Post by awkwardpenguin on Apr 16, 2024 5:44:24 GMT -5
A few years ago (Fall 2021) I hired a babysitter off care.com. We're a two mom family, so I specifically sought out a male babysitter as a role model of sorts for my kiddos, especially my son. We were really lucky to find a sitter who had great references and we did the care.com background check and everything checked out. He was a guy in his early 30s, working on opening a play cafe and driving Uber and doing childcare in the meantime while he worked on the play cafe (which was waylaid by COVID for a while). It was an unusual care situation but it really worked for our family.
He turned out to be THE BEST BABYSITTER. The kids loved him, he always came prepared with fun activities, and he handled any issues that arose with the kids perfectly. Our daughter is a tough kid to babysit, but I never hesitated to leave her with this sitter because he was so adept at kid stuff. My son formed a really close bond with him, and asked for him to come over all the time, more often than we actually needed babysitting.
He last babysat for us one day at the end of February and shortly after that I texted him asking if he had availability for a specific date in April. I didn't hear back. Text a couple more times, no response. Finally on March 27th he responded with "I had to move away. I am sorry. I wish the best to your family." My wife responded that we were sorry to hear that, he was very special to us, and if we could do anything or help in any way to let us know. That's the last we heard from him.
We had to tell the kids, and my daughter took it in stride but my son was absolutely devastated. He asked when the sitter would come back, and if he'd ever see him again, and we had to tell my son that we weren't sure if or when he'd see him again. Just tonight my son asked about him again, and he was near tears talking about how much he missed the babysitter.
I'm pretty upset about the whole thing, and I'm not sure if I should contact the sitter again asking for more explanation. It feels like a really shitty thing to do to kids you took care of for 2.5 years, and I wish that he had given the kids a chance to say goodbye or have some sort of closure. Most of his family lives in the area, so I am sure he will be around at some point, but I have no idea what is going on or if he wants to see the kids. It's just so bizarre, and makes me feel like I misjudged his character somehow.
Should I contact the sitter asking for more explanation or a chance to see him to say goodbye? Is there anything else I should do?
TL;DR - Our babysitter ghosted us after 2.5 years with no explanation and I'm not sure what to do.
I’m sorry that the kids did not get a chance to say goodbye. We had a nanny and while she did say good bye it was clear she didn’t want to babysit them again after she left for another family. It was all very amicable- our kids were going back to school after elearning during the pandemic. But she has moved on and that’s great.
If the person needed to urgently move I doubt you’ll get more out of them to be honest. Nor do I think they have the band width to explain more or meet up. People who “ghost” are known to be poor communicators. Lacking in communication skills is a major trait. I’m surprised you even got the I had to move away explanation.
Post by maudefindlay on Apr 16, 2024 7:53:22 GMT -5
Contacting again would be too much and he doesn't owe an explanation. It would have been nice if he had reached out first to say he was moving, but I'd give the benefit of the doubt that he was dealing with something and just wasn't able to do all the things.
Post by awkwardpenguin on Apr 16, 2024 8:41:27 GMT -5
Just to clarify, this was an occasional sitter who babysat the kids 2-3x a month. I realize I'm not owed anything, I just really wish he'd given the kids a chance to say goodbye.
What? No, he doesn't owe you anything. Especially since it sounds like this was an occasional babysitter (February and April) and not a daily nanny that just stopped showing up.
Understand your kids loved him but this is still a business transaction, he doesn't owe you any more explanation. If your kid's favorite ice cream store closed would you demand an explanation? He already said, he had to move and is no longer available, he's not playing phone tag or leaving you unclear on the situation. Perhaps your son can write him a card or make an art project and then you as the adult in this situation pretend to send it, making it clear there won't be a response.
There is nothing to be done here. It's disappointing for your kid, but ad adult does not owe an explanation to anyone about a personal life decision, let alone someone they babysit for. This is a good opportunity to build some resilience -- sometimes, someone you love moves away and that's ok. You're ok.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Apr 16, 2024 9:27:29 GMT -5
I agree that there is nothing to be done here. It would be overstepping to ask for him to come say goodbye to your kids if he's ever back in the area. Also, how old are your kids? I understand that it's hard to see your kids upset now, but young kids are pretty adaptable and have short memories. Chances are in a year or two they won't even remember who this babysitter was (unless they are older, and if they are older they should be able to understand more that people more away unexpectedly with some more explanation and repetition). We had a part time nanny when my kids were young and dh was in the military and deployed. She was with us when ds was 3-5 years old. Then we moved away. When we hired her, I expected her to help out more with DD and allow me to have more one on one time with ds, but he LOVED her (and DD was a much easier baby than ds was), so he ended up spending a LOT of time with her. I don't think he even remembers anything about her now.
What? No, he doesn't owe you anything. Especially since it sounds like this was an occasional babysitter (February and April) and not a daily nanny that just stopped showing up.
To be clear, he babysat the kids (who are 7 and 8) 2-3x a month for 2.5 years. I needed the specific April date, but my subsequent texts were to set up dates in March and he never responded.
I think people are reacting to my obvious hurt feelings and my feeling that I should be able to DO something to fix it, and that's fair. But I'm pretty surprised people are coming down on the side that suddenly moving away without notice to people whose kids you've been taking care of regularly is just a personal choice. In my world relationships come with responsibilities, especially when kids are involved. But it seems I have misjudged the level of responsibility to my kids I should expect from an occasional sitter.
What? No, he doesn't owe you anything. Especially since it sounds like this was an occasional babysitter (February and April) and not a daily nanny that just stopped showing up.
To be clear, he babysat the kids (who are 7 and 8) 2-3x a month for 2.5 years. I needed the specific April date, but my subsequent texts were to set up dates in March and he never responded.
I think people are reacting to my obvious hurt feelings and my feeling that I should be able to DO something to fix it, and that's fair. But I'm pretty surprised people are coming down on the side that suddenly moving away without notice to people whose kids you've been taking care of regularly is just a personal choice. In my world relationships come with responsibilities, especially when kids are involved. But it seems I have misjudged the level of responsibility to my kids I should expect from an occasional sitter.
The issue is that you want the babysitter to do something to fix it for you. It is definitely crappy that he left without saying goodbye, but you have no idea what his life circumstances are. At this point, it is your issue to deal with for your kids, not his. I think this a good lesson for your kids that sometimes people leave without saying goodbye and you have to learn to accept it and mourn that loss. I also think it is important not to try to fix it, because it is a loss and it is sad and that's ok.
I'd also be careful of letting your feelings of blame to the babysitter show to your kids. You can't control other people's behavior, and while you clearly feel he owed you a goodbye and/or an explanation, he didn't.
Post by purplepenguin7 on Apr 16, 2024 9:51:18 GMT -5
I agree with others here, do not reach back out to him. He's obviously going through something personal and sounds like maybe unexpected. It's sad for your kids(and you!) but he doesn't owe anyone a reason for needing to leave and/or relocate. Sure, it would have been great if he gave you notice, said bye to the kids, and could prep them for him no longer being around but if he couldn't/didn't that's ok too.
awkwardpenguin , well I do think his communication was crappy. In March he could have responded to your texts instead of ghosting you. It may have been an urgent move where saying good bye was not feasable. Most people would "give 2 weeks notice" in this type of situation because it is technically a job. This is why I say that ghosters have poor communication skills.
I don't think that regular babysitters don't have a relationship with kids, but just that you can't force someone to give an explanation or say goodbye. I think he has made it pretty clear by his lack of communication that he isn't going to provide that. I don't think you misjudged the level of responsibility being for a 2 year part time job to give notice, but I do think if something came up there may be times where saying goodbye isn't possible especially with this kind of person. They may not have the emotional availability and communication to be able to do so. ETA- I've had a few people ghost me professionally (hiring process) and personally, so I have been learning about ghosters recently.
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it sounds like he was a much more important part of your/your kids' lives than you were in his. You saw him as a regular caregiver, but to him, it was a very part time and occasional job. Not to say that he didn't care about your kids, but I think you might be over valuing the relationship from his perspective. This also doesn't seem like ghosting to me - he told you he moved and is no longer available to babysit. From the title, I thought this was going to be about a babysitter who just stopped showing up for work.
I agree there's nothing to really be done, and I would absolutely not ask for any more explanation, because he does not owe you that. I think it would be fine to respond wishing him the best and letting him know you and the kids would love to see him if he's in the area again, or even asking for his current address if your kids want to send him a thank you card, but it would be really inappropriate to ask him for anything more.
I imagine that if something caused him to move away suddenly and unexpectedly in a way that would cause him to say “I had to move away”, it’s probably not something he really wants to talk about. If it was good, he probably would have offered it (“I got the opportunity to open my play cafe in neighboring state, so I jumped on the opportunity.”) If he didn’t offer more info, then he pretty clearly doesn’t want to talk about it.
I’m sorry that it’s so hard for you and your kids. We’ve unfortunately had to deal with something similar. My husband had a falling out with his best friend, someone who was basically like an uncle to our son, and he has completely disappeared from our lives. Best we could explain to C was that sometimes adults have big things happen, and while it may mean they can’t be a part of our lives right now, it doesn’t mean that they stop caring about you, or that they won’t return to our lives someday. We’ve acknowledged that it makes us all sad that Uncle M isn’t part of our lives right now.
Just to clarify, this was an occasional sitter who babysat the kids 2-3x a month. I realize I'm not owed anything, I just really wish he'd given the kids a chance to say goodbye.
Yeah it sucks but it happens.
Not the same but I had a professional situation with a consultant I work with on a project who completely disappeared and ghosted us on a project. I was genuinely worried about her health and about a week later I reached out to a mutual colleague and she was like I saw Susy in a zoom meeting just yesterday and she seemed just fine.
No explanation whatsoever. And the funny thing is the world I work in is a small world so I’ve had to email her for other things and yep no mention of why she ghosted our project. So who knows.
I typically give people the benefit of the doubt that maybe they’re going through something difficult. But yeah it still bugs me a bit and wish I had some sort of explanation for my personal gratification!
Post by InBetweenDays on Apr 16, 2024 10:13:38 GMT -5
I can certainly understand your and your kids disappointment. It's hard to find someone who you both trust and your kids enjoy. But I would NOT reach out to him again. Respect his privacy.
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it sounds like he was a much more important part of your/your kids' lives than you were in his. You saw him as a regular caregiver, but to him, it was a very part time and occasional job. Not to say that he didn't care about your kids, but I think you might be over valuing the relationship from his perspective. This also doesn't seem like ghosting to me - he told you he moved and is no longer available to babysit. From the title, I thought this was going to be about a babysitter who just stopped showing up for work.
Yes, that is obviously true in retrospect. My daughter has autism it was a huge load off to have a sitter I trusted with her. And my son loved his "guy time" with the sitter and was very attached. There are other sitters but those things are not easily replaceable.
I don't plan to reach out to him again, I'm getting that message loud and clear.
I am guessing you didn’t tell this male babysitter that his primary role was actually to be a male role model for your son. He thought he was just occasionally babysitting for your family as an ad hoc thing not a formal job. If you want to pursue something along the lines of a formal male role model for your son, it would probably be better to be really clear that that is what you are seeking out. If someone is in a formal role model role I would expect they would build the relationship and if they needed to end it, do it in a way that is more formal as well. I would never expect any occasional babysitter to think their role is more than occasional babysitting in which the relationship couldn’t be severed at any point in time with no issues.
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it sounds like he was a much more important part of your/your kids' lives than you were in his. You saw him as a regular caregiver, but to him, it was a very part time and occasional job. Not to say that he didn't care about your kids, but I think you might be over valuing the relationship from his perspective. This also doesn't seem like ghosting to me - he told you he moved and is no longer available to babysit. From the title, I thought this was going to be about a babysitter who just stopped showing up for work.
Yes, that is obviously true in retrospect. My daughter has autism it was a huge load off to have a sitter I trusted with her. And my son loved his "guy time" with the sitter and was very attached. There are other sitters but those things are not easily replaceable.
I don't plan to reach out to him again, I'm getting that message loud and clear.
Eh, I don’t know that it’s necessarily true that he meant more to you than you did to him. It could also be that whatever happened was really big and for whatever reason, he was unable to talk to you about what was going on (either he didn’t have the capacity to do so, or maybe there was some other reason that he felt he couldn’t explain). Sure, it would have been great if he’d been able to say “Sorry, something is going on right now and I’m unable to babysit” but for some reason he couldn’t or didn’t want to do that. It could be that you all meant SO much to him that he felt some kind of shame, or thought you’d be disappointed in him. It doesn’t make it right, either way. But it doesn’t mean that he didn’t (and doesn’t still) feel very fondly about the time he spent with your family.
I am guessing you didn’t tell this male babysitter that his primary role was actually to be a male role model for your son. He thought he was just occasionally babysitting for your family as an ad hoc thing not a formal job. If you want to pursue something along the lines of a formal male role model for your son, it would probably be better to be really clear that that is what you are seeking out. If someone is in a formal role model role I would expect they would build the relationship and if they needed to end it, do it in a way that is more formal as well. I would never expect any occasional babysitter to think their role is more than occasional babysitting in which the relationship couldn’t be severed at any point in time with no issues.
I was very clear that I was seeking a male sitter because I wanted more positive male presence in my kids lives, and especially for them to see men in caretaking roles. I interviewed him and we talked about that, it wasn't just an implicit part of the gig. My primary need was childcare though, and I don't think any of us expected how attached my son would get to him as he got older. My son was only 4 when he started sitting for us. But this being an at will employment relationship doesn't change the fact that my kids were attached to him as a caregiver.
Yes, that is obviously true in retrospect. My daughter has autism it was a huge load off to have a sitter I trusted with her. And my son loved his "guy time" with the sitter and was very attached. There are other sitters but those things are not easily replaceable.
I don't plan to reach out to him again, I'm getting that message loud and clear.
Eh, I don’t know that it’s necessarily true that he meant more to you than you did to him. It could also be that whatever happened was really big and for whatever reason, he was unable to talk to you about what was going on (either he didn’t have the capacity to do so, or maybe there was some other reason that he felt he couldn’t explain). Sure, it would have been great if he’d been able to say “Sorry, something is going on right now and I’m unable to babysit” but for some reason he couldn’t or didn’t want to do that. It could be that you all meant SO much to him that he felt some kind of shame, or thought you’d be disappointed in him. It doesn’t make it right, either way. But it doesn’t mean that he didn’t (and doesn’t still) feel very fondly about the time he spent with your family.
I agree. We don't know how he is feeling and it doesn't make sense to speculate right now. Maybe if there was more information we could make an educated guess, but there really isn't any information except that he had to move.
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it sounds like he was a much more important part of your/your kids' lives than you were in his. You saw him as a regular caregiver, but to him, it was a very part time and occasional job. Not to say that he didn't care about your kids, but I think you might be over valuing the relationship from his perspective. This also doesn't seem like ghosting to me - he told you he moved and is no longer available to babysit. From the title, I thought this was going to be about a babysitter who just stopped showing up for work.
Yes, that is obviously true in retrospect. My daughter has autism it was a huge load off to have a sitter I trusted with her. And my son loved his "guy time" with the sitter and was very attached. There are other sitters but those things are not easily replaceable.
I agree that he likely meant more to you than you meant to him. BUT...that doesn't mean that you didn't mean anything at all or he doesn't care about you or your kids a LOT! It's a time/numbers thing. I see it like when we've moved cross-country. Our first friends in a new location mean SO MUCH to us. They are THE friend(s) to us. We are just another friend for them. It's not that we're not important or they don't love us...but we're 2 of 40 to them, and they're 2 of 2 to us.
It's understandable that this is really hard for you. Letting people into our lives and trusting them with our kids on a regular basis is hard to do, and losing that without a reason is really painful. You know you're not owed a reason, but it doesn't help you not WANT one. I don't think you misjudged his character or that this is any flaw of his...it just is what it is. There could be five hundred reasons why he needed to move and could not/did not let you know. Moving is incredibly stressful in the best of times, but if the move was quick and unexpected or under poor circumstances, I think it's perfectly understandable that he didn't have the bandwidth to share it with you. I think the quick, "I had to move away" text says a lot. If you had a good relationship and he moved under good circumstances, a text might have been more likely to say, "I took a new job in X. Things all happened so quickly that I wasn't able to say goodbye before I left. Thanks for all of the great memories, and I wish you the best!" I'm guessing he wasn't responding to your texts because it was another reminder of what he had to leave behind. Some people's response to pain is avoidance, and it's easy to avoid a text.
As far as helping your kids through it, it's understandable if the grief looks similar to how it would look if he had been killed in an accident. Confusion, anger, sadness...lots of questions that don't have any good answers. I'd focus on being thankful for the great times you did share together, and wishing him well. Talk about how sometimes we have to make hard decisions (even ones that hurt other people) in order to take care of ourselves. Acknowledge that it was likely really hard for him to do, and you will most likely never know why...but you know of him to be loving and kind and compassionate, and you trust that he made the best decision he could with the information and resources he had available to him at the time.
I know this isn't what you want to hear but...he doesn't owe you an explanation. He met his obligation to your family by taking great care of your kids while they were in his care.
Post by fortnightlily on Apr 16, 2024 13:54:24 GMT -5
Agree with others that I would interpret his initial lack of response combined with the content of his eventual response to mean that there are circumstances around his move that may have been unexpected or unplanned and are therefore none of my business and that it's understandable that he may not have had the ability, capacity, or desire to give a family he babysits for a heads up. Unfortunate, but it is what it is and I wouldn't hold it against him.
What? No, he doesn't owe you anything. Especially since it sounds like this was an occasional babysitter (February and April) and not a daily nanny that just stopped showing up.
To be clear, he babysat the kids (who are 7 and 8) 2-3x a month for 2.5 years. I needed the specific April date, but my subsequent texts were to set up dates in March and he never responded.
I think people are reacting to my obvious hurt feelings and my feeling that I should be able to DO something to fix it, and that's fair. But I'm pretty surprised people are coming down on the side that suddenly moving away without notice to people whose kids you've been taking care of regularly is just a personal choice. In my world relationships come with responsibilities, especially when kids are involved. But it seems I have misjudged the level of responsibility to my kids I should expect from an occasional sitter.
I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt and would assume he has something going on in his life.
Did you all have something upcoming booked? If so, I would in general expect him to give you a heads up that he has to cancel but if he has a lot going on then it might have slipped his mind.
To be clear, he babysat the kids (who are 7 and 8) 2-3x a month for 2.5 years. I needed the specific April date, but my subsequent texts were to set up dates in March and he never responded.
I think people are reacting to my obvious hurt feelings and my feeling that I should be able to DO something to fix it, and that's fair. But I'm pretty surprised people are coming down on the side that suddenly moving away without notice to people whose kids you've been taking care of regularly is just a personal choice. In my world relationships come with responsibilities, especially when kids are involved. But it seems I have misjudged the level of responsibility to my kids I should expect from an occasional sitter.
I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt and would assume he has something going on in his life.
Did you all have something upcoming booked? If so, I would in general expect him to give you a heads up that he has to cancel but if he has a lot going on then it might have slipped his mind.
This. When someone does something out of character for them, I tend to assume that something must be going on to have led to that, not that I was wrong about their character all along.
I understand feeling sad and disappointed that the relationship ended so abruptly, but I'd try not to think of it as him doing something to you, and instead, especially given all the positive things you've said about him, that there's something bigger going on that prevented him from saying goodbye like he might have done in another circumstance.
I’m really sorry this happened, my kids would be upset as well. We’ve moved a lot so have said good bye (and haven’t had a chance to say good bye depending on the situation) and something I try to focus on is that my kids were lucky to have those people in their lives, instead of putting all the focus on the loss. It is easier in time, and of course they will have waves of sadness. We do a lot of validating feelings in between talking about fun memories.