Changing will - include step-family?

[tacokick]

I think if they were younger and/or you spent a lot of time with them it would make sense to include them but you don’t seem to actually know them much at all and I can’t see that changing at their ages.

But if it makes you happy or you feel like you should now, do it! Why not? IMO a good chunk of estate planning more for your own peace of mind than anything else.

[archiethedragon]

leave it all to NPR

[dexteroni]

Jun 27, 2024 13:15:46 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

I know it's our money and we can do what we want with it. But it feels not-right to dole out inheritances based on, basically, how we feel about each person. Like they have to earn our gift.

Well then it sounds like you have your answer. I’m curious - did you make this post trying to sort out how you felt about it, or was your mind pretty much made up and you were wondering if we would agree with you?

[donutsmakemegonuts]

Well, what do you and DH want to do?? This seems like such a personal experience. There is no obligation to include anyone in a will. The will is there to do what you wish with whatever is left when you pass. You are not obligated to include anyone so do what you want.

[lust2hart]

Jun 27, 2024 15:06:24 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Jun 27, 2024 13:15:46 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

I know it's our money and we can do what we want with it. But it feels not-right to dole out inheritances based on, basically, how we feel about each person. Like they have to earn our gift.

Well then you have your answer. I’m curious - did you make this post trying to sort out how you felt about it, or was your mind pretty much made up and you were wondering if we would agree with you?

We have not decided. I'm genuinely asking what others think, and am hoping to hear from others who have a similar experience. 

[lust2hart]

Jun 27, 2024 15:10:25 GMT -5 donutsmakemegonuts said:

Well, what do you and DH want to do?? This seems like such a personal experience. There is no obligation to include anyone in a will. The will is there to do what you wish with whatever is left when you pass. You are not obligated to include anyone so do what you want.

We're trying to sort that out. 

[ECB]

It probably wouldn't even occur to me to include them. They are very tangentially "family".

[lust2hart]

Jun 27, 2024 14:49:51 GMT -5 fernweh said:

I would base it on relationship, if you get close to them down the road add them but if not then oh well.

Honestly we are struggling to decide how we want to split for us as child free adults. 1 have one biological nephew and H has 14 bio/adopted.
In my mind bio/adopted are equal however our relationship isn’t the same with all 15 niblings. We have much closer relationships with some. Do we split 15 ways? Or do we just split based on the relationship we have with them? That means maybe only 1/2 would get something.

Yeah, we have 8 niblings, one on the way, and the 3 boys in question. I feel like, if we based it off of our relationships, there could potentially be a lot of back-and-forthing in the will which is not only a headache but also expensive for us to keep updating it every time we feel like they do or don't "deserve" to receive an inheritance.

[mcmel]

I would not even think to include them. I would divide my assets by who I’m closest to. People who enrich my life, potentially care for me while I’m sick/aging, will appreciate my things, and will remember me are the people being left in the will, family or not.

[sadlebred]

Nope. I wouldn't include them.

[kadams767]

Jun 27, 2024 15:20:44 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

Jun 27, 2024 14:49:51 GMT -5 fernweh said:

I would base it on relationship, if you get close to them down the road add them but if not then oh well.

Honestly we are struggling to decide how we want to split for us as child free adults. 1 have one biological nephew and H has 14 bio/adopted.
In my mind bio/adopted are equal however our relationship isn’t the same with all 15 niblings. We have much closer relationships with some. Do we split 15 ways? Or do we just split based on the relationship we have with them? That means maybe only 1/2 would get something.

Yeah, we have 8 niblings, one on the way, and the 3 boys in question. I feel like, if we based it off of our relationships, there could potentially be a lot of back-and-forthing in the will which is not only a headache but also expensive for us to keep updating it every time we feel like they do or don't "deserve" to receive an inheritance.

I guess I am in the minority, but I tend to agree with you here, and I also think this tends to lead to resentment and almost feeling like your potential inheritance is being held over people's heads.  Relationships and closeness with relatives ebbs and flows over the years, and updating a will on a whim is a giant PITA.  My honest viewpoint is that unless someone has done something specifically to make you cut them out in some manner, I'd treat them all equally.  Now, if you happen to happen to have an especially close relationship with one or more, I don't think there is anything wrong with leaving them a specific additional bequest.  Something like "I leave my vintage Chanel bag and my Porsche to my niece Jane, an initial amount of $25,000 to my nephew John, and then the balance of the estate to be shared equally among Jane, John, Joe, Janet, Jessica, Joshua and Jebediah."

To your specific question, I would include the to-be-born nephew immediately, marriage or not, and then add the step-brothers once married.  

[circa1978]

I have no idea how my childfree brother and his wife have set up their estate but I would never expect them to consider the children of someone I'm not even married to. My son is my brother's only blood relative outside of me and my mom, and my son's godfather, but I don't even have an expectation he'd be included. If it all goes to my SIL's niece and nephew or what ever at some future date 50 years from now, so be it.

[pixy0stix]

General question for the board - could you do something nebulous in the will like leave money to SIL and put in a stipulation that each of her children (bio or through marriage) would get x amount? Without naming the kids individually?

[hazelden]

Is leaving it to your sister an option at all? That way she can sort out what works best for whatever her family looks like at the time. You won't be around to worry about how it goes from there.

[circa1978]

Jun 27, 2024 16:16:46 GMT -5 hazelden said:

Is leaving it to your sister an option at all? That way she can sort out what works best for whatever her family looks like at the time. You won't be around to worry about how it goes from there.

So, anacdotes, but if this was the case, be *specific* it should to go to the kids. I had a childless great aunt who had a very significant estate in the early 80s. She died and left it to her two sisters, one of whom was my grandmother. Unfortunately, my grandmother died unexpectedly shortly thereafter, I think before the previous will was even settled. My grandmother's will left her estate to my mom and aunt so they each received a substantial sum that would have otherwise gone to my surviving great aunt; she didn't leave anything to her sister. My great aunt was so adamant my other great aunt hadn't intended the estate to go to her nieces that she made a huge issue of it. It caused so much bad blood between the two families that I never even met her until after my grandfather was dead 15 years later.  It was a life-changing amount of money, so maybe enough to cause a rift like that, but I missed out on a lot of time with my great-aunt and so did my mom and aunt. My great aunt died just a few years ago and I'd like to think that's something she would change if she could, and that my other great aunt and grandma probably would have as well. 

[hazelden]

Jun 27, 2024 16:33:42 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

Jun 27, 2024 16:16:46 GMT -5 hazelden said:

Is leaving it to your sister an option at all? That way she can sort out what works best for whatever her family looks like at the time. You won't be around to worry about how it goes from there.

So, anacdotes, but if this was the case, be *specific* it should to go to the kids. I had a childless great aunt who had a very significant estate in the early 80s. She died and left it to her two sisters, one of whom was my grandmother. Unfortunately, my grandmother died unexpectedly shortly thereafter, I think before the previous will was even settled. My grandmother's will left her estate to my mom and aunt so they each received a substantial sum that would have otherwise gone to my surviving great aunt; she didn't leave anything to her sister. My great aunt was so adamant my other great aunt hadn't intended the estate to go to her nieces that she made a huge issue of it. It caused so much bad blood between the two families that I never even met her until after my grandfather was dead 15 years later.  It was a life-changing amount of money, so maybe enough to cause a rift like that, but I missed out on a lot of time with my great-aunt and so did my mom and aunt. My great aunt died just a few years ago and I'd like to think that's something she would change if she could, and that my other great aunt and grandma probably would have as well. 

It seems like if the deceased wealthy great aunt would have left equal amounts to all her siblings (which should include all great aunts), then it was distributed as intended. Any argument about your grandma receiving the intended inheritance, but dying before she could deposit the check herself, and then wanting to take the money from the great nieces that just lost their mother, is not charming.

I might be wrong about how everyone is related, but big yikes either way.

[circa1978]

hazelden , oh, I agree it was not a great look for my great aunt. It really affected the way I thought about money and family. She was adamant though, that if my grandmother had died before their other sister, she would never have gotten the money and it all would have gone to great aunt, because the other sister did not intend to make my mom and her sisters her heirs. Who knows what the OG great aunt intended - that's why I'm saying spell it out.

ETA: I materially benefited from this drama in a fairly substantial way. My mom was able to leave my biological father, buy a car and a house in an upscale area debt free, pay for my private school, stay at home to raise my infant brother and provide us with everything we needed until my stepfather came on the scene. I believe that money also paid for my entire college education and wedding, as well as a downpayment on my brother's first home. So it was not a small amount of cash. And I loved my great aunt who had the problem with it. So wills should be specific is what I'm saying, lol.

[heyyounotyouyou]

I have no children and 1 niece and 1 nephew. I have no relationship with my nephew (not his fault, I have no relationship with his parents (my brother and SIL)). 100% will be going to my niece who I am close too.

Given your situation, giving to the step children, regardless of their age, wouldn’t cross my mind.

[mokes]

Just a different approach: We also don't have kids. Our assets will be split among our siblings rather than directly to their kids. (Well, only one of our siblings has kids ... but even if they all did, I think we'd choose to do the same thing.)

We have 3 siblings altogether (1 on my side, 2 on DH's side) and it's all split equally. We considered doing 50% to each "side" (meaning my sibling would get 50% and his siblings would get 25% each), but decided to keep it clean and simple with everyone getting the same.

[bee20]

Given 9 existing niblings plus these 3 possible step-niblings, I would divide by sibling and let their portion fall to their children if they pass before you.

So if it's something like
Sister 1: 1 bio, 3 step
Sister 2: 3 bio kids
Brother 1: 1 bio kid
Brother 2: 3+1 soon bio kids

I would give 25% to each sibling, which results in Brother 2's kids each getting 6.25%, but Brother 1's kid getting a whole 25%. This is how my family has always done it but if it misaligns with the relationship you could tweak it. Then your sister with the stepkids can decide how she distributes her money, and if she dies before you honestly her bio kid being younger is probably going to need it more than their older stepsiblings.

[minzy]

Jun 27, 2024 15:07:48 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Jun 27, 2024 14:45:19 GMT -5 minzy said:

I’m someone who has recently pushed my dad, to my own future detriment, to include his step grandchildren in his estate planning (including the ones whose parents we’ve not heard boo from since his diagnosis) and even I don’t think I’d go for this. I’d revisit in a few years though if something develops.

Why did you do this?

I suggested my father include his four step grandchildren because he’s been married to their grandmother for twenty years and is the only grandfather on this side they’ve grown up with, and he (and the rest of the future beneficiaries for the rest of his estate) can “afford” a gift to them. Although it’s not a huge amount per kid, I think it could potentially really make a difference while they’re all still young. Mostly though, I think it’s a classy move on his part (where classy hasn’t always been his MO). He was all for it. With the way we have that part set up, hopefully it will take me all of a few minutes to deal with as executrix when the time comes.

[glw]

Jun 27, 2024 16:09:19 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

General question for the board - could you do something nebulous in the will like leave money to SIL and put in a stipulation that each of her children (bio or through marriage) would get x amount? Without naming the kids individually?

Ours would go to a trust (managed by BIL) to be split equally among all children of BIL/SIL (this was our estate lawyer's recommendation since they're minors). They've had two more kids since we wrote it and it still stands.

[lust2hart]

I had a bit of an aha moment this morning while thinking about all of this.

DH is one of 5 kids, and we have 5 niblings on that side, plus the one to come, plus the 3 in question. Of the 5...

3 are biological.
1 is the step-daughter of DH's brother. He married the mom when the girl was <2, so she's always been a part of the family.
1 was adopted when she was 11.

When we were creating our will, we didn't give a second thought to including all of these kids, including the one who is technically a step-niece. It has never crossed my mind that if that brother and his wife were to get divorced, she actually would not be related to us in any way.

As far as I can tell, everyone in the family treats all these kids the same, as part of our family. So it's kind of like, "Well, of course these boys are going to be part of our family."

But it just *feels* different, and I'm trying to figure out why. Maybe it's just because the relationship and the boys' joining the family are still so new. And also, I wonder if we wouldn't even have considered adding the boys if my SIL wasn't pregnant. Bc it's like, that baby really solidifies them as a family, you know? So, I dunno. Still working through it.

[livinitup]

You got me thinking. This can be interesting.

My H has one nephew who has a SO and a child. He has been generously supported ($$) and he’s well into his thirties. That’s fine but he’s also a bit selfish. He moved far away and really only communicates when he gets something from it. It is what it is.

H has a LOT of cousins. Age-wise, he’s in the middle. Almost all are working and self-sufficient. They are all lovely. One of the younger cousins has a chronic health condition and while she is independent, doesn’t have much disposable income.

If we had the opportunity to pick and choose who would inherit our estate, I would strongly consider both our personal relationship with them and how much support they already get/how much they need.

For your nieces/nephews - do you have a sense that anyone needs an inheritance more than another?

[stemmie]

In the absence of a real relationship, which is unlikely given the ages they are, I would not. Presumably, these step-sibs have another side of the family who probably won't include your sister's baby in their estate planning either.

When DH and I wrote our pre-DS will, everything was to be distributed to our joint nieces/nephew and the children of his high school and my best friend.

[sonrisa]

Just don’t make your will a way to settle scores and teach lessons. (OP - it sounds like you are very much leaning the other way).

The pain and damage that can come up during distribution can vastly outweigh the value of whatever is being left. Who ever says they’d cut out a kid if they didn’t get texts would be setting up *all* their family for years of pain and strife. Not just the bad texter.

I do like the idea of putting it down as all sib’s kids (check with a lawyer) so there is room for the new one, and any unborn kids. I don’t think you need to include the older possibly future step kids. They presumably will have other family that the new child won’t share. They may get inheritance s themselves. Considering including the step kids (even if it’s just a small bequest) is very thoughtful. It may even increase family harmony among those siblings in the future, who knows.

[jobae1234]

Jun 30, 2024 11:15:16 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Just don’t make your will a way to settle scores and teach lessons. (OP - it sounds like you are very much leaning the other way).

The pain and damage that can come up during distribution can vastly outweigh the value of whatever is being left. Who ever says they’d cut out a kid if they didn’t get texts would be setting up *all* their family for years of pain and strife. Not just the bad texter.

I do like the idea of putting it down as all sib’s kids (check with a lawyer) so there is room for the new one, and any unborn kids. I don’t think you need to include the older possibly future step kids. They presumably will have other family that the new child won’t share. They may get inheritance s themselves. Considering including the step kids (even if it’s just a small bequest) is very thoughtful. It may even increase family harmony among those siblings in the future, who knows.

I’m a stepmom and a bio mom and the primary reason my estate will be split 3 ways 100% is because I want my stepkids to look out for their much younger half sister when I’m gone, and if I play favorites with my money then my kid can gain money but lose sibling relationships. One stepkid I’d happily split it all with, and the other I’d rather not, but I’m not leaving that for my kid to navigate in my absence.

That said, I have zero expectation that anyone in my extended family will see it that way, and I think that’s fine. My stepkids have their own half of the family on their mom’s side who will not leave anything to my bio kid.

So I vote don’t leave them anything!

[cjcouple]

I don't think you need to include them.

Obviously if it was a parent-step child situation, that's different.

I have step siblings and I've barely seen them, let alone their aunts and uncles.

I was 17 when my dad remarried and her kids were all adults.

[lust2hart]

Jun 27, 2024 14:40:29 GMT -5 aprilsails said:

I identify as the step children in this scenario (I have step grandparents on on both my stepdads side and my stepmoms side). My stepdads parents I had seen only a few times in my life. I had known them since I was 16. I didn't receive anything and did not expect to do so.

My stepmoms family has been close to mine for much longer. A great aunt (who I knew well) gave out $10k per grandkid one year as an early inheritance. It was a big to do at Christmas and we were in attendance. I didn't expect her money, and I don't expect an inheritance, but the delivery was a bit rough at the time.

I was just going back and rereading this thread since I see there have been new replies, and this didn't register with me before. So this woman handed out $10K checks to all biological grandchildren while you, a step-grandchild were there and received nothing? Yikes! 

[jwright]

We are working through wills and estate planning this summer as well. We are child free and I have one nephew. Our nephew will be very well taken care of so we are planning on leaving him very little or perhaps zero of our assets. We are splitting everything between friends, their children, and charity. In this case it necessarily depends on our relationship, we are giving to people/families we are close to.