Tales of Mediation

[sent]

PDQ, I may delete.

I have a lawyer picked out, just have to send over that contract and check to seal the deal. After talking about our financial situation and numbers, I am going to try the mediation route first. The lawyer sent over a list of mediators and I have to research those. I'm thinking of a July timeframe to set up an appointment. We are going on a big vacation with the kids in August and maybe it would bring me some satisfaction to go on that trip knowing some plans are in motion. 

Do you have any stories to share about mediation?

I also could use some hairpats in general. I've been so down and dragging day to day to barely stay afloat at work and with the kids. I'm seriously so behind on so many things partly because it's hard to muster up the motivation and do them in the limited time I do have. My head and heart hurt so much all the time. I've been stress eating for years and it's affecting my mental and physical health very negatively. Today is technically my 14th anniversary. This weekend, I made some suggestions of things he could do to help me with the invisible labor for the kids. Stupidly, I always think in my head that the outcome is going to be a normal discussion of things followed by an amenable agreement of "OK, let me pick up some of this invisible labor for a few weeks and see how it goes, especially if this will help you get caught up." Instead, he always acts aghast that I'm even daring to talk to him about changing the way things are done because "I do more than enough around here, you don't do anything, you're lazy." (Yes, he does things. But he has plenty of free time on the weekends to help with more.) Then he picks a fight for hours to highlight all of the things he thinks is wrong with me. Sometimes there is alcohol involved on his end while all this is happening but not always. It usually ends with a declaration of "you thought I would just roll over and do whatever you say. I'm never going to do that." The next day, he acts like nothing happened, like there was no conflict the day before. A day or two later it's "Sure, we could do it your way. Look, I'm doing it your way. See? I did hear you."

I've known for a long time that this is a pattern but this weekend it really hit me that it is THE pattern. And my kids are watching this pattern - mommy feels overwhelmed and asks daddy for help, a conflict with ugly words happens, nothing gets resolved at the end of it before everyone has to go to bed. Which is probably how he turned out like this in the first place, generational trauma.

[emilyinchile]

Girl, I support you, but please delete the first part right now. I haven't even read the rest yet because I'm so nervous for you.

[emilyinchile]

Ok, I'm back. I just hate to think of him potentially lurking and finding out information that could hurt your outcome.

I'm sure it hurts a lot to really see these patterns and also think of how they're affecting your kids, but at the same time this seems like such an important step. You are aware of what's not ok and taking steps to fix it! And if you ever waver, you have the motivation of knowing how important this is to set an example for your children! These are big pieces in this puzzle toward your future freedom and happiness. Of course you're overwhelmed now, you deal with a lot and now are gearing up to add a major life change that you know will be a fight. It's going to suck for a while. But you'll get through it, and it'll be worth it, and in the meantime we're all rooting for you.

[underwaterrhymes]

((sent))

I’m so glad you’re doing this. You deserve happiness and we are all here for you. (But, yes, delete that first part.) I’m sending so many well wishes that things go well for you and your children.

[mofongo]

((sent)) I am SO proud of you!!

[sent]

May 8, 2024 21:15:21 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

Girl, I support you, but please delete the first part right now. I haven't even read the rest yet because I'm so nervous for you.

OK, I fixed it for now.

You know how some people are really good at figuring out stuff on computers? That's not either of us haha. 

[rosiebear]

I’m so sorry; he’s sucked for a long long time and you’ll be so much happier on the other side. I don’t have experience with mediation, but I have seen enough from others to know that it’s not great when one person will not be reasonable. You may be better off just trusting your attorney to go get it for you.

All the hairpats because this is hard. But it is worth it. You are.

[gretchenindisguise]

I don't have any ideas re: mediation, but I fully support you and I'm proud you are taking these steps. You have the ball rolling. It will bounce back now and then, but please keep pushing it. You will be happy once you're over this mountain.

[bee20]

Glad you're figuring it out, sorry to hear about the drag. It's necessary, but you'll feel so much lighter on the other side!

[VillainV]

I have no advice for you, but I’m so proud of you for taking any step toward ending your marriage. You deserve so much more.

[trytobearunner34]

My husband of 14 years and I separated in January. We too had patterns. Sending hair pats. Separation/divorce is hard, but living a life with a partner you don’t want or doesn’t add to your life in a positive way I have come realize was infinitely harder.

[starburst604]

I’m proud of you for taking this step! I didn’t try mediation in my case because I couldn’t trust STBX to be reasonable. If you’re going to try it, I’d just say keep it in mind that it could go sideways and then you’d both move to the traditional attorney route. If you’re ok with that, maybe it’s worth a shot.

This is the hard part - the deciding, the logistics, the pain and ugliness that will bubble up from time to time throughout the process. Keep reminding yourself that the only way to the other side is through it, but you will be a happier person and parent once you aren’t constantly resentful toward another adult who could be making your life better but won’t. I know that feeling all too well.

[penguingrrl]

Sending you hugs and best wishes! The process will sync, but the light is there at the end of the tunnel and you will be so much happier on the other side. My mom leaving out abusive alcoholic dad was the best thing that ever could have happened for me and my siblings!

[SusanBAnthony]

Go girl!!!

Agree with PP that you should be ready to bail on mediation if he is being an asshole about it. Maybe ask your lawyer to tell you went they think you should cut line. Sort of make the decision in advance that you will trust their advice,so you don't have ANOTHER decision to make.

[shauni27]

I can only imagine how exhausted and demoralized you feel, but despite that, you are DOING IT and I am SO PROUD OF YOU. Stick with it, we are all here to support you and cheer you on.

[maudefindlay]

Sending you all the best sent. I look forward to the day you are living apart from him and that you find real happiness in your life with your kids.

[simpsongal]

You're in the thick of it, be kind and patient w/yourself. Deep breaths, sometimes just handling the bare minimum is all you can do in a day. You're going to be so much happier and freer on the other side of all this!

[bcv513]

You are at the worst part right now sent. The planning and the waiting and the trying told everything together is awful. We did mediation after XH's lawyer threatened to drop him for being unreasonable. I wasn't happy about it, but I was pleasantly surprised and we avoided a trial.

Don't be surprised if your H pulls out all the stops to delay and make things as hard as possible for you. My XH literally dragged things out for an entire year. You are going to come out on the other side of this so much happier and healthier (physically and mentally).

[plutosmoon]

Sending hugs and support sent. You can do this, even if it's only one small step at a time.

Technically, exh and I mediated through our lawyers, my divorce was pretty acrimonious and exh is a difficult person to work with, even his lawyer seemed fed up by the end. We were very close to going to trial, but I think exh was running out of money (he signed over his entire house proceeds to his lawyer). I think we met about 4-5 times for several hours each time to try and come up with an agreement. He kept waffling on custody, he would not agree to any set visitation, requested times that were the most inconvenient for me (like every Saturday and Sunday afternoon from 3-7, he worked weekends, I didn't) and would not agree to child support.

I was the breadwinner with way more assets and income on my side of the equation. Ultimately, I paid him out a chunk of my retirement to equalize things, and I had to sell the house, but I got full custody of DD, with visitation at my discretion, which in the end is all that mattered to me. The rest was just stuff and money, I can always make more money.

I recommend having a list of items you won't compromise on to keep focused on, items you want but are willing to compromise on, and items that don't particularly matter to you. I also recommend having copies of important documents somewhere he doesn't know about. I believe, my exh took some of my files related to pre marital assets, but I had them saved on a google drive. It felt really good to hand my 2006 retirement statement to his lawyer, I won't ever forget the look on her face.

[sadlebred]

So proud of you!! You've got this!

[cville]

Cannot wait for you to be rid of this deadweight

[livinitup]

My sister is an attorney who did divorces for several years and then pursued all of the certifications in mediation. She talks about it as a very different way to approach divorce and advocacy. She much prefers it, it’s a better fit to how how she wants to approach a division of assets. But it is different and the mediation process had to overcome some of the worst aspects she learned as an advocate. Not a stake in the ground and fight to the death for everything legally entitled; where a winner means someone else is a looser.

She uses the example of splitting an egg. Yes, each person is legally entitled to half. Which half? How do you decide? How do you agree? How do people get what they want? Well, when you begin to split the egg one person may say “I want the yolk” and the other may say “I don’t want any yolk (yuck), I just want the white part”. No one knew that when you started to divide the egg. But low and behold, we just found a way for both of you to get what you want.

Some people want the fight. Some people want to pour money into a process just for spite. But some people, (maybe you and your H) may actually want to get through this division with something better - in the end. Mediation can be a path to that.

I wish you luck that you get to the other side and get to a happier, better place.

[sent]

livinitup, that's a great example! Thank you.

[raleighnc]

I hope that mediation is successful, but based on what you have shared about him, I would be prepared for him to do everything he can to make it difficult and drag it out because he wants to wear you down until you give up. That seems to be his MO. I like the suggestion from pp to decide in advance when to abandon mediation so it doesn't become one more power struggle. You are in control, so don't let him try to derail you. I'm very proud of your progress and strength.

[icedcoffee]

Omg..I just let out an audible "YES!" when I read your subject. Rooting for you!! You are going to feel so much lighter.

[joy]

May 10, 2024 9:22:23 GMT -5 raleighnc said:

I hope that mediation is successful, but based on what you have shared about him, I would be prepared for him to do everything he can to make it difficult and drag it out because he wants to wear you down until you give up. That seems to be his MO. I like the suggestion from pp to decide in advance when to abandon mediation so it doesn't become one more power struggle. You are in control, so don't let him try to derail you. I'm very proud of your progress and strength.

I’ve been trying to decide how to respond but this post encapsulates it. Proceed with caution, optimism, and realism. Prepare for fangs to come out when he’s pressed into facing everything. The process may become one of control on his end rather than about calm negotiations.

Head up. Stay the course. Eyes on the non-negotiables and concede on the stuff that does not matter. You got this.

[Bad Dingo]

You have SO MANY people on your side and rooting for you. You've got this! Here's to hoping that this time next year you'll have lost a significant dead weight in your life.

[sparkythelawyer]

You see the pattern, and you are deciding to stop this pattern because your kids see it and it will affect them and the lives they choose. I am SO PROUD OF YOU.

[wise_rita]

May 10, 2024 9:22:23 GMT -5 raleighnc said:

I hope that mediation is successful, but based on what you have shared about him, I would be prepared for him to do everything he can to make it difficult and drag it out because he wants to wear you down until you give up. That seems to be his MO.

I spent this whole thread thinking I didn't remember details about the OP correctly, because from what I remember an easy peasy amicable mediation is the last thing I'd expect. Though maybe I simply don't fully grasp what mediation is.

Regardless of how you get there, DTMFA!

[sent]

wise_rita , my understanding is the law says the egg must be split 50/50 and the definition of split is hardboiled, sliced lengthwise down the middle, and weighed on a scale. But if we have always known that we would rather split the egg by me getting the white and he gets the yellow or I maybe give him the entire egg because I hate eggs anyway, then mediation is where we could go to make that discussion official. Versus making that discussion official after divorce papers have been served means it has to go through lawyers which starts running the tab on both sides.

If I propose mediation and he is uncooperative, then my next step is I have to file and have him served.