, right? What do you tell him when he asks why he has to go to a new school?
2. What is this man’s role in the school (edit: I missed the director of facilities line). To what degree would you and your son have interaction with him?
ssmjlm , yes, that's accurate. Potentially just 7-8 grades but possibly through high school. This school is the feeder from his elementary school. He's been through a lot of change and really had a hard time when his grandfather (my stepfather) died and I'd like to minimize disruption if possible.
When you say this is the best possible school for your son, what does that mean? Are there other schools that would be adequate and this one is just a little better? Or is this one strongly the best? I think that would influence my choice - I don't think your son should end up in a worse place because of this, but if it would be fine to be at another school then I think I'd just switch.
If you think it would be detrimental to your son, then I don't know. I think you can ask your uncle to not interact with your son, but that will be hard to enforce unless you want to potentially put his job at risk. Which is an option - you can make it clear to him that you will report to the school if he crosses boundaries you've set. But I don't know if that's something you'd want to do or not.
dancingirl21, I haven't kept the fact that his grandfather wasn't biologically related to me a secret from DS. He would probably need to be reminded of it but I introduced the idea that my biological father was dead and that he wasn't nice to me or his grandmother in child-appropriate ways at times over the years, just because I didn't want it to be a family secret.
circa1978, with your updates, I would just let your son know that this is a relative of bio dad, but you don't have contact and he shouldn't either. And if he does continue to try and initiate, then to let you know and you escalate however is appropriate.
Post by followyourarrow on Apr 3, 2024 13:05:50 GMT -5
I'd find a different school. I'm putting myself in your position. I'm estranged from my dad for different, but valid reasons. There's zero chance my dad's family would respect boundaries.
This person walked up to your teenaged son while he was on a visit for the school? Because he recognized him as biologically related to his dead brother, the brother who terrorized his niece (his brother’s daughter) leading to decades of estrangement? Is that why he walked up to your son? I really need clarity on the pleasantries and/or biological connections discussed during the school visit.
Even if biology was not discussed in that particular introduction and you pieced it together later, I would definitely investigate OTHER options for your son’s education.
I think 13 is old enough for your son to hear and respect your reasoning for not having a relationship with your uncle, and for him to decide what kind of relationship (if any) he gets to have with your uncle.
I don't really know what a director of facilities is. Would he have interactions with students? In the interest of not causing more disruption to your son I think now would be the time to switch since he hasn’t actually started yet but it may be hard on him anyway if his friends are attending that school as well.
If it’s not a student interacting position I think I would leave son at the school. Reiterating to him as well as the school administration that you don’t want him interacting with your son unless it is absolutely necessary for educational purposes.
Post by mcppalmbeach on Apr 3, 2024 13:12:14 GMT -5
Wow…that is a lot. My first thought is omg switch schools. This just has the potential to be way too triggering.
On the other hand, it sounds like your son has also had some recent trauma and going to a school where it sounds like there will be familiar faces seems like a good idea.
I guess I would really take a hard look at the worst case scenarios. Your son doesn’t have the level of ptsd as you do and teenagers do have that lovely ability to be self-centered and have little respect for boundary pushers.. Is your son aware of what your childhood looked like?
This is really difficult and I have a lot of sympathy for you going through it.
As a result, my newly 13 year old son has never met anyone on that side of the family, although several of them did come to my dad (stepdad's) funeral last year. He was very, very close with his grandfather and has essentially no knowledge of my biological father.
What are the chances that man took this job, knowing your son would attend there?
That would color my reaction. If your son goes to a different school, would he try to follow him there? Because that's an even bigger problem.
I feel like keeping him at the current school, and making it crystal clear to all parties that the Director of Facilities is not to have contact with a random junior high school boy, would be easier to manage than moving him.
I am so sorry you are still having to re-live this trauma. What capacity does he work in the school, would he realistically cross paths with your son or would he have to go out of his way to do it?
I would speak with the principal and share whatever you are comfortable sharing, ask if they can avoid having this man be in the same area of the school as your son. How much does your son know about your childhood? You don't need to get into it if you aren't ready, but he should at least know that this person might try to reach out to him and that he needs to tell you if that is happening.
My H had a similar situation when he was young and it came up again as an adult - it really did a number on him and brought up all sorts of feelings he thought he had worked past. Some talk therapy is helpful even if you dealt with this topic before in therapy - it's worth revisiting.
ETA: revising my answer now that I see that your DS isn't at the school yet. If there is another school option that would be a good fit I would send him elsewhere. This is what we would do if in your shoes (H was taken out of an abuse situation by the state and as an adult had a sibling who he didn't know existed reach out to him). It may seem like an overreaction so someone who hasn't been in your shoes but who cares.
I’m wondering how he found your DH and son. Did he cross any boundaries that he shouldn’t have with school resources?
I wouldn’t switch schools. That would be a penalty to your son, which he doesn’t deserve if you can help it at all.
I’d probably do a few things. I’d ask your DH to reach out and attempt one more clear and firm request for no contact. I would also have a discussion with your son about how to handle things. If that doesn’t seem to go well, I would reach out to the school and let them know that the facilities manager is an estranged family member, and you’ve requested that he not contact you.
My questions would be, do you have any reason to think he was seeking you kid out when getting this job? That would be creepy. Does your son have a good relationship with your brother? Does your son have any interest in this family? It sounds like your son may be a young 13 if he isn't yet in 7th? My 13yo is finishing 8th now and starting high school sports in 2 months so I might have a different perspective. But I would think a teenager is old enough to know the full story and have some say in whether or not to have a relationship with them. Or at a minimum it feels like keeping him away without full details could lead to rebellion.
Ooof. This is a lot. My gut says only you can make this decision.
As for this "My paternal grandmother told me that if her son didn't want anything to do with us, she didn't either. Charming!" I can see the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Did she ever try reaching out later in life? Just curious. Is she dead now?
My gut FWIW says that I'd put my kid first and if this is the best place for him I wouldn't change my decision. How often will he really see someone who works in facilities? My gut kind of tells me to write him a letter including your reasons for wanting distance from him and ask that he respect your boundaries.
But IDK.
So sorry for all of this. It sounds very difficult. <3
Wow, what a surprise! I can see why this would have you rattled.
I think I would ask your son what he thinks / how he feels about the whole thing. Has this sparked an interest in getting to know that side of the family? Because honestly, if he's like, "Meh, I don't need them," then I think it's no problem for him to attend the school - I'd reach out to your uncle and ask him not to interact with your son, and possibly tell some other people at the school, too. But if he's now interested in exploring a relationship... I'd say that's a bigger conversation than where he's going to go to school, and how you want to handle that will inform what to do about school.
Not a parent. My gut instinct is to find a different school.
If I'm understanding "facilities" correctly (ie: responsible for maintaining the building and grounds), that seems like a role where there wouldn't be much opportunity for interacting with students.
A director of facilities is the person who maintains the building and grounds, yes? If so, they'll have very little opportunity for interaction with your son.
I don't think I'd change schools. It is just a strange happenstance that he works at the same school as your son wants to attend. I think a frank discussion with administration that there is to be no contact is warranted, but pulling your son seems to be a bigger blow to him than a help to you.
A - where does your son want to go to school? Is he "sold" on this school? Would he be upset to not go? If that answer to that is yes - then:
B - your son is old enough to know a more honest version of the truth. IF he does go to that school, I'd be upfront with him about your uncle, your past, etc. Because:
C - I don't believe for a hot minute that your uncle won't use this as an opportunity to try and forge SOME sort of relationship w/ your son. He hasn't respected your boundaries in the past. Why would he start now?
Your son may not care about who this guy is. Even if your uncle approaches him, he may not care. But that's also why I think he really needs to know WHO this guy is and how this affects you.
Back to A - if the answer is "no", this is just one school you're looking at and there are other options and your son isn't sold on any specific school, then I would absolutely look at other schools.
Side note- while a Director of Facilities may not, as a part of their job, interact with the students, they have full access to the school grounds and school events. A kid at DSs school- his dad worked in facilities for a few months last year. I saw him NUMEROUS times. Totally by chance, but he was there and absolutely around students at times.
I think 13 is old enough for your son to hear and respect your reasoning for not having a relationship with your uncle, and for him to decide what kind of relationship (if any) he gets to have with your uncle.
I agree with this. I am suprised by all the "pick another school STAT!" answers. Let your son know who this man is and why you're keeping your distances. Then let your son decide. Your son doesn't have the experiences with your dad's family. If this is a good school for him, I'd go for it.
How was he able to identify your DH and son? Had he met them before?
If your uncle used school records/resources to identify them and then was bold enough to walk up and identify himself as a member of the family, there is absolutely no way he will respect any boundaries. He WILL try to ingratiate himself to your son because he has already started.
Post by mysteriouswife on Apr 3, 2024 14:27:13 GMT -5
ML privilege bubble is showing. Swapping schools wouldn’t be on my radar. I would contact the uncle and try to have a civil conversation. Additionally, talk with the teenaged child about what they want to do. The uncle may not have contact with the child if he only handles facilities. You could request there be no contact.
Trauma isn’t easy no matter how long ago it happened. OP have you been in counseling? Can you bring this up with a therapist?
I think 13 is old enough for your son to hear and respect your reasoning for not having a relationship with your uncle, and for him to decide what kind of relationship (if any) he gets to have with your uncle.
I agree with this. I am suprised by all the "pick another school STAT!" answers. Let your son know who this man is and why you're keeping your distances. Then let your son decide. Your son doesn't have the experiences with your dad's family. If this is a good school for him, I'd go for it.
Yes, this. My parents hid a lot of things about their families and I wish they honestly told me their side of the story and whatever warnings they wanted to give me instead of keeping secrets. As I grew older, I have always wanted to know more so much more about who the people were before me and some insight into generational traumas. At 13, I think he deserves to know who this particular person is and sharing some of your genetic story (whatever you're comfortable with) as it is your son's genetic history too.
+ I have no reason to think he took the job to connect with me or my son. I think it really is just a random coincidence because DS hasn't even been formally admitted yet.
+ He did walk up to them. He recognized my husband from my stepfather's funeral (H is pretty distinctive - he's 6'4 and a strongly built guy so he sticks out in a crowd). I think my son may have been taking a placement test at the time so I'm not sure he was there. I don't necessarily think that's terrible. I think he was probably as surprised to see them there as we were to have him be there.
+ I have no idea how much contact he'd have. He clearly is there during the day and is in their administration. I don't think his employment there reflects on the school in a negative way. I have no indication he's a bad person, just someone who doesn't recognize my boundaries. And honestly, most people who met my biological father would have been charmed by him - the state of Alaska honored him when he died. That's, unfortunately, the nature of abusers in a lot of ways - they can be high-achieving, charming people.
+ DS just turned 13 a few days ago. We also kept him back a year during the pandemic. He has severe ADHD and some LDs but he's overall pretty mature. ETA: I appreciate the added perspective that he's old enough to have an opinion on this. That is a very valid point!
+ It is a private school. He's been in a small private school since second grade and I'm reluctant to take him from a place where he had the same teacher and core group of classmates for three years at a time (that's the model the school follows) to a huge public middle school when he's already had a hard time of things and struggles with transition (though he probably will go to public high school). His current school had been K-8 when we started him but doesn't currently offer a 7th and 8th grade (though they are planning to start it up again in a year or so) so that's why we're switching. It is common in our area for private schools to be 6-12, so other options where his friends are are more college prep types and I worry about him keeping up academically. This school is academically strong but offers a lot of LD support and there is the most overlap with his current school. I actually think eventually the two will merge. It is also within walking distance of our house.
+ Even if DS wanted contact with the family, I wouldn't be in favor of it. I just don't see the point. But I think most of my cousins and their kids are perfectly nice people. Just strangers, if that makes sense. I think one of them works with my husband, actually. But again, most of them have boundaries.