Ghosted by Long Term Babysitter

[nsl]

Apr 16, 2024 5:44:24 GMT -5 awkwardpenguin said:

He last babysat for us one day at the end of February and shortly after that I texted him asking if he had availability for a specific date in April.  I didn't hear back.  Text a couple more times, no response.  Finally on March 27th he responded with "I had to move away.  I am sorry.  I wish the best to your family."  My wife responded that we were sorry to hear that, he was very special to us, and if we could do anything or help in any way to let us know.  That's the last we heard from him.

I’m sorry that this has been hard on your family, but this sitter did not ghost you. Whatever closure you would have ideally wanted from him, he gave you an answer for why he was no longer available. Take it from someone who was actually ghosted by a person close to her—if you’re ghosted you don’t get even this much. You wanted something from him he couldn’t provide, but he let you know why he wasn’t responding. 

[sent]

I would make up some plausible story to comfort the sad kid. "He got a job in Faraway City and is now committed to the corporate life and all that comes with it." I would not contact the sitter trying to get more details about the "why."

Not everyone will meet your expectations of how to say goodbye. It would be nice if they did, but seeing as "ghosting" is now a word, I have lowered my expectations for everyone and everything around me.

[mofongo]

I just wanted to say that your feelings are valid, 100%! I'd be hurt and upset too. People behave in ways that don't always make sense, and something definitely seems to be going on with him. Sorry that happened to your family. There's nothing you can do about it, I guess just try to explain it in an age appropriate way to your son.

[icedcoffee]

Yowser. Some of these responses are super harsh. Your feelings are all valid. This was a shitty situation. I wouldn't reach out, though I would be curious if I did something that upset him. But...he obviously doesn't really want to talk about it. I'd explain to the kids what happened. He moved away and that's all you know. Definitely don't lie to them.

[livinitup]

If I got a text like that I can absolutely see myself saying “WHAT?? How? When? Whyyyyy?” And then feel very sorry for myself that I lost a great babysitter.

I’d eventually land on “Cool, cool. That’s how we are. I see. That’s cool. Me, too.”

You didn’t misjudge his character. He was a great babysitter. It just ended before you didn’t need a great babysitter anymore. You can’t fix it for your son but you can share in feeling sad about it. That’s something to work with and do.

[quesyrah]

I can understand where you’re coming from. To you he was really important, but to him it may have been just a job.

Putting myself in his shoes, If I had to move suddenly due to personal reasons or whatever, I feel like making sure to say goodbye to the kids I baby sat would probably be low/no priority.

You can’t force him into revealing personal information he may not want to share. And you certainly shouldn’t try and guilt it out of him.

[CloudBee]

I'm really sorry. My son also forms pretty strong attachments to males in his life. Coaches, teachers at different activities, etc. He has zero steady uncles, grandfathers, etc., so DH is his only true male role model. Whenever someone leaves a business that he's attending for activities, it can be really hard on him. Right now I'm looking for a SLP to help him with a few sounds since losing teeth, and I'm specifically looking for a male provider. They are few and far between!

I don't think this sitter owes you an explanation. If he had to unexpectedly move away, he could very well be experiencing some sort of large life milestone, trauma, or be juggling too many balls at once/feeling utterly overwhelmed. I also realize that often times one side of a party in a relationship like this often feels a bit stronger about the relationship than the other side. The goodbye can be very casual for one person, and difficult on the other end. <3

Rather than question him, per se, you can ask for a forwarding address to send a letter or drawing. Maybe put them on your Christmas card list, if you have one. We have a habit of attempting to remain in contact with adults my son has become close to. Those relationships do eventually seem to fizzle out, though. But this has resulted in a few extra years of things like lunches out, meetings at the park, etc. It's been a nice way to wind down a relationship, and has always been very well accepted by the other person. Sometimes all you have to do is ask. So maybe just start with "mind if we send you a drawing and note from the kids" or "if you are ever up for a FaceTime session or visiting when you're back in town, we would love that!"

hugs

[brooke77]

Your feelings are valid for sure, but I am not sure I agree that he ghosted you. He told you he moved. Ghosting would be no response. Now, given the frequency and nature of your relationship, I do agree that it seems odd that he didn’t give you any sort of advanced notice of his move. It must have been something bad or out of his control.

I moved rather suddenly (ish) almost 2 years ago. I regret the lack of goodbyes. I just was dealing with A LOT - burying my mom, selling my home, packing all my belongings, work stuff, panic attacks, etc. I basically fired off a few texts like the ones you described and I look back now and cringe. All this to say, try not to take the lack of communication too personally. Sometimes life just blows up and maybe this happened to him. And his poor communication absolutely may not reflect how much you and your family means/meant to him.

[jeaniebueller]

I definitely understand being sad about this and mourning the loss. I would assume that he has some serious stuff going on in his life that caused him to cut ties like that.

[jobae1234]

I once had a massive family tragedy happen suddenly and by witnessing it, I was deeply traumatized. It can be hard to imagine what could justify leaving without explanation or thought, but really bad things happen to people. Really bad. All the time. If you liked him and he was consistently reliable and good to you for years, give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe put more of your mental energy into worrying about him and less into what you/your kids deserved in all this. And that’s how I’d talk about it to my kids. “He was wonderful, he meant a lot to all of us, he’s obviously going through a lot to suddenly leave town without notice. This is a sad loss for us, but I know how much you kids meant to him. Let’s hope he’s ok and things work out for him, because this was unlike him.”