Tips for managing clingy child - Updated

[meowmaps]

DD2 has a "try out" for a preschool being run out of DD1's elementary school.  If she got in my life would be made - both kids out of the house this fall and in the same location.  

BUT, and it's a big but, our hurdle is getting her to separate.  She's been home with me and my H (he teleworks three days a week) her whole life so far.  She doesn't even go over to the grandparents' houses without her sister and even that's only happened a couple of times.  There are various reasons why she hasn't been away from us as much as her older sister was by this age.  Probably the biggest reason is that she has nut allergies and everyone seems to be more comfortable with us being in charge of her epipen, checking food labels, etc.  

All that said, she has always had a hard time with separation.  Lots of crying, arms and legs flailing, complete melting down. When she's being left with grandparents at our home she recovers pretty quickly, within five minutes or so. She reacts similarly, but takes a little longer to recover when we use a babysitter.  It's been getting worse though.  I don't know why.  Our senior cat recently died and I'm wondering if she's worried we're going to leave and not come back. Even when I try to prep her ahead of time and let her know that Mommy and Daddy are going to an event, it almost makes it worse.  She starts repeating on a loop please don't leave me, while also crying.  

What are your tips and tricks for helping your child overcome the stress of separation?  I really, really want her to do well at this try out next week and if she gets in, she'll have to leave me M-F for three hours a day.  I'll need to work with her all summer.  

TIA!  

Update: Took her to her sister's old preschool because the director/head teacher is amazing and if anyone could manage DD2's separation anxiety it's her.  She screamed, she cried, and she bolted for the door and ran toward our car. BUT my husband picked her up and handed her off to the teacher and we walked away.  A couple of minutes later we got a text that she had stopped crying and was talking and we were given permission to leave.  We had DD1 with us too for extra support and needed to take her to school.  A few minutes later we got some pictures of DD2 happily painting and making new friends. I am ecstatic!!! This is SO huge for her self-growth and confidence.  I couldn't be more proud.  

[wanderingback]

I dont know if there is much you can do about next week unfortunately that will change things overnight. But I assume the preschool is used to dealing with this.

But in general at a younger age where they don’t understand time as much I don’t think prepping them hours ahead of time is too useful. I think for now you should just continue to practice with the babysitter and grandparents and stick to boundaries. When the babysitter or grandparents come over, say we love you, we’re going to have dinner and will be back later, give a hug and then leave no matter how much crying is happening Rinse and repeat each time and do it regularly.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Does she like to do things like her big sister? If so, I would also talk up that she gets to go to school like her big sister. And I feel like the show might be 'out' now, but when my kids were little, it seemed like there was a Daniel Tiger episode for every issue we had, and watching it and reinforcing the 'song' that went along with it did actually help, and there was for sure an episode about how 'grownups come back.'

[UMaineTeach]

I’m not sure if you mean that the childcare might say she can’t come after the trial or if you mean you are going to give it a try and see how it goes.

I’ve never had my kid cry when I drop her off since birth. She is in fact the opposite. She hardly says goodbye, it’s rude. But, I have had experience as the childcare provider.
It’s hard, but usually you have to say goodbye, peel them off you and leave the problem with the teachers. The teachers try all the tricks, calm them down, and text a picture of a happy playing child 15 minutes later. Most of the time. Clearly, there are exceptions. But try it and see, she may surprise you.

[meowmaps]

May 16, 2024 15:26:00 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

Does she like to do things like her big sister? If so, I would also talk up that she gets to go to school like her big sister. And I feel like the show might be 'out' now, but when my kids were little, it seemed like there was a Daniel Tiger episode for every issue we had, and watching it and reinforcing the 'song' that went along with it did actually help, and there was for sure an episode about how 'grownups come back.'

She does! I’ve been trying to pump her up by mentioning the playground. She’s always wanting to go to her sister’s playground and I have to tell her we’re not allowed while school is in session. Now I’m telling her, if you get into this program you can use the playground at school every day.

[meowmaps]

May 16, 2024 15:36:29 GMT -5 UMaineTeach said:

I’m not sure if you mean that the childcare might say she can’t come after the trial or if you mean you are going to give it a try and see how it goes.

I’ve never had my kid cry when I drop her off since birth. She is in fact the opposite. She hardly says goodbye, it’s rude. But, I have had experience as the childcare provider.
It’s hard, but usually you have to say goodbye, peel them off you and leave the problem with the teachers. The teachers try all the tricks, calm them down, and text a picture of a happy playing child 15 minutes later. Most of the time. Clearly, there are exceptions. But try it and see, she may surprise you.

It kind of is a try out or, evaluation might be more accurate. There’s a short play group with several other applicants and then selection comes down to a lottery system. This will be our second attempt. The first attempt she went in with them and they RETURNED her to me because she was crying. I was fuming.

[sdlaura]

I think some kids are just like this. My oldest son would cry and have to be pried off of me everyday at preschool drop off, even though he went everyday. My youngest son turned and happily waved goodbye even on day 1 while all his classmates were crying about being left - even though he had been used to more time with me as a pandemic baby. The school employees should know that’s just the way it goes.

I would nonchalantly tell her a couple times what’s going to happen - that you’ll take her, give her a hug and say goodbye, and then come back to pick her up after she plays (or wherever you want to say). Maybe I’d also watch the Daniel tiger episode about how parents come back. Beyond that I would just have a quick and calm routine in my head for the day of, and get her dropped off relatively quickly.

ETA - I can’t believe they returned her to you. I might also try bribery. Tell her if she makes it to pick up this time you’ll take her for ice cream or to pick out a small toy or something.

[macmars45]

I can't help with the eval next week, but I will say once she goes to school the teacher and your DD will figure it out. My DS(8) started kinder after 18 months home with just H and me (thanks covid). We left him sobbing and screaming every day for a month. They had the counselor come in and help.

[jobae1234]

In addition to all this, you can also try some light almost reverse psychology. Stuff like, in a detached conversational tone, “the kids who are brave and stay and play get to go to that school and play on that incredible playground all day. That sounds so fun. I wonder if you can do it. Either way is ok!” The point is to get her thinking, I wonder if I can be brave and get that playground in my life. Innocent shrug from you. “I THINK it would be worth it, but I guess that’s up to you. Because sometimes leaving me can feel scary. But I’d be back soon. Maybe you’d meet a new friend or something. Who knows what could happen! I wonder what that blue slide is like. Do you think it’s a fast one?”

I always found that these types of talks worked better to nudge her in the direction I wanted than the full force of my insistence. Dropping it into the convo and then backing right off. Getting her wheels turning.

[meowmaps]

Almost as soon as I got off the phone today after confirming that we were going to try again, I started to talk about the playground and then said we'd get her an ice cream afterward. I think my H was having a similar conversation with her this evening when they did some light grocery shopping.

I truly believe that once she starts school, it will be OK. I'm just concerned it won't get that far because of them not giving her a chance to calm down during this very short, trial run the first time. My oldest was like yours UMaineTeach at preschool drop-off. She was so happy to be somewhere else doing something else, she didn't even turn around to wave goodbye. Something completely shifted when she started kindergarten. Her teachers had to pry her off of me on the first day and she was weepy on/off and struggling with separation for a good 1-2 months into the school year. So I have experience now with both sides of things.

Thank you all for your input and commiseration. We'll try and hope for the best.

[gretchenindisguise]

We went through phases, but definitely had a stage 5 clinger a lot in my now 14yo. In kindergarten we had used a sticker chart that worked really well - it was something I developed, it was in her backpack - she would get a sticker from the morning daycare person when I walked away. So it was an immediate and something to occupy her when I left. Then at the end of the week if she got all of the stickers, she got some sort of toy/prize.

[ellipses84]

Even in Kindergarten with kids who went to full time preschool, there were lots of tears and tantrums for weeks and even months for a couple kids. Usually the kids are fine a few minutes after their parents leave and the teachers are good about handling it. I would also emphasize the big sis aspect and how fun and cool school is. I know some parents get their kids a matching bracelet or something like that they can touch when they are missing mom, like a virtual, imaginary hug.

[ellipses84]

Also, when my kids went through these phases it was sometimes easier to have their dad drop them off and I’d pick them up. They’d go more willingly for him and I wouldn’t have to deal with the emotions and guilt. He’s better at hyping them up to be brave about things and they could look forward to me picking them up and getting a treat after.

[al dente]

How old is she? If old enough (like above 2 I'd say) you could create a "social story". You can Google for examples. If you're able to take pictures of where she'd be that be helpful.

For the actual drop off I talk over what we're going to do a lot - we're going in, I'll give you one big hug, and then I have to leave but grownups always come back. And I repeat the grownups always come back a lot. Daniel Tiger has an episode on it. Then in the room if you're able to get a high value toy (my kid loves giving babies a bottle so if I see that I'll grab them and tell her to feed it) when you walk in hand that off to her and leave. A quick exit makes it better.

But I feel you my oldest has always loved school and practically ran in without even a good bye. My youngest will cling and scream and cry, so it's a lot of just personality. I would hope the teachers help with the transition and distracting her. That's annoying they brought her back before I'd be mad lol.

[meowmaps]

al dente She'll be 3 in August. I've not heard of a social story. Will definitely google!

We have a Daniel Tiger book on food allergies that she likes so hopefully I can get her to watch the grown ups come back tv episode.

There was an outdoor festival at the school tonight and we went as a family. We ended our evening at the playground and emphasized that she could play there every day. Hopefully little by little we can get this kid excited enough about school that she's less focused on separating from us.

[loira]

My DD was a stage 5 clinger for many years, even though she had gone to daycare and preschool. She still had to be pried off us for drop off at kindergarten and even most of grade 1. Things that helped when she was in preschool and daycare:

1) Gradual entry, where we first took her to the centre, introduced her to the teachers and let her play with some of the toys while we were in the room. Then the 2nd day we left her for just 10 minutes. Then the 3rd day for an hour. And finally for the half day, then full day.

2) Most preschools and daycares have a very set routine. We asked what their schedule is and went over that with DD, and she learned that first she would do X, then Y, then lunch, then Z, then be picked up by a parent. It helped her to feel more in control and gave her an end time at an age when she obviously couldn't tell actual time.

3) It was easier for H to drop her off because, while she was still clingy with him, it was way less dramatic than with me.

It gets easier but agree with pps that some kids are just like this and there's not much you can do but wait for them to outgrow it. Preschool and kindergarten teachers are usually very experienced in dealing with separation anxiety. DD is 8 now and happily trots off to school, goes on sleepovers, and will be going to sleepaway camp this summer!

[meowmaps]

Well, that was a total fail. She cried so hard she was on the verge of barfing. Returned again.

[UMaineTeach]

I’m sorry, that’s hard.

[meowmaps]

A happy update in OP

[wanderingback]

So glad it worked out!
I still can’t believe those other care providers that returned her right away.
Sounds like you all have a good fit now.

[jg183]

the kissing hand is a cute book. You draw a small heart on her hand and she can kiss it when she misses you.
Could make it worse but who knows
Sounds like she's doing well though at the new place!

[macmars45]

Sept 2, 2024 13:32:19 GMT -5 jg183 said:

the kissing hand is a cute book. You draw a small heart on her hand and she can kiss it when she misses you.
Could make it worse but who knows
Sounds like she's doing well though at the new place!

The kinder teachers at the school I work at/my DS(8) attends read that book the first day of school.

meowmaps great update!