I posted in MM Moms about this, but I need to talk again. My 12 year old daughter had suicidal thoughts in March, and was put in inpatient therapy. She graduated to partial hospitalization and will be returning to her regular school this coming Monday. She's improving with her medicine, but she is still fragile.
Last night, I went into her room to see if she had laundry that needed done. It was overflowing and dirty clothes were scattered all over the floor. Food wrappers, drink bottles, everywhere. Her Chromebook for school and her remote control were on the floor and I almost stepped on them. I have repeatedly told her to let me know when her laundry needs done, but she never does. She also knows she is not to have food/drink in her room.
Then, I was giving her her supper. She loves sausage and cheese, so I made her a sausage and cheese sandwich. She whined about the cheese being ON the sausage. She only likes them separate.
I lost it. I started hollering about her not respecting me, with everything I've done for her through all this. Not my proudest mom moment. I just don't know how to handle this. I can't let her rule the house, but I'm so afraid that I'll trigger her into a bad place again. My husband tried talking to her, but all she did was cry.
I haven't been in your place, but my kids are 11 and 13 and I sympathize with you. Is it possible for you to also get counseling? This is not at all the same thing and I recognize that, but when DS was in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD, the counselor worked with DH and I to help us understand what exactly was happening and what we needed to be able to do to de-escalate. It made a world of difference. Be easy on yourself. It's not an easy thing you are dealing with.
Post by lavenderblue on May 9, 2024 7:32:57 GMT -5
It's so hard, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Not the same, but my daughter has an ED and when she is mid-relapse, her mental stability is not great, and I always worry that just being a parent will trigger her and send her even deeper in to the bad place. I just have to remind myself that it is my job as a parent to continue to enforce the rules, because they still need that stability and structure, but it doesn't make it any less stressful. I wish that I had some sage advice for you, but all I can offer is commiseration.
You have a lot on your heart, mind, and plate. Is a therapist/counselor an option for you?
We all say and do things we’re not proud of. I think it’s OK sometimes for our kids to see that we screw up, too, and then we model how to repair what we have damaged. If she doesn’t seem open to listening to you apologize, you could consider writing her a note apologizing for what happened and remind her that you love her endlessly and will always be there to support her.
Be kind to yourself. You are only human and you and your family have been through a lot the last few months.
I agree that maybe therapy for yourself would be beneficial.
I have a 12 year old daughter myself, and it is an incredibly challenging age. We have the exact same fights about laundry and food things that you do. She can be incredibly charming one minute and a disrespectful beast the next. I question myself, my parenting, and what kind of relationship we will have long term ALL the time.
And you are dealing with all that in addition to helping her through mental health issues that would terrify any parent.
Be kind to yourself. I think it's ok to go back to her in a calmer moment and apologize for your outburst but talk about what you need from her.
Her dad had her work in the yard last night, to burn off some adrenaline. When she came in, she brought me a flower, gave me a hug and snuggled in my bed with me. This morning she made her bed and unloaded the dishwasher without me even asking. She's a great kid, with the biggest heart, so it tears me up that she's going through this.
Post by wanderingback on May 9, 2024 8:08:39 GMT -5
I’m sorry. Being a parent is hard. Are you in individual therapy? Are you all in family therapy? Those both seem like they would both be good next steps.
I'm not excusing away the state of her room or you feeling overwhelmed. Is it helpful to reframe the appearance of her room in regards to her mental state? Perhaps her room looks as it does as a manifestation of her depression or mental health and not as an act of disrespect. In college I had a bad bout of depression and the thought of miniscule daily tasks were even too much to handle. One session with a counselor was spent talking about a pile of laundry on my floor that I couldn't manage to put away.
I'll repeat PP.. you have used your mental capacity to support her as she needs it. It is your turn to get support too. I hope you can find a counselor or therapist to give you what you need.
Honestly, I think I would dial back the demands. It just doesn’t sound like she is in a place for that right now. Of course, I would discuss with her therapist to make sure that is the right plan. But, I would probably just check in with her in her room each night and spot check for dishes and laundry.
I also totally agree with the others that you need a place to vent and talk through issues.
While my situation was really different, my kid had brain cancer when she was very small. This was on top of having an oldest kid with profound disabilities. My husband and I decided that we could only care about three things at a time. And we talked a lot about what those three things would be. For us, it was staying married, getting our kid the best cancer treatment and trying to prioritize sleep (our oldest kid’s disabilities meant we only slept 2-3 hours a night back then). And that was our north star. Every time we were upset about something in the house not done, something someone said, etc. we would try to think whether that thing was in service of the only three things we had time to care about. I feel like the three things model has now served us well during many years of ups and downs. And of course, our three things change over time.
I feel this. When my DD had a mental health episode in the fall I instantly became hesitant to parent her. I didn’t want to do anything to upset her when her mental health was so fragile. It was a very rough few months but we are in a much better place now. Perfect? No of course not but I think we all came through it with better communication skills. Thank you therapy and friends.
When things are calmer I would spend one and one time with her and revisit what happened. Tell her you aren’t proud of your behavior and get on the same page about expectations. I have had to do that and owning up helps.
Post by gretchenindisguise on May 9, 2024 9:46:52 GMT -5
Agreed with all others, this is a hard balance and you're doing well.
When my eldest was at her lowest, it helped me to reframe things as though she had a broken leg. She couldn't manage to clean her room either, it just completely overwhelmed her. I reframed it as if she had a broken leg she couldn't do it either, so I picked up the slack for a bit. Gradually shifted it back (with hiccups). That was one of the ways I was able to support her.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on May 9, 2024 10:00:33 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're struggling and so is your DD. I will say that I'm finding this age particularly trying with a 12 almost 13 year old DD. She is a sweet, sensitive, anxious girl who usually follows rules and wants to make her parents happy, but sometimes her actions are just unacceptable, and calling her out on them turns her into a beast because she usually KNOWS what she should be doing instead of what she is doing, but for some reason at that moment she just can't, so then she lashes out because she's hurting and confused, and then afterwards she's even harder on herself than we would be. I find myself just trying my best to give us both time to cool down when blowups happen, then doing my best to reassure her that I love her no matter what and that making mistakes is normal, even a good thing if you can learn from them, and asking her to try to do better next time. And then re-asserting everything during therapy.
Be kind to yourself. Usually after episodes that I wish I handled better, I’m just very honest with my kids. I apologize, tell them I made a mistake and how I should handle it better. This usually turns into a convo about communication and we both could improve. I’d try to have that convo with her.
Ditto whatever else has said, be kind to yourself.
Not 100% related but when my daughter’s ADHD gets bad, her room gets like that. Most of the time I let it go, it’s a battle I tend to not choose, and she cleans it eventually. If it is really bad, I will offer to help her clean it up until she gets to a state she can do it herself.
I’ve been exactly where you are. DD had 3 inpatients between the ages of 13 and 14. You can spend your life feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid that anything negative will trigger a downswing.
For the room stuff: depression can severely affect executive functioning, so hygiene and cleanliness can go out the window. Simple checklists—worked out together—can help.
There’s a lot more I could say, and any time you want to chat with someone who’s been there, feel free to PM me, or I can even give you my number. Questions or just to unload.
Post by mrsukyankee on May 9, 2024 11:47:23 GMT -5
I would definitely talk to HER therapist about how to handle demands on her and what she can handle in terms of responsibility and in terms of what you cans say to her. Please note that kids understand losing it (they do it all the time) and it's good to see you recover and apologise. It's good for kids to see you being anxious and doing despite the anxiety/handing things, even w/o grace.
Post by wanderlustmom on May 9, 2024 12:04:15 GMT -5
Yes I've been through having a child suffering, I am so sorry. Our DS went through depression and anxiety at 16 and for awhile he wasn't functioning well. Our DD went through bad anxiety in fifth grade and had several nights she didn't sleep well and threw up because she was so stressed . Both were terrible and I still have PTSD from those times. Also went through my own bad depression in high school so I know what its like to experience. I had to give them grace first and then slowly up my expectations because it was healthy for them to also get stuff done. Both are doing well now, it's amazing what maturity, medicine and therapy can do! Adolescence is such a turbulent time for our brains
Yes I've been through having a child suffering, I am so sorry. Our DS went through depression and anxiety at 16 and for awhile he wasn't functioning well. Our DD went through bad anxiety in fifth grade and had several nights she didn't sleep well and threw up because she was so stressed . Both were terrible and I still have PTSD from those times. Also went through my own bad depression in high school so I know what its like to experience. I had to give them grace first and then slowly up my expectations because it was healthy for them to also get stuff done. Both are doing well now, it's amazing what maturity, medicine and therapy can do! Adolescence is such a turbulent time for our brains
My daughter's body started maturing really young. She got her first period at 9. I think she struggled with that, because she looks like a woman, in essence, but still wants to be a little girl. Her brain is at odds with her body at times.
Yes I've been through having a child suffering, I am so sorry. Our DS went through depression and anxiety at 16 and for awhile he wasn't functioning well. Our DD went through bad anxiety in fifth grade and had several nights she didn't sleep well and threw up because she was so stressed . Both were terrible and I still have PTSD from those times. Also went through my own bad depression in high school so I know what its like to experience. I had to give them grace first and then slowly up my expectations because it was healthy for them to also get stuff done. Both are doing well now, it's amazing what maturity, medicine and therapy can do! Adolescence is such a turbulent time for our brains
My daughter's body started maturing really young. She got her first period at 9. I think she struggled with that, because she looks like a woman, in essence, but still wants to be a little girl. Her brain is at odds with her body at times.
That's a lot! It's so hard to feel different. I didn't have my period early but I developed early and felt sexualized in middle school because of my large chest. I went on to have breast reduction surgery later but that and my parents divorce really escalated my depression in ninth grade and I would cry every day at school and I isolated myself from my peers. I didn't get therapy or medicine since I don't think many people talked about mental health in the late 80s--but I kept moving forward and I had a lot of emotional support from my mom. Didn't need advice, just her letting me be eventually worked and I was better. I hope your daughter keeps having brighter days.
ETA: I'm being pedantic but I didn't want anyone to read this and think my depression was because of my parents divorce. Now looking back, I'm so glad they didn't stay married. But they stayed in the same house together and fought for a year because my dad refused to move out so that was the bad part.
OUr 11 and 13 year need to be prompted to throw their laundry down the chute so we can start laundry weekly, so it may be that tell me when laundry needs to be done is not going to work for that age group. As far as the other stuff I agree, be kind to yourself, work with your therapist and hers and work on apologizing and connecting.