Parenting Help- Tween Romance lol

[lovelovelove]

If you had/have a 10-13 yr old into the "bf/gf/liking each other" stuff-
What do you do? Lol!
What kinds of talks are you having? Any rules?
I want my kid to keep being honest and open with me but I can tell she's starting to be like "my mom is too in my business!" It's probably the awkward way I start the conversations lol
Fwiw I love this phase for her- I remember being so into it and excited. But I was such an awkward kid living in a kind of trauma situation that I couldn't handle it and had a mom not at all supportive/open to talking about it and I think it stunted my development in this area. Help!

[jamaicam]

my son (12) is there too.

I find that I get the best 'info' when I drive him around with his friends. Then they all like to talk to me and tell me the stories. WE don't have any rules really - the need hasn't come up yet. He did invite his girlfriend to his bday party (well, his little brother told me she was his gf) and I watched from a distance but it didn't seem like anything more than any other of his friends. I asked him if he wanted to buy chocolate for anyone at valentines day but that was about it.

In relation to talks, I just try and keep the lines open and make sure he knows he can talk to me whenever. He is a car-talk kid so I try and make sure we have some drives with out little brother around to give him a chance to talk if he wants.

[acr]

DS had a gf for a few months at 13-14. His friend's dad told us, lol. I tried to not be too in his business about it and not make a BIG DEAL if he brought something up. We encouraged him to make plans with her outside of school, but chaperoned them all from a distance. The rules I made were they couldn't be alone alone, but we'd generally respect their privacy. At the younger teen ages, they don't seem to do much together outside of school. They had tae kwon do together, and I wouldn't have even known they were friends if I only observed them there. lol.

I supported & helped in gift giving (steered him away from things that might be too intense like jewelry or a robe...and talked about how to consider what message the gift sent).

I think what was most important to me was to not make it a big deal. That would result in immediate shut down from DS. I played it cool...as much as we could...and neither DH nor I spent any time teasing him about it.

[waverly]

I have an 11 and 13 year old but neither of them have girlfriends or boyfriends so it isn't something I have had to deal with much. I honestly plan to encourage them to wait for actual dating. I know one of DS's friends took a girl to a school dance and something like that I think I would be OK with.

My sister met her husband at a young 14 and based on that very serious experience, I would try to delay anything serious as long as possible. I realize control is an illusion, but guiding them to wait until they are older feels right for us. I feel like what other people are talking about at age 10-13 is more the super casual friend thing probably, so we would probably treat that pretty casually if it came up.

We've really only had to deal with crushes. DD says she doesn't have one this year, and DS has one and talked to DH a little about it but not too much. There is zero possibility that DS would act on his crush. He is very shy.

[meanie]

I spend extra time tucking in my DD at night, that is when I usually get all the dirt on her social life (as well as stuff I don't need to know about every other classmate). I keep things light and fun, we joke around and hopefully she will still be as open when she is older. I don't ask her questions when it comes to this stuff per-se - if I notice her talking about one person in particular a lot I might give her a look or grin and she will roll her eyes and fill me in. 

She is not allowed to have a bf for a long time, which she knows. I have known the kids in her class since K so it's funny when she brings up one of them and I'm like omg he's such a nice boy and I love his mom! 

In every other area I am a strong believer of being a parent and not a friend, but when it comes to this I am definitely her friend because that is what she needs right now to keep the lines of communication open.

[gretchenindisguise]

L hasn't been in any relationship yet, so we haven't navigated that part. But we talk about expectations and boundaries and what's ok/not ok in relationships often. It hasn't been like one specific conversation, but as things come up naturally (or I read something here and bring it to L as a conversation point). We've talked about DV, controlling behavior, sextortion, what pics are ok to text, how to say no to texting, consent and revoking consent, to come to me if she ever feels over her head even if she thinks I'll get mad/disappointed, etc.

[InBetweenDays]

Our kids are older now (15 and almost 18) but DS did start having girlfriends when he was 12-13 (DD not until she was 16). At that age we didn't have hard and fast rules, but we did say parents had to be home when they were at a house, and they had to hang out in the common areas (when they were here they usually watched movies in our basement). But they'd go off on their own to the park or to get ice cream without a chaperone.

Our kids are fairly open with us - especially DS - so as long as our kids are open and honest with us with give them quite a bit of freedom. DS second girlfriend was not someone we loved (or even liked) so we made sure that we kept communication open and talked a TON about what healthy friendships and relationships should look like, and when things went south how healthy relationships shouldn't make him feel the way she made him feel. I find the best talks when they open up the most are when you aren't face to face, so go for a walk, or talk in the car, etc.

[InBetweenDays]

May 7, 2024 11:50:06 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

L hasn't been in any relationship yet, so we haven't navigated that part. But we talk about expectations and boundaries and what's ok/not ok in relationships often. It hasn't been like one specific conversation, but as things come up naturally (or I read something here and bring it to L as a conversation point). We've talked about DV, controlling behavior, sextortion, what pics are ok to text, how to say no to texting, consent and revoking consent, to come to me if she ever feels over her head even if she thinks I'll get mad/disappointed, etc.

Yes, we do the same. And in general we bring these topics up more as a family discussion, and not as a teen/tween lecture or "sit down and let me tell you what is right and wrong". It helps that DD has written about a bunch of tough topics as part of some of her AP classes, so it can make for good starting points. Or just starting a discussion based on stories in the news.

[abs]

I get all the dirt on what’s going on in the car. If DD volunteers to do something with me it’s because she wants to tell me something. You can’t ask directly though. Just start a conversation and it will come out. Last night it was also information overload when I was drying her hair. That was a new one, lol.

Anyways DD isn’t there yet. She has a lot of boy friends. Probably more than girl friends but isn’t ready to date. She says she values her friendships too much to mess it up. She definitely has crushes though. Dating is starting to happen a lot this year in 7th among her peers. She and her best friend walked in on a 7th grade couple hard core making out at a NJHS event and were horrified. DD was like they have only been dating for a week and they were already doing that? Mouths and hands were everywhere. I think that really surprised her.

We talk about consent and being true to yourself all the time. It usually comes up organically or from stories she tells me. One thing is as much as she tells me things from her day she shares very little about her own personal feelings. That makes it tough.

[cjcouple]

My youngest, didn't have any interest.

My oldest had a girlfriend im 8th but I didn't allow real dates so to speak.

Supervised group hang outs were fine.
They were free to have a gf IN school.
They could go to a dance with a date etc.
but they were just too young for the pressure of anything more at that age. I didn't allow gifts or anything either.

I was pretty angry with my oldest when he gave away the cross country sweatshirt I bought him with his name on it to his "girlfriend". You know he didn't get that back when they broke up.

Other than that I listened to him and obviously discussed his feelings, we discussed sex (again) and the importance of keeping his friendships active and his grades and activities come first.

It honestly was short lived (probably due to my strict rules). 🤷‍♀️

The girls in their school were nothing but drama tbh. The weekly girl fights I'd hear about that were over gf/bf jealousy issues made me glad my boys never really got involved.

My oldest is 17 and he took a date to HOCO. It never went anywhere and he said he doesn't want to bring a date to Prom. He'd rather hang out with his friends. I don't think he liked how he was kind of stuck with his HOCO date and her friends all night. lol

Oh and the 8th grade girlfriend he had, dropped out of high school and apparently spends her days high. 🙄

[cjcouple]

oh and I agree the car is a great place to get info.

oh and yes to setting appropriate cell phone expectations.

I keep seeing stuff and remembering haha

[hermione]

My 11yo told me she had a crush on Mitchell but then Mitchell was a jerk on the playground (not to her) so she canceled her crush. Seems legit.

[Roc A Bee]

I think my SKs talk the most either when I’m driving them or go into their space to chat. Something about being in their room opens them up.

At that age I wouldn’t make it to serious. The only real convo we had at that age was related to texting. Keeping things appropriate and basically sexting.

[momof2]

I think watching shows or reading books together is a good way to discuss things. This may sound silly but I’m watching Gilmore Girls with my 12 year old girl and it has helped have all kinds of conversations about sex, drinking, dropping out of school, etc. We are constantly dismayed about Rory’s choice in men post-Dean. 😀

ETA — there is also some stuff in the show that is pretty terrible in how they talk about people’s bodies, LGBTQ issues, etc. So we can talk about all that type of stuff too.

[CrazyLucky]

DS is 13 and had his first girlfriend this year. They broke up shortly after their one month-iversary. A rule we have regardless of dating is that we are allowed to look at his phone at any time. She was only at our house one time, they went in the basement and watched a movie. I did have a big conversation about consent with him, and as soon as I started, he said , "I KNOW! Dad already talked to me about it!" LOL, but I'm glad he hears a consistent message. I also talked to him about different forms of abuse and how trying to control who someone is friends with is a form of abuse. This was after I saw him texting with the girlfriend about not being friends with a certain girl anymore. Also, he had her in his phone as my thang and I told him what I thought of that and asked what he would think if someone had his sister in his phone as my thang (He wouldn't care he doesn't like his sister, he says. LOL. I know they secretly love each other, but sometimes they are very good at keeping that secret!)

Honestly, he just came to us one day and told us they were dating. Beg for forgiveness instead of ask for permission I guess. If he had asked, I probably would have said no. I can't really explain why. He's still got the little kid self centered ness about him. But, I think it ended up being a good experience. I don't think they're friends now, but they're not enemies, so that's good. Not looking forward to DD dating!

[lovelovelove]

I really appreciate everyone's input and personal experiences! Last year she had a mutual crush and I was definitely not chill in terms of asking soooo many questions so I want to be cautious of that going forward so she doesn't shut down chatting about it. I really appreciate the pp that mentioned this, I had totally forgotten.

[snapoutofit]

DS had his first GF at 13. She hung out here quite a lot. The rules were they had to stay in the common areas. I can walk into any room at any time. We’d already had the sex talk including consent, pictures, sexting etc… but something someone said above triggered my memory. She was pretty clingy and very demanding of his time. He came to us to talk when it started getting to be too much for him and asked “it’s not ok for her to tell me who I can be friends with, is it?” Apparently, she had gone so far as to grab his phone while it was unlocked and go through his socials. She deleted all his friends who were girls and blocked them.” When he broke up with her she texted him relentlessly telling him she was going to run away, cut herself. It was awful. I worry so much about raising him to be a man who respects women, respects boundaries and consent etc…but not to one a doormat or deal with that kind of manipulation/abuse.

[lab7979]

My boys had girlfriends in middle school but never really hung out outside of school until high school. Once in high school I feel like they always wanted to hang out with girlfriends at our house. They weren't allowed to do that unless we were there to supervise. I had sex talks with my kids in late middle school. It can be embarrassing but I wanted to make sure they had all the information and knew that we were ok with them asking us questions. I just told them that if they weren't mature enough to talk about sex then they weren't mature enough to be having it. One of the kids in their class got a girl pregnant in middle school and then there were several people who were pregnant throughout high school so I think it's better to have those conversations early. Surprisingly enough they were so full of questions, I was the one who got uncomfortable lol. The only other involvement I had is to encourage them to maintain their friendships and not ignore friends in order to hang out with girls. Also, my boys are kind of passive and easy going so I had to remind them once in awhile that their feelings and needs/wants matter too in their relationship. It's not all about pleasing the other person.